Help DP "can't do this anymore"

[Snowfl]

I have returned to work so far only done two days and DP is struggling watching our baby. We both work 3 long days. Baby is at childcare one day a week which we both work so we both have him two days by ourselves and all three of us are together the other days. I have mainly been the main parent DP helps out the odd time but I've always found he has a short fuse and stresses easily. He's present in the room but not as hands on. I left him a rough routine written down as he requested and food left out labelled. So on day one of work I am pestered with multiple phone calls and texts. The baby hasn't stop crying he won't sleep. This is ridiculous I can't do this he's screaming and hitting the food away. When I get down to the nitty gritty of it turns out the baby hadnt slept and it was after 12 by this stage so to me he was hitting food away as he was too tired to eat and ended up sleeping in his high chair. Was behind on meals and over tired. DP then tells me he can't have DC the next day as he feels his mental health is going its too much with work and the baby. So I have to ring in sick for 5 days so he has a break!! This alone annoyed me I've basically done it myself for 9months where was my break??. I then resume work so on day two of him having the child alone I am again inundated with calls and texts. I get a phone call he's out for a walk it's half 1 the babies crying. I ask what's wrong he's crying he says idk he hasn't shut up he won't stop crying. So I ask well what time did he eat lunch and sleep is he tired? Turns out he hasn't had lunch as he was asleep. So basically he took him out at half 1 after a sleep for a walk and the child hasn't ate since half 7. Lunch is meant to be 11-12ish. I am not stuck in solid by routine I know things come up by didn't it click he should eat before he takes him out. I then get a text about 3 he's just ate two meals pretty much.then he rings me at 6 you need to get home now I can't do this anymore get home he's hitting the food away he's just crying he hadn't stopped all day he won't do anything I'm sick of this. So I try and calm DP down as he's shouting and slamming doors walking around the house. I said he's probably not hungry yet he ate at 3 had two meals or he's tired. DP insists I come home saying he's not doing this again. I end up in tears in work saying I don't feel like I can even leave DP with the baby what am I meant to do give up work? I run home and the baby is in his vest crying. The house is upside down things everywhere. He smiles when he sees me and stops. I then proceed to feed him and bath him. I ask DP did he have drinks with his meals - no he forgot. So perhaps he cried because he wanted a drink? So he didn't offer him a drink with any meals today as he forgot. How can someone forget to give their child water meaning all hes had is one bottle at 7am. This angers me even more. What am I to do? I don't want him in nursery anymore than necessary and I can't afford it as I pay for it myself. DP wants him in so he can have a day to himself in the house. I feel so let down that a grown man can't look after a baby. I'm meant to be in work tomorrow and dreading going in as Im expecting more phone calls and I hate the thought of my son crying away as dad hasn't put him to sleep or give him a drink. I manage fine he hasn't cried today and I've just done the usual fed and naps at the time I wrote down which DP wanted me to do. Help

Mumsnet Admin. Do you have a duty of care towards this ops baby?

Mumsnet Admin: Second what DrManhattan has posted.This sounds very concerning and urgent.

I flagged up to MN HQ last night without success :-(

I agree with everyone else. This man is a danger to your baby.
His mother saying “it’s just the crying he can’t stand” well all babies cry. I had a very good tempered baby, but she would cry when overtired, when her teeth were hurting, when she was feeling unwell. You cannot possibly leave a baby with a man who neglects a baby’s basic needs (no drink all day! Unbelievable) and then has a “short fuse” when that baby cries because he is thirsty and his dad is angry.
Why did you have a baby with him ? Because he sounds like a giant teenager not an adult man. Actually my friend’s six year old son knew that when his baby brother cried he might be thirsty, and would get him a drink, then if that failed chat to him and cuddle him, or offer a snack.
I agree with the pp who said they wouldn’t leave a dog with man like this never mind a baby.
You really do need to throw him out and get other sources of support, and make long term plans to move near to your own family. This is not going to get better with lists etc, you are never going to be able to trust him. He is feeble, incapable, and emotionally weak. He is dangerous.

I dread to think what is happening in the OP's home if she went to work.

That poor baby I so hope you didn't go to work today, I dread to think

Jesus Christ what a waste of space

This is shocking. I bet he made himself a cup of tea/coffee or a drink of water. How can he not realise the basics of looking after a baby FFS.

OP I really hope you have not gone to work and are in the process of sorting this out and keeping your baby safe away from this man. This is one of the most concering threads I have read on here.

I flagged up to MN HQ last night without success :-(

I think they switch to a nightwatch cover of volunteers who don't have the same user rights. The day shift might be able to help more?

I rarely ever say this, but LTB

Please leave, you and your baby will be so much happier I promise

Oh my god! No one, not even a stranger would let a child cry and not do something about it. I can't get passed him not giving his own child a drink! I bet he had plenty!

There is nothing in a woman's make up that means we are better at this stuff. My DF used to look after me all the time and did a really good job of it!

I would kick him out. Keep your job and get additional days at nursery for your little one.

OP give your head a wobble. This is an abusive situation he's either so unstable he's a danger to you and your child or he's so manipulative he's forcing you into leaving work. Both are abuse. Get out stay out as you would with a fire, you're fighting a fire here that'll only get worse if you carry on as you are.

The OPs immediate priority is to make sure Baby is safe And Then think about the bigger picture.
Maybe to see if her partner can stay with his mums to give her more time to sort this all out and so that she can find safe childcare to keep her job.
That’s quite a lot to deal with all at once and she needs a bit of space to think and come to terms with it all
It’s pointless at this stage asking why did she ever have a child with him. The way he’s behaved has clearly come as a shock.
Take things one step at a time OP and try to stay focused on making baby safe in the first instance.

I should think with the posters here openly stating their attempts to report the OP she has most likely been frightened into hiding the thread, if not deleting her MN account, and wont engage further. Which denies her both the anonymous support here and the encouragement to take action, and may well also make her too afraid to access any real help in case they react in the same way. Probably not the most helpful thing to have done.

Crossed post just to add that making baby safe means she needs to be safe as well

I really do hope OP and her baby are safely away from him.

Wow that makes me chilled. How terrifying for your baby to not have his needs met, and then to be subjected to tantrumming, banging and shouting from a grown man when he tries to get help.

Don't ever leave him alone with your baby again, please. The poor little thing.

@XingMing

With apologies to all feminists, and I am one, for some reason men do NOT understand the needs of new borns and small babies or young children. Before children are mobile, most men are useless at caring for them.

This is absolutely ridiculous, just because enough obviously have settled with a useless man doesn’t mean ‘most’ are like that.

So he then says I'm not listening to this ffs if your so perfect stay at home yourself and do it

Get rid of the man baby.

You brought this poor little baby into this world with a vile twat of a father. Your baby is in danger. Fucking do something about it .

He's a useless fucking fucker.
You need to honestly reconsider your future with this loser - how dare he both undermine your ability to work while at the same time saying he wants to drop a day at work himself, so he can have time to himself? I mean for FUCKS' sake, how fucking selfish can he be?!

You do need to get away from him, both for your own sanity and for your baby's safety. If his own sister won't allow him to mind her kid(s) then I wouldn't be leaving your baby with him again either. The thing is that the baby will pick up on the aggression, whether or not it's directed straight at him - and it will make him scared, and he'll cry more, which will aggravate the situation more. You run the risk of this fucker either hurting the baby, or going off and leaving him in a dangerous situation - neither of which is going to be good.

Please just sort things out, go back to your parents/mum/whomever and work out how you can get a new job and a new place to live before something awful happens.

And do not leave the baby with this twat. I'm sorry to be so rude, I expect you do still love him but honest to god, I've seldom heard anything as pathetic as his "reasons" why he can't possibly look after his own son.

Ugh. Nothing attractive there.

This is a safeguarding issue for MNHQ and needs to be reported as such.

I have to agree with all the previous posters advising to give him the boot. He's not capable of being a father to your baby, and in your position I wouldn't leave the baby alone with him. You said you'd be better off with UC than him in the house, financially - so there's your answer. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by keeping him around. Get rid of him, get nursery care, and enjoy your career and child. No, it won't be easy, especially at first, but it will be easier than this. If you really want to move back home eventually, that's a great goal. Set a time horizon of a year or so, and do some leisurely job hunting when all this has settled down. This is the advice I would offer a friend.

Very worryingly, I don't think the OP is reading any more. Either because she is at work, has hidden the thread or some other reason. I hope she has not left her 'DP' to look after their baby today but I fear she has.

OP won't be reading - or if she is, the fact that she's not commenting speaks volumes.

So wish MNHQ could do something with threads like this - they will have an email - not sure there is much that can be done.

Agree that later posts make it clear that the baby is at risk and SS need to be involved.