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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those of you that are deciding to stay childfree....

268 replies

lala2221 · 13/12/2020 17:45

Do you feel guilty at all? For not following social norms? For not giving your parents the chance to be grandparents etc?

OP posts:
Caramel81 · 13/12/2020 21:46

I feel no guilt. My mum has actually said if she were young in current times she wouldn’t have kids either as the world seems to be more and more insane as the years pass by.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 13/12/2020 21:49

I have one son who is an independent adult. He has no desire to have children. I don’t have any strong feelings about being a GP so that is fab as far as I’m concerned. My son is the only child of his generation in our family. My DSis and DBIL (DH brother) don’t have children and our wider family are the same. Most have gone on to higher degrees and careers that have taken them around the world.

Our friendship groups are the same. A couple have children, but most are child free by choice.

We have a great life and don’t miss out on anything. I have a wonderful relationship with my son and (in normal times) a life without constraints (work aside).

That said, I realise we are not the norm and don’t suggest for one minute that our choices and those of our friends are a better option.

Neron · 13/12/2020 21:50

No dice

Wandafishcake · 13/12/2020 21:50

Guilty? Never! Why should I? I don’t owe the workd children. If anything I feel rather virtuous because I am not adding to the problem of overpopulation or subjecting another innocent child to a grim future of climate change and a digital way of life that wreaks havoc on mental health. Instead, I will devote my life to helping distressed and disadvantaged children through my career. I feel not a shred of guilt.

warmeduppizza · 13/12/2020 21:52

I do feel a tiny bit guilty about the family name dying out with me, but I don't lose sleep over it.

Wandafishcake · 13/12/2020 21:52

@@PerfidiousAlbion I think we would get along 😁

NoSensei · 13/12/2020 21:56

I would feel guilty if my parents didn’t have any grandkids but luckily my sister has 2 children, so no, I don’t.

The biggest downside for me is that I’m early 30s and have no childfree friends or any idea how to make some! I don’t dislike children at all, I’d just prefer some childfree friends.

CounsellorTroi · 13/12/2020 22:02

No one is owed grandchildren.

HelloChompy · 13/12/2020 22:03

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I would feel guilty if I brough to the world a child I don't want, just because someone said I should have them... Nothing sadder than unwanted child. They must feel it.
They do feel it Sad

I knew from a young age that I never wanted children. I had years of the 'you'll change your mind'. I'm at the age now when it is less and less likely to happen so people ask less now. I can't imagine why anyone would think someone who was childless by choice would feel guilty about not having a child? If I'd had a child because that is what society expects, that would be something to feel guilty about because it isn't fair on the child.

MotherExtraordinaire · 13/12/2020 22:16

@YouShouldLeave

Guilty? No. I do not believe my parents (or anyone) is entitled to become grandparents.

I do wish i knew more other childfree people.
And that there weren’t any of this ”you’ll change your mind, everyone wants kids etc.” crap.
People should be more open-minded.

you’ll change your mind Reality is that this is still most likely to be true. Only 19% of women aged 45 will be childless and this rate has remained static since the 50s. Perhaps the only difference is that previously more women who had fertility issues didn't conceive whereas now perhaps some have conceived, so there's potentially more women who chose not have children versus couldn't have children.
ToDoListAddict · 13/12/2020 22:23

I don't feel guilty as my siblings and DHs siblings have made both sets of parents, grandparents.
I think my friends would actually be upset if I did have children as my house was their only escape from their own children (pre-covid)!

BobbinThreadbare123 · 13/12/2020 22:27

I don't feel any guilt. It never occurred to me. I always knew I wouldn't have children and I don't particularly like them either. My mother has made comments in the past but I think she knows to just leave it now. One of my siblings has a kid anyway. I would also like to know some women my age or older that are childfree. I reckon I've got ~5 years before people don't ask/tell me I'll change my mind (I'll be earlyish 40s then).

Miamarshmallows · 13/12/2020 22:39

I know loads of women who are childless. Surprised the statistics are that low.
My niece is mid thirties and childless by choice. She does though feel that people see her as younger and less mature than them because she doesn't have children and is not married. Deep down, she knows she is in the right place for her but it can still be tough especially as she knows her mum (my sister) really wants grandkids. There can be that pressure at times even if it isn't stated and that can be really tough I imagine. There's also some who feel sorry for her even though she can't think of anything worse than having kids and she certainly does not want their pity. Far from it.

Fatladyslim · 13/12/2020 22:39

I know four question was aimed at child free people but I personally feel guilt having children! They are tettible for the planet. I longed to be a mother for years, and I love my children to absolute pieces but having children is a much more selfish act than being child free!

Fatladyslim · 13/12/2020 22:40

*your, not four Hmm

AcornAutumn · 13/12/2020 22:41

No. No guilt at all.

Mimishimi · 13/12/2020 22:52

I am not childfree but I can totally see why someone would choose to be.

Why feel guilty?

grapewine · 13/12/2020 22:55

No one owes their parents grandchildren. I used to be asked this all the time. Along with "won't you be lonely when you're old?" No child should be in this world for any of those reasons. After 40 I was asked less and less, though.

ChasingRainbows19 · 13/12/2020 23:17

Nope my other siblings have kids, my mum had all her grandkids before she died. My dad has several. I have had great times the last 20+ years with nephews, nieces and god children. I’ve always worked with children. I’m happy to leave them at work! Children don’t stay little and cute for long either.

Babies become children who become teens the adults, it’s a huge responsibility and seems so stressful and I just don’t want it. I know people feel I’m missing out on the big, amazing love thing but you can’t miss what you never have. I have lots of versions of love around me and I’m content in that. Also lots of parent’s endlessly complain about their kids....it’s not all roses.

I don’t care about social norms. I am in a lovely, happy settled relationship , have good friends and family around me. I don’t worry about old age and who will look after me etc (not a reason to have kids!)

PerfidiousAlbion · 14/12/2020 00:08

@Wandafishcake I'm sure we would!

I support several charities both here and abroad which help provide better lives and self-sufficiency for disadvantaged children. I just don't feel the need to have any of my own. I'm happy that others do though. Each to their own etc..

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 14/12/2020 00:21

This reply has been deleted

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EpitomeOfIndifference · 14/12/2020 01:10

I am certainly not guilty. I have known since I was 5 years only that I didn’t want kids and that has not wavered even once.

I could not care less that society thinks I should have kids. I do feel a little sad that my parents are not grandparents (although my sister might have kids eventually) because they’d be amazing but having a child so they could be grandparents would be insane. That would be something to be guilty about.

sammylady37 · 14/12/2020 06:07

What a bizarre question and thought process!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 14/12/2020 06:21

Absolutely no guilt, the older I get and the more I see from friends and colleagues regarding their children, the more content I am with my decision.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 14/12/2020 08:07

@grapewine

No one owes their parents grandchildren. I used to be asked this all the time. Along with "won't you be lonely when you're old?" No child should be in this world for any of those reasons. After 40 I was asked less and less, though.
I always enjoy it when people use "won't you be lonely" at me - prime opportunity to say "why? Is that why you had kids then?" and see them splutter.

Because (I would hope) no sane person actually has kids just for company, so why do they think that will change my mind?!