For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

[lala2221]

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

What a bizarre question; probably more appropriate to ask whether breeders feel any responsibility for their multiple progeny using up the resources of the planet, not to mention those taking up the resources of the NHS because they can;t conceive naturally but consider it their right to. I was NC with my mother for much of my adult life, and she died when I was in my late 30s – wtf would I breed to fulfil her needs? Plus given that she was a crap Mother, why might she be any better as a grandmother?

I don’t think it’s bizarre I think it’s interesting to hear people’s opinions.

Perhaps your experience has effected you? Even your choice of wording is nasty “breed”.

__ not to mention those taking up the resources of the NHS because they can;t conceive naturally

I don’t think the question is bizarre/ridiculous at all, and I’m surprised at the number of people who think it is.

I don’t want children, and I do feel guilty when I think about my DM, who has expressed (indirectly) that she would enjoy grandchildren. She’s never going to have that experience, and that makes me sad, and yes, a bit guilty.

It isn’t an overwhelming amount of guilt, and of course it won’t factor into my decision (it would be a terrible sole reason to have children), but it’s there.

My mother used to berate me and call me selfish for "not giving her grandchildren" but it was clear during my own childhood that she hated being a parent and resented what it entailed. So motherhood didn't look like an attractive prospect at all. I made the correct decision, as I'd have made an awful parent.

No guilt or regret whatsoever and my parents have more than enough grandchildren (14!) so I've actually redressed the balance of my siblings' proflic childbearing somewhat.

I think anyone who has children solely with making sure their parents have grandchildren should be the ones feeling guilty, that's a terrible reason.

Christ no! Why would I feel guilty..my parents had their chance they got me and my sibling, they're not entitled to grandchildren. Luckily my parents were never the kind to insist on it or ask when they were getting grandchildren. If I was happy so were they. I cannot abide these overbearing parents who ask their adult children 'when are you giving me grandchildren' it's so rude.

Children aren't the bee-all and end-all the world is pretty well populated. I can't think of anything I'd like less than to have had children. That said I absolutely love my friends little ones.

No guilt whatsoever.
And honestly, I've never felt any pressure either.
Maybe I just didn't pay attention, but except the odd "what?? No children??? Are you sure?" no one questioned my life choices and I suspect that people just don't really care whether I reproduce or not.

Fucks sake. What century is this?

I do feel a bit of guilt that I am heavily leaning towards staying childfree. My mum would be a lovely grandma and we are a very very small family - just her and my sister and me, really. My sister definitely isn't having children, so I think I feel a bit guilty that it's 'down to me'. I know that's not logical and I'm not required to have children, though.

A note for all those who are older and never had children: was there a moment where you knew 100% for definite? Have you regretted it?

I value a LOT of space and time to myself (9 months into the pandemic and I'm only just starting to vaguely miss seeing my friends - would quite happily stay at home with OH and see nobody else 95% of the time).

I have various MH issues that are under treatment and controlled, but I fear the effect kids will have on my MH.

I find the idea of the first few years utterly horrendous and boring and just the mere thought of it makes me think I'd be depressed, although I don't dislike babies especially. But then I really dislike most children above the age of 6 - I find them annoying and constantly needing attention and I think I would just not be a good mother to a school age child, as I'd resent their needing me.

For various reasons, I'm about to have my life together and more free time and a bit more free cash than I've ever had, and I'll be able to travel and explore and finally buy a house and get my life the way I want it to be, and a child just does not factor into that in any way.

My (late 30s) partner is really not bothered either way. He's more on the side of not having children and certainly isn't yearning for one, but if I said 'right I want to do it', he would.

It's all pretty obvious to me that I don't want or like children, that I know myself and the things I value most highly (freedom to do what I want, peace and quiet, routine and order) aren't really in line with child rearing.

BUT. But but. How do I know I won't regret it? There's such strong social conditioning in me that every now and then I think, oh everyone is absolute disgusted by the idea of having a child initially, then you have one and you love it and it's great. That doesn't seem normal, but is it? Will I regret making the decision now? It feels so huge and final to decide, no, 100% not which makes me think I mustn't be 100%, but then I can't think of a single thing about the idea of having a child that seems like a positive to me.

Any words of wisdom much appreciated!

I think I would feel more guilty having kids, from my mum’s perspective. Childcare is so expensive in my area so a lot of grandparents get burdened into doing most of the (unpaid) caring. I feel so sorry for my poor gran who raised 5 kids then ended up doing a lot of the parenting for her grandkids when my mam and her siblings worked full time. She had to cancel days out with her friends, trips away etc to look after us when we were kids and I’m sure her health deteriorated as a result. Yes I’m sure she enjoyed parts of it but I am in no doubt that she would have had a much, much better quality of life if her parenting days ended when my mum and my aunts turned 18. I’m sure there are many other people in this position.

I don't think grandparents want grandchildren for "selfish" reasons. They value their own experience of having children even if it is only when they have adult children they feel the benefits (hated small children, worn down by drudgery etc).

I think the grandparents to be want their adult children to experience this "happiness", not because they want small children running around per se, or to boast.

Fwiw having children is hugely interesting and entertaining. Like surfing or gardening or visiting new places, some profess it is not for them, but when engaged in the "activity" it is usually worth it.

As the majority will attest, it isn't a trap.

I don't care if my dc have children or not. Just want them to be happy and fulfilled. I would not be a hands on gp....and certainly wouldn't be doing childcare. I live 300 miles away so that is a factor.

I think when people agonise over the grandparents wanting dgcs, they are agonising over their own decisions and priorities instead. Family relationships are at the base of wanting kids, enjoying kids in the first place.

Blue that sounds a slightly ridiculous reason to feel guilty. My parents never helped with childcare, that didn't factor in my decision to have or not have kids!!

Yelyah22 it isn't "social conditioning" fgs, it is instinct that makes most of us want kids. We've been conditioned out of that instinct for the most part which is why some choose parenthood in their 30s/40s.

BUT. But but. How do I know I won't regret it? There's such strong social conditioning in me that every now and then I think, oh everyone is absolute disgusted by the idea of having a child initially, then you have one and you love it and it's great. That doesn't seem normal, but is it? Will I regret making the decision now? It feels so huge and final to decide, no, 100% not which makes me think I mustn't be 100%, but then I can't think of a single thing about the idea of having a child that seems like a positive to me.

You may find this reassuring

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-worry-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

I've had moments of worrying about the social pressure of not doing what some perceive as the done thing, which has included inlaws and family pressure. But I've known since I was really young that I didn't want kids and I no longer feel guilty about that decision anymore as I know I'm doing the right thing for me, which is the most important.

People who like "peace and quiet, routine and order" and who value "freedom", usually make very GOOD thoughtful, respectful parents. Cos kids like those things too. Kids hate chaos, instability, unreliability, moods, and being stuck indoors!

@Nettleskeins

Yelyah22 it isn't "social conditioning" fgs, it is instinct that makes most of us want kids. We've been conditioned out of that instinct for the most part which is why some choose parenthood in their 30s/40s.

There is social conditioning. Just one example, fairy tales about sad childless couples.

People will live their "best" lives regardless. We don't see childless men and women walking around with ashes on their heads day after day, why would we?
But to wilfully deny that something which will bring great happiness, is anything other than "social conditioning" is doing some men and women great great harm

It is a feminist distortion if you like, and in Brave New World I think the position is parodied.

Not at all. I would feel guilty bringing a child into this world.

I don't know any sad childless couples; I do know happy childless couples, who will say that it was first something they wanted (to be childcare), or came to terms with (struggling with IVF, attempts to adopt), or didn't fight (children never happened, they left it too late) but despite living their best life, none would DENY that now in their 60s, they would prefer to have had A CHILD at Some point earlier. And it cannot be undone.

Why wilfully choose that?

To be childfree not childcare.

And they would all have made excellent parents. It depresses me that thoughtful joyous unselfish people are often childfree, partly through a misguided sense of doing the "right thing". For who, society??

Thank you CounsellorTroi that's actually really helpful.

Also, Nettleskins, my point is that I don't have that urge at all - never had. Never looked at a baby and thought 'oh yes that's for me', never felt the urge to pass on my genes, or bring new life into the world, or nurture a small person, or help create the next generation. The only thing that makes me feel I might regret not having a child is the scores of people around me who presume I will once I'm married next year, or point out that I'm not getting any younger, or drop casual 'When you and OH have children' comments. It is expected.