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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argh! Present from DM! AIBU?

302 replies

KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 17:12

I need some advice as I don’t know how to respond to this and don’t know if I’m overreacting. There is kinda two parts to it.

I got home this afternoon to a amazon parcel delivery from my DM. The parcel was addressed to DS name, my maiden name. This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage. I also feel that this disrespect is solely kept for us as DM would NEVER send a parcel addressed to DNephew, DSIL maiden name as that isn’t their name.

Additionally it actually said on the box what the contents of it was - the puppy toy in the picture. I have overtly said it that I do not like noisy, tacky, plastic toys like this on more than one occasion, but this is just ignored. Last Christmas DS was only about 7 weeks old and DM bought him the robot pictured. I cannot stand it and it hasn’t been played with in a year. This year I was determined to avoid this situation and made DS a fairly extensive Amazon wish list with various things at a range of prices for family to pick from. But again this has been ignored by DM.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people choosing something not from the list for DS, but feel that to choose a gift that is the exact kind of thing I have said I don’t like/want to be very disrespectful. This was on top of the disrespect I’d felt from the address label. So felt like a bit of a double whammy. Sad

For clarity, if you have any of the toys pictured, and your kids enjoy them, that’s great, this is just my own personal choice. Smile

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 15/12/2020 20:03

@KangaRooMama

I love how everyone has jumped on the wooden toys bandwagon when I haven't once said that was the case.
You mentioned that you didn't like plastic toys in the OP. Can you give us an example of an acceptable toy?
Original poster
KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 20:04

@ClaireP20 if you read the thread, I have actually said twice that this wasn't what I was implying.
Three times now.

OP posts:
pictish · 15/12/2020 20:05

I’m a child development worker. These toys are fine...like someone else said, it’s not an either/or situation.
You don’t have to buy them but it is polite to thank those who gift them to your child.

Original poster
KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 20:06

@NerrSnerr thanks for the offer but I'll pass thanks, people seem determined to drag me no matter what I say. Confused

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 15/12/2020 20:06

Does your mum look after baby while you work? Or does she do other nice day to day things?

NerrSnerr · 15/12/2020 20:07

@KangaRooMama so then you can't blame people for assuming that you'd prefer wooden toys when you mentioned you didn't like plastic toys in the OP.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 15/12/2020 20:08

The name might have been a mistake - my DM did this once to my nephew by accident, she felt terrible when she realised.
As for the toy - sorry but I think YABVU on that, you can't dictate what people buy your child as gifts, that's just absurdly controlling, especially when it's a nice toy that your child will like.

2020nymph · 15/12/2020 20:09

@Exploring

Because I know that puppy toy, and the song it sings, I'd definitely either return it, or donate it and deny all knowledge.

Same!

Original poster
KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 20:10

@NerrSnerr I see your point, but I think my exact words were plastic tacky noisy toys. Grin
DS toys are in no way exclusively wooden.

OP posts:
Bumblebee57 · 15/12/2020 20:11

As others have said with the present your child will love it or hate it either way they are developing their own tastes in things and what they like and dont like...something which is what they need and not to be influenced.
With the name thing even with the background in the grand scheme is it important? I know its hurtful but you dont have control of peoples actions you only have control of your reaction to their actions (was told to me 2 years ago and honestly i felt the drama and strss go so quickly. I have a funny family who want to give eastenders a run for their money with drama) and this is coming from a person whos own mother spelt her first name wrong on this years xmas card i mentioned it to her as a joke she said sorry and that she had a lot on i understood but she will never live it down Grin

Bumblebee57 · 15/12/2020 20:12

There will also be a lot of tat coming your way i try and encourage the grandparents to buy it so im not wasting my money and dd still gets what she wants.....

Funkyfriends · 15/12/2020 20:12

YABU to dictate exactly what toys your DS plays with. My DD has the puppy and absolutely loves it. Pretty much every toy that she has is noisy and makes noise, surely you should be buying toys based on your DS’s enjoyment of them rather than what you want in your house.

Original poster
KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 20:14

@Bumblebee57 "this is coming from a person whos own mother spelt her first name wrong on this years xmas card" Shock
My sympathies Thanks At least things aren't as bad as that.

OP posts:
Whosaysyoucanthaveitall · 15/12/2020 20:21

Get a grip of yourself, is it really worth getting so upset over?!?

Circumlocutious · 15/12/2020 20:22

@Kingsley08

As someone said upthread - wait until the birthday parties start. The amount of shit you get will be overwhelming. And you’ll start buying equally shit stuff because you can’t be arsed anymore.

I’m a huge reader. I have my own ‘library’. I had visions of my children sitting at my feet as I read classic tales and fables to them. Like heck they did. No matter how much I tried, they don’t like reading.

Children are people you know? Your son will either play with the toy because he likes it or avoid it because it’s crap. You won’t have any influence over it. Accept it and embrace it.

Or you can just grow a spine and stop accepting shit from people on birthdays.
Original poster
KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 20:24

@Circumlocutious but this is for Christmas... Wink

OP posts:
Madethisjustforthispost · 15/12/2020 20:27

There may well be a horrendous backstory but...
Could have just been a slip of the mind to put your maiden name, my family members have done it to me before by pure accident.
At least your children have a grandmother who cares for them and wants to get them presents, my one year old has lost both of his grandmothers.
Also, making a list completely takes the magic out of Christmas for me.

CoffeeAndEnnui · 15/12/2020 20:29

Have been no contact with my mother for years but she used to do the whole presents as passive aggression thing too. She loathed plastic toys and mocked them as cheap and tacky when her friends bought them for their grandchildren but began sending DD giant noisy plastic things after mediation broke down and the mediator advised me to walk away.

They were bought so she could shop with aforementioned friends, pretend to be devastated at the loss (intentional sabotaging) of contact and manipulate them into calling me/turning up at my home to tell me I was killing my mother.

She's run out of flying monkeys now so she sends DD cards with only her first name (DP had my back and stood by the decision to go NC after all other options had been exhausted) and our new house name in inverted commas as though it is only allegedly its name/some sort of affectation though we literally have no house number and its name has been the name for 200+ yearsHmm

You must do what you feel comfortable with but I felt far better about things when I found a children's charity to rehome all the unwanted gifts and began to laugh at/look forward to being entertained by the pitiable attempts to get at me through the power of an envelope!

Barmyfarmy · 15/12/2020 20:29

@KangaRooMama OP I think you'd resent that toy whether it was something you asked for or not. Donate it if you really don't want it in your home and if DM asks if DS liked it say "Yes I was about to buy it for him actually!" and she'll be miffed she didn't rile you up.

Yanbu for having a difficult relationship with your 'D'M and it's okay if you don't want to be singing from the rooftops how greatful you are for a gift you don't want from a person you don't like addressed to someone who doesn't exist. Life's too short to live with unhappiness.

Merry Christmas

babymum786 · 15/12/2020 20:31

YABU

Barmyfarmy · 15/12/2020 20:32

@Funkyfriends

YABU to dictate exactly what toys your DS plays with. My DD has the puppy and absolutely loves it. Pretty much every toy that she has is noisy and makes noise, surely you should be buying toys based on your DS’s enjoyment of them rather than what you want in your house.
I think you'll find OP can actually dictate what toys her DS plays with because she's his mother. You may be happy listening to some tinny recording of a dog barking along to a song or something but OP may have more refined taste in music than you. Just because you put up with that shit, doesn't mean OP has to, or anyone else for that matter.
whataboutbob · 15/12/2020 20:32

@Madethisjustforthispost. I know what you mean, my mother died before my children were born (26 years ago tomorrow). I would give anything for them to have met her even for one day. So a misspelt name on a parcel with a present from a grandmother? Very low down the pecking order of problems.

Brissiegirl · 15/12/2020 20:34

My df often calls my mother by her maiden name despite they being married 64 years ! I'm married over 30 yrs and took dh's name at the time. I will still forget sometimes and introduce myself or sign things by my maiden name.

saraclara · 15/12/2020 20:35

I've been writing my daughter's name with her maiden name/my surname for three decades. She's been married for a year. Many many times I've written her name as her maiden name and not her married name. Not remotely deliberately, it's just what my brain is used to. And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that. So are being VU to assume malice on that.

PoodleMoth · 15/12/2020 20:37

YANBU over the name but YABU and controlling over the gifts

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