Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/12/2020 21:03

I love the pearl clutching
drugs ...... Which ones - they are not all the same you know

Gosh, aren't you just so cool and worldy wise? Hmm

No one is saying that a quick toke turns you into a Jekyll & Hyde character. But over-use or dependence on drugs is the number 1 reason for sudden personality changes in young people. Only an idiot would not consider drugs as a possible reason for unexplained changes in behaviour.

livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 21:03

@mbosnz but that’s all speculation there is no hard evidence that was what happened all the op says is that she went up to the DDs room and found them watching a film with some beers

mbosnz · 14/12/2020 21:05

Yes, and that's watching a film with a couple of beers, with a 13 year old she knows is not allowed to drink. That's not speculation. He's not legally allowed to drink without the express permission of his parents or guardians. That's not his sister, by the way. . .

jacks11 · 14/12/2020 21:08

In this house she would be told that keeping a civil tongue in her head was not optional- no matter what else was going on. Giving alcohol to her 13 year old brother is absolutely disgraceful behaviour and I would have absolutely no tolerance for it. There would be serious consequences if she supplied alcohol to an underage child outside of her home, so I don’t see why she should be allowed to do so unchallenged at home.

There may be a reason, but there is no excuse for foul behaviour and she needs to be told that you will not tolerate it. She is not a child, she’s a (young) adult- if she wants to be treated as such, then she needs to behave like one.

I think you and your husband should have a talk with her. Lay down some firm ground rules and let her know they are non-negotiable. Ask her again if there are any problems and reassure her that you will try to help if she is struggling or something has happened- but be very firm that her behaviour is unacceptable and outline the consequences of failure to follow the rules. If she cannot follow the rules, then she must accept the consequences. She’s an adult, time she started acting like it.

I accept it has been hard for university students but it would be a cold day in hell before I accepted and excused being called a cunt or told to fuck off in my own home. I would not tolerate an adult giving my 13 year old alcohol (especially when they had been expressly told not to), even if they were depressed or anxious or bored or fed up. So yes, ask again if there is an problem but be very clear that whatever is going on her behaviour has to change.

nanbread · 14/12/2020 21:08

People who drink before age 15 are four times more likely to become alcoholics.

That aside, as parents our jobs are to love our children no matter what. It will be hard but I would try to find a way to get your DD to open up.

I was pretty vile to my parents when I came back from uni. Not as bad as that, but rude and snappy. I had had a taste of freedom and didn't like going back into their rules.

livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 21:08

Yes but that’s very different to what you have suggested unless there is a substantial drip feel coming then that’s not the situation here

ListeningQuietly · 14/12/2020 21:08

He's not legally allowed to drink without the express permission of his parents or guardians. That's not his sister, by the way. . .
Link to that bit of legislation please

BefuddledPerson · 14/12/2020 21:09

@mbosnz

Yes, and that's watching a film with a couple of beers, with a 13 year old she knows is not allowed to drink. That's not speculation. He's not legally allowed to drink without the express permission of his parents or guardians. That's not his sister, by the way. . .
Quite. This is not a small matter imo.
Holly60 · 14/12/2020 21:11

This is a really tough one. There is a lot of anger and hurt behind those comments and I think as her mum you might need to try to get to the bottom of that before you make any decisions.

She needs unconditional love and acceptance from her mum, just as she did when she was little and throwing tantrums. Once you have gotten to the bottom of why she is so angry and addressed that, you can then address how she has made you feel and hopefully get her to take responsibility for that.

Really tough one mum - good luck

ListeningQuietly · 14/12/2020 21:13

It is NOT illegal for an 18 year old to drink at home with a 13 year old
www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s

pearl clutching extraordinaire

Christmasfairy2020 · 14/12/2020 21:14

Half a story here. So what was your relationship like before she went to uni. Was she a boarding school child, state or private school. Did u have shopping trips and get on or was it a love hate relationship.

girlcrushonvillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:14

My first thought would be to kick her back to Uni.

But first I would tell her that she was very much loved and if she wanted to talk and let it all out then you are there for her. And say it more than once.

After a few days, I would then warn her that if her vile behaviour continues she will be asked to return to Uni for Christmas.

She needs to know that you are willing to help her when she needs it, but also the way she is reacting is unacceptable.

Good luck OP

sunkengalleon · 14/12/2020 21:15

So many posters describing your daughter as an adult as if that's an absolute. It's not like a switch flicks and then our kids become entirely responsible for their emotions and behaviour. You are still her mum, and still really important to her. Try to hang in there even if you have to maintain some distance for your own sanity. Parenting doesn't stop at 18 and it sounds to me like she's struggling.

BefuddledPerson · 14/12/2020 21:16

@ListeningQuietly

He's not legally allowed to drink without the express permission of his parents or guardians. That's not his sister, by the way. . . Link to that bit of legislation please
It is legal for an adult to buy alcohol for a child to drink in a private home, but I can't believe a parent is arguing it is ok to do this against the parents' express wishes when drinking so young is not advisable at all Angry
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/12/2020 21:16

Crikey.

If she was not like this before then for sure try and speak to her again. I would be tempted to speak to the university pastor and check everything is ok there as well.

BlueThistles · 14/12/2020 21:16

Your daughter being nasty to you in your own home is not acceptable on any level. If being kind and polite is such hard work for her then she needs to consider living elsewhere. 🌺

Broadbeanssleeping · 14/12/2020 21:18

As an aside the amount of posters referring to ' in my own home', 'under my roof' etc. Have you all turned into my mother??!!!
Aren't these the kind of phrases as younger people we all swore we'd never utter?!

ListeningQuietly · 14/12/2020 21:18

I would be tempted to speak to the university pastor and check everything is ok there as well.
The what ????

starfishmummy · 14/12/2020 21:19

@Bagelsandbrie

Is she taking drugs? Serious question. Such a change in personality is worrying.
This was my thought too.
fruitbrewhaha · 14/12/2020 21:21

Blimey, sounds awful.

Could you put it all in a letter? If she continues to fight with you get her to stay a night or two away. Could your son go somewhere else for a night or two?

Is there anyone at the university you could call? Student support? Get them to speak to her, some kind of intervention.

mbosnz · 14/12/2020 21:23

Sorry, I forgot what country I was in. . . which is possibly why half the kids in this country seem to be off their tits on alcohol or drugs, lol.

You are right. Sadly it's not illegal for this on one hand adult, by virtue of age, but on the other hand, a vulnerable child who should be allowed to do what she likes and treat those providing for her how she likes, because obviously she's your child and you need to fix her, person, to enable and encourage her thirteen year old brother to drink alcohol with her, for whatever reason it suits her - and I'm sure her brother's best interests are evermore first and foremost in her mind. . .
However, it's also worth noting, it's legal for her Mum and Dad to make the rules in their house, to require her to keep to them, and to put her younger brothers best interests, as they see them, in front of enabling her behaviour. And as she is now legally an adult, of course, if she won't adhere to those rules, and is behaving in a manner they feel endangers their younger child, she can be required to go elsewhere. Becoming a grown up can be a very difficult transition. Especially if you don't want to act like one. You want all the privileges of being an adult, and none of the responsibilities. . .

QuietlyExcited · 14/12/2020 21:24

@girlcrushonvillanelle

My first thought would be to kick her back to Uni.

But first I would tell her that she was very much loved and if she wanted to talk and let it all out then you are there for her. And say it more than once.

After a few days, I would then warn her that if her vile behaviour continues she will be asked to return to Uni for Christmas.

She needs to know that you are willing to help her when she needs it, but also the way she is reacting is unacceptable.

Good luck OP

I agree with this. She needs a reality check.
BuzzingTheBee · 14/12/2020 21:25

Not at all but would you consider giving her consequences firsr?

housemdwaswrong · 14/12/2020 21:25

@Mooballs

Just shocked at parents recommending a nuclear solution, kicking an 18 year old out. Some of you lot are not fit to have kids if you can't support your child. At least some are are balanced and recognising a potentially serious MH struggle.
Thats what my parents thought too. Cue 20 years of dealing with my malevolent bitch of a sister, who was never once worried about them the way they did about her, for years. A term in uni is an adult, and a short sharp shock now is better than the hell my sister put my parents through. It's not always a result of something, sometimes they're just plain old nasty. She can obviously modify her behaviour if she's being nice to her brother, so she's choosing not to.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 14/12/2020 21:27

Yikes, I think my mother would have backhanded me if I called her a cunt, and she never hit us. And it would have been well deserved.
She is an adult, if she is treating you like that she needs to go and live elsewhere.