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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argh! Present from DM! AIBU?

302 replies

KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 17:12

I need some advice as I don’t know how to respond to this and don’t know if I’m overreacting. There is kinda two parts to it.

I got home this afternoon to a amazon parcel delivery from my DM. The parcel was addressed to DS name, my maiden name. This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage. I also feel that this disrespect is solely kept for us as DM would NEVER send a parcel addressed to DNephew, DSIL maiden name as that isn’t their name.

Additionally it actually said on the box what the contents of it was - the puppy toy in the picture. I have overtly said it that I do not like noisy, tacky, plastic toys like this on more than one occasion, but this is just ignored. Last Christmas DS was only about 7 weeks old and DM bought him the robot pictured. I cannot stand it and it hasn’t been played with in a year. This year I was determined to avoid this situation and made DS a fairly extensive Amazon wish list with various things at a range of prices for family to pick from. But again this has been ignored by DM.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people choosing something not from the list for DS, but feel that to choose a gift that is the exact kind of thing I have said I don’t like/want to be very disrespectful. This was on top of the disrespect I’d felt from the address label. So felt like a bit of a double whammy. Sad

For clarity, if you have any of the toys pictured, and your kids enjoy them, that’s great, this is just my own personal choice. Smile

OP posts:
BullshitVivienne · 15/12/2020 17:54

I have both of those toys, do I fail as a middle class mother?

Original poster
KangaRooMama · 15/12/2020 17:55

Just to touch on the backstory, I don't wanna go into it in too much detail as it's very long and multi faceted and a little bit upsetting, but in a nutshell, DM didn't super approve of the relationship, she's a bit of snob and would have preferred someone a bit more well-to-do, which DH isn't. When I chose to move from living in the same town as DM to living with him (2 hours away), this resulting in a massive argument. There were issues over the wedding which I'm not going to go into, but it has left both me and DH with the impression that she feels he is not good enough for me, despite how well suited we are. Therefore the address label just feels like another way of her having a dig.

OP posts:
0blio · 15/12/2020 17:55

Just ask her to sponsor a goat for him next year.

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2020 17:55

I’m wondering what toys are on your wish list 🤔
Yes these toys are plastic, noisy etc.. but they are designed to help development (repetitive songs and noises) and most 1/2 year olds would love them. I remember when I had my first dc and I had plans on buying wooden traditional toys and certain clothes for them, it didn’t last long as they hated most the wooden toys and people kept giving us noisy plastic toys which dd loved (that god awful vetch phone which she never put down, her first word was triangle 😬). I think your being a bit precious about the toys but can see why your upset about the name but I wouldn’t say anything, could have been a mistake or it may have been done to get a reaction so it’s not worth causing a argument over.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/12/2020 17:55

How fortunate you are to have nothing else to stress over ffs

pictish · 15/12/2020 17:56

I don’t know about the name. You clearly feel it’s a jibe. If my mum had done this it would barely register. I wouldn’t have taken offence. Again, without knowing the history, you seem disproportionately annoyed by it.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/12/2020 17:56

"This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage."

Need to know the behind the scenes on that one. Did she love your ex? Has DH been a shit and you've stuck by him? Had she promised you to another? Does she think changing your name on marriage is a sign of being slave to the patriachy? (I do)

Otherwise - you seem to be reading an awful lot into it.

And your DS is going to love that, sorry.

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2020 17:56

You say your mums a bit of a snob? 🤔

Planty13 · 15/12/2020 17:56

Really OP? Absolutely have a conversation about the name but the gift is fine. It doesn’t have to be for your taste - it isn’t for you. It’s for a 1 year old and honestly I think you’re lying if you were to say your child dislikes such toys.

pictish · 15/12/2020 17:57

Ah cross posted with you.

NerrSnerr · 15/12/2020 17:58

What are your issues with the toys? Is it because they're plastic? Would Lego be acceptable in a couple of years?

What would your ideal gifts be for this age? What if your so likes them?

YANBU about the name but you sound like a snob about the toys.

Redlocks28 · 15/12/2020 17:59

The gifts are fine!

innercitysumo · 15/12/2020 17:59

Why do you hate the toys? They are perfectly suitable for your child. Keeping them from him when he would get enjoyment from them, is spiting him because you are annoyed at your mum. I don't like a lot of my kids toys, a lot I think are over priced, annoying and loud. I would never keep them from them
Based on my dislike of them. It's for his enjoyment not yours.
The name is annoying, and I understand this. You need to speak with her on this matter.
The Amazon wish list and your dictating what toys he can play with is ridiculous. Unless they are unsuitable, there's no reason for you to decide what he might enjoy.

Thismustbelove · 15/12/2020 17:59

My DC had that toy and loved it. :)

For me toys can only be controlled to an extent. I vowed never to buy a switch/xbox. Guess what DC is getting for Xmas!

Refusing to use your marriage name and refusing to accept you and her grandson share her name is very disrespectful and hurtful. Can your DH speak to her about this?

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 15/12/2020 18:00

Only you know if the address label was a dig at you, it sounds deliberate from what you have said.

I had both toys for my DD. They did my bloody head in but she loved them. She has all the wooden and educational toys but nothing beats a singing, dancing robot that copies your voice.

NerrSnerr · 15/12/2020 18:01

I really don't think it's fair to police toys from others. If they're age appropriate see if huge children like them. There are toys that I never considered buying my children that we received as gifts that have been huge hits and made them really happy.

oneglassandpuzzled · 15/12/2020 18:02

I'm afraid both my children at those ages would have loved those toys. Grin. Sorry.

I feel your pain. My children BOTH once won enormous toy dogs (almost the same size as them and I'm not joking) in a school raffle. I was appalled but they were completely thrilled. I counted the days until we could pass the dogs on, but the children adored them.

alreadytaken · 15/12/2020 18:02

I'm not great with tech and amazon sometimes puts my name on parcels for other people. I put their name and address in but with a different billing name and address it sometimes doesnt seem to take. So I wouldnt assume that part was deliberate.

Buy cheap batteries (or rechargeables), then you dont have any spares when they go flat or they need to be recharged and you get a bit of peace.

At least you got age appropriate toys.

NerrSnerr · 15/12/2020 18:02

*see if the children like them. Small children may like them as well as huge children!

Thismustbelove · 15/12/2020 18:02

Oops just realised it is YOUR mum. Well that is easier than it being your MIL. Have a conversation. Tell her how hurt you are. If she refuses to accept your son has his father's name, I would be very hurt and would review my future relationship with her.

Luciferthethird · 15/12/2020 18:02

Is your mothers surname the same as your maiden name? Sometimes when I send things my surname gets autofilled, even if I've typed it in. Also get used to being given plastic tat for your kids OP... Every Christmas, Birthday even with a list.

pictish · 15/12/2020 18:03

Having looked at the toys again I’m going to say it. If you really think those toys are something to stick your nose in the air over, you definitely need to get over yourself.
Your relationship with your mum is a separate issue. In regard to the toys, don’t be that person. They’re not your accessories, they are for the child they have been designed for.

hansgrueber · 15/12/2020 18:04

@NeutralJanet

I think you're probably overreacting just a bit, sounds like there is a backstory with your relationship with your mum but buying your child a present that isn't to your exact taste isn't "disrespectful". You need to chill out a bit, in a couple of years your DS will be asking Santa for all kinds of plastic tat that you will hate but he will love.
The name could be a genuine accident, I'd been married for 5 years and went into the bank to cash a cheque, it was soooooo long ago, the bank clerk who knew me looked oddly at me, I'd signed my maiden name on the cheque!
SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2020 18:05

Another one who is curious what's on your gift list. Ot might not be a wooden Montessori type toy but one will get DC up and dancing and moving around, the other will help them learn their alphabet, numbers, colours etc. It's not like she brought kindling and matches .

I wonder if anyone else had brought them of you'd have allowed him to play with his presents?

Just donate them to charity. If you're quick, they can be someone else's present and some charities are still specifically collecting new children's toys

andawaywego · 15/12/2020 18:05

The name thing is weird. My DD has that dog thing and absolutely loves it! Yeah, noisy toys are annoying, but I kind of feel that's just part of parenting. You learn to tune them out. Also, she says the colours along with the dog, so it's a little bit educational.

I'd text DM to thank her for the gift but say 'Oh this is so strange, you seem to have put my maiden name. Must have been an autocomplete error.'

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