Argh! Present from DM! AIBU?

[KangaRooMama]

I need some advice as I don’t know how to respond to this and don’t know if I’m overreacting. There is kinda two parts to it.

I got home this afternoon to a amazon parcel delivery from my DM. The parcel was addressed to DS name, my maiden name. This has upset me as this has never been, nor ever will be his name. I feel that this is blatant show of disrespect to me and DH and our marriage. I also feel that this disrespect is solely kept for us as DM would NEVER send a parcel addressed to DNephew, DSIL maiden name as that isn’t their name.

Additionally it actually said on the box what the contents of it was - the puppy toy in the picture. I have overtly said it that I do not like noisy, tacky, plastic toys like this on more than one occasion, but this is just ignored. Last Christmas DS was only about 7 weeks old and DM bought him the robot pictured. I cannot stand it and it hasn’t been played with in a year. This year I was determined to avoid this situation and made DS a fairly extensive Amazon wish list with various things at a range of prices for family to pick from. But again this has been ignored by DM.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people choosing something not from the list for DS, but feel that to choose a gift that is the exact kind of thing I have said I don’t like/want to be very disrespectful. This was on top of the disrespect I’d felt from the address label. So felt like a bit of a double whammy.

For clarity, if you have any of the toys pictured, and your kids enjoy them, that’s great, this is just my own personal choice.

Well dd has the 2 toys, last year the robot one was VERY popular, even came in a miniature size, EVERYONE bought her one, no word of a lie we have 6 large size ones and roughly 8 small ones, dd is disabled so anything with noise and lights makes her really happy, so image the whole lot going off together 🤪 and I'd be quite immune to toy noises. The Teddy one was actually alot of fun. As for the name I don't know if she's doing it on purpose but I wouldn't get too upset over it, enjoy the toys lol

I sent my godson an amazon or email with his name and my surname. Still don’t know how it happened.

I think YABU, it’s about a gift the giver thinks your son would like rather than what you would like.

The name thing depends on the backstory. It could be a simple error or it could be a nasty dig.

The toy thing however is, sorry, ridiculously precious. Kids of that age like toys like that. It's a perfectly appropriate toy for a Granny to buy her Grandchild. There are times (sometimes often) where you have to put what you kid would prefer first and in this case Granny has bought him a good present that he'll likely like. Pick your battles - that is absolutely not a hill to die on.

Just return them or pass them onto someone else. We all have to do this at some point with naff presents for ourselves or our children, it’s just a part of life. My MIL buys awful things, we just take them to the charity shop.

@BullshitVivienne

I have both of those toys, do I fail as a middle class mother?

Oh golly, DTwins had the dog for their birthday and I've got the Bot for their Christmas (just gone one). Do I PASS as a working class Mom??

YABU, the toys are fine and I couldn’t get worked up over the name thing.

@oneglassandpuzzled

I'm afraid both my children at those ages would have loved those toys. . Sorry.

I feel your pain. My children BOTH once won enormous toy dogs (almost the same size as them and I'm not joking) in a school raffle. I was appalled but they were completely thrilled. I counted the days until we could pass the dogs on, but the children adored them.

I have a huge minion in the spare room that my grandaughter was given years ago and apparently I'm not allowed to get rid of it though I don't think she's ever played with it. I think it might become a lockdown victim.

Send it back to her, tell her you never want to hear from her again. Job done.

Will probably be a relief all round.

We have both those toys. I would never have bought them but my 1 year loves them especially the dog. Im glad the relatives who bought them did now.

You are massively over-reacting. You don't get to dictate what other people give your child. She's chosen a perfectly fine, age-appropriate toy. Get over yourself.

Ignore, ignore and ignore. Be gracious and thank her for the present. this will take the wind out of her sails if she's being bitchy. She is either being bitchy, or genuinely made a mistake. She presumably has an account with Amazon in her name and had to change the delivery address, so she changed the first name to her adored DGS and didn't spot the surname, maybe.

If you try to find out and she's being bitchy, she'll know she's annoyed you and will be smug. Therefore just thank her for the lovely horrible gift and forget about it.

I would never have bought that robot toy for my kids but someone did and they both loved it so much!

So it's about not acknowledging your husband?

And ignoring your wishes-what your son's name is & what you have asked for for him.

I think if she was a decent person then what she bought wouldn't bother you so much.

The surname thing is odd but everyone knows it's a grandparent (or aunt or uncles) prerogative to buy annoying noisy brash toys. It looks a nice toy for a one year old. Don't be that parent who insists their kids can only have certain types of toy upsetting relatives needlessly, wooden toys especially tend to be very expensive for what you get

OP, so your mum is (allegedly) snobby about your choice of life partner.

Yet you are equally snobby about her choice of present. Which tbh looks ideal for a child of your DC's age.

Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Expecting family to only buy from your specific list is quite controlling IMHO. The name thing - not sure I'd get hung up about it but then I never changed my name as I don't like the patriarchal assumptions about that and am always tempted to send card back to sender when they are addressed to 'Mrs DH surname". Worst of all if Mr and Mrs DH first name, DH surname. Soooooo offensive.

Nip it in the bud & return - not known at this address.

When she challenges it, explain that's not ds name as well you know.

If you accept the gift, she'll keep doing it & it will get worse as he gets older.

Good luck x

OP, the backstory you mentioned was all in the past and around big life changes. Only you know if your mum is someone who has fixed ideas and deals poorly with big changes or if she’s a horrible snob who makes continual passive aggressive digs. If she’s prone to digs, I’d be direct and set her straight now.

In terms of the toy, can I offer a different perspective? I completely appreciate its your choice to buy your Dc the toys you want. However, my sister continually makes lists of beige/ white/ pastel wooden toys which she wants but my nephew genuinely never plays with. When he comes to mine, he goes nuts playing with the colourful/ character ‘tacky’ toys. I went along with it for a while but tbh I buy for my nephew not sister so I just buy him something I think he’ll enjoy now.

The name thing wouldn't bother me, Kate is still being referred to as Kate Middleton despite the fact she's been married for nearly 10 years. Kids do like those sort of toys.

Just send her a text saying ds dh surname says thank you in advance for his present. Then send her a picture of him with it saying ds dh surname loves his toy from granny maiden name

Sounds as if you are controlling when it comes to what gifts people are allowed to buy your child.
Whatever happened to being happy he received a gift.
Most children love this sort of thing. It is age appropriate.
Just say thank you for the gift if you want to have a go at her about the name on the package do that but the gift isn’t a problem but your attitude to it is.

She's being passive aggressive. The best way to deal with it is to either be direct 'Please address things to the correct name in the future as it's offensive to me when you do otherwise', or, if you think that won't work, totally ignore it. Breeze over it with an absent minded 'thank you for the lovely present for little Bobby...'

How not to deal with passive aggression is to be passively pissed off. That means a) the passive aggression worked and b) you're alone and powerless in your upset. Don't do that to yourself.

in this day an age a child can have mothers maiden name, their fathers name, a different name altogether or a double barrelled both names. It’s hard to keep it all straight and remember who has what preference

For a more distant relative or friend, maybe. But this is her grandchild.

At first I read this and I thought it was your MIL but I see it is your own Mother - the one who has been used to calling you by this name since Day 1 ! You obviously chose not to reveal the backstory initially but you do sound like hard work .

“ You don't get to dictate what other people give your child. She's chosen a perfectly fine, age-appropriate toy.”.

This.

A gift is a gift, not an obligation. If you don’t like it, just smile sweetly and say ‘thank you’. You may not like it, but your dm does (and your DS will probably like it also).

It’s not disrespectful to choose something off the list. You’ve actually contradicted yourself, by saying that you don’t mind people choosing things off the list, then complains when people do choose something off the list,

Sorry OP, I agree with the majority.

I also think you're being snobby about the toy, let your child have it