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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet hates DH!

252 replies

BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 15:21

My DH is an absolute delight! He is kind and thoughtful, does his fair share of the household, thinks up lovely surprises for me, no one's perfect but he's pretty good! I have zero major concerns about our marriage but from time to time ask on here about minor disagreements / discussions we're had to garner wider opinion.

Every time I post about him on mumsnet though, he seems to come across to others as horrible. At best pathetic, and at worse manipulative and abusive. Someone even flowered me the other day!

Is this just me? Has anyone else posted about their lovely husbands and had lots of replies suggesting ltb?!

OP posts:
BerthaBlythe · 14/12/2020 15:55

MN is like that. But I’ve read threads where an op has been gaslighted for so long that she can’t see how bad the situation is.

Anyone remember the thread where the op came to from a concussion to find her dh staging the scene because he thought she was dead, and wouldn’t call her an ambulance? That wasn’t even what she was actually posting about! But it was the pile on of posters calling out her dh’s behaviour that woke her up to the fact that her life was in danger.

MN isn’t a great site for relationship-lite advice but I’m proud to be in nest of vipers when I read about someone successfully escaping abuse.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/12/2020 15:55

...well what he do?

Nore · 14/12/2020 15:55

@BesottedTurnip

Sorry all. I have recently posted a thread which has had a lot of it helpful and constructive advice, but also a few what I felt were uncalled for comments about DH which bothered me. I wasn't trying to be goady or annoying, I suppose I was seeking reassurance that other people had had a similar experience like *@ImpatientlyImpatient* seems to have done.

In future I will either not post about DH or do so with my hard hat on and try to keep the responses in perspective!

So 'Every time I post about my new DH, virtually everyone says he's awful, but I've namechanged and am not going to tell you what those threads were about so you can't actually judge, but you're definitely all wrong'?
LuckyNumberThirteen · 14/12/2020 15:56

I've never posted about my husband on here. If he is so lovely, why do you need to?

ThelmaNotLouise · 14/12/2020 15:57

Maybe stop asking a bunch of people whose opinions are irrelevant in the overall scheme of things? Some posters will seize on the slightest infraction as reason to LTB, so sharing every quibble you have is bound to attract negative comments.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2020 15:57

I have recently posted a thread which has had a lot of it helpful and constructive advice, but also a few what I felt were uncalled for comments about DH which bothered me.

It's the internet.

If the majority of the posters didn't think he was a twat, he's probably not a twat. I di think had MN been here during my first marriage, I'd have left him sooner. For good reason.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2020 15:59

Are you young op? I'm guessing you are 20s maybe 30s. Well, mumsnet is made up of 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc so you'll get all their opinions. I'm 40s now and wouldnt put up with anywhere near the same amount of shit from men that I thought was fine in my twenties. because I'm wiser now

Serendipity79 · 14/12/2020 16:00

I think the key thing is that often a lot of people don't realise theyre in an abusive relationship. So for those of us who have been (and didn't realise until it was over) we perhaps see things that others don't/don't want to/cant and we just don't want anyone else going through what we went through. You can only reply based on what a poster tells you though.

Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 16:01

@arethereanyleftatall I am young. Young, besotted, and easily upset by strangers on the internet Wink

OP posts:
Seafog · 14/12/2020 16:02

No one has said it about my dh personally, but there have been posts that make me think MN would not like him.
Hmm
He asked my dad for his permission to marry me, I have taken his last name, I put his career ahead of mine (trailing spouse), he works away up to 6 months at a time, etc
I like him just thought, so I don't post much about him.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 16:03

Then this is not the place for you! Smile

EssentialHummus · 14/12/2020 16:03

What everyone else said. I’d add though, that different people have a higher tolerance for different things - so someone telling you to LTB for, say, the gormless way he chews gum, is speaking from their own POV.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2020 16:04

In that case @BesottedTurnip, I would say that's entirely the reason. In our twenties we're so consumed with marriage and babies, we 'put up' with shit, though you won't see it like that; yet.

Original poster
BesottedTurnip · 14/12/2020 16:06

@Seafog I didn't even know those were punishable offences! DH did some of those...lucky I never post about him anymore to see what strangers on the internet think of my decisions Grin

OP posts:
wildraisins · 14/12/2020 16:07

There are a lot of people on here who have had bad experiences with men and they tend to project. So as soon as someone complains about a man, it all comes out and they are basically rehashing their own failed relationships and shouting that all men are awful.
It's not a good place to ask for relationship advice really ;)

wimhoffbreather · 14/12/2020 16:07

Are you one of those posters who describes her total arse of a husband, then starts defending him as man/husband of the year the moment a couple of posters give comments you don’t like?

Almost as predictable as the ltb commenters tbh

Nore · 14/12/2020 16:09

[quote BesottedTurnip]@Seafog I didn't even know those were punishable offences! DH did some of those...lucky I never post about him anymore to see what strangers on the internet think of my decisions Grin[/quote]
And yet here you are, worrying about what strangers on the internet think of your DH! Because the interesting thing on here is that people on here only know what you've told them.

Ignoring a few outliers on any thread, if the vast majority of people have been vocally critical of your DH across a number of threads and you, despite being 'besotted', have felt the need to post a number of threads about his behaviour then you might need to think about what it is that (a) you think you're saying and (b) what you're actually saying.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 16:09

But you’ve posted about him just now? Confused

I’m channelling my inner Catherine Tate nan. Hard.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 14/12/2020 16:11

[quote BesottedTurnip]@Seafog I didn't even know those were punishable offences! DH did some of those...lucky I never post about him anymore to see what strangers on the internet think of my decisions Grin[/quote]
That was a list of fairly common scenarios, especially name changing and following the path of a higher earner. It's not in itself necessarily a cause to worry (ok, asking Daddy for your hand in marriage is pretty bleurgh, but assuming it was a formality to make everyone happy rather than actually overriding the poster's wishes, we can probably get over that). However, you do realise that if that poster had told us about those situations while asking if they were normal, we would get the impression that it wasn't happening with her enthusiastic consent and might worry?

Are you posting just to get a thrill out of being misunderstood? Something about "punishable offences" for that list sounds a bit drama seeky.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2020 16:11

People are solely going off what you’re saying about him. If he’s so bloody marvellous then stop whinging.

Trousersareoverrated · 14/12/2020 16:13

I've had the same OP! Can't remember anything specific but if I said something like 'I made DH a packed lunch' all I would get is comments about 'why can't he make his own packed lunch?' - never mind the bigger picture which could be anything but in reality is that I'm pretty lazy with housework and he does a larger share of it than me, he makes dinner for us all and clears it up every night, he always puts the bins out, deals with bills, fixes the dishwasher etc etc but noooo... I should make my own lunch and rather than whip him up a sandwich while I've got all the ingredients out I should put everything away, clean it up and then get him to do it himself.

I get that people don't know the bigger picture but I'm sensible (not lucky - I know plenty of men like him and I would have run at the first sniff of anything different) enough to have married a man who believes and acts upon the fact that we are equals and a team.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/12/2020 16:13

MN isn’t a great site for relationship-lite advice but I’m proud to be in nest of vipers when I read about someone successfully escaping abuse

This. MN is awesome if your DH is abusing you, but awful if he's a nice bloke with a couple of annoying habits

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 16:14

Well presumably you post when he's pissed you off, so of course that's the responses you will get.

Haffiana · 14/12/2020 16:14

Is this a school kid posting? Or just someone in need of some logical thinking?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 16:15

Although MN can be overly dramatic and jump to abuse at the drop of a hat.