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AIBU?

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Original poster

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
grapewine · 14/12/2020 14:19

Are you suggesting that lives that don't involve raising children are flimsy and untethered, while lives centred around children are more 'evolved' and strong? hmm

If that's what's suggested by PP, it is not the first time I hear it in real life or read it on here. Doesn't make it true. It's just insulting.

Yohoheaveho · 14/12/2020 14:25

@GettingUntrapped

Not sure us humans have evolved to be happy with the amount of effort and entrapment having children involves in our culture. As the word spreads via the internet, people are seeing it for what it is.
Indeed, soon governments will be paying people to have children or face population collapse
ferretface · 14/12/2020 14:31

My husband and I are both only children and never had any pressure from our parents - one set is busy travelling (in normal times anyway) and the other set live close by and look after our animals when we go away! Don't get the sense that either of them are bemoaning the lack of grandchildren/babysitting etc.

We don't feel guilty because not having children is a neutral choice, it's not inherently more or less virtuous than having DC. Our friends have lovely kids, they've just made a different choice.

Kippure · 14/12/2020 14:31

@Abracadabra12345, I actually don't think you're all that unusual, although a lot of the time, it's probably not spoken aloud -- certainly my generation of Irish girls were raised by largely Catholic mothers who'd had little access to contraception themselves and hence were very keen on making sure their daughters realised the cost of having children, and the cost when pregnancy is not a choice. And nearly every nun I had as a teacher was the same (though I suspect that was more driven by a horror of teenage pregnancy).

Diva66 · 14/12/2020 14:33

No, I don’t feel guilty for choosing not to pass on my hereditary disease.

BeanieB2020 · 14/12/2020 14:37

Nope. Not at all. I never enjoyed being around kids even when I was a kid and I have zero maternal instinct or desire to be a parent. I would be an awful mother and have no guilt whatsoever about that, nor should I.

JorisBonson · 14/12/2020 14:40

@Nettleskeins

I don't think grandparents want grandchildren for "selfish" reasons. They value their own experience of having children even if it is only when they have adult children they feel the benefits (hated small children, worn down by drudgery etc).

I think the grandparents to be want their adult children to experience this "happiness", not because they want small children running around per se, or to boast.

Fwiw having children is hugely interesting and entertaining. Like surfing or gardening or visiting new places, some profess it is not for them, but when engaged in the "activity" it is usually worth it.

As the majority will attest, it isn't a trap.

This is hugely patronising towards childfree people.

For me, that is not happiness. For my parents, it was not happiness.

Nore · 14/12/2020 14:53

I can assure you, @Nettleskeins, that I have surfed and gardened, and, no, not 'worth it'. It's 'worth it', I feel sure, if you actually like gardening and surfing, but where it falls down as a comparison to having a child is that anyone can have a no-strings-attached go at surfing or gardening, be bored, and give up after an hour or a week.

If you were told that once you zipped on your wetsuit or picked up a trowel, that you had to do this all the time for two decades or more with no opt-out clause, many more people, who don't think they would have the remotest interest in surfing or gardening, would decide it wasn't for them.

OffredOfjune · 14/12/2020 15:05

@Tiless

Not my thread as I’m happy to have children, but I’d feel very sad if none of my children had children, both for myself and for them as it’s been a tremendously fulfilling experience for me. But having lost three close relatives in the last year, I’m struck with how lonely and isolated very old age is for many people who don’t have children.
Yawn. Load of bollocks.
Nore · 14/12/2020 15:12

@Tiless

Not my thread as I’m happy to have children, but I’d feel very sad if none of my children had children, both for myself and for them as it’s been a tremendously fulfilling experience for me. But having lost three close relatives in the last year, I’m struck with how lonely and isolated very old age is for many people who don’t have children.
One person's 'tremendously fulfilling experience' is another one's borefest or outrightly hellish, though -- surely you can see that?

For instance, many women on here talk about being 'lucky enough to be a SAHM', whereas it is my idea of hell. But I understand that people don't all have to find fulfilment in the same things. I certainly don't trot about informing SAHMs that I feel sad that they're losing out on the 'tremendously fulfilling experience' of my career, and I'm sure they're not 'sad' for me, either.

ImRealHonest · 14/12/2020 15:17

I don’t have children through choice.

I’ve recently separated from STBXH, who I was with for 16 years. Technically I’m still young enough to have children.

My parents have grandkids from my brother. They love it. I live on a different continent.

I’m kind of doubting my choice now. Did I decide I didn’t want children, or I didn’t want children with him? What if I met someone else and wanted kids? I’m 90% certain I don’t want children, but what if it was circumstance?

Nore · 14/12/2020 15:22

@ImRealHonest

I don’t have children through choice.

I’ve recently separated from STBXH, who I was with for 16 years. Technically I’m still young enough to have children.

My parents have grandkids from my brother. They love it. I live on a different continent.

I’m kind of doubting my choice now. Did I decide I didn’t want children, or I didn’t want children with him? What if I met someone else and wanted kids? I’m 90% certain I don’t want children, but what if it was circumstance?

Cut yourself some slack -- you've had a lot of change lately. Your decision may hold. Would you be upset if you suddenly decided you wanted children, potentially? Or is it more than this is dictate certain things about how you approach dating, if you decide to dip a toe in the water again?
Blowingagale · 14/12/2020 15:29

Not about social norms. Bit guilty as my parents would have been great GP. I otoh probably wouldn’t have been a good parent.

vomcomvomcom · 14/12/2020 15:34

Not at all! The world is fucked, why would I want to throw an innocent child in to the mix. My parents have known since I was small and refused to touch baby dolls that I would never be a mum. It’s just not of interest to me. I have a few friends who were like me til they got married, now they’re desperate for kids. Being a mum looks so dull, messy, tiring, expensive... just doesn’t appeal

amusedbush · 14/12/2020 15:37

I actively enjoy not having children Grin

I'm 100% sure I've made the correct choice in not having them.

I don't feel guilty at all, though I know my dad would make a brilliant grandad. My mum, on the other hand, was a fucking awful mother who didn't want children and resented every minute of us being there (she told me outright she only had us so my dad wouldn't leave her) so I have no reason to think she'd be any good as a granny.

My brother and his fiancee want kids. They're a few years younger than me but unfortunately my soon-to-be SIL has some health issues that will likely making having a baby difficult.

SlippersForFlippers · 14/12/2020 15:42

I don't feel guilty my mum has grandchildren just not from me.

I get fed up of the comments where people think we're not fulfilled in life as we haven't reproduced and the comments about not knowing what love is til you have children. Why parents more valid than me?

My close family have given up asking me now.

unebaguettepastropcuite · 14/12/2020 15:50

The main reason I don't have children is that the parenting I received was atrocious. I would never want to risk reproducing that with a child. Also, I have never felt any kind of maternal "urge".

Having said that, I love kids and I spend a lot of time with them. For several years, I was basically my godchild's de facto parent.

I really don't fancy the relentlessness of it all. DH and I are a very happy couple as we are. We don't feel there is anything missing. We can live a comfortable life, do what we want, travel when and where we want...

As for my parents, they have grandchildren from my siblings, but I would never have had a child just to please them (or society).

A few people have asked, some more than once, but I just tell them I simply don't want kids. I actually think that having a child to make yourself feel "complete" (not my words) is a very selfish thing to do.

JorisBonson · 14/12/2020 16:16

@Tiless

Not my thread as I’m happy to have children, but I’d feel very sad if none of my children had children, both for myself and for them as it’s been a tremendously fulfilling experience for me. But having lost three close relatives in the last year, I’m struck with how lonely and isolated very old age is for many people who don’t have children.
What about lonely, isolated old people who have children who don't give a shit about them?

Having kids doesn't mean they'll be there for you in old age.

FinallyHere · 14/12/2020 16:17

Do you feel guilty at all?

Goodness, no.

What is there to be guilty about?

Less pollution, lighted footprint on the planet. If the human race were genuinely dying out, so that having offspring was necessary to sustain continued life, I might reconsider.

It isn't, is it? Quite the reverse, population increasing

I don't even remember when I switched from thinking I'm too young to have children to thinking I'm too old. Either way, plenty of people are desperate to have children. I'm delighted for them and happy with me the way I am.

SarahFrances89 · 14/12/2020 16:34

I hope I'm not being unreasonable (!) but I do often wonder why people who are childfree and not TTC etc. are on mumsnet?! I absolutely don't think anyone should feel guilty for being childfree or that they should have to explain it to anyone. It's absolutely as valid a decision as the one to have kids and noone is entitled to grandchildren (though it's still valid to be sad you won't get any if that's something you'd hoped for). I hope people can respect your decision!

TeaStory · 14/12/2020 16:38

I hope I'm not being unreasonable (!) but I do often wonder why people who are childfree and not TTC etc. are on mumsnet?!

I’m amazed it took until page 8 for someone to ask this, it’s usually on the first page of threads about being childfree.

The answer, as always, is that Mumsnet has a huge variety of discussions that have nothing to do with children. It’s also one of the few ‘female’ spaces on the internet.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 14/12/2020 16:39

I hope I'm not being unreasonable (!) but I do often wonder why people who are childfree and not TTC etc. are on mums net?!

Bingo! Grin

Whatsthename · 14/12/2020 16:40

@SarahFrances89

I hope I'm not being unreasonable (!) but I do often wonder why people who are childfree and not TTC etc. are on mumsnet?! I absolutely don't think anyone should feel guilty for being childfree or that they should have to explain it to anyone. It's absolutely as valid a decision as the one to have kids and noone is entitled to grandchildren (though it's still valid to be sad you won't get any if that's something you'd hoped for). I hope people can respect your decision!
I'm on MN because I was trying to find support for things I'd suffered and my PTSD online and found MN as others had posted for support or advice and lots of people have helped me over the years under many different usernames.

I also get advice and help on many things - at the moment lots of people are helping me with ideas on how to cook a cabbage.

I also like to talk about books, TV, films, relationships, feminism, see other people's perspectives on the news and current events etc and I'm nosey and like to see how other people live and do things.

SarahFrances89 · 14/12/2020 16:41

@TeaStory fair enough - I've not been on long and have wondered it but not voiced it, so sorry if it's a boring thing to see asked repeatedly when you've been around a while! Really good point about it being one of the few female-dominated spaces on the internet, I hadn't thought of that :) And I haven't actually visited many of the non-parenting-related boards so am clearly missing out on some great content!

SarahFrances89 · 14/12/2020 16:43

@Whatsthename thank you for such a thoughtful answer and I'm really glad to hear you've found such support here (and hope the cabbage-cooking suggestions are useful!)