Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2020 17:20

@museumum

I once posted about my dh waking me up when he came to bed (later than me) by putting a light on. I was told this MUST be the tip of the iceberg and he was abusive and I was just so worn down by his behaviour I no longer knew to expect better and I should LTB. Sigh.
But to get a response like that can only possibly mean one thing. It means that that particular poster herself was abused, and that that particular behaviour was something he did. That poster would only have been trying to be kind, to give you some insight in to what it could lead to. So, sure hopefully, yours was just a tiny lighthearted mistake thing and your partner isn't abusive. Then great, happy days. But 'sigh' isn't really a very nice reaction to someone trying to help you is it.
CharlieD2020 · 14/12/2020 17:25

OP, I think you're right sadly. So many comments on threads suggesting ending things asap and calling other people's DHs awful things. I think it's definitely good to take with a pinch of salt.

Glad you have a good relationship with your DH and can see so many lovely qualities in him Flowers

You know him best, so I wouldn't let strangers suggest they know better than you.

Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 17:30

Turning on a light is now considered abuse 😕

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 17:33

@category12

I wouldn't say our relationship is perfect but I think it falls within the norms based on what I know of my friends relationships with their DHs. Maybe your friends have rotten relationships and support you in yours because it feels normal to them?
Quite a few of my friends are in shitty or not quite right relationships. I definitely don't judge mine in comparison to theirs. There's no way in hell I'd put up with that shit.

Just like some of my other friends find OH too immature or messy and they would never have a relationship with him.

Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 17:33

@thepeopleversuswork I suspect it's boredom! I'm working from home at the moment, while DH is working normal hours out and about so I have lots of time to ponder and wonder what other people would think it certain scenarios, often just something we've had differing opinions on and I'm interested what other people think.

@TooOldforBouncyCastles Mine have very much been a replacement for the office chatter I miss working from home.

Good on all of you though for helping people to see if they're in abusive relationships. I agree with a PP who pointed out it's better I feel a bit offended on DH's account but, knowing I'm not in an abusive relationship don't ltb as some (no doubt well meaning) randomer on the internet suggested, than some woman stuck in an abusive relationship doesn't have it pointed out to her so she can escape.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 17:35

@Givemeabreak88

Turning on a light is now considered abuse 😕
As a one off no. But if it's one thing in a line off many other things where your boundaries and needs are being trampled on and disrespected, then yes definitely. There's a reason the most frequent question on relationship posts are "does he have form for this?". Sadly a lot of the time the answer is yes.
Leannethom85 · 14/12/2020 17:35

@Givemeabreak88

Turning on a light is now considered abuse 😕
Lol mines turns light on getting ready for work then goes away and leaves it on... While I'm under the covers shaking with absolute rage at the injustice of it, I don't do that to him but to be fair he gives me a lift to work so he gets up anyway.. Give and take in all relationships
Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 17:40

I’m still struggling to see how it’s abuse even if it was repetitive, if the light is off in my bedroom and I needed to look for something I would turn the light on if I wanted, it’s mildly annoying but abuse... Hmm

lazylinguist · 14/12/2020 17:41

There are those who think that many MNers are far too trigger-happy with the LTBs and accusations of abuse or uselessness in husbands/partners. I totally disagree. If MN has taught me anything, it's that an astonishing amount of women put up with shit men.

Maybe the complaints you've posted about your dh really are trivial and you've been unlucky to get gung-ho responses. Impossible to say unless you tell us what the complaints were. But my money is on them not being so trivial, or at least on them collectively adding up to what many of us would consider an unsatisfactory relationship.

TheWichitaWineOne · 14/12/2020 17:41

It depends on the flow of the thread on MN. You could post something completely innocuous about shoes or something, happen to mention that you made your DH dinner, and then NO-ONE talks about the shoes because 'why didn't your DH make YOU dinner?' 'How long have you've been his slave for OP?' 'LTB then worry about your fucking shoes' etc.

I've seen 'ducks in a row time, OP' on a thread about tea bags. People mean well though, in the main, and it occasionally does lead to someone being helped in unexpected ways.

GuiEtVin · 14/12/2020 17:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

goopsoup · 14/12/2020 17:49

@GuiEtVin can you link the thread? I suspect there's more to it.

MrsMiaWallis · 14/12/2020 17:49

I've seen 'ducks in a row time, OP' on a thread about tea bags
😅😅😅

MrsMiaWallis · 14/12/2020 17:49

[quote goopsoup]@GuiEtVin can you link the thread? I suspect there's more to it.[/quote]
Classic

GuiEtVin · 14/12/2020 17:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

GuiEtVin · 14/12/2020 17:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

MrsMiaWallis · 14/12/2020 17:54

Yes there are loads of mindreaders on MN as well

You said x, therefore you are clearly the kind of person who thinks y

goopsoup · 14/12/2020 17:54

That's fine, but I would take your summary with a pinch of salt then. I do find the posters who are convinced someone has posted before because the story is vaguely similar a bit annoying.

MrsMiaWallis · 14/12/2020 17:55

That's fine, but I would take your summary with a pinch of salt then
Why??!

tabulahrasa · 14/12/2020 17:56

@Givemeabreak88

I’m still struggling to see how it’s abuse even if it was repetitive, if the light is off in my bedroom and I needed to look for something I would turn the light on if I wanted, it’s mildly annoying but abuse... Hmm
Depends doesn’t it...

Turning a light on once because you need to look for something and going, sorry, need to turn the light on, mildly annoying.

Turning it on every morning because you want it on even though the other person doesn’t need to get up yet, pretty shitty selfish behaviour.

Turning it on at 2 am regularly to wake someone up on purpose, could well be part of a pattern of abuse.

Things can either be fairly trivial or a big deal in different contexts.

goopsoup · 14/12/2020 17:56

Because I've seen it many times, a poster claims they were subjected to lots of abuse on a thread, and then you go and read the thread and it's so benign.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 14/12/2020 18:00

When I posted about something (truly awful) my former partner had done I didnt see it as awful myself but, on one level, I knew that actually it was. I was in a lot of denial. When the respone was universal horror (and with the benefit of hindsight it was completely justified) it gave me "permission" in an odd way to name what he had done for what it was. Really that was why I was posting on mumsnet. If I had been having a casual moan about a relationship I knew deep down was solid then the negative responses would not have been the lightbulb moment they were. I also dont thinkt he responses would have been so identical to each other. So I dont think that mumsnet is likely to turn otherwise happy women against their hisbands. It sounds like deep down you knew you were just having a moan when you posted what you did. If you had a strong reaction - )either recognition, or a visceral feeling of shock and denial), to what other posters were saying that would have told you more about how problematic your relationship is than what the actual posters were saying if that makes sense. As it is it sounds like you were able to shrug and get your irritation of your chest and carry on.

MitziK · 14/12/2020 18:01

@Givemeabreak88

Turning on a light is now considered abuse 😕
Well, yes, it is.

When he was doing it at 3am because

a) he knew it would wake me up and thought it was funny that I was having to work, sort kids and do every thing on about 1.5hrs + 2 hrs sleep.

b) he thought that being able to make me nauseous, unable to stand up from dizziness and wide awake for another 3 hours afterwards whilst he slept soundly was hilarious.

c) It made it clear that I didn't even have the right to sleep soundly. He controlled it. His wish to have the lights on at 3am whilst he took his socks off vastly outweighed my wish to sleep.

  • yes, it was abuse.
yetanothernamitynamechange · 14/12/2020 18:04

Additionally, posters can only go of what a poster has said + their own past experiences. This can be very useful in getting perspective. But at the same time if I post a woe filled story about how my partner and I had an arguement at the petrol station and he left me to walk home by myself IN THE DARK, posters would rightly condemn him. Of course if I left out the fact that the petrol station was 2 minutes from our house, and it was only 5.30 pm, and I had insisted the DP leave me and let me walk home to cool of and when I got home he had made us both a cup of tea and we talked through our problems like adults, then the advice I received would not be that helpful.

Noranorav · 14/12/2020 18:05

Depends what you're posting doesn't it? So many posts on here where (made up example) OP will come on to ask if say, she's being lazy and how can she improve, and it will turn out there's a 'd'h doing absolutely cock all, and this will be pointed out when clearly this wasn't expected by her as not the point of the post.
One of favourite recent threads was where the OP looked after a baby all the time, husband appeared to possibly be hiding in his work - very long hours all the time. Someone came on to say the poster was being unreasonable, and to explain how she worked full time, as well as the husband but did all the home work, shopping, everything - because he was way more important and needed the gym and stuff He would join them for a film on a Friday night though and this was good as it meant they would stay together forever unlike all those other divorces as a result of unreasonable wives who, you know, want their husbands to come home or pull their weight. Brilliant. Quite a few people pointed out that wasn't a marriage model to follow!

Swipe left for the next trending thread