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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
Derbee · 14/12/2020 16:15

What a pointless thread Confused

My DP actually IS an “absolute delight” so I don’t post on mumsnet about disagreements, or need to name change because I make him sound like a wanker.

HTH

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:16

@wimhoffbreather

Are you one of those posters who describes her total arse of a husband, then starts defending him as man/husband of the year the moment a couple of posters give comments you don’t like?

Almost as predictable as the ltb commenters tbh

It's entirely possible, but the following disingenuous post about "ooh, I didn't even know MN would string a man up for THAT", with no apparent understanding that it really does depend on why the poster is mentioning it, is suggesting a liking for the idea of being misunderstood. Could be both, actually. Or neither. OP is telling us we've been terrible about her prince of a husband, but without knowing what she's told us about him, it's a bit difficult to have an informed opinion.
Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 16:17

The name change isn't really to cover up what I've said about DH, but most of the posts are with name changes anyway so I'd be linking together my usernames which I don't really want to do

OP posts:
Returnofthemaccys · 14/12/2020 16:19

Leave the bastard. He sounds like an absolute dick.

Sparklingbrook · 14/12/2020 16:19

Do you post in Relationships/Chat/AIBU?

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:20

@BesottedTurnip

The name change isn't really to cover up what I've said about DH, but most of the posts are with name changes anyway so I'd be linking together my usernames which I don't really want to do
Well...sorry OP, you apparently want to know why we hate your husband, but if you don't tell us what you've been saying about him then it's all a bit of a hiding to nothing.

Whatever you've said has caused some posters to worry, and that's about all we can be sure of.

VettiyaIruken · 14/12/2020 16:20

People only have what you choose to write to go on.

If "every time" you post about him, people are critical of him and even concerned about you then there are only really 2 possibilities

1 You are so used to awful behaviour that it seems normal to you and you can't understand why it's shocking to others.

2 You exaggerate/phrase it in a way that demonises him because you're mad at him/ want people to agree with you that he's totally in the wrong.

Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 16:20

@PrincessNutNutRoast I wasn't being disingenuous with that, I genuinely didn't know they were mumsnet no nos (but appreciate what you're saying about context) and was just trying to lighten the tone slightly as clearly, whether my husband was being unreasonable on the odd occasion or not, I was unreasonable for starting this thread!

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 14/12/2020 16:22

I would never, ever post on this site for advice or rational opinions on anything, to be quite honest.

People will happily pile on even the most innocuous of threads on here. I genuinely think the tone of the first few responses sets the tone for the entire thread, be that for good or for bad.

frayday · 14/12/2020 16:24

Mumsnetters would hate my husband if I said what he was like 😂 but I love him and know works well with our family. Mumsnet is very extreme at times x

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:26

[quote BesottedTurnip]@PrincessNutNutRoast I wasn't being disingenuous with that, I genuinely didn't know they were mumsnet no nos (but appreciate what you're saying about context) and was just trying to lighten the tone slightly as clearly, whether my husband was being unreasonable on the odd occasion or not, I was unreasonable for starting this thread![/quote]
Well, they mostly aren't! Ok, name changing on marriage is a bit controversial as an issue when we discuss it in the abstract, but it really isn't a LTB issue on its own (hope not, cause I did it). Nor is following the higher earner or having him work away; indeed, this is so common we are always telling women to get married to be protected. Asking Daddy to marry you, ok, I admit I throat-vommed a bit but ultimately, if the poster is happy and it was just a performance rather than the men actually deciding for her then, well, that's her life. My father was an arsehole so I've got my own issues on that that don't apply to everyone else.

My slightly garbled point is that those things mostly AREN'T MN no-nos, at least not in the sense that we would string a man up for them. But yes, if a woman posted asking if it was normal to do such things, we would get worried because that strongly implies that she isn't happy, and it's quite likely to be more sinister under the surface. You must surely realise that. So when you post all wide eyed saying "ooh, I had no idea MN hated men for THAT!" then yeah, it does look as though you're not thinking about it, and we can only guess as to whether that's intentional or not.

rwalker · 14/12/2020 16:29

Quite simply women back and side with women and men back and side with men.

Tootsietootie · 14/12/2020 16:30

But what some women put up is just accepted by many people. Where as on MN quite a lot of us have had a eyes opened over the years and will no longer put up with shite. Even though many would see this shite as normal.
So your husband could be an absolute dick about something that you may have not even realised that bad because we have over millennia we have been trained to accept shite.

shallbe · 14/12/2020 16:31

I do often think about certain situations be it with DH or with my kids and think "god what would MN say about that" Grin

toconclude · 14/12/2020 16:33

The other MN option is "smug" if one's partner is halfway reasonable and you dare to say so...

shallbe · 14/12/2020 16:33

Quite simply women back and side with women and men back and side with men.

Siding with women.....have you been on MN before?! Wink

notanothertakeaway · 14/12/2020 16:34

My cousin maintains that her DH is a good man, despite ample evidence to the contrary.....

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:37

@rwalker

Quite simply women back and side with women and men back and side with men.
Yeah, we all side with each other on here, for sure. Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya...
SimonJT · 14/12/2020 16:38

Meh, it depends what you have said about him. A friend is married to a horrible person, whenever we mention any of the awful things he has done my friend accuses us of making awful things up about his wonderful husband.

Some people are ‘funny’ someone recently said my partner was awful and lacking in care/fun because he asked me to make the bed look neat the first time we put new bedding on.

PreRaphaeliteMotherhood · 14/12/2020 16:41

Yep, I once complained about DH waking me in the night (semi-asleep he would roll over and as he woke up he’d mutter ‘I love you’ or something.) and I was told he was abusive and had serious mental health issues etc. At worst, he was feeling a bit insecure. I always worry about posting anything remotely negative about him now as I think I’ll be told he’s a manipulative arsehole.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2020 16:42

A lot of women have a very low bar in terms of what they expect/demand from a man in a relationship and therefore the MN boards are full on any given day of women coming on to ask if they are BU when it turns out their husbands are absolute pricks.

This may dispose some posters (probably myself included) to jump to conclusions about isolated bits of bad behaviour from men who are otherwise OK.

I'm not going to apologise for this: I take the view that a woman is nearly always better off on her own unless her DP significantly enhances her life and therefore I kind of eye-roll a bit and think "what is the point of him"? when a woman comes on to say "he's lovely and he's a great father but..." Sue me but I'm usually right Grin

It does slightly beg the question as to why you post about him if he's so lovely?

For context I posted dozens of times about my now ex husband when my marriage was collapsing because I'd lost my compass and my sense of self and no longer trusted my instincts. I've posted once in two years about my boyfriend and that was in relation to a situation where he was the wronged party. If you are posting an awful lot about your OH it does tend to suggest that you are either a) not massively happy or b) bored.

museumum · 14/12/2020 16:43

I once posted about my dh waking me up when he came to bed (later than me) by putting a light on. I was told this MUST be the tip of the iceberg and he was abusive and I was just so worn down by his behaviour I no longer knew to expect better and I should LTB.
Sigh.

VeganVeal · 14/12/2020 16:45

He sounds a nightmare Flowers

Givemeabreak88 · 14/12/2020 16:45

museumum

Shock over turning on a light

Audreyseyebrows · 14/12/2020 16:47

Your poor Dh! So misunderstood Sad

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