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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
TeaStory · 14/12/2020 16:48

I know it’s not popular, but I was pulled in by Penis Beaker. My friend told me about it, and I was hooked!

Nore · 14/12/2020 16:56

@TeaStory

I know it’s not popular, but I was pulled in by Penis Beaker. My friend told me about it, and I was hooked!
Oh, @TeaStory, that's the Mn equivalent of becoming a particular premiership football team fan the day they win the FA cup. Grin

Can't you at least pretend you were sucked in the discussions of laminitis on The Tack Room, or a support thread for people who sell macramé dreamcatchers on Etsy?

SenorFrog · 14/12/2020 16:58

Mumsnet isn't just to discuss things to do with being a mum. It's adult women discussing life.

RincewindsHat · 14/12/2020 17:02

No, no guilt at all. I never wanted children and was always very upfront about that, and my parents have never once made an issue out of it in any way. I don't know if they feel like they would like to be grandparents, and I guess my sibling could still give them a grandchild if they decide to, but they have never has misty eyes over missing out on being grandparents to my knowledge. If they did, it wouldn't change my mind. I'm extremely happy childfree and have never once regretted my choice :) I feel great about it!

TeaStory · 14/12/2020 17:02

@Nore I’m going to have to namechange now aren’t I?! Blush

Nore · 14/12/2020 17:04

[quote TeaStory]@Nore I’m going to have to namechange now aren’t I?! Blush[/quote]
Totally, or your credibility is gone. Grin

Whatsthename · 14/12/2020 17:06

[quote SarahFrances89]@Whatsthename thank you for such a thoughtful answer and I'm really glad to hear you've found such support here (and hope the cabbage-cooking suggestions are useful!)[/quote]
Thank you 😊

They really are, I don't know anywhere else I could find so many suggestions for cooking cabbage in a tasty way so quickly and in an way that's easy to find them all again! MN is useful in so many ways you don't even really think of. So many times now I'll think something like I need to try a new coffee, oh I can ask MN for recommendations.

PenCreed · 14/12/2020 17:51

One of my aunts is 90 now, and never married so never had children. She definitely isn't having a lonely old age - she's close to her sister and to my dad. Up until a year ago she was well enough to live in her own home and was a busy woman, driving herself around locally, attending church, seeing friends etc. Now she's in a nursing home, as is another family member, and she's able to socialise and chat. My cousins do lots for her and they all get on well. The lonely old age if you don't have children thing is nonsense.

About 15 years ago I had a brilliant colleague who was nearing retirement. She and her husband had decided not to have children, and she said once that her brother's kids (in their 20s) were returning home for various reasons so her brother and SIL weren't getting to enjoy the empty nest. It reminded her that she was happy with the decision not to have kids, her husband was retired and they had a busy, happy life. I can't imagine that it's now a lonely old age because she was such a social, lovely person.

AgeLikeWine · 14/12/2020 17:58

Absolutely, categorically not. I made the right decision for me by choosing to remain childfree, and I couldn’t give a flying fuck about ‘social norms’. Who wants to be ‘normal’ anyway?

My parents are grandparents as one of my siblings has chosen to have children, but even if they hadn’t, or had I been an only child, my decision would have been the same. It’s my life, my body and my choice not to have children and my parents’ views on the matter were never going to be a relevant consideration.

Original poster
lala2221 · 14/12/2020 20:50

Thank you for everyone’s replies!

OP posts:
grapewine · 14/12/2020 22:09

@SantasBritchesSpelleas

I hope I'm not being unreasonable (!) but I do often wonder why people who are childfree and not TTC etc. are on mums net?!

Bingo! Grin

Quite. I wondered when we'd get to this. Pleased it took longer than usual.
OffredOfjune · 15/12/2020 04:09

@SarahFrances89

I hope I'm not being unreasonable (!) but I do often wonder why people who are childfree and not TTC etc. are on mumsnet?! I absolutely don't think anyone should feel guilty for being childfree or that they should have to explain it to anyone. It's absolutely as valid a decision as the one to have kids and noone is entitled to grandchildren (though it's still valid to be sad you won't get any if that's something you'd hoped for). I hope people can respect your decision!
You are being unreasonable. Seeing as you're new, go and take a look at all the topics that have absolutely nothing to do with being a parent Smile HTH.
lynsey91 · 15/12/2020 09:03

@yelyah22 me and DH are in our 60's, married for 40 years and absolutely don't regret our decision not to have children.

We both really like children and played an active part in our nieces and nephews' lives even taken them on holiday just us and them. Always nice to hand them back at the end though.

One of the reasons we didn't want any was overpopulation and we thought the world was a fairly shit place. Now we think it is an even shittier place and are just so glad we didn't have any.

I worry about our nieces and nephews with the state of the world as it is and things like climate change, rising sea levels, the threat of water and food shortages. If we had our own children I would be worried sick

We know lots of childfree couples and I am pretty sure none of them regret their decision

thecatneuterer · 15/12/2020 09:15

@Nettleskeins

I don't know any sad childless couples; I do know happy childless couples, who will say that it was first something they wanted (to be childcare), or came to terms with (struggling with IVF, attempts to adopt), or didn't fight (children never happened, they left it too late) but despite living their best life, none would DENY that now in their 60s, they would prefer to have had A CHILD at Some point earlier. And it cannot be undone.

Why wilfully choose that?

hahaha. What utter tosh! I'm now nearly 60 and have never wanted children. There has never been even a scintilla of regret. I'm constantly grateful that I didn't inflict children on myself. Sometimes I have nightmares when I dream I've got children and I don't remember having them and the panic I feel in the nightmare is quite something:)
Chesneyhawkes1 · 15/12/2020 09:39

I don't feel guilty. I feel a bit bad for my Mum. She'd love to be a grandparent. But my brother and SIL are child free too.

However I have a DSS now and he loves my Mum. And she loves to spoil him. So it's worked out ok

Nore · 15/12/2020 09:47

To anyone on the thread who’s childfree and whose siblings are all also childfree, do you find people remark on this?

My siblings are all married and childfree, and will remain so, and I was happily so before having a child at almost 40, and some people, once they got wind of this before I had my son, appeared to think it indicated either some shared gene that favoured not reproducing or a childhood so appalling we didn’t want to risk replicating it.

ShatnersWig · 15/12/2020 10:07

Hell no.

CompostableUsername · 15/12/2020 11:30

@Nore

To anyone on the thread who’s childfree and whose siblings are all also childfree, do you find people remark on this?

My siblings are all married and childfree, and will remain so, and I was happily so before having a child at almost 40, and some people, once they got wind of this before I had my son, appeared to think it indicated either some shared gene that favoured not reproducing or a childhood so appalling we didn’t want to risk replicating it.

I’m the only childfree sibling in a large family.

Three of my sisters have children who are profoundly disabled and I genuinely think people look at me (I’m the youngest) and figure they can see why I would be cautious.

As much as I love my niece and nephews, seeing the insanely difficult life they and their parents have is definitely one of the main reasons I’m happy to be childfree.

My sisters love their children immensely, but each one would tell you that if they knew what they knew now, they’d have chosen to remain childfree.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 15/12/2020 12:13

@Nore

To anyone on the thread who’s childfree and whose siblings are all also childfree, do you find people remark on this?

My siblings are all married and childfree, and will remain so, and I was happily so before having a child at almost 40, and some people, once they got wind of this before I had my son, appeared to think it indicated either some shared gene that favoured not reproducing or a childhood so appalling we didn’t want to risk replicating it.

No, no one has ever commented. I have seen threads on here suggesting that childfree people must compensate with their nieces and nephews, but there isn't a single child in my family at all (DH is an only child, my sister is childfree).
reprehensibleme · 15/12/2020 12:38

Like a previous poster knew from age of about 15 that I didn't want children. Now mid fifties and have never waivered. It was a very strong feeling, so don't think it would have been a good idea to go against it, because biologically it was what I was 'meant to do' Hmm.

Nettleskeins, I find your posts a bit odd, tbh. My life contains love, joy many interests and friendships and I tbh I think I would have been pretty miserable if I'd had children. I would have probably loved my children and done my best for them, but it definitely wouldn't have been a life I would have chosen. I didn't not have kids for the sake of the planet (that's just an extra plus point), but because I DIDN'T WANT THEM. It's quite difficult to believe that your friends who genuinely didn't want children now regret their decision - the only childless friends I know who regret that state are those who couldn't have children, which is a whole different kettle of fish, and a couple who never found the right person to have a family with. I do know people who had children who bitterly regret it.

I have seen plenty of relationships which appeared solid disintegrate almost overnight when children came into the mix - my lovely SIL still hasn't recovered any respect for her husband and their daughter is 19. I've seen parents on their knees due to their child's behaviour, parents who will have a lifetime of looking after severely disabled children, spending their fifties and sixties having to advocate for adult children with life limiting disabilities.

There are plenty of parents who have no contact with their children - the boards on here are evidence enough of that.

reprehensibleme · 15/12/2020 12:41

Oh, and another quite important point, I find people who don't want children generally put a lot more thought into that decision and weigh up all the pros and cons. There are plenty of children growing up with parents who really should have made the decision not to have children...........

Ginfordinner · 15/12/2020 12:54

@reprehensibleme

Oh, and another quite important point, I find people who don't want children generally put a lot more thought into that decision and weigh up all the pros and cons. There are plenty of children growing up with parents who really should have made the decision not to have children...........
Sadly, so true.
Shuffled · 15/12/2020 12:57

I have 2DC who will never have children through choice. I have the occasional moment of sadness but it's not my decision to make and I completely respect their decisions.

HiveHoofHole · 15/12/2020 13:01

Not at all.

But I do wonder why some Mumsneter's parents chose to have kids.

Lelophants · 15/12/2020 13:03

I am having children and jt is for me and my dh. I do not think it's fair to expect grandchildren! I do not assume my son will want kids. If I have some issue there I will spend time with young children in other ways e.g. volunteer, foster

I'm lucky my parents were supportive no matter what. I'm contrast my children friends have had a lot of issues with parents being angry for not being grandparents. Sadly it's often as the mums were at home all day and thats all they've been looking forward to.