Mumsnet hates DH!

[BesottedTurnip]

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

Worraloadofoldshittttttt Mydhisacahntandhehasdonethisandthatcahntydoyouthinkhehasbeenacahntbutnowicantunderstandwhyyouallthinkheisacahntandaretellingmetoltbwhenheislovelyandkindandyoudontknowwhimsoyouarewrongandarejudginghimsolelybecauseisaidhewasacahntbeforewhenhewasntreallyandyoualldontknowreallybecauseyoucantseewhatisaidbeforesotherekindofoldshit.

Did your Dh steal the space button? LTB!!

Inner nan doesn’t stop long enough to press the space bar once she starts on one

She’s sleeping now (now channelling my inner DrQuinn medicine woman)

On the man-hating point. It's curious but a LOT of the posters who are fond of the LTB button are actually in happy relationships with men, myself included. Nice dad, great brother, lovely hot husband. Good male friends for decades, fab male colleagues.

It's almost like we understand that men can be considerate, respectful and kind.

The women on here who always justify the abusive men often seem to be married to fucknuggets or are single.

I like men. I hate arseholes, many of whom are male and married to MNers.

Threads turn really unexpectedly on here sometimes! I think it can be hard to get the full picture even when you try to include the salient points yet try to avoid an essay...and then people fill in the gaps with assumptions!

The strangest one for me was when I posted about the difficulties I was having with my ex-DH coming over to my house to see our DC. I was made out to be the evil ex-wife who had chucked poor ex-DH out and unfairly kept the family home making him homeless and now I expected him to 'walk the streets' in the cold and rain with our DC!! In fact he wasn't homeless - he just didn't have his own place. But through his own choice he lived with his mum permanently and had done for a few years. My house was not 'the family home' but one I had bought myself after we split. And I had no expectation of them 'walking the streets' as there were plenty of places he could take them (and it wasn't cold or rainy in the SE)! The strangest thing was that posters decided ex-DH was the victim despite me giving no information about the circumstances of us seperating. In fact it was because of DV and if I'd posted about that I'd have been told to LTB!

Another strange one was when I posted in the heat of the moment about a disagreement I'd had with my DBF about him going to see his DS rather than spending the afternoon with me as we would not see each other again for a little while for completely legitimate (if complicated) reasons. I was told that as I couldn't be bothered to see him he knew I wasn't serious so why shouldn't he spend the afternoon with someone who really cared about him! In fact it was nothing to do with me 'being bothered' - there was just some complicated Children's services stuff going on. And it was because we knew we were serious that we were able to maintain our relationship throughout that difficult time. He also actually was not very close to his family either so the assumptions were all completely untrue. But again there was something I found so contradictory - I always read on here about putting DC first when you split from their other parent rather than a new relationship. About being in a settled long term relationship before introducing the DC to the new partner and even the suggestion you should wait til the DC are grown-up before having another relationship is not uncommon. But I was told my DBF should be spending time with my DC and they should not come first. That DBF also knew I was not serious about him because I was following instructions about the DC from their SW! If I'd posted that my DBF was putting pressure on me to see my DC against their SW's wishes - I'm pretty sure it would be LTB again!

Things can either be fairly trivial or a big deal in different contexts.

Exactly. It's all about context.

I'm always amazed that people can be so dense tbh. Surely everyone knows that bullying/ harassment etc., doesn't have to be a great big thing, it can be a series of small, irritating things which by themselves are not a big deal, but with all the other small, irritating things, result in the victim of bullying feeling really unbearably unhappy and altogether add up to. Why should it be different for any other type of behaviour?

Sorry should say altogether add up to abusive/ bullying/ harassing behaviour.

The key is "altogether" or "overall". That is why people are always asked "is this a one-off", "is he always like this?"

This is MN, sometimes posters are utterly bonkers. Just the other week I got told to consult a solicitor because my DS’s teacher had sat him next to a disruptive kid because she thought he’d be a good example.

On the other hand there are far more posters who post about their DP/Hs demonstrating the most shocking behaviours towards them and they just can’t see that it’s abuse. A while ago there was a poster whose H had tried to strangle her twice and she was insisting it was only fair to give him a third chance..

Like a PP has said earlier in the thread, there are a few women who will see abuse in a misplaced teaspoon, but a ton of women who won’t see abuse in a black eye.

As for the OP, either they’re having a wind up to get a load of MNers are hysterical harridans who hate all men responses, or else she’s in the desperate throws of denial that the husband she thought was perfect is in fact a total bastard, because I can’t see someone who is genuinely happy and content in a healthy stable relationship being bothered about a few MN crackpots telling her to LTB because her H forgot to put the recycling out. If it’s the latter OP then I hope you wake up soon.

As someone who has been in abusive relationships I feel I have to have really high standards and also overreact to what some women might consider minor issues. I don’t EVER want to be in that situation again and if that means I right someone off to early or don’t give them the benefit of the doubt I’m fine with that.
I think as well that abusive behaviour starts with such tiny tiny tiny things (that’s how they get away with it, it’s the boiling frog thing) that once you have gone through it you have to be hyper vigilant and small bad behaviours can sometimes trigger a larger response.

Some people think MNers are too hot on telling women to LTB. Others think many women have shockingly low standards for male behaviour. I'm in the latter camp.

I don’t recognise what the op is saying at all.

So, so many threads where an op posts “AIBU or is my DH” and a situation of financial, emotional or sexual abuse emerges.

I’ve occasionally seen a trigger happy LTB but it’s rare. Maybe your standards are too low op.

If your marriage is such a delight. And your husband so wonderful, why post on here in the first place
People on here are extremely ott. But at the same time some women on here have such shit husbands that i just want to yell ltb too 😂

Also this happens:
OP "my husband does this thing* I really really hate. I have begged him not to do it, and told him how it feels but he insists that it is his right to do the thing and he will carry on doing the thing. One time I kicked him out after he did the thing and he promised to change but he kept doing the thing. Please, how do I stop him doing the thing."

The only answer to that is LTB or live with it in that case, which is often the other posters advice.

• The thing could be giving money to women on Only Fans, watching TV with the volume turned up at 4 in the morning, taking a big dump on the living room carpet every Tuesday, visiting prostitutes, not doing the washing up. The point is if it is annoying the OP that much and its clear he isnt going to change there isnt much other advise to give than LTB

I’m amazed people on here manage to have relationships when pretty much everything is considered abusive

I'm amazed so many people think that being in a relationship with an arsehole is better than being single. 'Not abusive' is a pretty fucking low bar to set. If a partner doesn't genuinely enhance your life, what is the point of being with them?

@Regularsizedrudy

As someone who has been in abusive relationships I feel I have to have really high standards and also overreact to what some women might consider minor issues. I don’t EVER want to be in that situation again and if that means I right someone off to early or don’t give them the benefit of the doubt I’m fine with that. I think as well that abusive behaviour starts with such tiny tiny tiny things (that’s how they get away with it, it’s the boiling frog thing) that once you have gone through it you have to be hyper vigilant and small bad behaviours can sometimes trigger a larger response.

I'm exactly the same. I've been told I've been OTT when I could see the signs of abuse in threads and that my experience was 'niche'.

Unfortunately it's not and abuse is still talked about enough.
If the OP is so happy with her DP that's really great to hear but why post such a thread anyway? What's the point?

*not talked about enough

I'm always amazed that people can be so dense tbh. Surely everyone knows that bullying/ harassment etc., doesn't have to be a great big thing, it can be a series of small, irritating things which by themselves are not a big deal, but with all the other small, irritating things, result in the victim of bullying feeling really unbearably unhappy and altogether add up to. Why should it be different for any other type of behaviour?

Yes. And things don't have to be illegally abusive to make someone feel utterly psychologically destroyed. Another MN put it well - being in a bad relationship slowly erodes you, like water over a stone.

I want to be a member of the secret page where we all get together and congratulate each other whenever we have persuaded some poor cow a downtrodden, strong woman victim to leave her husband, having convinced her he's cheating because he bought a bottle of brown sauce instead of ketchup.

@CorianderBlues

I want to be a member of the secret page where we all get together and congratulate each other whenever we have persuaded some poor cow a downtrodden, strong woman victim to leave her husband, having convinced her he's cheating because he bought a bottle of brown sauce instead of ketchup.

Psst. Over here. The eagle flies at midnight.

I think that is spot on @lazylinguist
Far too many young women/people think that success is a long term relationship, and failure is single. We're conditioned to think we must find someone. It's the first question a thirty yr old singleton gets asked. People wonder why. Maybe it's because it's a lot nicer to be single than to be with someone who irritates you, and many posters have discovered this through experience.

@immortalstone Yes! And also, "its not illegal" shouldnt be the bar for decent behaviour in a relationship!

I just don't understand the mindset of people who think a man has to qualify as actually abusive before it's ok to leave him. There are many many very valid reasons for leaving a partner.

There are many cases where it is obvious that the behaviour is unacceptable and LTB is a justifiable response. There are others where people are overreacting and the situation can be resolved without ending the realtionship. Then there are others where the natural biases of women to favour other women come out and behaviours that are sometimes even encouraged in women (hiding money from your spouse) are judged as relationship ending events if men do them.

It's a total mumsnet thing.

It's almost always LTB or he's financially controlling, emotionally abusive, cheating, having an affair, selfish manchild, sex pests etc etc

In my friendship group of about 8 women there are 2 who (as far as I can work out) are MN perfect and the other 6 would fall into the above comment categories.

In real life they are just very normal and LTB would never come up in a face to face conversation about their issues.

If we all followed mumsnet standards then there would be no marriages.

Sorry of their 8 husbands 2 are MN perfect

In real life they are just very normal and LTB would never come up in a face to face conversation about their issues.

I haven't told SIL to leave her DH. I would be bloody delighted if she did. I would also be delighted if MN told her to.