Argh! Present from DM! AIBU?

[KangaRooMama]

I need some advice as I don’t know how to respond to this and don’t know if I’m overreacting. There is kinda two parts to it.

I got home this afternoon to a amazon parcel delivery from my DM. The parcel was addressed to DS name, my maiden name. This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage. I also feel that this disrespect is solely kept for us as DM would NEVER send a parcel addressed to DNephew, DSIL maiden name as that isn’t their name.

Additionally it actually said on the box what the contents of it was - the puppy toy in the picture. I have overtly said it that I do not like noisy, tacky, plastic toys like this on more than one occasion, but this is just ignored. Last Christmas DS was only about 7 weeks old and DM bought him the robot pictured. I cannot stand it and it hasn’t been played with in a year. This year I was determined to avoid this situation and made DS a fairly extensive Amazon wish list with various things at a range of prices for family to pick from. But again this has been ignored by DM.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people choosing something not from the list for DS, but feel that to choose a gift that is the exact kind of thing I have said I don’t like/want to be very disrespectful. This was on top of the disrespect I’d felt from the address label. So felt like a bit of a double whammy.

For clarity, if you have any of the toys pictured, and your kids enjoy them, that’s great, this is just my own personal choice.

Sounds like your mother doesn't like your husband?
YABU about the toy though.

Get a picture taken and framed with your sons full name emblazoned across the bottom - so it can't be missed when it's displayed in her home. Gift it to her from your son - so she has to display it. (Prompt him to say - I want you to put it on top of .......(the most visible piece of furniture) ............so she'll have to put it in the most visible place 😂).

The name thing is disrespectful and I would be having words about that. The presents however are age appropriate and you need to put your dislike aside as they are not for you. My dd got gifted the puppy when she was little, it stays at grandma's house but she loves it.

It was a source of great pain and distress to DH and I that the DC always, always adored the horrible plastic tat MIL bought them. They loved it though so we got over ourselves.

Christmas is so overrated. Two days of mayhem, disinterest, hard work, digs, and so on.

Should be cancelled immediately. LOL

As someone said upthread - wait until the birthday parties start. The amount of shit you get will be overwhelming. And you’ll start buying equally shit stuff because you can’t be arsed anymore.

I’m a huge reader. I have my own ‘library’. I had visions of my children sitting at my feet as I read classic tales and fables to them. Like heck they did. No matter how much I tried, they don’t like reading.

Children are people you know? Your son will either play with the toy because he likes it or avoid it because it’s crap. You won’t have any influence over it. Accept it and embrace it.

Someone bought that bear/dog whatever it is for DS for his first birthday, we called it nightmare bear, the shrill tinny noises are not something I want DS to be copying, nor do I want to listen to them as he repeatedly mashes the buttons over and over. His development is fine without it FWIW.
The day after his birthday DS dropped it behind the sofa, it stayed there until he forgot about it and we took it to a charity shop 😂

Those look like pretty well made, and thought out toys. My 5 year old would be into the robot if it copies your voice. Those sorts of toys have a longer lifespan than you think, and if you have more children they can be a good way of them playing together, when collaborative play is beyond the younger one.

I have plenty of friends who despair at any noisy toy, but I love it when my children choose something I wouldn’t have considered, and show me what they love about it. They’re showing me a little part of themselves. I have my principles, and ultimately I can say no to anything I want to, but I love sharing things I like with them, and want them to feel the same connection with me.

My 5 year got a birthday present definitely chosen by her friend, and it is ridiculous, and both my children adore it. If you can try to see these things through your child’s eyes you might find share some great moments with them.

Awww now that’s a cute toy and your DS will likely love it!

I do understand that there’s a back story, and the name thing would have got under my skin too.

But in the grand scheme of things it isn’t too bad. And I would let your DS have his present and even try to feel positive about it. Most children get immense joy out of the kind of toys we’d prefer them to hate.

Yeah... it's a bit rubbish of your mum to buy your child a gift that you explicitly said you didn't want... but I wouldn't make a big thing of it. It will only fuel the fire.

Just accept it and if you don't want your son to play with it then just put it away somewhere.

Sometimes it's just not worth the hassle of making a big deal out of these things.

I think you need to decide how you want to go forward with your relationship with your Mum and deal with that. Don't make a big drama out of the gift or the addressing of the gift.

If you want a relationship with her, you're going to have to have a proper conversation about how she feels about your DH & about how she treats you as a family etc.

Deal with it properly, don't 'kick off' about this one thing.

Good Luck!

You talk about your mum being a snob.... so are you! What is wrong with the toys?

I love traditional wooden toys, and educational toys and arts and crafts gifts. They're great. Those little wooden things you get with laces on them air they can practice knotting and sewing and wooden blocks toys... all great. But toys which have buttons and light up and play music are also great for their development and motor skills. What's your problem?

You're totally right about the name thing, but wrong in the toys. The only reason the one from last year is still in its box is because you havent given it to your in. He would have loved to have it.

Haven't read the full thread but I have nightmares about that puppy 🤣 lg loves it though!

V-Tech make some of the most awful toys, but they've done their research well as children really like them, even though the repetitious songs and voices really get on parents' nerves! One thing to bear in mind is that your child is highly unlikely to want to play with them forever, so they're only part of your life for a finite length of time, like a few years. A lot of that time there are other toys that catch your child's attention more, so they languish for a while before you get rid pass them on to others. I would accept them on your child's behalf in a nice, sunny (faked) cheerful tone and don't let her know it bugs you!

Same with the name issue. If you suspect she's doing it deliberately to make passive aggressive digs about your DH, pretend to blithely not notice. It'll end up annoying her more that you seem oblivious to her snubs, than it annoys you that she's having a dig.

Remember that whole thing about not being able to control someone else's behaviour, only how you respond to it. Rise above it, pretend you don't care, fake it until you make it. Because really, you're giving her silly snubs more brain space than it deserves, which is having an impact on you not her. Don't let it!

I bought that robot for DGD last year; she loves it. Give the child the toy and have a quiet word about the name. Don’t turn it into a big drama.

Well done for realising that the background issues might be leading you to overreact.
When my DC were small, the two relatives apart from DH and I who were closest to them were both in the habit of sending inappropriate presents. For most of them we just smiled, said thanks and were grateful the kids had relatives who loved them. But sometimes the gifts were so unsafe or age-inappropriate that we had a special cupboard for such things, where they could be stored put of sight for a while while we decided what to do. We couldn't have given them to a charity shop, so in the end most got binned. Two examples of these were a pair of sparkly plastic high-heeled shoes for our 2-year-old and an Enid Blyton picture book that was frankly racist - no idea how that got printed this century.
We wouldn't have blinked twice at the two examples you've shown! Comparatively harmless.

The name thing would annoy me but only because my mum would be the type to deliberately do it to piss me off. However you’re being extremely precious over the gift.

Am I the only parent who hates the wooden stuff?! Kids never seem excited by it

I couldn’t get worked up about any of this
The toy is hardly offensive, she should be able to get what she wants. It looks like it’s colourful and lots of buttons to press. 🤷🏻‍♀️Or are you one of those types that just does wooden toys- bit snobby ?
The labelling? I have parcels turn up for every variation of my name. Maybe she made a mistake, maybe it’s not worth making a big deal out of.
My mil sent my son a present once with my maiden name on?! Obviously completely wrong, but who cares.

If there's a backstory, then I suggest you don't think in terms of 'getting away with' sending it back - you just do send it back.

You will get away with it because you're an adult. What can she do - smack you and send you to bed?

Tell her she knows your name and your son's name. Then put the phone down.

You sound like a lot of hard work.

It's a jeffing gift! Just smile and say thank you. End of.

How the fucking label was addressed is not important.

Yeah, I'd send it back.

Your DM acting like a bit of a dick is her problem. You taking it from her is yours.

Just wait until he gets into toot-toot cars, you’ll be begging for songs about blue ears 😂

I’m a brave police car, on my way to stop the crime!

@whatkatydid2013 "While a lot of people think it’s snobby to dislike electronic toys there is research that suggests it’s better for your child’s language development to play with more traditional toys with you."
This is my feeling about it, and hence my dislike. Having studied child development and the EYFS, my understanding was that children don't learn language passively like this, they need a adult to give them context to help them understand it. So a child may be able to parrot back the word "green" or "circle" because the bloody puppy says it, but with no understanding of what that word actually means. Having now opened the amazon box, the packaging for the bloody puppy actually says "teaches baby over 100 first words" and it just makes me want to shout "NO IT DOESN'T!" I've known families through my job where the child has delayed speech and the majority had primarily accessed language like this with little parental input.
But if people feels that makes me a snob, then that's fine.