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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 15:34

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive.

So you have spoken about him in such a way as to brand him as pathetic or manipulative and abusive and wonder why some have agreed?

Am I missing something as well as all your other posts ?

Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:34

I name change quite a lot because I don't want to be outed so I don't really want to link all my posts together. I would consider his wrongdoings to be on a similar level to spoonfuckery which I know is a problem that has been aired on mumsnet.

I once wrapped a Christmas present for him which was met with shock by mumsnet

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2020 15:39

Jolly convenient that you can't link threads.

This thread is basically 'MN hates lovely men, with no evidence'.

My experience of pretty much all threads is some apologists for idiots, some hardline LTB, the truth is somewhere in the middle. In your case it sounds like even the middle doesn't rate him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/12/2020 15:41

I think no one is going to be able to answer without knowing what you've posted about. But I don't really understand if there are no issues why you're posting about him. My husband does his share of house stuff, shares finances and child care and everything equally, I think we have a decent marriage...and I'd never dream of starting a post asking about him or his behaviour. I'd just talk to him and we would figure it out if there was an issue.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 15:41

Very odd thread.

Stop posting about your husband then?

Sparklingbrook · 14/12/2020 15:42

I don't know what this thread is for. Mumsnet (everybody on here presumably?) hates your husband. You post about him a lot but namechange a lot so nobody can see what you have posted or decide whether YABU. Confused

ImpatientlyImpatient · 14/12/2020 15:42

I get what you mean. I’m one for catastrophising and blowing things out of proportion when I’m angry or upset so can say things that I don’t mean or I've exaggerated a bit, in amongst my rage. Once I’ve calmed down or talked to a real life person, I can normally see that I’ve been a bit harsh or unfair to DP.

But I’ve posted twice on here about recent arguments, one thread everyone said DP was basically the devil, terrible, lazy, abusive etc etc and I should LTB. The other thread apparently I was the abusive one so I’ve realised that you can’t really ask strangers for advice or think of them as a place to vent your unfair feelings after an argument, especially not on MN. There really are posters who LTB for the slightest thing when they’re probably taking all sorts of shit from their own partner and wouldn’t dream of leaving them.

Pinch of salt is the key 🤷🏽‍♀️

Nore · 14/12/2020 15:44

@BesottedTurnip

I name change quite a lot because I don't want to be outed so I don't really want to link all my posts together. I would consider his wrongdoings to be on a similar level to spoonfuckery which I know is a problem that has been aired on mumsnet.

I once wrapped a Christmas present for him which was met with shock by mumsnet

Yes, but the fact that you consider something to be the case need not necessarily bear any relationship to reality. There are threads on here every day with women saying 'He's such a good dad', before detailing their husband's gaming addiction/drinking/complete lack of engagement with the children/ absence from the house between 7 am and 7 pm daily, plus golf/cycling/mountaineering at the weekend.

See also 'He's lovely!' when the thread is about his insistence on a sex act the OP has repeatedly told him she doesn't like, his refusal to pay child support for children from a previous relationship, or assuming his wife is going to do all the actual looking after said children when they visit, because it's 'women's work, innit?'

Some people have such cripplingly poor self-esteem and/or worryingly low standards. If you are regularly posting about your DH on here and people are repeatedly pointing out that he's awful, I'd be reconsidering my idea of 'lovely'.

Sparklingbrook · 14/12/2020 15:44

I once wrapped a Christmas present for him which was met with shock by mumsnet

A present for him or a present he was giving? The former then I don't see any shock, the latter would most likely be met with 'can't he wrap presents himself'? But either way-storm in a teacup territory.

Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:45

Points taken! I suspect I focus more on the negative replies because I feel kind of guilty I've given off that idea about DH, there are often lots of constructive and helpful replies too which I guess is why I post at all. We've been newly married in lockdown so sometimes I've been looking for an outside perspective / advice from people with more experience on issues that they might have successfully negotiated.

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 14/12/2020 15:45

I think you are just being goady!

How can anyone comment, when they have no idea what you are talking about?

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2020 15:46

What is the point of this thread, if you're not going to share what you've said about him, OP?

In answer to your question, no, MN has never told me my DH is horrible, pathetic, manipulative or abusive. No one has ever offered me flowers because of what I've written about him.

So it's either you misrepresenting him, or him being an arse, I guess?

Sparklingbrook · 14/12/2020 15:46

I would just stop posting about him TBH if it makes you feel guilty.

17days · 14/12/2020 15:46

LTB

Thatwentbadly · 14/12/2020 15:47

The vast majority people in abusive relationships don’t see that they are. If your relationship is so good why do you need to keep posting about it on MN?

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/12/2020 15:48

I think we need examples. I'd wrap presents for my dp as I enjoy it. But it would be in exchange for a household task. Such as I wrap and he cooks and cleans up. Tbh he does tha most of the time anyway but you get the idea.

HitthatroadJack · 14/12/2020 15:49

It's MN. Some posters insist that if you spend more than £50 on your wedding it is bound to crash quickly, some posters have convinced themselves that men are evil bastards who cannot do anything but have contempt at best, hatred at worst towards women.

Some posters are just weird, or have very painful issues.

It's easier for them to accuse you of lying, or being the brain dead slave of the patriarchy. I wouldn't take anything personally, who cares if they hate your DH. On an anonymous forum, it says more about them than about you!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2020 15:49

@BesottedTurnip

Points taken! I suspect I focus more on the negative replies because I feel kind of guilty I've given off that idea about DH, there are often lots of constructive and helpful replies too which I guess is why I post at all. We've been newly married in lockdown so sometimes I've been looking for an outside perspective / advice from people with more experience on issues that they might have successfully negotiated.
Well then ignore the outliers and just take the advice from the middle.
arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2020 15:49

I think the exact opposite to you op. I am constantly (daily) horrified by what women accept on mn as acceptable behaviour.

anormalperson · 14/12/2020 15:50

I get what you're saying Op. I posted about my DH once and never again, something about the heating but there were suggestions of LTB . Then I felt really guilty cos it was just a stupid disagreement we were having. Lesson learned , shall not post about him again unless in actual dire need of advice

CorianderBlues · 14/12/2020 15:50

He's cheating on you. You're blind to it.

Grin
Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:50

Sorry all. I have recently posted a thread which has had a lot of it helpful and constructive advice, but also a few what I felt were uncalled for comments about DH which bothered me. I wasn't trying to be goady or annoying, I suppose I was seeking reassurance that other people had had a similar experience like @ImpatientlyImpatient seems to have done.

In future I will either not post about DH or do so with my hard hat on and try to keep the responses in perspective!

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 15:50

Well, if you're not going to tell us what sparked all the negative responses then I guess we can't enlighten you. But people who are happy don't tend to need to post about their marital issues on here to find out if they're normal. And 99% of the time, when a woman posts about a complete arsebucket of a man and is told he's an arsebucket, he suddenly becomes husband of the year and so wonderful and she's misled us and he's just a prince.

I mean, I've no idea if this applies to you because I don't have enough information, but it's not uncommon, that's all I'm saying.

SonjaMorgan · 14/12/2020 15:53

Lots of women in awful and violent relationships minimise their partners behaviour. If you are posting about trivial issues some poster will assume you have deeper issues.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2020 15:54

Honestly, OP - MN is just a collection of random individuals all posting informed by their own life circumstances and perspectives. Take what you need, ignore what you don't. Just because a few people you don't know and who have never met your DH say something "uncalled for" does not mean it's Gospel Truth.