Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
ChocShot90 · 14/12/2020 01:24

Have a WhatsApp group between the 2 of you titled 'Baby Feed Times'. Maybe set the checklist for the day there before going to work and update it with the last time baby fed. Me and my husband often find time flies between feeds and sometimes when our baby is crying, it's then easy to look at the WhatsApp group and think 'oh it's been 3 hours, he probably needs a feed'. It's annoying he has to be babied, but then maybe you can send messages on the group like 'feed and drink due' or 'nap due' that he can see rather than having to keep referring to a list? Then hopefully he'll get the hang eventually.

He should definitely be paying for childcare if he can't handle it though. Don't let it become something that gets you into trouble at work

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 14/12/2020 01:46

Agree with those saying do not leave your baby with this man. There are way too many serious case reviews out there of children who suffered at the hands of parents, especially fathers, who lost their temper, no matter how momentarily. It is not worth the risk. Could you go in to work a bit later and call nursery first thing to see if they can have him as a one off? And while I would usually advice against encouraging social services to get involved in your life, if you intend to continue the relationship you and tut partner are going to need support, so ring and ask for something like Early Help.

Topseyt · 14/12/2020 02:20

Surely the fact that his own sister doesn't want him near her child tells you something??

Surely it tells you that even members of his own family consider him too much of a risk to have around children. Please stop leaving your baby with him.

Don't think "just one more chance." One more chance to do what exactly? It could be one more chance to harm or even kill your beautiful baby when baby cries and his temper explodes.

Protect your child. Get professional childcare in place and kick this dangerous piece of shit out.

sobsanta · 14/12/2020 02:24

I would rather quit work and live on state benefits knowing my child was cared for than ever leave my baby with this man. I know it isn't practical and may not be a situation you can live with but if you don't leave him, he could seriously hurt your precious baby.

FuckYouCorona · 14/12/2020 03:07

The guy is a massive, useless prick & you know it OP. My ex is a similar negligent ct. I so feel sorry for his new wife & DC, but glad to be out of it myself. Either he or you need to leave asap. From what you've said you may be better off starting afresh in the town where your family live so you have support there. You'll need to sort out the housing situation regardless. Its unlikely he'll make it easy for you by simply f*g off to mummys house as he should do. Whose name is the tenancy agreement in & how long is left on your current term?

80sColourfulChristmas · 14/12/2020 03:23

@JaniceBattersby

OP I know you’re probably asleep but I just wanted to say that I sometimes find MN can be a bit alarmist in many areas. I rarely get involved in threads like these for that reason.

However, I have spent lot of time in the courts for work during the past 20 years and your situation is ringing some really horrific alarm bells for me. I recall two cases in particular where a man who was coming out with near identical phrases to your partner has killed a child. I won’t put the names on here because their parents might be reading but can I urge you not to leave your baby with him tomorrow please? It’s not worth the risk. Truly.

Ask him to leave, move home and you’ll be able to see more clearly the danger your baby could be in.

What were the phrases out of interest? My DC's Dad was similar to OP's partner. I had to safeguard my child from him. He was dangerous
80sColourfulChristmas · 14/12/2020 03:29

I'm sorry to say this OP, but if I knew who you were I'd be calling social services.

If you leave your baby with this man today then you are neglecting him. Please don't do it. He's going to snap.....

I never, ever, in a billion, trillion years would've suspected my DD's Dad would've done anything like what he did but he changed 100% after we had the baby. He went from meek & mild to a clone of how you describe your partner. He neglected our child when I wasn't there and I ended up having to grab her off him as he went to throw her across the room....... Thank FUCK I was there. Thank fuck.

All because he couldn't handle her crying.

RandomUser18282 · 14/12/2020 04:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Porridgeoat · 14/12/2020 05:23

We went through something similar but with 4 older DC though. I started a job, so he was doing 32 hours a week and me 35. DH was shouty and looked depressed and ringing me constantly to remedy the smallest thing. This went on for 6 months while he got to grips with how to manage home routines. I thought at one point I’d have to give up work. I helped him by asking him what he needed to do and helped him think through problems in advance or afterwards. But I also gave him space to find his feet. Find his own rhythm and be calm when things go wrong. I have the expectation that things will fall apart occasionally and that these moments are opportunities for learning. This is why I don’t constantly step in to save DH or DC.

Personally I’d ask him to get medical help from the GP if he can’t manage to look after his baby two days a week

If his mental health is suffering he can take time off his work rather then you take time off yours

Can he meet up with someone else who he can learn from? Even going to soft play or the park and chatting to other parents might broaden his mindset. Are there any other dads about who care for their babies?

I would recommend you taking a backseat with childcare one day a week so that he can step up and you can be in the background supporting him to read the babies needs. This can be done warmly and with fun.

If you sense he is driven to shirk his responsibility as father or will hurt the baby, I would ask him to leave.

If he’s just finding the change a bit stressful, I’d play it be ear. Maybe he could employ someone for a couple of hours on both days to train him up. Help him look at routines and reading babies signals and needs.

arcof · 14/12/2020 05:59

OP don't leave your baby with this man. A random person off the street will likely take better care of him. I am quite sure work will understand if you explain the danger you'd be leaving your child in if you were to come to work.

On another note, if your baby is 9 months his main sustenance should be milk. Solids are secondary. It's odd to me that you keep referring to baby having a "drink" and talking about "meals". Of course baby will be having meals but this isn't his main nutrition - is baby still drinking breast milk or formula?

Backbee · 14/12/2020 06:38

I will have to go to work tomorrow that will be the final test

Your poor baby, I can't believe knowing what you do you're going to leave them alone with him.i would also report you.

Imnotahugger · 14/12/2020 06:38

@arcof How do you know the baby isn't having milk just twice a day? Breakfast and bedtime and then solid food at other meals? (That's exactly what all my babies were having at nine months old and they all turned out perfectly). Don't be shaming the poor girl on her weaning/feeding routine. It's not necessary. She has enough to deal with.

miamiibiza · 14/12/2020 06:41

I hope you are okay OP. I was a single working mum on UC and I got 70% of my nursery bills paid. You will get help. I know it must all seem scary and daunting at the moment, but you can sort this x

Hollywhiskey · 14/12/2020 06:44

Gosh I am so sorry you are going through this. Your little boy will be better off with you as a single mum - I hope you can get sorted with work and nursery.

Bookworming · 14/12/2020 07:11

Bloody hell this is awful!

You really do need to LTB!

lockeddownandcrazy · 14/12/2020 07:15

He clearly isnt capable of looking after the baby. Yes he should be but he clearly isnt and there is going to have to be another solution found so maybe he could take more hours and pay for nursery. I would not feel the baby was safe with him as it stands.

Jackie7527 · 14/12/2020 07:19

OP,
Please do not leave your child with this man. Your baby's health and wellbeing is way more important than your job. If anything happened, you wont be able to forgive yourself.
Your job is replaceable. Your son is not.
I hope you make the right choice.

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 14/12/2020 07:23

God I can't stop thinking about this thread.

Those posters trying to give helpful advice such as remind him of feed times, let him to go to classes etc., this is beyond this and is non negotiable.

Baby is not safe. Simple as that.

When I was a trainee I saw a case similar to this. Baby was brain damaged with life changing injuries as a result of dad's actions and ended up in foster care needing daily medical help etc. Mum had no say and was considered just as culpable for leaving baby in his care.

If I knew you I would report you to SS.

I would also happily look after your baby today if I knew where you were. As another poster said, a stranger on the street would do a better job.

tara66 · 14/12/2020 07:51

MN's Admin. sometimes steps in to help in cases like this one - perhaps they can assist?

Potaoesgivemeheartburn · 14/12/2020 08:02

Did you go to work snowfl?

Please keep posting. If you did go in, please, please ring the nursery today & beg them for a place.

Every time your baby is unharmed when you leave him it’s down to luck. Please get sorted before your luck runs out.

KaptainKaveman · 14/12/2020 08:18

This thread is truly upsetting Sad

Plussizejumpsuit · 14/12/2020 08:47

I agree with lots of what pp's are saying. Mumsnet is prone to getting a bit hysterical. But in this case it's really not hysteria.

There's the stuff about the relationship and as you said in a pp, you can't be with a man who can't look after his own child. But for now you need to keep your baby and yourself safe.

I really wouldn't leave the baby with him today. It only takes a split second for him to lose his temper and hurt the baby. It probably won't happen. But that what if is too serious to ignore.

espressoontap · 14/12/2020 09:26

Leave him, OP. Things won't change. You are leaving your child in danger - I know that sounds over-exaggerated but if he ended up in A&E with a NAI and they knew all this, SS wouldn't look too kindly on the fact your 'partner' has told you all this yet you still left him. I've seen this in work so many times.

Your baby can't talk to you, he won't be able to tell you what has happened over a day or what daddy has done. Don't waste a moment longer with him. Keep your baby and yourself safe, now.

PurplePanda7 · 14/12/2020 09:43

Why didn’t he read some parenting books and go to classes when you were pregnant or planning to become pregnant? Seems like he wants to become so stressed that you’ll give up your job and do the childcare. He needs to pay for childcare!

bciw2 · 14/12/2020 10:03

Of course he’s not neglectful when you’re there - because you’re there. To move nearer home and leave him, be a single parent - it is a big change and it is frightening. It will be very hard. But it’s more frightening thinking what he could do to your baby when the crying won’t stop and the man can’t control himself.
You have no choice :(.