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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
Nore · 14/12/2020 16:48

@museumum

I once posted about my dh waking me up when he came to bed (later than me) by putting a light on. I was told this MUST be the tip of the iceberg and he was abusive and I was just so worn down by his behaviour I no longer knew to expect better and I should LTB. Sigh.
In fairness, why would anyone turn on a light unnecessarily and disturb a sleeping person? It sounds either mildly selfish or clueless not to realise that waking up someone who's already asleep is (a) not nice and (b) perfectly avoidable.
DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 14/12/2020 16:49

Almost every OP who starts a thread about an absolutely horrific DP/DH also says 'He's lovely really! / he's a good husband / he's a great father' etc

Googlebrained · 14/12/2020 16:50

@Seafog

No one has said it about my dh personally, but there have been posts that make me think MN would not like him. Hmm He asked my dad for his permission to marry me, I have taken his last name, I put his career ahead of mine (trailing spouse), he works away up to 6 months at a time, etc I like him just thought, so I don't post much about him.
I don't think most people would worry about your marriage or not like your husband for the reasons you've given on their own.

If he was critical about you, controlling, financially abusive as well as you being a trailing spouse, people might put those things together and say you've made yourself a bit vulnerable. But you seem happy, and there aren't a series of negative aspects to your marriage to provoke concern.

I think people tend to be forceful if they think the OP is sleepwalking a bit within an abusive relationship, just to get her to see it. Often women don't see they're in an abusive relationship. Quite honestly though the most forceful people on here, who just don't tend to let things go, are those people who want to tell the OP not to be concerned when others have raised some concerns. Not sure what that's about.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:50

To be honest, while there are some posters who will see abuse in a wrongly placed teaspoon, there appear to be a fuckload more women who DON'T see abuse in a black eye.

Few enough women leave relationships that really are abusive. I don't think we need to worry about legions of them leaving healthy, happy ones because MN got the wrong end of the stick.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2020 16:52

Op without any examples then how are we supposed to tell if he's a misunderstood wonderful man or just another knobhead on the relationship board? I know which option I would put money on though

IseeIsee · 14/12/2020 16:53

it completely depends on what you posted. When you seek advise you say DH did x, y and z. They may be bog standard for you and you are looking for advice but if they are, for example, he called me a bitch or he didn't speak to me for ten days then posters would say he was horrible but I have friends where their husband calls them the B word and they think its grand or they "get in a mood" and they also think all men do that. If you are not going to give examples then no-one can really say if you are unreasonable or not.

NoddyWithAVoddy · 14/12/2020 16:55

The thing is, is that we only have one side of the story to form a view on most of the time.
So for example if you posted something like....
I'm sick of my DH coming home from work and falling asleep on the sofa after eating his meal while I'm bathing the kids and making their packed lunches.
Then yes, understandably other posters will think badly of your husband.
However, if you posted.....
I'm sick of my DH coming home from work and falling asleep on the sofa while I'm bathing the kids and making their packed lunches. He gets up for work at 04.00 and gets home again at 18.00, once he's made tea and helped the kids with their homework and then helped to tidy up. I'm a SAHM but I feel he should help more.
That will obviously be met with a completely different response. Well, in most cases anyway.

If you don't want your DH to be criticised op, then don't post about him.

MrsHugsxx · 14/12/2020 16:59

The minor disagreements must bother you though if you've started a few threads about him. What do you hope to get from it?

ScreamingBeans · 14/12/2020 16:59

I'm not going to apologise for this: I take the view that a woman is nearly always better off on her own unless her DP significantly enhances her life ...

Yep, me too.

Most women don't post about trivial rows unless they make it clear it's trivial. People don't post with a problem if they haven't got a problem - usually. And most women living with domestic abuse don't realise they're doing so. Outside of MN, they're probably not telling their friends that certain things are going on, so they're only ever getting feedback that their OH is normal and nice.

So it's actually quiet important that that voice is here, reminding women that no, this is not acceptable. It's why men's rights activists hate this place. Women telling other women that the behaviour of the man they live with is dreadful, is not something some men feel comfortable about.

And yeah I tend to agree with whoever said that it's unlikely a happily married woman will up and LTB on the say so of a bunch of internet women. Women aren't daft.

Leannethom85 · 14/12/2020 17:00

I never post about my partner on here, because if had argument the words typed would be in anger online and he wouldn't know and not be able to defend himself from the onslaught of angry mothers on my behalf lol...

maddiemookins16mum · 14/12/2020 17:01

You have to remember that a lot of MNetters hate all men. Some for the most minor crime.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 17:02

Maybe have a think about how you come across when you post about him. How balanced are your posts? How cross are you when you post?

I've been posting on MN for years and no one told me (yet) that OH is abusive,manipulative or to LTB.

I've had a few "yeah he's a twat" , but that was after I called him that first.Grin And he was being a twat.

I'm aware though that if I want to I can make him sound like a complete arsehole or a total saint depending what I chose to say and how to say it.

He's neither, just average with brilliant moments and arsehole moments. Just like me.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2020 17:03

@maddiemookins16mum
Do you ever wonder why some mumsnetters hate all men?

MitziK · 14/12/2020 17:03

@museumum

I once posted about my dh waking me up when he came to bed (later than me) by putting a light on. I was told this MUST be the tip of the iceberg and he was abusive and I was just so worn down by his behaviour I no longer knew to expect better and I should LTB. Sigh.
Thing is, I, along with a proportion of the women on here, experienced that as a deliberate act of abuse.
Leannethom85 · 14/12/2020 17:03

@maddiemookins16mum

You have to remember that a lot of MNetters hate all men. Some for the most minor crime.
That would be shame on them for venting anger at a stranger they are only getting 1 half of a story though... The only time I'd vent is if guy was a woman beater, useless father who doesn't contribute to his child or sex offenders.. Anything is would be squabbles between wife and partner and 2 sides to all stories in those cases..
Nore · 14/12/2020 17:03

@maddiemookins16mum

You have to remember that a lot of MNetters hate all men. Some for the most minor crime.
Yes, and we all live in an extremely large lesbian commune, and have no contact whatsoever with men apart from intermittently stealing their sperm for reproductive reasons. Hmm
FOJN · 14/12/2020 17:03

If you have no concerns about your relationship why are you posting on MN to try to work out which one of you is BU. I don't think I'd ask for the opinion of strangers about minor disagreements so I assume the minor issue is part of a bigger picture when I see posts of that nature.

I think most of us have the capacity to be very unreasonable on occasion (tired, stressed,
hungry etc) and accept that our nearest and dearest do too but we usually resolve things with an apology rather than an internet survey!

goopsoup · 14/12/2020 17:05

Impossible to say unless you copy and paste some posts you've made about him.

immortalstone · 14/12/2020 17:06

Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

Yeah, but it turns out that they were right and I really should have LTB.
They could see what I wasn't.

Sparklingbrook · 14/12/2020 17:06

@maddiemookins16mum

You have to remember that a lot of MNetters hate all men. Some for the most minor crime.
Do they though really? I must hang out in the wrong Topics.
TooOldforBouncyCastles · 14/12/2020 17:09

Some people use MN posts as a throwaway conversation like moaning to their colleague. They are not really bothered by their husband/partners behaviour and then surprised by the very serious LTB/this is abuse responses.

For some they have a niggling sense that life shouldn’t be like this but their self esteem and judgement has been eroded by abusive behaviour and outside anonymous advice shines a badly needed lightbulb.

I think having perspective is the point here.

I was in an abusive marriage and am now in a really happy marriage. When I expressed my fears about getting married to current Mr TooOld I was advised to LTB, he was abusive, possibly even a child abuser, red flags+++, financial abuse, cocklodger...you name it. Often the responses were conflated from someone else’s posts and not based on any fact I’d given. It was quite staggering. It did give me some perspective and realise I was worrying needlessly as it was so far from the reality. I married him and we have been really happy.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/12/2020 17:12

Oh and MN can't hate your DH. They don't know him.

However they can hate some of his behaviours, words,attitude etc and they can only know them from you.

immortalstone · 14/12/2020 17:13

I once posted about my dh waking me up when he came to bed (later than me) by putting a light on. I was told this MUST be the tip of the iceberg and he was abusive and I was just so worn down by his behaviour I no longer knew to expect better and I should LTB

To be honest I would consider this grounds for divorce. Grin

Quartz2208 · 14/12/2020 17:15

Yes mumsnet have never met your DH (at least one assumes the vast majority havent) and only know two things

  1. that whatever it is it has bothered you enough to post it on here
  2. what you post about it

So why is he coming across as you say it as

At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive.

Are you describing the events truthfully and without bias and what exactly were you hoping to achieve from posting about it in the first place

category12 · 14/12/2020 17:18

I wouldn't say our relationship is perfect but I think it falls within the norms based on what I know of my friends relationships with their DHs.
Maybe your friends have rotten relationships and support you in yours because it feels normal to them?