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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 13/12/2020 19:30

That second ? was meant to be an emphatic !

Holothane · 13/12/2020 19:32

I said at 13 no children and never once have I regretted it, ex was told there will be no children if you want them you walk now. By the time I’d met dh now, I was already sterilised, when on the pill with ex I used to say I’ve had antibiotics you will not come near me until I say so, I’m not risking falling for a brat I don’t want, yes callous but I’d had it with kids with my nieces and nephews by 14. My own parents were crap as well mother buggered off father dumped me on an aunt who didn’t want me, used as cash cow, father if lucky I saw three or four times a year for about an hour.

JovialNickname · 13/12/2020 19:34

God, no. Equality for women was hard fought for and won in the UK. (Abortion ceased to be a criminal offence in Northern Ireland only last year). It was only 60 years ago that the contraceptive pill became available, giving British women reproductive rights over their own body. All over the world women are forced into marriage, or live in societies where there is no other moral, financial, or religious option other than marriage and children. I am so thankful that I am lucky enough to live in this tiny little sliver of the venn diagram, meaning that I live in a time and in a country where I have other free choices as a female other than to marry and procreate. I'd feel far more guilty and wrong blindly wedding myself to a man and popping out sprogs to be honest.

ViciousJackdaw · 13/12/2020 19:39

No guilt whatsoever. I have no interest in social norms beyond being clean and minding my manners in public. As for DM, well GC aren't an entitlement so no, I don't feel bad.

Never wanted them, couldn't look after them properly anyway because of arthritis (which may very well be hereditary) and I had a bilateral salpingectomy 4 years ago (medical need, not choice) so that's that.

MyPersona · 13/12/2020 19:40

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

Really? Do I fuck? I didn't realise that it was my role in life to provide grandchildren for my parents Hmm

Obviously it isn’t your role in life to do that but why be so nasty about it?

Should be nice legs shame about the personality!

KylieKangaroo · 13/12/2020 19:40

I feel more guilty for having children than not having them, and will never expect my DD to have a child just to please me. If anything I'll have to hold my tongue incase of putting her off just so she can come to her own decision!

OffredOfjune · 13/12/2020 19:41

*Obviously it isn’t your role in life to do that but why be so nasty about it?

Should be nice legs shame about the personality!*

What's nasty about that comment? You alright?

CrazyToast · 13/12/2020 19:42

My mother put some serious emotional blackmail on me and my sister to be a grandmother -'If I don't get to be a gran I don't see what point there is to living' (!!!). My sister had a kid so that too the pressure off me.

I won't have kids. Sometimes I think I should, that I might be missing out on something, but it just isnt for me. Too much slog and too limiting. I do worry I will regret it but I can't see the future. All I know is that I never got that feeling of wanting to be a parent and I don't think you should have kids if you don't have that urge. Plus with the long term illness I have it would totally destroy my body and miscarriage would be highly likely. I don't need more health problems.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/12/2020 19:44

I would feel guilty if I brough to the world a child I don't want, just because someone said I should have them...
Nothing sadder than unwanted child. They must feel it.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/12/2020 19:49

What a great way to make people without wains feel like shit.
Piss off.

Blackhawk12 · 13/12/2020 20:36

She loves my daughter dearly but she basically wanted me to live a happy carefree life and reckoned not having kids was the secret to doing just that Grin she's probably right. She had 3 kids and is a great mum but I'm really not sure what made her have kids because she's not very maternal haha

Blackhawk12 · 13/12/2020 20:38

@Hunnihun2 that reply was to you sorry

OrigamiOwl · 13/12/2020 20:38

Absolutely no guilt from me.

KylieKangaroo · 13/12/2020 20:39

@maddiemookins16mum I don't think that's the intention of the thread

Squirrelblanket · 13/12/2020 20:58

No. What a bizarre question.

Stantons · 13/12/2020 20:59

No, why would I? What an odd question

Splodgetastic · 13/12/2020 21:24

Not having children isn’t a moral failing.

hilariousnamehere · 13/12/2020 21:29

Not at all. My parents have always been very chilled about whether or not they got to be grandparents and now we've lost Dad, Mum is embracing being a cat grandparent instead! She and I are both enjoying how much more freedom and sleep we have compared to if I had children, especially as I'm resolutely and happily single.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/12/2020 21:34

Nope

Marellaspirit · 13/12/2020 21:36

Why should I feel guilty? I don't want to have children just to please everyone else. I'm sure my parents would love me to have a baby, but it's not them that would be looking after it! I feel absolutely no obligation to have children because society thinks I should.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 13/12/2020 21:40

@MyPersona

Nah, it's the face that's the issue: my personality's fine Smile

I don't think my comment was nasty. I'm just quite surprised that the question was asked in the first place.

Bupkiss · 13/12/2020 21:41

God, no.

My parents were far too sensible to pressure me (or my brother) to reproduce, which is just as well because neither of us have.

They just wanted us to be happy.

Whatsthename · 13/12/2020 21:42

No, I don't feel guilty for not giving my parents grandchildren. I don't mind doing someone a favour but I draw the line at using my vagina to do it.

I know many childfree people are made to feel guilty by their relatives and there are places you can get support and therapists who can help but I've never personally experienced it. It's never been unusual for people to be childfree in my family in my lifetime.

PerfidiousAlbion · 13/12/2020 21:44

No, not guilty at all. My parents never mentioned grandchildren and just wanted me to be happy, which I am.

I’ve always been unconventional and make a point of doing things aline and going out and travelling/holidaying on my own so that other girls and women see that there is another way to live happily in this world.

I can see that a lot of people are baffled by me though and assume I’m either very religious or that there’s something wring with me.

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/12/2020 21:45

To be honest once you have them the guilt just gets worse, as the grandparents put endless pressure on you to visit more often, stay longer etc. Plus you end up spending endless tedious hours of your life with the in laws whilst they pretend to admire the children but are actually making criticisms of you and your parenting style. Definitely only have children because you want them yourself. You are not responsible for your parent's happiness!

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