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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
Lelophants · 15/12/2020 13:04

*in contrast my childfree friends

Ginfordinner · 15/12/2020 13:06

@HiveHoofHole

Not at all.

But I do wonder why some Mumsneter's parents chose to have kids.

So do I. So many sad posters whose parents hate them Sad
DuckBatRabbit · 15/12/2020 13:21

Interesting that everyone seems to agree that having kids so your parents can be grandparents is a terrible reason, but if you check out the one-child family board (don't think that's its exact name but you know what I mean) it's often accepted that it's a good enough reason to have a second so that the first has a sibling.

Whatsthename · 15/12/2020 13:56

@DuckBatRabbit

Interesting that everyone seems to agree that having kids so your parents can be grandparents is a terrible reason, but if you check out the one-child family board (don't think that's its exact name but you know what I mean) it's often accepted that it's a good enough reason to have a second so that the first has a sibling.
I think that's awful too. No one should have a baby for anyone else. About three months after birth (if they're lucky) women are asked when they're having the next one. No one considers secondary infertility, not wanting another one, PND, finances etc. It's all about how the child can't be 'lonely'. In reality most only children aren't lonely and many children with siblings wish they didn't have them!
lynsey91 · 15/12/2020 14:15

@reprehensibleme

Oh, and another quite important point, I find people who don't want children generally put a lot more thought into that decision and weigh up all the pros and cons. There are plenty of children growing up with parents who really should have made the decision not to have children...........
I could not agree more. Me and DH discussed, discussed and then discussed some more whether to have children or not. There were quite a few reasons why we eventually decided not to have any.

I know that a lot of my friends with children didn't discuss it with their OH's at all because apparently "it is what you do", "it's just the normal thing to do"! Quite a few also had accidents.

4amWitchingHour · 15/12/2020 14:23

One of my friends who's always known she didn't want kids described herself as selfish. I'd told her it's the opposite - it's selfish to have children. You are making the monumental decision to create a life that didn't ask to be created into a life setup of your making.

I've just had my first baby, and am entirely cognisant of how it's my and my DH's decision for what we want in our lives that means we've created a person. Now it's our responsibility to enable that person to have the best life they can, otherwise it's just not fair on them.

AgeLikeWine · 15/12/2020 14:26

@reprehensibleme

Oh, and another quite important point, I find people who don't want children generally put a lot more thought into that decision and weigh up all the pros and cons. There are plenty of children growing up with parents who really should have made the decision not to have children...........
I couldn’t agree more.
VodselForDinner · 15/12/2020 14:35

@DuckBatRabbit

Interesting that everyone seems to agree that having kids so your parents can be grandparents is a terrible reason, but if you check out the one-child family board (don't think that's its exact name but you know what I mean) it's often accepted that it's a good enough reason to have a second so that the first has a sibling.
Given the amount of parents who come on to threads like this with “but who’ll look after you when you’re old?” I think a lot of them are hedging their bets, under the pretense of wanting to give their child something.
thecatsthecats · 15/12/2020 15:09

@reprehensibleme

Oh, and another quite important point, I find people who don't want children generally put a lot more thought into that decision and weigh up all the pros and cons. There are plenty of children growing up with parents who really should have made the decision not to have children...........
Absolutely. The same applies to multiple children.

I plan to have children, but my husband is quite freaked out by the fact I see it as an active choice and decision we make. Most of our friends cracked onto the child train immediately after marriage, and they now assume we're trying and having problems, or that we don't want them at all.

But creating a whole human life and basing the next twenty years of my life is the only irreversible decision I can make.

I can sell a house. I can get divorced. I can quit a job.

You can't sell, divorce or quit being someone's parent. (Well, you can give them up for adoption, but you're still their parent in fact.)

Lelophants · 15/12/2020 16:06

Please, can we not get into the whole 'having children is terrible for the world' debate. There are pros and cons to both having and not having children. When the claws come out it's just distasteful and to be honest, stupid.

Ginfordinner · 15/12/2020 16:45

Given the number of lonely old people whose children never visit them, I think assuming that your children will look after you when you are old is completely the wrong reason to have them.

Having seen how much my late MIL changed due to Alzheimers I have already told DD that she mustn't feel responsible for me, and to ship me into a home when I can't manage any more.

liverpool1981 · 15/12/2020 17:02

I don't have any and I don't want any and I don't feel bad about it. I just think the world is such a terrible place I think of sickness wars famines and now a pandemic. I worry about unemployment, jobs and where will everyone get housed. I don't have a problem with not having kids but it's the nasty mothers who ask me nasty questions and I just can't help but think they might hate their lives just a little.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/12/2020 18:26

@Lelophants

Please, can we not get into the whole 'having children is terrible for the world' debate. There are pros and cons to both having and not having children. When the claws come out it's just distasteful and to be honest, stupid.
But in a debate about climate change it's wholly relevant. You can't ignore it because it's inconvenient.

Of course there are pros and cons, but it doesn't undo the fact that having children is a massive issue in terms of carbon and climate change.

JorisBonson · 15/12/2020 18:50

@Lelophants

What @NeilBuchananisBanksy said.

How is it distasteful to state a proven fact?

Ginfordinner · 15/12/2020 18:57

Of course there are pros and cons, but it doesn't undo the fact that having children is a massive issue in terms of carbon and climate change.

I agree. The more people on the planet the more resources are used. On debates about family size on mumsnet parents of larger families always trot out the same old argument that they take fewer holidays, never fly anywhere, walk everywhere, grow all of their own vegetables organically, knit their own lentils yada yada yada.

The assumption that child free couples always jet off abroad and live environmentally unfriendly lifestyles is irritating, and so untrue in many cases.

HiveHoofHole · 15/12/2020 19:02

World population growth is predicted to reduce sharply in about 30-40 years time across most continents. That is a good thing. But we are all going to have to learn to live with less. For those children alive today, life may get more lonely if they choose to go childless, but that is merely an observation.

Ginfordinner · 15/12/2020 19:04

For those children alive today, life may get more lonely if they choose to go childless, but that is merely an observation.

Having children is no guarantee that you won't be lonely when you are older.

TroysMammy · 15/12/2020 19:07

In work all 4 Receptionists, which I am one, don't have children and given our ages it's too late anyway. We've all got cats though.

peanutbutter00 · 15/12/2020 19:13

I don't feel guilty at all, I think everyone has the right to live their lives as they want (providing they aren't hurting anyone of course)

There are some societal pressures and most people are a bit boggled at my decision. A lot of my colleagues and friends who find it curious admit they never gave it much thought that having kids is something you 'just do'

HiveHoofHole · 15/12/2020 19:15

@Ginfordinner

For those children alive today, life may get more lonely if they choose to go childless, but that is merely an observation.

Having children is no guarantee that you won't be lonely when you are older.

And that is also, merely an observation.
MaMaD1990 · 15/12/2020 19:15

I have a baby and love her to pieces but I wouldn't ever want her to have a baby because she felt guilted into it. Not wanting children doesn't make you some sort of weirdo! I've said I'm too selfish to have another baby so stopping at 1. I want a lay in in a few years and not pay out eye-watering amounts for childcare for lower than I have to!

yelyah22 · 15/12/2020 19:16

Thank you @lynsey91 - I'm glad you're happy in your decision, and your reasons really resonated with me, especially about the state of the world ❤️ it really helps to hear these perspectives - I think 99% of the fear I feel is that it's so expected (at least by the people I know, anyway) that I feel like I'm doing something really odd, when in reality it feels like the natural choice for me. Having a child would feel like doing something odd for me, because it is just not something I see in my future at all.

lockedownloretta · 15/12/2020 19:22

Can i ask why so many chikdree by chouce people want to hang out on munsnet which is literally a website focused on having kids?

VodselForDinner · 15/12/2020 19:23

@lockedownloretta

Can i ask why so many chikdree by chouce people want to hang out on munsnet which is literally a website focused on having kids?
B I N G O

Is “munsnet” not full of muns?

lockedownloretta · 15/12/2020 19:26

Gasp shock horror! Fat fingered woman on phone makes typos!

Seriously though, what is the attraction?