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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argh! Present from DM! AIBU?

302 replies

KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 17:12

I need some advice as I don’t know how to respond to this and don’t know if I’m overreacting. There is kinda two parts to it.

I got home this afternoon to a amazon parcel delivery from my DM. The parcel was addressed to DS name, my maiden name. This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage. I also feel that this disrespect is solely kept for us as DM would NEVER send a parcel addressed to DNephew, DSIL maiden name as that isn’t their name.

Additionally it actually said on the box what the contents of it was - the puppy toy in the picture. I have overtly said it that I do not like noisy, tacky, plastic toys like this on more than one occasion, but this is just ignored. Last Christmas DS was only about 7 weeks old and DM bought him the robot pictured. I cannot stand it and it hasn’t been played with in a year. This year I was determined to avoid this situation and made DS a fairly extensive Amazon wish list with various things at a range of prices for family to pick from. But again this has been ignored by DM.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people choosing something not from the list for DS, but feel that to choose a gift that is the exact kind of thing I have said I don’t like/want to be very disrespectful. This was on top of the disrespect I’d felt from the address label. So felt like a bit of a double whammy.

For clarity, if you have any of the toys pictured, and your kids enjoy them, that’s great, this is just my own personal choice.

OP posts:

blue25 · 15/12/2020 18:24

You sound like hard work. Sorry.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 15/12/2020 18:27

It’s incredibly difficult sending parcels at the Post Office and it can be hard work looking through online things. I love buying stuff but I’m truly fucked off with it this year.

Do you think your mum had your old details saved on Amazon? I have multiple names and addresses for my DS, parents and siblings. Maybe she just though sod it and pressed whatever address came up.

diddl · 15/12/2020 18:29

"Kate is still being referred to as Kate Middleton despite the fact she's been married for nearly 10 years."

But are her kids ever called George, Charlotte or Louis Middleton by Carole?

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 15/12/2020 18:34

You're bringing all the backstory to it but the reality is she sent an age-appropriate gift for your DC. All the rest is just drama for no reason on your part. Either she accidentally put the wrong surname (or the website did - I speak from bitter experience - a reputable website managed to create a mix of sender and recipient details on gifts I sent this week). Or she deliberately put the wrong surname. Either way, all you need to do is wrap the present for your DC and say 'thank you'.
All the drama about your marriage or her problems with it - not your circus; not your monkeys.

pictish · 15/12/2020 18:36

Great reply crows - I agree with every word.

Original poster

KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 18:36

Hey been catching up as been feeding DS his dinner.
I do realise I need to lighten up on my issue with the toys, it's just tricky cos I just hate them! However PP are right, it isn't for me, it's for DS, and it's age appropriate etc.
I just think it wouldn't have goaded me so much if it hadn't been for the address label. PP have said it could've been an auto fill error, but on Amazon if you add a new address the box for the name is one box, not first name, surname. Hence my feeling that it's a deliberate statement.

OP posts:

Runkle · 15/12/2020 18:37

I got our niece one of those for Christmas a couple of years ago and she still loves it.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 18:40

@KangaRooMama

Hey been catching up as been feeding DS his dinner. I do realise I need to lighten up on my issue with the toys, it's just tricky cos I just hate them!

However PP are right, it isn't for me, it's for DS, and it's age appropriate etc. I just think it wouldn't have goaded me so much if it hadn't been for the address label. PP have said it could've been an auto fill error, but on Amazon if you add a new address the box for the name is one box, not first name, surname. Hence my feeling that it's a deliberate statement.

Just ask her. 'Did you mean to put my maiden name on this, Mum?'

It's an innocent enough question and won't cause any upset if it was a genuine mistake. And if it was passive aggressive, it'll make her uncomfortable, because passive aggressives hate to be made to actually talk out loud about their PA actions. Either way, the conversation will move on pretty fast, but you'll know from her response fi she was being unpleasant on purpose.

TonMoulin · 15/12/2020 18:41

I get on very well with my parents
I would be very shocked if they were sending something for one of the dcs with my maiden name. It’s nit appropriate because it’s nit their name. Where she likes it or not.

The toy... one hand you can’t really dictate what other people buy. On the other hand... some toys are horrible. The music... arrrgggg.... (and yes it’s also usually the ones that the child prefers. Some of them have been known to be lost at the back of the cupboard at that age)

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/12/2020 18:43

I think you need to relax a little.

Assuming your maiden name is your Mother's surname I think she just updated the first name and forgot the surname when she filled in the delivery details.

Plastic tat, I'm all for reducing that but she is a Grandparent. They are for being a bit over the top with presents, for buying you the rubbish that Mum and Dad say no to most of the time.

Whydidyouask · 15/12/2020 18:45

My mum bought my son a golliwog once. When I said “Mum, WT actual F?” she said “oh I knew you’d react like that”. She took it home with her.
YABU.

Fruggalo · 15/12/2020 18:45

My mum routinely gets my name wrong, with various combinations of DH’s surname double barrelled or joined up.

I’ve never changed my name. Is it exactly the same as the day she named me 40 years ago. (She’s got my age wrong before too in my birthday cards).

Original poster

KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 18:47

@Eckhart I tried that exact tact. We have a family WhatsApp group and I put "who has sent a parcel to...." like I wasn't sure who it was from.
Nearly 3 hours later it's still marked as unread by DM. There may be a good reason why but normally she responds fairly quickly on that group. So I do wonder if she's read it on the Lock Screen and doesn't want to respond.

OP posts:

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 15/12/2020 18:48

A gift is just that. I agree that there is little point in buying something unwanted, but she didn't buy it for you. She thought your DS would like it. Satin f it's disrespectful is a bit bu. However this also sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back so l doubt it matters what anyone else thinks.

SweetGrapes · 15/12/2020 18:48

Talk about a first world problem!!

My much loved child has had an age appropriate and safe toy delivered to our home and it's sent by his grandmother.

Hmmm... what should I get all annoyed about?

lyralalala · 15/12/2020 18:48

@KangaRooMama

Hey been catching up as been feeding DS his dinner. I do realise I need to lighten up on my issue with the toys, it's just tricky cos I just hate them!

I'm glad you've realised that you need to lighten up on the toys. This will be a regular thing.

I've got 6 kids and at any one time one of them is always into, or up to, something that I can't stand, but they have to be allowed their choices and preferences too. Picking your battles is important.

Mydogmylife · 15/12/2020 18:50

@TenShortStories

This is ALL about the backstory, because a wrong name and a toy for your son that isn't your taste are not issues in an otherwise good relationship. Focus on the dealing with the issues that have got you to here, because you'll regret making a big point of an address label and a plastic robot - they themselves aren't the problem and are just a symbol (to you) of everything that has come before.

This

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 18:51

Well, you'll see as time goes on, then. Do the same whenever she tries a PA move. It's like giving them a quiet, passive education. If you keep making them say it, or have to really obviously ignore you, they stop doing it after a bit. What they want is for you to get pissed off with them, so that they can say they didn't do anything/did it by accident.

If you just leave this one as it is, she can just squirm about it inwardly, but she'll put the right name next time!

I'm sorry your Mum is being so crap.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2020 18:52

@KangaRooMama

Hey been catching up as been feeding DS his dinner. I do realise I need to lighten up on my issue with the toys, it's just tricky cos I just hate them!

Don't ever have a class birthday party for your DS. You just wait and see the plastic he'll get given then!

And he'll love every bit!

Seriouslyconfused3 · 15/12/2020 18:52

Don’t get the issue with the toys? My dc had them both

whatkatydid2013 · 15/12/2020 18:53

I get how you feel about the toy. I also hate noisy plastic battery powered stuff. They do like stuff like that when they are small but mine also loved their happyland and toy kitchen from the moment they could stand. Where the noisy toys drew their attention when teeny it’s the other things like the toy kitchen they still play with a lot at 4 & 6. If you really hate it then wrap something else for him and gift that one to a charity or a friend who would like it. While a lot of people think it’s snobby to dislike electronic toys there is research that suggests it’s better for your child’s language development to play with more traditional toys with you. I don’t think it’s worth falling out with your mum over or getting upset about but nothing wrong with not wanting the toy and I suspect your son will like other toys just as much as long as you’ve the time to play with him while he explores them.

veeeeh · 15/12/2020 18:55

I suppose because there are few dramas about travelling fifteen hundred miles, we have this!

UsernameChat · 15/12/2020 18:57

You may be overreacting here. I sometimes address cards etc to my friend's first name, maiden name, as I knew them for 10 years before they got married and the maiden name is the one stuck in my head. It's not intentional or a slight against their DH.

I read your update saying you feel your mum doesn't think your DH is good enough for you, so perhaps the name thing is a slight. Either way, I don't think you should let it bother you. She clearly loves your son, as she goes to the effort of buying him age-appropriate toys (albeit ones you don't like - I wasn't particularly happy when a friend bought my toddler a drum, but such is life. My child loved it and gets ennormous pleasure out of it.) That's the important thing.

Piratedoor · 15/12/2020 18:57

If it's any help my daughters favourite toy when she was about your sons age was that puppy, she absolutely loved it. Wouldn't hurt to see if he likes it 🤷‍♀️

Ideasplease322 · 15/12/2020 19:00

I have bought that puppy as a present. Didn’t think it was tacky at all.

You might have inherited your mother’s snobbery😂😂😂

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