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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 15/12/2020 15:43

@sonicbook

It's a total mumsnet thing.

It's almost always LTB or he's financially controlling, emotionally abusive, cheating, having an affair, selfish manchild, sex pests etc etc

In my friendship group of about 8 women there are 2 who (as far as I can work out) are MN perfect and the other 6 would fall into the above comment categories.

In real life they are just very normal and LTB would never come up in a face to face conversation about their issues.

If we all followed mumsnet standards then there would be no marriages.

What is it they’re doing that you’re confident would make Mumsnet call them sex pests/abusive/controlling/cheating, but equally confident is fine and they’re just normal?
lazylinguist · 15/12/2020 16:07

In real life they are just very normal and LTB would never come up in a face to face conversation about their issues. If we all followed mumsnet standards then there would be no marriages

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure I'd consider the vast, vast majority of men in the world undesirable for me to marry. 'Normal' doesn't mean 'good'. Maybe if women started rejecting 'normal' financially controlling, emotionally abusive, cheating, having an affair, selfish manchild, sex pests, men would learn that those behaviours do not pay off. I very very rarely disagree with calls of 'LTB' on MN.

lazylinguist · 15/12/2020 16:09

On the man-hating point. It's curious but a LOT of the posters who are fond of the LTB button are actually in happy relationships with men, myself included. Nice dad, great brother, lovely hot husband. Good male friends for decades, fab male colleagues.
It's almost like we understand that men can be considerate, respectful and kind.

Also this.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2020 16:09

@sonicbook then that's just depressing and sad. 6 out of 8 staying in miserable marriages because it's normal.

sonicbook · 15/12/2020 16:15

Sorry I see I've created controversy.

I don't mean that these men are these things I just mean that MN would say they were (or certain posters would)

It's not sad. It's just normal. I'm pretty sure we none of us are perfect.

Examples include:

Helen's husband having a right old moan because they've not had sex in ten months.

Serena has the hump because Andy has told her it's time to get a job as he's sick of shouldering the financial burden and he's sick of her sitting at home

Andrea's husband being a big lazy bastard and not doing an ounce of housework even though they both work

Etc etc

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2020 16:18

I'd leave for any of those reasons. I'd rather be single.

sonicbook · 15/12/2020 16:19

Okay.

sonicbook · 15/12/2020 16:21

Definitely annoying and far far far from
Ideal but really we would LTB for these?

I maybe would for the housework one to be fair.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2020 16:30

If I possibly could @sonicbook, then, yes, I would. Sometimes of course it's not possible because of kids, finances and logistics; but if it was possible, then yes.
Sex example. Unless there's something else going on, then one doesn't want to have sex with the other. So they're at best, friends. What's the point? Serena example. Is she really sitting at hone doing nothing? Either way, resentment is building, and that's only going in one direction. Andreas husband. So, he's selfish, and misogynistic, and believes housework is a woman's job. Absolute no brainier.

category12 · 15/12/2020 16:40

@sonicbook

Sorry I see I've created controversy.

I don't mean that these men are these things I just mean that MN would say they were (or certain posters would)

It's not sad. It's just normal. I'm pretty sure we none of us are perfect.

Examples include:

Helen's husband having a right old moan because they've not had sex in ten months.

Serena has the hump because Andy has told her it's time to get a job as he's sick of shouldering the financial burden and he's sick of her sitting at home

Andrea's husband being a big lazy bastard and not doing an ounce of housework even though they both work

Etc etc

But generally it's not a single incident that results in a LTB thread, although an OP may start with one example - as the thread progresses that incident turns out to be the tip of an iceberg. I get the impression that people who say MN is all LTB all the time, often just read the opening post and don't follow entire threads.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 15/12/2020 17:19

@sonicbook

Sorry I see I've created controversy.

I don't mean that these men are these things I just mean that MN would say they were (or certain posters would)

It's not sad. It's just normal. I'm pretty sure we none of us are perfect.

Examples include:

Helen's husband having a right old moan because they've not had sex in ten months.

Serena has the hump because Andy has told her it's time to get a job as he's sick of shouldering the financial burden and he's sick of her sitting at home

Andrea's husband being a big lazy bastard and not doing an ounce of housework even though they both work

Etc etc

None of those behaviours are normal or ok. How low can the standards for men be?

Maybe the middle one is not necessarily a LTB , but it massively depends if she really does "nothing" and what he expects once she gets a job i.e her doing all the childcare,cooking,cleaning,taking days off for the kids etc.

My friend's husband tells her all the time ,especially during an argument to get a job. He does nothing and they have two children ,one a toddler one with SEN. No cooking,no cleaning,no parenting,no homework,no school runs,no doctors appointments etc. I mean he woke her up today so she could make him lunch. He is an abusive arsehole.

sonicbook · 15/12/2020 19:12

I'm not saying it's right or desirable behaviour but do you honestly think that most women would LTB if their husband moaned at them for not having sex in ten months? Really?

Jesus I'm totally reevaluating stuff here! Amongst my circle this is the biggest instigator of arguments definitely. The thought that everyone would be getting divorced because of it genuinely blows my mind!

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2020 21:07

Well it depends @sonicbook

Everything is normal, the husband does his share, no health or other issues and he's moaning generally, "god I fancy a shag, how long's it been?" I'd be fine.

He's a lazy arse who lets his wife do everything, she's knackered and has a birth injury and a non-sleeping child and he wanks to porn all night and calls her a frigid bitch? I'd be saying to LTB.

ZoeTurtle · 15/12/2020 22:28

@sonicbook

Sorry I see I've created controversy.

I don't mean that these men are these things I just mean that MN would say they were (or certain posters would)

It's not sad. It's just normal. I'm pretty sure we none of us are perfect.

Examples include:

Helen's husband having a right old moan because they've not had sex in ten months.

Serena has the hump because Andy has told her it's time to get a job as he's sick of shouldering the financial burden and he's sick of her sitting at home

Andrea's husband being a big lazy bastard and not doing an ounce of housework even though they both work

Etc etc

You seem to think it's a good thing that your friends wouldn't consider leaving these men. Why?
user1471565182 · 15/12/2020 22:29

This guy was practically made for this thread

Mumsnet hates DH!
Miamarshmallows · 15/12/2020 22:43

You can't have a happy relationship on here OP. People hate it.
I am like you, extremely happy with my DP but had the same sort of comments. Take everything you read on here with a pinch of salt. It's not really reality.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2020 22:58

@Miamarshmallows

You can't have a happy relationship on here OP. People hate it. I am like you, extremely happy with my DP but had the same sort of comments. Take everything you read on here with a pinch of salt. It's not really reality.
Loads of us have happy marriages. So we don’t need to post complaints about our husbands. If you don’t ask for peoples’ opinions you won’t have to hear them.
sonicbook · 15/12/2020 22:58

@ZoeTurtle I think these are pretty normal marriage problems. I don't think that any of them in isolation is worth leaving someone over.

🤷🏻‍♀️ clearly though my friends and I live in a weird twilight zone where we're all in shit relationships.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 15/12/2020 23:00

[quote sonicbook]@ZoeTurtle I think these are pretty normal marriage problems. I don't think that any of them in isolation is worth leaving someone over.

🤷🏻‍♀️ clearly though my friends and I live in a weird twilight zone where we're all in shit relationships. [/quote]
Well, they aren't relationships I fancy being in. Especially the last one. Fuck that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2020 01:39

Andrea's husband being a big lazy bastard and not doing an ounce of housework even though they both work

I would absolutely leave a man who treated me like a domestic appliance. No question. It's utterly contemptuous. And sexist, which is a red button for me.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2020 10:51

@sonicbook
At the risk of sounding like a patronising middle aged twat, I have a feeling all three of those relationships will end in divorce in x years time, with all 3 thinking 'why on earth didn't I do this sooner.'

I am divorced now, from a man who would do none of those things, he was no where near that bad; and I am blown away, utterly staggered by how much happier I am.

lazylinguist · 16/12/2020 11:21

You can't have a happy relationship on here OP. People hate it.

That's not remotely true. People just don't tend to post about their happy relationships, because they don't need to complain or seek relationship advice.

People who post complaining about their dh's unpleasant or useless behaviour shouldn't be surprised if the responses conclude that he is unpleasant or useless.

lazylinguist · 16/12/2020 11:26

Andrea's husband being a big lazy bastard and not doing an ounce of housework even though they both work

This may be depressingly common, but that doesn't make it remotely acceptable. If it's something that will otherwise carry on for the whole marriage, I don't see why LTB isn't a totally appropriate response. Why should Andrea shoulder the whole domestic burden for decades? Why would she want to stay with a lazy, inconsiderate arse who thinks housework is women's work?

PrincessNutNutRoast · 16/12/2020 11:32

I absolutely couldn't stay married to a man who expected me to do all the domestic shitwork, while he pleases himself, if I worked full time as well. It would kill all my love and attraction and would make me feel entirely unloved. If other women want to stay in that situation, that's their choice. But I refute entirely the idea that not finding it acceptable or endurable makes me some sort of trigger-happy man hater who dumps husbands because they breathed wrong.

borntohula · 16/12/2020 11:33

MN hates ALL DHs.