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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
yetanothernamitynamechange · 14/12/2020 18:07

@MitziK agreed, sleep deprivation is extemely abusive, and actually one of the worst forms of torture when done repeatedly. There is a difference between someone not thinking and bumbling into the room and turning the light on once and someone "accidentally" doing it repeatedly to punish their partner for a perceived slight. The problem is, inside a relationship an abusive person can easily claim they were just doing the former. That is why mumsnet is so helpful at suggesting patterns to posters, giving them space to work through what happens. I doubt very much someone who had been accidentally woken up by their lovely partner would actually need to ask if it was abusive.

1forAll74 · 14/12/2020 18:26

Live your own life, it is not necessary to talk about any trite Husband problems etc. You may get some good advice on more important,or more serious issues on here though.

immortalstone · 14/12/2020 18:27

I’m still struggling to see how it’s abuse even if it was repetitive, if the light is off in my bedroom and I needed to look for something I would turn the light on if I wanted, it’s mildly annoying but abuse..

But surely if you habitually go to bed after your OP or get up before your OP you would get all the things you need ready in advance and in a different room so you don't need to turn the bedroom light on to look for them. That's what I do.

That's just basic consideration. To be able to have a functional relationship you have to be able to hold them in mind long enough to accommodate their needs as well as your own. It might not be deliberate abuse, but who really wants to be in a relationship with someone who can't think about them enough to show them such basic consideration?

Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 18:30

I’m amazed people on here manage to have relationships when pretty much everything is considered abusive

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 18:34

@Givemeabreak88

I’m amazed people on here manage to have relationships when pretty much everything is considered abusive
Yeah, I think that sometimes, the amount of ltb I see is quite astonishing, everything is a red flag and women are urged to leave their partners over the slightest thing, it’s quite shocking. Some posters don’t rest either, they project it to be much worse and keep going at the op trying to get her to leave her partner.
eaglejulesk · 14/12/2020 18:39

I wouldn't worry too much - it seems some people on MN have a very low opinion of men and hate most of them! If you pretended your DH was female you would get a completely different response.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 18:43

@Givemeabreak88

I’m amazed people on here manage to have relationships when pretty much everything is considered abusive
Magic.
PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 18:48

@Givemeabreak88

I’m amazed people on here manage to have relationships when pretty much everything is considered abusive
And yet, so many posters in genuinely abusive relationships insist that they've completely misrepresented the guy and he's so wonderful really.

Women don't generally leave abusive relationships. We don't need to worry about them leaving happy and healthy relationships because of Mumsnet.

GabsAlot · 14/12/2020 19:01

im not getting your point

if you dont think theres anything wrong why post about him

Lelophants · 14/12/2020 19:03

I'll be honest, a lot of the men on here are pretty shocking! It's made me realise how lucky I am wirh dh.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/12/2020 19:06

This is the most nonsensical post I've ever read on MN.

So you don't have many complaints about him, but you're complaining that when you DO have complaints about him, and complain about him on here, that you then disagree with people who agree with you?

Get a life.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 19:10

I have to agree green

My inner nan is itching to break free.

JohnMcClane · 14/12/2020 19:25

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

This is the most nonsensical post I've ever read on MN.

So you don't have many complaints about him, but you're complaining that when you DO have complaints about him, and complain about him on here, that you then disagree with people who agree with you?

Get a life.

Thank you for making sense of the nonsense for me GreenFingers Grin
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 19:27

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

I have to agree green

My inner nan is itching to break free.

Let her goooo, let her gooo Grin
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 19:35

Are you singing that to the the frozen tune accidentally ? Grin

I’ll not lie. I’m tempted to let her make merry Grin

ThirstyGhost · 14/12/2020 19:41

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

I have to agree green

My inner nan is itching to break free.

Inner nan.... I N N E R N A N!.....

set her free......

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2020 19:46

To the posters saying it's OTT to suggest abuse, would you seriously rather an abused poster doesn't get highlighted to the fact that she's being gaslighted; than a incorrectly ott response on A lighthearted thread?
I'd far rather 'save' the abused woman (and there has been many women who've realised they're being abused only through the support of mn), and have an unabused woman get a little bit offended on their dhs behalf.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 19:49

Exactly, all this hand wringing. As if anyone (woman or man) in a respectful,loving,decent relationship would break up just on the say so of MNetters on a thread whinging about tea bags... or whatever.

Everything's great and I'm just having a whinge... but if MN say so off to divorce I go! Hmm

MrsGrindah · 14/12/2020 19:55

I once posted in response to someone complaining that her boyfriend was reluctant to start a family that he had the right to control when he became a father too. The next poster disagreed with me and suggested I do the Freedom Programme! It always baffles me when I think about it now and it was years ago!

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 19:56

Worraloadofoldshittttttt
Mydhisacahntandhehasdonethisandthatcahntydoyouthinkhehasbeenacahntbutnowicantunderstandwhyyouallthinkheisacahntandaretellingmetoltbwhenheislovelyandkindandyoudontknowwhimsoyouarewrongandarejudginghimsolelybecauseisaidhewasacahntbeforewhenhewasntreallyandyoualldontknowreallybecauseyoucantseewhatisaidbeforesotherekindofoldshit.

Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 19:59

I would far prefer it if posters stopped insisting every man is abusive Hmm

Sceptre86 · 14/12/2020 19:59

I can't comment about your particular dh. So many posters go on about how they are left to do everything but the dh or oh goes out to work and is a 'good' dad. They will quite often moan about how feckless he is but when other people suggest ltb get all defensive. I personally don't understand why anyone would put up with such feckless, useless behaviour and much less have kids with such men but people do and have very low standards.

Not sure this applies to your situation though.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 20:00

And I would like to say I would have been like mrsterrypratchett and left sooner with the wisdom of MN behind me.

And the women here have valuable opinions and have helped so many. Flowers

I just don’t get this one.

dewisant2020 · 14/12/2020 20:01

I get the impression that most people on MN are anti men, I find it hilarious what advice people give on here, I'm pretty confident they wouldn't follow their own advice in real life

MushMonster · 14/12/2020 20:02

Many types is what you write that gives a vibe of it is just a silly particular thing, or it is deeply rooted drama.
I suppose if you are annoyed or upset, your style writing about the issue is much more critical of him that in your first post.
My take, from your first post is that you are happy with him, so anything you may moan about him, I would take lighthearted.
You do need a hard hat around here. Never forget that.