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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
NoBloodyHolly · 13/12/2020 18:18

My parents are already grandparents. Not that they’re really bothered. Not everyone has a burning desire to be a grandparent. I’m not convinced they really wanted to be parents, to be honest, but they fell to social pressure and consequently had children that they couldn’t fully provide for emotionally. I’m not going to repeat their actions.

Blackhawk12 · 13/12/2020 18:22

I have kids but tbh my mum always told me not to bother, I used to call her cheeky for it Grin

RumHoney · 13/12/2020 18:22

Not guilty in the slightest. My godmother never had kids and as she is still one of my strongest female role models I am following her lead.

My sister had kids and I love my nephews but am always glad to hand them back. My parents got grandchildren. My other half's parents didn't, because he's an only child, and for a while they were dropping hints but I think they've got the message now.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 13/12/2020 18:34

Not guilty but I did have counselling to help unpick my feelings- I felt pressure to conform.

I also wish I had more similar friends. I'm the only one. I've had people say they are childfree to then announce their pregnancy. I'm happy for them but I can't help thinking 'oh that's another one gone'

NuniaBeeswax · 13/12/2020 18:35

Nope and nope.

WanderingMilly · 13/12/2020 18:40

"Not giving parents the chance to be grandparents"... What an odd idea!
I'm old enough to be a grandparent.
Fortunately none of my children have any offspring and may well stay child-free, the choice is theirs.
However, I am not keen on being a grandparent myself, I've had my children and certainly don't want to be dealing with any more, not even my own children's. What a bonkers notion....

rhowton · 13/12/2020 18:40

For those who are choosing to stay child free... I wish I had... I love my children so much and wools literally die for them. However, if I had my time again, I wouldn't have them.

TeapotCollection · 13/12/2020 18:44

Not at all, can’t stand kids. I get a lot of parents saying to me what rhowton said

TheABC · 13/12/2020 18:46

Childfree is becoming the norm! Just look up global total fertility rates. They have halved since 1950, taking into account countries like Niger (6.7 per female) through to Japan (1.3). The significant thing is that not a single country has increased their rates during that time and over 80 countries are now under the replacement level (2.1).
That includes the UK.

VodselForDinner · 13/12/2020 18:48

Nope. Children should not be born to perform a job.

AmandaHugenkiss · 13/12/2020 18:49

I know my mum would love grandchildren and she absolutely dotes on her best friends GC as a coping mechanism. I feel guilt about this, but it would be an awful reason to have kids just to make her happy. My DP has nephews to keep his parents happy, but my sister is also child free and staying that way.

I feel less pressure now in my 40s than I did in my 30s. Many but not all people seem to realise if I’m in a happy relationship at this age with no kids, I’m either choosing not to have them or I can’t, and it would be rude to comment.

My friends are about 70/30 kids/no kids. All DPs friends have kids. What is sad is that we have been dropped by certain friends now they have mum friends; I actually love kids even though I don’t want my own and it’s sad to lose people. I do understand it though, especially when they now have huge time pressures on them.

violetbunny · 13/12/2020 18:49

Not guilty at all. If anything I'd feel more guilty if I had one (the environment certainly benefit). It's one of those things where the only right answer, is the one that suits YOU.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/12/2020 18:49

Not at all. I felt sorry for my Mum when she worked in a shop and was chatting to a customer who went on to tell her how selfish I am denying her grandchildren though. After that she used to say she had a grandson but not mention he had 4 legs and fur and meows a lot!

violetbunny · 13/12/2020 18:49

*certainly wouldn't

CatherineMaitland · 13/12/2020 18:49

I don't feel at all guilty about not following social norms. I do feel a bit guilty about no grandchildren for my mother, because she'd love some. But I wouldn't have kids for that reason alone - that would be mad.

Hunnihun2 · 13/12/2020 18:52

@Blackhawk12

I have kids but tbh my mum always told me not to bother, I used to call her cheeky for it Grin
Hahah what made your mum suggest that? What does your mum think now?
katy1213 · 13/12/2020 18:52

Why on earth would you feel guilty? And you only have to browse Mumsnet to realise that many people regret it when it's too late.

Hunnihun2 · 13/12/2020 18:54

@rhowton

For those who are choosing to stay child free... I wish I had... I love my children so much and wools literally die for them. However, if I had my time again, I wouldn't have them.
A lot of people claim this on MN im assuming you have more than one child. After the first child what made you have another out of interest?

I just have the one DS and sometimes I wish I had another and other days I’m grateful I just have the one!

GettingUntrapped · 13/12/2020 19:01

Not sure us humans have evolved to be happy with the amount of effort and entrapment having children involves in our culture.
As the word spreads via the internet, people are seeing it for what it is.

Superstardjs · 13/12/2020 19:03

If dd chooses not to have children I will not be in the least bit disappointed. I have had my time, she gets to choose what she wants out of life. I enjoyed having dd but I did not want more and if she wants none that is up to her. I have visions of my retirement, should I ever get there, and none include spending it with young kids.

BayandBlonde · 13/12/2020 19:08

Nope, at 42 I am very content as I am with no children.

My parents are fine with it, however my siblings seem to think I am not normal and should be following in their footsteps. Their footsteps would be a miserable marriage and needy kids. No thanks 😁

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/12/2020 19:09

I'm 31, mum passed when i was 20. Never wanted children, and was so certain of that choice, until i met my current partner. I genuinely have shocked myself that i'm now questioning if i might indeed want a child, and i think it is because he has a child already, i've previously never dated a parent.
I have severe OCD and my biggest fear is incontinence which is why i've never considered a baby, but i'm actually finding even my life long, life controlling illness can actually be swayed.
Only time will tell if i end up having one, i'm genuinely not sure anymore.

As for parents pressuring for grandchildren, that really winds me up, they made their choice to have a child, but they should voice no desire for a granchild, a baby is the biggest decision a person can make and should be 100% their choice without pressure or parental influence.

garlictwist · 13/12/2020 19:11

I feel a bit sad for my sister who has two kids and lives round the corner. I think it would be lovely for my nephews to have cousins and for us all to hang out as a big family. That's the only compelling reason for me to have children (but obviously not enough to actually do it!) but that's the only "guilt" I feel.

As it happens 90 percent of my mates are child free which I think is unusual given my age (late thirties) so it doesn't feel particularly weird to me.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 13/12/2020 19:28

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

Really? Do I fuck? I didn't realise that it was my role in life to provide grandchildren for my parents Hmm

Dinosaur765876 · 13/12/2020 19:29

I feel a bit sad for my mum, and my sister, who has an only and would love for him to have cousins. But you can't have kids for anyone but yourself.

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