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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 14/12/2020 13:05

My older sister and her husband decided never to have children and are very happy, I don’t think she’s ever felt any guilt about it.

DH and I had decided not to have any, but I did feel a lot of guilt about it especially when my mum was dying. She would have been an amazing grandmother and I wish she had experienced that. I feel worse now because we did decide to try after she had died, and I got pregnant very quickly, had twins unexpectedly and I feel so sad that she never knew them and vice versa.

I don’t think anyone should feel guilty, but I do understand why.

I’d say there’s a strong chance my boys won’t have children (they are both autistic amongst other things and non verbal - this may change as they get older, but they are quite severely affected at the moment and unless things change significantly I doubt they’ll be able to have relationships as adults). I feel sad that they may not have the option of anything they want to do in life, but don’t feel sad about my having or not having grandchildren. Their lives are their own and I just want them to be happy.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2020 13:06

It isn't social conditioning that makes us have children it is biology. We choose not to have them rather than the other way around.

You're suggesting that the default is for everyone to want children and those that could but don't have had some ideological warp imposed on them. I just don't buy that.

The majority of people do generally have a strong urge to have children but a significant minority have a strong urge not to. I don't know if that's biological per se but I don't think anyone chooses not to have kids because they think its environmentally correct or because they want to live an unfetted, feminist life.

The urge to procreate or not is one of the most selfish, primal urges ever and I don't think it is guided by these factors.

There obviously people who haven't been able to have children and have come to terms with this. But there are also people who genuinely don't ever want them.

19lottie82 · 14/12/2020 13:06

PS there was always a little bit of doubt on my part until a couple of years ago when my friend stayed t my place for 5 nights with her 3 year old and 18 month old. That made up my mind 100% and removed any traces of guilt 😂

SenorFrog · 14/12/2020 13:10

I'm not childfree, don't feel guilty about that. I didn't have one till I was 34 and had no plans to have any, didn't feel guilty about that at the time either. My sister is childfree and as she's 58 it's never going to change, lol. People get short shrift from me if they ever comment about her 'missing out', 'not giving grandchildren' or 'being less of a woman'. What a crock of shit.

Society likes to load women up with guilt no matter what their choices have been usually massively contradictory.

VeryLittleOwl · 14/12/2020 13:11

I've never had any guilt about it. I knew from a very, very young age I didn't want kids. I'm now 45 and still haven't had the slightest flicker of a maternal urge. DH feels the same way, just not interested in having kids at all. Fortunately mum absolutely adores her granddogs Grin

JorisBonson · 14/12/2020 13:22

I feel zero guilt.

My parents and PIL are the least paternal people on earth. Same as me and DH.

I don't like kids and I don't want them, and I refuse to feel guilty for my decision.

ginghamtablecloths · 14/12/2020 13:24

I don't feel guilty in the slightest, but then I'm from a large family of five so there are plenty of grandchildren (six) to go round. I relish the peace and quiet and lack of chaos.

DH was one of two and his brother had two children. I think MIL was a little surprised that we chose be childfree but she realised that it was our choice.

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 13:26

[quote Ponoka7]@Bluemooninmyeyes1, I'm in that position. I love my grandchildren, but I have to provide childcare so my DD can work, her ex is useless. They'll all have a shit quality of life otherwise. But while my quality of life is very good, I do enjoy children. But interests that I thought I'd be able to persue in my 50's, I'm now having to put off until my 60's. I'm glad that my eldest (36)is remaining childfree and it's looking like my youngest (autistic) wouldn't be interested in having any.

I don't think it is selfish to have children if you really want them. When our population drops, we up immigration. Western women are no less entitled to be Mothers than their third world counterparts. What we need is more women's and reproductive rights.[/quote]
And this the reason why I refuse to provide childcare for my grandchild. U'm not childfree but I wish I was grandchildfree due to their parents expecting free childcare from me, or pay their childcare fees, treat their child equally to mine etc....Peoples expectations suck and shouldn't be forced on others

Neron · 14/12/2020 13:31

She puts the most unreal pressure on them to ‘give her grandchildren
I can relate to that a bit. I said upthread that I felt no guilt about not giving grandchildren, and I haven't felt any guilt, but I have felt anger when people insist we should have them.
Like my MIL, despite having loads of grand and great children - but wasn't going to be 'complete', without a grandchild from her son. He is the only boy on her side of the family so it was a massive thing for her. It didn't go down too well when DH had a vasectomy, and she told us we could always reverse it. It wasn't until I was ill, and learnt that I'm infertile and can't have them anyway, that it stopped. I adore her BTW, she just really wanted a grandchild from her son Hmm

sammylady37 · 14/12/2020 13:34

My god, nettkeskeins is posting some amount of bullshit on this thread, some of which is quite misogynistic, as well as arrogant and disrespectful.

I’m 41 and childfree, and I’ll remain that way. I have never wanted children, never once wavered in that, never had any nagging doubts. I sought out a sterilisation procedure and had it in recent times, and in my younger years I always, always had enough money in the bank to pay for an abortion had I needed one- I’m Irish, so it would have involved travelling to England, staying overnight/s etc. Other women have ‘running away money’, I had ‘abortion money’!

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 13:39

@Nettleskeins

It is your choice of course, I never said it was not. Why wouldn't I be sad for my friends being "sold a lie", that was presented as a sensible "choice"? It is like selling the lie that life in a touring tent is as valid as life in a house. In the winter most animals build shelters. As a rule most animals reproduce. It isn't social conditioning that makes us have children it is biology. We choose not to have them rather than the other way around. That is the social conditioning. Like thinking tents are "fun". Tents and being childfree are the "fairy tale" existence.
Having children is the single most selfish thing you can do. There is a social conditioning that a family is a couple with children and of you don't have children you are not a complete family. The pressure is real for women to have children and give up their career. People do not understand that not having children is a valid choice. That it is selfish not to have children. We have even had posts on this board because a member did not want to sell jer home to a childfree couple because the home was meant for children. Why do they need a 4 bedroom home if it is just the two of them etc....
Chickenwing · 14/12/2020 13:41

I don't feel guilty. I feel annoyed when my parents ask when I'm having children (despite having told them several times that I am not.) It is no one elses decision how I live my life, and I know for me it is the better choice.

CounsellorTroi · 14/12/2020 13:41

My mum never put pressure on me to have children, the opposite if anything. Just as well as I was not able to have them. She did get a grandchild eventually via my DB but by that time she was too old to care either way.

Neron · 14/12/2020 13:44

There is a social conditioning that a family is a couple with children and of you don't have children you are not a complete family
Agree with this! The amount of times DH has been denied annual leave at Christmas or other times of the year, because we don't have children

Meowchickameowmeow · 14/12/2020 13:47

I've never felt one iota of guilt about not having children, I find it utterly bizarre that anyone would tbh.

Ivy455 · 14/12/2020 13:55

I actually feel guilty for having a child. Motherhood didn't come naturally to me and I feel like I'm not good enough for her. I also worry about what type of future she will have with the current state of the world. I allowed my biological urges to overpower common sense. I applaud childfree people.

Thisusernameistakenagain · 14/12/2020 13:56

Yes. Very. Especially given I'm an only child :(

Meowchickameowmeow · 14/12/2020 13:57

A note for all those who are older and never had children: was there a moment where you knew 100% for definite? Have you regretted it?

I always knew, I just never had any interest in children/babies. I've never felt broody or that my biological clock was ticking.
No regret for me.

Tiless · 14/12/2020 13:59

Not my thread as I’m happy to have children, but I’d feel very sad if none of my children had children, both for myself and for them as it’s been a tremendously fulfilling experience for me. But having lost three close relatives in the last year, I’m struck with how lonely and isolated very old age is for many people who don’t have children.

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 14:06

If anything, I feel virtuous not contributing to human population and the associated environmental and other problems.

My childfree life has been great, with career success, very low or no financial worries, fun relationships with men, lots of travel, volunteer work, pets, hobbies.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 14/12/2020 14:06

@Tiless why would you feel sad for them if when they are older they decided they genuinely didn’t want kids and decided to live a happy, fulfilling life without them? What is there to feel sad about exactly? Many older people WITH grown up kids live in isolation and loneliness, so having kids doesn’t guarantee company in old age, sorry.

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 14:08

@sammylady37

My god, nettkeskeins is posting some amount of bullshit on this thread, some of which is quite misogynistic, as well as arrogant and disrespectful.

I’m 41 and childfree, and I’ll remain that way. I have never wanted children, never once wavered in that, never had any nagging doubts. I sought out a sterilisation procedure and had it in recent times, and in my younger years I always, always had enough money in the bank to pay for an abortion had I needed one- I’m Irish, so it would have involved travelling to England, staying overnight/s etc. Other women have ‘running away money’, I had ‘abortion money’!

Same here (not in Ireland) always prioritized contraception and had a stash for abortion if need be.

Kippure · 14/12/2020 14:11

It is your choice of course, I never said it was not. Why wouldn't I be sad for my friends being "sold a lie", that was presented as a sensible "choice"? It is like selling the lie that life in a touring tent is as valid as life in a house. In the winter most animals build shelters. As a rule most animals reproduce. It isn't social conditioning that makes us have children it is biology. We choose not to have them rather than the other way around. That is the social conditioning. Like thinking tents are "fun". Tents and being childfree are the "fairy tale" existence.

No, the tent was an example of how we choose to live.... after a bit choice is pretty irrelevant to need. Validity is about proof, perhaps the wrong word to use. I cannot prove that tents are an invalid form of habitation I can however see evidence that tents are usually morph into more stable "dwellings" for biological reasons of what humans need for shelter, safety, food supply.I love tents, they speak to me on many many levels, but I'm sure that over time my tent would become as socially conditioned as the rest of me.

I'm still trying to unpick the 'logic' of your metaphor, which reveals a lot more about your weirdly essentialist mindset than anything about choosing to have children or not.

For a start, who exactly is 'selling your friends the lie' that being childfree is a valid way to live? People who 'sell people a lie' do so because there is a profit to be made. Given that having a child is a great boost to business you need a nursery! A sidecar cot! A breastpump! A car seat! A new car! Toys! School uniforms! A trampoline! Childcare! etc etc what is the benefit to these mysterious forces 'selling the lie' if people choose not to have children and not buy mad amounts of child-related consumer goods? Who benefits from people remaining childfree?

Who is telling anyone that not having children is a 'fairytale' existence? If anything, the negative stereotypes of the childfree are still far more prevalent. I was happily childfree till just before turning 40 and I must have heard all the lonely old age/chilly, hard-faced careerist stereotypes a thousand times.

And your metaphor is really weird. The childfree by choice are like primitive people who erroneously believe that living in tents is as good as living in a house? Tents are flimsy and mobile, while houses are solid and stable? Are you suggesting that lives that don't involve raising children are flimsy and untethered, while lives centred around children are more 'evolved' and strong? Hmm

Honestly, as I said, I was completely happily childfree until I had my son aged 39, and life is not dramatically different. I didn't have him because of any biological urge, or social conditioning, I had him because I thought it would be interesting, and it is. But my life before was equally good. I haven't turned from a tent into a house.

Kippure · 14/12/2020 14:16

@sammylady37

My god, nettkeskeins is posting some amount of bullshit on this thread, some of which is quite misogynistic, as well as arrogant and disrespectful.

I’m 41 and childfree, and I’ll remain that way. I have never wanted children, never once wavered in that, never had any nagging doubts. I sought out a sterilisation procedure and had it in recent times, and in my younger years I always, always had enough money in the bank to pay for an abortion had I needed one- I’m Irish, so it would have involved travelling to England, staying overnight/s etc. Other women have ‘running away money’, I had ‘abortion money’!

Also Irish -- every woman I know of my generation had an emergency fund which, even if it wasn't specifically earmarked as money to travel to the UK for a termination, was plausibly for that. I never needed mine for that purpose, but I went twice with friends who were terminating accidental pregnancies.

But I wouldn't view that as being the hallmark of someone determined never to have children -- I think it was pretty much everyone who was sexually active when there was no legal abortion in Ireland. Many years later, I had a child, and so did both the women I travelled with.

Abracadabra12345 · 14/12/2020 14:16

I have three adult children. It’s highly unlikely that my two younger sons will have children (for various reasons) while my eldest dd is adamant that she won’t have any. She’s never been at ease with children and I wish she had more child free friends so she’d feel less the odd one out.

I have never wanted grandchildren though would never admit this to anyone. One of my closest friends has gc and it was all-consuming. They’re older now but it’s still endless drama. Another comes from a large family, has 4 adult kids and many gc who she helps with, not easy as several have challenging behaviours. She’s great and makes sure she also pursues her own passions - including a warm friendship with me!

But I look at all the drama, all the work and I am so deeply grateful that I don’t have that. I have good relationships with my two older children but they live their own lives. My youngest needs support (SEN). I work part time with young children so feel in tune with that world, then happily wave them goodbye and get on with my own life. I have lots of interests and am very involved with my church, and love to travel when possible (by train, and mainly in the UK). I have lots of freedom.

My guilty secret is that I do not want to be a grandparent and am so glad that I am highly unlikely to be one. I’m sure there’s a stigma to admitting that though!