Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

His own sister will not trust him with her kids crickey. I've been thinking of your poor baby today left alone with dad. Is your baby okay OP??

Is mumsnet able to find out who this person is and make sure baby is safe.

I'm just saying I recognise the situation. Mine won't change, and hopefully CAMHS and SS will help me with it. I'm more concerned with the OP's baby.

Ah sorry Tinselly I hadn't picked that up from your first message, ignore me.

Mumsnet automatic response is leave him but in this situation I would. Walking around the house slamming doors. Shouting down the phone. Forgetting to feed and water his child. Pathetic. But there's no way I'd leave my child in his care again. I can't believe you had to deal with that at work OP

I presume he had food and drink himself between 7-3?

Poor little baby. It's not disorganised or chaotic, it's cruel!

How did today go @Snowfl? Hope you're all OK

He sounds like my DB, who has autism and MH problems and wouldn't think about offering DN drinks etc if he wasn't thirsty himself. ExSIL knew this and still repeatedly left him to care for DN alone. It came to a head when DN was 6 weeks old and SS put him into my care. I Still have him 9 years later. Although he didn't mean to DB was neglecting him and his ex was seen as being complicit in the neglect as she knew he was unable to care for the baby yet still kept leaving him.

Please fix this while you can.

I would not blame the OP for not coming back onto this thread, judging by people's reactions she must be terrified of admiting that she went to work today.

OP I hope today went a little bit better, for everyone. Life is complicated sometimes, you can only do what you think is the best.

Your post was so hard to read, I’m sorry you are in this situation. I think that to some degree there is a period of “settling in” to the role of sole caregiver when a Dad is left alone with their child. My partner certainly learned his way - occasionally having to be reminded that she was probably crying because he’d not done her breakfast yet, or occasional nappy rash because he’d forgot to check the nappy, a few times he felt he couldn’t do anything to stop her crying when she was overtired and so forth. And it was only through experience of this that he learned what she needed and how best to meet her needs the next time. I found it didn’t really “go in” when I told him things, he needed to learn from his own experience. And now she’s two and they have a great time together. He knows what she needs and only needs a bit of collaboration where her meals are concerned (he’s happy to buy it / make it just likes to know what to feed her). He takes the reigns with no fuss and enjoys his days with her. He had to learn, but he got there.

What concerns me about your situation is his anger / frustration in the house with the baby and his constant disruption of your work, disregard for your job and the ease with which he would rather give in than try and learn. Those are red flags for me.

He should have thought of this before he got your pregnant tbh. Not good enough.

Really hope everything is ok with the OP

OP, I know there have been some very forthright and rather scary posts here - but they are coming from a place of concern and caring about you and your baby. How did yesterday pan out? Are you OK?

I hope that op comes back and she ignores the people who think that posters have been harsh when dehydration can make a child very ill very quickly.

A grown man shouting and throwing stuff would scare me and I'm an adult who can run away from that. I can't imagine how scared a tiny immobile baby must feel when that happens.

The sound of a baby crying is horrible but it he child is 9 months old so it should hardly be news to this man that babies cry. Coupled with the fact that he wants to work less but have the child in nursery that day makes you wonder who the baby is.

I hope you're ok OP

Hi everyone sorry if I've been quiet I've been quite busy and needed time to take on board everything everyone said. So I left my partner with the baby on monday. He had a more detailed list of you'd like of eating times naps what to do when he does certain things etc. I also left water bottles around as suggested. They appear to of had a good day. I managed to videocall baby a few times my partner seemed relaxed baby was giggling away. When I came home partner had all bottles steralised etc baby was asleep. He had also wrote down what he did with him in the day as I requested so his naps times with him when he had drinks bum change etc so I could see. They seem to of had a much better day which Im glad off. I had the baby by myself yesterday while he was in work and he again seemed fine and was happy to see him when he returned putting arms out to get lifted smiling at him etc so the baby isn't showing me any signs of anything worrying. I have been quite though because although Monday was a good day I think in my heart of hearts this is not a relationship I want to stay in. I think with others rightly saying his slamming doors unwillingness to seek help take tablets even go to the shops. It is an added burden and I do feel like I look after two people. I haven't spoken to my partner about this yet as it won't be news we'll received. I'm going to have to sit and think how I can work things out with the house my job etc as I feel like I need some time at home with my own family. I have no support here only his family who understandbly I suppose will stick by his side with all this. But I have realised I'm not happy. I feel like he is a sponge just soaking up anything I have left in me. Last night I just sat downstairs until 2am he did come down and ask what was wrong and I said I'm okay so he went to bed. I hadn't ate all day I was exhausted but too tired to sleep. He however came in from work straight up to bed with food chilling watching TV. Granted not much needed done but he could of helped with tidying dishes etc so it may sound stupid but this just verified everything I needed to know.

OP

Hi OP. Glad you are back and glad Monday went without incident.

It sounds as if you have been doing some soul-searching and come to the right conclusion.

Although he may have winged it on Monday OK you clearly can't rely on this man to provide the calm, stable and safe environment your child needs. You don't want to spend the rest of your life worrying about his moods and his ability to cope and the effect this has on your child's safety and basically parenting an adult alongside a child. It will suck the life out of you.

Is there anyone you can talk to closer to home? You're right that his family will probably take his side, initially at least. Would you consider moving to be closer to your family?

I completely understand and support you in your decision to leave the relationship, however I am sure your partner will push for 50/50 and I wonder how you feel about him potentially having more time with your child alone? I’ll be honest, that would worry me

@thepeopleversuswork I couldn't of put it better myself I support him financially mentally in anyway I can. But your right I don't want my child in this environment my partener has changed slowly and I do not love dare I say it maybe even like the person he has become. I suspect he may well be going down a path of drugs again I can't put my finger on it. I definitely plan to move home and hopefully find a job there and find my confidence again. He hasnt even spoken to me today just been in the spare room playing video games 🙄. I need to sort out how soon I can leave work, whether I can get out of my current house contract as it runs Dec-Dec and really don't want to wait a year and also what to do with furniture etc here. The only thing I'm worried about tbh is his reaction and if he tries to claim for 50% childcare. I don't live in England so would mean flights to get the baby to see him and I wouldn't want him staying with him anyway but I'm hoping he won't go down that road. I think he will say he will but in reality he won't be bothered to fight for him in courts rtc.

[quote Snowfl]@thepeopleversuswork I couldn't of put it better myself I support him financially mentally in anyway I can. But your right I don't want my child in this environment my partener has changed slowly and I do not love dare I say it maybe even like the person he has become. I suspect he may well be going down a path of drugs again I can't put my finger on it. I definitely plan to move home and hopefully find a job there and find my confidence again. He hasnt even spoken to me today just been in the spare room playing video games 🙄. I need to sort out how soon I can leave work, whether I can get out of my current house contract as it runs Dec-Dec and really don't want to wait a year and also what to do with furniture etc here. The only thing I'm worried about tbh is his reaction and if he tries to claim for 50% childcare. I don't live in England so would mean flights to get the baby to see him and I wouldn't want him staying with him anyway but I'm hoping he won't go down that road. I think he will say he will but in reality he won't be bothered to fight for him in courts rtc.[/quote]
Why are YOU doing the moving not him?

Whose name is on the contract for starters.

I understand the point about him having 50/50 childcare and the concern that would endender. Are you sure, though, given how utterly clueless he has been with childcare so far, that he would want that? It seems a couple of days of caring for your baby nearly tipped him over the edge.

In my experience men talk a good game here but a man who isn't capable of providing childcare on his own is unlikely to volunteer for 50/50, given the restrictions it will impose on his life.

You should definitely take legal advice on this though.

@RedToothBrush we are both named on it. I do t want to stay here with no family near and childcare would be even more difficult I'd be relying in my partener to take him in his mums which wuld be worse. If i temporarily drop hours and increase nursery ud need someone from 6-9 in evenings and idk if childminders work that late

Considering how unwilling he has been to motivate himself to learn how to look after his child, and cannot do it without constant instructions, encouragement and leadership from you - I seriously doubt he will motivate himself to seek contact in a court. And you mentioned yourself your fear that if you leave, he will just not bother to seek any further contact with your child.

I think you really do have his number, sadly and hard though it is to deal with.

This is where it may help you to share with your HV, when ready and on your terms, your concerns and what has happened in the past few days, and how this has driven your decision to move out in part because you have concerns for your child's safety. Texts would be helpful evidence to keep of this, plus a diary of what happened and when. If he is sufficiently motivated - and again, it's telling to me that you see the money as being what may drive him to do this, and not just wanting to continue parenting his child - to go to court, then you will have the evidence that there were major safeguarding concerns. Even if you leave the UK, you may still be required to organise contact, and this evidence would open doors for you to do things like require contact to start under supervision in a contact centre, where he was observed in how he cared for dc, how he interacted and met needs. The observers would need to sign off that he was consistently doing a good enough job in this case before moving to letting him have unsupervised contact, which would be a weight off your mind.

I can only imagine how hard this is right now, but please do think of organising an evidence trail now. It's easier to have it and not need it than to later wish you had.

Just to mention too: a friend in quite a similar situation to you but with DA involved, who ended up having to take the children and vanish one night; her dp too applied to court because of the money and not wanting to pay her child support.

When it went through the contact centre, he did actually bother to do the sessions where apparently many parents who aren't sufficiently motivated won't do the work to turn up, play, make the sessions work and pass the requirements for unsupervised contact. My friend was amazed, he'd never done that much parenting before in his life when they lived together. However as soon as he had unsupervised contact she was hugely relieved to find he dumped the children on his mother for all the time, and went off to do his own thing. (Which was mostly gaming.) His mother was a very good carer, she had no worries about the children being with her at all. However as the courts were a bit askance about this as it was obvious it was only Grandma getting contact and not really dad, the contact was then limited to mostly a few days at holiday times, and child maintenance adjusted accordingly. Which suited my friend and Grandma very nicely.