Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 13 14

Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:

derxa · 14/12/2020 21:30

Such a sad thread

ruby4ever · 14/12/2020 21:33

Is your dh her dad? Will she speak to him if she doesn't want to speak to you

Cannotcope4223 · 14/12/2020 21:35

OP you seem very reluctant to expand on whether this is a change in behaviour... if this has happened before then she sounds like one spoiled fucker. Be firm and give out merry hell. If this is completely out of character then I would be contacting my GP for advice as well as womens aid. X

Ericaequites · 14/12/2020 21:36

Marijuana is a gateway drug. It can cause psychological problems, and use can lead to psychosis. You and Dad need to stay United, sit her down, and as why she feels so angry. It could be other things as well.
For more information, read Tell Your Children.

Becca19962014 · 14/12/2020 21:36

She most likely won't be allowed back into halls before the date and times agreed when she left due to covid. Kicking her out will mean to the street. And the OP will need to provide a letter stating this is the case. IF her daughter was allowed back (and that would be difficult to arrange given she's in hall) she wouldn't see anyone at all (all uni services close over Christmas there's never anything open for students at normal times never mind now) and if her mental health is suffering that would likely push her over the edge. Ive spent Christmas in uni halls and it's really tough. No services at all, no internet, nothing because everything was shutdown 23rd December until 2nd January.

Seriously that will not help her and, send a very clear message to the OPs son that his parents will overreact to any problems he may experience in the future himself meaning he won't speak up about any issues himself.

It's been ONE WEEK. I'm not condoning her behaviour, the OP should have addressed boundaries the moment her daughter got home, but she didn't, so now she has a larger problem to sort out, but she must sort it out.

BelleSausage · 14/12/2020 21:36

Here is his Commons e-Mail address: mailto:[email protected]

BelleSausage · 14/12/2020 21:37

Sorry! Wrong thread!

BlueThistles · 14/12/2020 21:37

@BelleSausage

Here is his Commons e-Mail address: mailto:[email protected]

noted 😂

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 21:38

Op, please ignore the hateful posts urging you to kick her out and hurling abuse at her.

This is a change in character for her, so something is very very wrong. Sacrifice one Xmas to find out what if it comes to it. You need to talk to her, she’s lashing out at you because something else is hurting her. Your her mother, be patient and try to help her and find out what it is.

Kicking her out, could cause all sorts of repurcussions, she’s in pain over something, don’t add to that, when someone is fragile mentally and lashing out, don’t turn your back and risk making it much worse.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 21:39

OP you seem very reluctant to expand on whether this is a change in behaviour

No she’s not, she’s already said she’s not been like this before. What more do you need for goodness sake.

1FootInTheRave · 14/12/2020 21:40

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

What was she like previously?

parlourpalm · 14/12/2020 21:41

@1FootInTheRave

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

What was she like previously?

Rtft!!!

bitheby · 14/12/2020 21:41

Something must have happened. Do you think that she's been through something traumatic or could she have been experimenting with drugs?

I'd want to find out why she's lashing out like this. Seems like it could be a cry for help.

Skittlebug · 14/12/2020 21:43

My first thought was drugs, a speed comedown/withdrawal makes for terrible attitude and anger problems. Honestly tho I don't think I could put up with this behaviour, but I feel like there's more to this story than op is willing to convey.

LynetteScavo · 14/12/2020 21:43

I think she's being so awful to you because she knows you live her unconditionally, and is taking all her anger out on you.
The question is why is she so angry and hurt. If it's not because of something you've done, something must have happened.

You need to point out to her that while your her parent and love her unconditionally, you have feelings too and are hurt by her actions. Remind her that you will support her, and if she feels she need to go back to uni a little early you'll support her with that.

I bet she doesn't chose to go back, and is actually feeling a more secure than she has since she went off to uni.

RisingSunn · 14/12/2020 21:48

Explain to her if she has one more vile outburst; or gives alcohol to her brother again she must leave the following day.

Explain that you love her and will always be there for her; but she will not be allowed to disrespect you, your husband or your home.

The nerve of it.

jacks11 · 14/12/2020 21:49

Sunkengalleon

At 18 years old she is 100% responsible for her behaviour- legally and morally. We do young adults no favours by giving them all the rights they expect as an adult but absolving them of the majority of the responsibilities that go with those rights.

There are too many young people who lack resilience, maturity and sense of responsibility- precisely because they are not made to take bear the consequences of their actions and have parents (and others) willing to run round after them clearing things up or making excuses for them. They don’t have the skills to manage risk or cope when things don’t go to plan but they don’t have someone else to bail them out. I have recently had experience of this directly with more than one young person quite recently (including one young adult who tried to negotiate with their adult “child’s” employer when the person in question was turning up late and not performing satisfactorily- there was always an excuse (not acceptable) or blaming everyone else for things not being completed. Mum thought employer should discuss with her and kept trying to suggest that leeway should be given as they were “just a child really”! I’m not saying it’s true of all teens/younger adults- or even most- but I do think it’s a growing minority. I know it won’t be a popular view on here, but I really do see it as a problem. And I think it stems from this view that young adults should have all of the rights that come with being an adult but can abdicate whichever (or all) responsibilities that don’t suit at any particular time.

Doggybiccys · 14/12/2020 21:50

OP - sounds horrific but I am going on the side of those who think there is more to this than meets the eye. Please don’t “Chuck her out” - she is at uni but still a child. I hope u can get it sorted

SaltyAF · 14/12/2020 22:00

I couldn't have her in my house if she talked to me like that, trauma or no trauma. I think I could ask my own DC to leave if it came to it, for their own sake as much as mine.

Cannotcope4223 · 14/12/2020 22:01

@Bluntness100

OP you seem very reluctant to expand on whether this is a change in behaviour

No she’s not, she’s already said she’s not been like this before. What more do you need for goodness sake.

Where in this thread does it say ‘This is COMPLETELY out of character for my usually lovely daughter. This is a total 180 from when we last saw her and I don’t know what to do’? Exactly. Nowhere. If this is a person in crisis then that would have been clear and thats not how the OP’s updates read AT ALL.

OP you need to be honest with yourself - why do you think she’s behaving this way? Have you had it out with her yet?

Groovinpeanut · 14/12/2020 22:02

It sounds awful OP.
I personally don't think sending her back to Uni is an option. If the halls have shut down, and many services inaccessible.
You don't deserve to be spoken to or treated in such a way. If she has behaved in such a way in the past, only you know what she's really like. It maybe that she feels she's left home now, and is resentful of you imposing your house rules.
Bottom line it is your house, and you have the right to not accept such behaviour in it.
I wouldn't pussyfoot around as you need to be able to get through to your daughter that her behaviour is not acceptable.
To be honest nothing should justify her telling you to fuck off or calling you a cunt. If there are issues at uni or in her life, that's not your fault.
I hope you manage to resolve the issue. The thought of 3 weeks of this situation will be unbearable for you.
All the best

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 22:02

She said she’s not behaved like this before, end of. That’s all she needs to say, you’re not entitled to more give over.

tensmum1964 · 14/12/2020 22:04

That is appalling. Even if she is struggling at Uni there is no excuse on the planet for that sort of behaviour. Why would you allow your adult child to talk to you like that. Mine would be out the door the first time they tried it. In cases like this I can't help wondering what she has been allowed to get away with before. Not that its an excuse but your kids don't just start randomly behaving like that at 18, she must have gotten away with being a disgusting brat before. For Gods sake OP teach her a lesson and tell her to go. No one has the right to talk to you like that. It will also teach your son that this behaviour is not acceptable because if he see's her getting away with it he will have no respect for you and treat you equally badly.

mbosnz · 14/12/2020 22:13

I couldn't kick her out on the streets.

But I could, and would, warn her that any further occurrances, and particularly without being given any sort of insight into why she was behaving in such a manner, would mean she would be required to leave my home, for the wellbeing of my son, my husband, and myself.

And I'd offer to book her into a cheap chain hotel, with an allowance for meals etc, to last her until next semester.

Being traumatised, etc, is not a get out of jail free card. It does not entitle you to abuse other people, or endanger younger vulnerable siblings. There's got to be some sort of willingness to engage. Just because that people are family, that doesn't mean to say they have to accept being used as emotional, verbal, or alcohol provided punching bags. That includes mothers.

MinnieJackson · 14/12/2020 22:16

How old is she OP? This is not normal, did you speak when she was living away? She can't speak like that to you

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 13 14