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Original poster

Help DP "can't do this anymore"

652 replies

Snowfl · 13/12/2020 14:48

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 14/12/2020 13:48

OP, if you're still here - we are here for you.

This must be INCREDIBLY hard.

Come back.

LilMidge01 · 14/12/2020 13:51

Please do not do what so many are telling you to do and leave your baby with this man and turn off your phone!
Yes by answering it you're enabling him, but your baby's wellbeing is more important!!
what worries me the most is the anger and the slamming doors. what if he couldnt vent to you and took it out on the baby?

I would not want to leave my child alone with this man until he is able to demonstrate he can parent. Either practice together on the weekend if he is committed to being better but just doesnt know how, or if he is just lazy and selfish then ask him to pay for the extra days of childcare that he can't do

Overall though, I would leave him. I don;t think I'd be able to have respect for him if he can't be bothered to learn how to look after his own child for a day or two a week

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 13:57

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

So he then says I'm not listening to this ffs if your so perfect stay at home yourself and do it

Get rid of the man baby.

You brought this poor little baby into this world with a vile twat of a father. Your baby is in danger. Fucking do something about it .

Yes.

The OP seems very earnest and this is doubtless a horrible time for her, but for her son's sake she must face reality and do the difficult thing.

Swallow your pride, admit error and move on. Being "in love" is irrelevant now. Totally irrelevant. Your emotions are beside the point. To stay in this "relationship " is not fair to the baby or to the larger society that constantly has to deal with the fallout of shitty parenting.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 14/12/2020 14:01

What on earth have I just read OP?!

First - why are you paying for nursery yourself, not jointly?

Second - what the hell is wrong with your DP?

Third - do NOT risk your job by calling in sick when you're not, to cover for your utterly useless DP.

Seriously, I can't see this relationship lasting. He can't/won't even look after his own child for 1 day. He expects you to work, look after the baby, pay for nursery etc etc. What use is he? He just sounds like a massive jerk and liability.

MilerVino · 14/12/2020 14:09

So wish MNHQ could do something with threads like this - they will have an email - not sure there is much that can be done.

I wonder though - if they could act, what long-term effect would that have? It might be positive in this case, but if people think they are at risk of being reported to social services when they start a thread asking for help, might that put them off asking? Not sure, but just wondering about the bigger picture.

lemonsquashie · 14/12/2020 14:18

Sorry, you lost me after it's only been 2 days

He'll learn

TheTinsellyLovelinessOfDemons · 14/12/2020 14:18

This is all just common sense. He's not meeting his basic needs, and it doesn't occur to him that he has to. He's not a fit parent.

lemonsquashie · 14/12/2020 14:21

Some of your responses people. Honestly, so over the top.

It's only been two days! Give the man a chance!

He will be fine after time. He sounds like my OH. Bloody crap at first, but he got better

Rinoachicken · 14/12/2020 14:24

@MilerVino

They have done so in the past, with suicide threads for example.

PerveenMistry · 14/12/2020 14:26

@lemonsquashie

Sorry, you lost me after it's only been 2 days

He'll learn

The child is nine months old. An invested, loving, competent man would've "learned" on the same timetable as the infant's mother.
Rinoachicken · 14/12/2020 14:27

@lemonsquashie have you RTFT?

The dad is aggressive around the baby and resents and is angry AT the baby. How do you think it is that babies end up dead from being shaken just for a moment, usually by fathers with poor MH, drug use, young, inexperienced, ‘not coping’ all boxes that this man ticks.

His own sister won’t allow him to watch her own children because of his temper.

FFS

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 14/12/2020 14:29

My husband had no experience with babies at all before our first was born. He learnt very quickly, because he wanted to, because he's a good person, because he wants to be a father. I just asked him, if a newborn was screaming what would you check and he said well obviously all the basic needs, nappy, food, water, pain, comfort. This should be OBVIOUS!!! The fact your partner left your baby with no fluids all day is appalling and neglectful. It doesn't sound like he really wants to be a dad at all! And the fact that you're paying for nursery??! Why on earth is that not a joint household expense?

susandelgado · 14/12/2020 14:34

IMO the baby is in danger if you leave this man alone with him. He's not looking after the baby at all, is he?
My first LTB Angry

Thinkingg · 14/12/2020 14:36

I've read all your posts OP. I'm sorry but I think you need to leave this man. He's draining you financially and emotionally. He can't even provide basic care for his child. His throwing things and slamming of doors is unacceptable, it's not good for a child growing up around explosive anger.

MichelleofzeResistance · 14/12/2020 14:47

This is a safeguarding issue for MNHQ and needs to be reported as such.

You can talk to HQ about anything you think you need to without stating it in the thread and making a poster feel threatened and reported on, which is probably counter productive if you're concerned that the poster urgently needs help.

Potaoesgivemeheartburn · 14/12/2020 15:03

@MichelleofzeResistance

I should think with the posters here openly stating their attempts to report the OP she has most likely been frightened into hiding the thread, if not deleting her MN account, and wont engage further. Which denies her both the anonymous support here and the encouragement to take action, and may well also make her too afraid to access any real help in case they react in the same way. Probably not the most helpful thing to have done.
Well put. I’ve been thinking about this thread and the fact that she hasn’t come back .. if she does come back under a different name we must somehow make it easier for her to engage.

I think she’s convinced herself “he would never do anything like that” - harm baby - and is overloaded with the number of decisions she has to make, rapidly.
I’ve been praying for this baby (had an image of him in his high chair with his little head flopped forward, having cried himself to sleep).
I know that sounds sanctimonious but it’s such a bad situation and none of us can do a thing.

PuddyMuddles4 · 14/12/2020 15:03

@lemonsquashie

Some of your responses people. Honestly, so over the top.

It's only been two days! Give the man a chance!

He will be fine after time. He sounds like my OH. Bloody crap at first, but he got better

FFS @lemonsquashie - read TFT before you come out with nonsense like that!!
lemonsquashie · 14/12/2020 15:12

[quote Rinoachicken]@lemonsquashie have you RTFT?

The dad is aggressive around the baby and resents and is angry AT the baby. How do you think it is that babies end up dead from being shaken just for a moment, usually by fathers with poor MH, drug use, young, inexperienced, ‘not coping’ all boxes that this man ticks.

His own sister won’t allow him to watch her own children because of his temper.

FFS[/quote]
Where does it say he has shaken the baby? Apologies if it did.

oakleaffy · 14/12/2020 15:16

Oh dear....I too like many of you have been thinking of OP and her poor baby, wondering how she got on today.

Hope they are both safe.
It is an all too common scenario that women have babies with men who are not up to the role of 'Father'.

Not one knows beforehand how their DP will turn out... Some women think a baby will 'bring them round' , but if a relationship is ay all shaky, a baby will loosen the nuts completely.

Like PP, I too feared for the baby's safety.

A grim situation. Poor baby. Poor OP.

TheTinsellyLovelinessOfDemons · 14/12/2020 15:16

I'm an autistic mother to 2 children at home, the 9yo has ADHD. I've essentially been a single parent for 9 years. My husband has never lifted a finger to help with actual parenting. CAMHS and my therapist both agree that I can't do it by myself. Everyone else seems to blame me for DS2's "failures". I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll always be a single parent, but I need help from somewhere. DS2 and I will drive each other crazy.

oakleaffy · 14/12/2020 15:25

@TheTinsellyLovelinessOfDemons

I'm an autistic mother to 2 children at home, the 9yo has ADHD. I've essentially been a single parent for 9 years. My husband has never lifted a finger to help with actual parenting. CAMHS and my therapist both agree that I can't do it by myself. Everyone else seems to blame me for DS2's "failures". I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll always be a single parent, but I need help from somewhere. DS2 and I will drive each other crazy.
This has nothing to do with the original post of a woman worried about her situation??
queenofknives · 14/12/2020 15:40

I'd love for the OP to let us know how it's gone today. I think a lot of posters are just very worried about the situation. The people having a go at the OP are not helping. It's not your fault OP, you sound like you could do with a lot more support than you're getting. I think it's just that people are worried and wishing there was something we could do. Hopefully you are getting it sorted.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 14/12/2020 15:43

TheTinsellyLovelinessOfDemons if you want to chat about that more you might be better starting your own thread.

Like a couple of others, I'm worried OP gas been scared away. OP if you are reading, your babies well being and your own health need to take priority here. Please reach out to someone in real life before this gets even worse.

Topseyt · 14/12/2020 15:52

@lemonsquashie

Some of your responses people. Honestly, so over the top.

It's only been two days! Give the man a chance!

He will be fine after time. He sounds like my OH. Bloody crap at first, but he got better

Why should this fuckwit be given the chance to harm or at best neglect his baby even further? He is too dim to even realise that babies need fed, watered and changed and simply left the baby bawling and in distress all day.

He has also said to OP that he can't do this anymore, can't or won't guarantee that he will look after the baby properly when his days come around, wants to put baby in nursery on those days but won't pay towards it etc. All so that he can have "me" time when he isn't working.

He slams doors, flounces about in a temper, has called OP to come home from work too because the baby is crying and he is too fuckwitted to even try to find out why.

You want him to be given a chance when he is clearly a safeguarding risk to his baby??

Why recommend that that risk be taken?

AmberItsACertainty · 14/12/2020 15:54

@TheTinsellyLovelinessOfDemons

I'm an autistic mother to 2 children at home, the 9yo has ADHD. I've essentially been a single parent for 9 years. My husband has never lifted a finger to help with actual parenting. CAMHS and my therapist both agree that I can't do it by myself. Everyone else seems to blame me for DS2's "failures". I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll always be a single parent, but I need help from somewhere. DS2 and I will drive each other crazy.
I'm sorry you're having difficulties with your DC and your DH. I think you should start your own thread to get helpful replies to your situation. Flowers
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