h went to strip club - thread 2

[porcelaine]

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

I know you feel sad that he hasnt even bothered, but given you didnt jump to his last threat, I cannot see that in reality he would have added anything positive to your life at this point.

Have a restful break at your sisters. Dont forget to photograph every room before you leave, if you can time stamp them thats even better. That way you have some comeback if he steals or damages anything.

I really think he hasn't contacted because he still thinks you'll be panicking that he's gone and hasn't been in touch and you will cave and contact him. He's doing it on purpose. Continue to ignore is my advice

@inanotherlifetimeok

I really think he hasn't contacted because he still thinks you'll be panicking that he's gone and hasn't been in touch and you will cave and contact him. He's doing it on purpose. Continue to ignore is my advice

This.

He's an awful man who couldn't give a real damn about you or his kids.

All he's trying to do is play chicken with you.

Stay strong. You have this.

He is expecting you to fold and not cope without him. I’m guessing that’s what you have done before - run after him and begged forgiveness, even though he’s the arse

Yeah he'l be doing the dramatic 'vanish over christmas' piece.

@porcelaine hope you’re feeling better than you were and kept away from reading his messages.

Thinking of you @porcelaine

Hope you’re all right and you made it through Christmas @porcelaine. The first Christmas can be so difficult (you’re desperate for your ex to care, but also it would make it so much harder) so I hope all went well at your sister’s.

I’m picturing him rocking up tomorrow with a piece of vellum with a separation form printed on it.

hoping your xmas was ok considering

hi,
sorry for the silence, it's definitely been a bit of a weird Christmas. I haven't felt very sad, but I have felt very much like a fish out of water and thank god for my sister, her h and her kids who have given me and dc an amazing xmas and just as much as they've treated us, the kids being able to play etc has given me some much needed space to try and process what has happened.
I still feel kind of disbelieving. I haven't responded directly to any comms since the last one about 10 days ago when he responded by accusing me of being such an abusive spouse he was in fear and had to leave. he sent me a long email just before xmas saying we should have one more try, with marriage counselling, to talk about and "finally resolve" all our issues, but I just dont feel the desire to do it any more. I haven't missed HIM - I have found it very hard, especially with a friend of mine getting engaged the other day, to get my head around being single, and I am anxious about what it means for me - I have had a couple more bad panic attacks at night. but I still dont want him back. the way he left and split our lives, so suddenly, after what he did is just unforgivable to me. he said in his email the strip club "should not end a marriage" and im like, I agree- but you're actually still minimising the impact that had on me in itself, and also, why do you get to tell me what boundaries I should have for a marriage... and finally, yes, that didnt end our marriage. him leaving in the night right before xmas taking half the money and saying he's not coming back did.
but I have decided to withdraw from comms because it just is too much stress and heartache. he was not able to come back today as where his parents live is now under lockdown (to be honest, I think we are both relieved about that. im not there anyway, I'm at my sisters elsewhere in England.) I dont know when he will be able to come back for his stuff but he transferred half the rent to me so I will store it if he does that.
I have transferred all the joint account direct debits to my bank account, and contacted a solicitor for a first hour of advice in the new year. I want to ensure that financially I dont get screwed.
I am trying to keep a level head but honestly, inside I am screaming a lot of the time. now xmas dust has settled, today is the hardest day. I feel very low. I dont know whether its normal to feel so much of a failure. like ive failed dc, ive failed both our families, ive failed myself and there must be something missing in me because I dont want my husband back. I feel bleak and am constantly questioning my decisions and the truth of what has happened, but the one thing I know is real is the effect he has had on me for a long time, how panicked I get when he threatens to leave or stonewalls, and how guilty I feel about the effect on the dc.
any support would be much appreciated as I go forward, as I am trying not to talk about this much in rl except a couple of times while ive been here, I just try and keep busy and not obsess over it.
hope you all had a good xmas too

Hi OP glad to hear you got through Christmas OK and that you were so well supported by family.

The emotions you're experiencing are entirely natural: you're grieving for the end of something you've been heavily invested in for years. But it sounds as if you know deep down that you're doing the right thing.

Just to say keep on keeping on: remember its natural to feel heartbroken, panicky and sometimes lonely but that doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. His behaviour has been an absolute disgrace from start to finish and the fact that he's still trying to guilt you now should be the final nail in the coffin. As you very rightly say its not for him to determine what your boundaries are in the relationship.

You point out that while you are questioning what you're doing, you're not questioning the impact his behaviour has had on you and I think you need to hold onto that and remember that you have a right not to feel like that.

Good luck over the next few days and if you don't want to speak to people IRL keep posting on here.

Not sure if you've already covered it but make sure you have your money in your personal account and not the shared account so he cant take it.

Glad you're staying strong, he's really on top form with his manipulating texts

I don't know if I said it earlier on this thread OP, or your first one, but the roller coaster of emotions you are going through is perfectly normal. You'll swing from anger, disbelief, fear, relief...and back again. Perfectly normal.
Actually for what it's worth, I think you're doing very well and handling it well.
Good to hear that you're talking to a solicitor soon.
Keep going, keep posting if it helps.
Glad your sis and her family supported you over the Xmas break.
Take care.

OP,
You are making good choices for a better future.
Of course it is hard.

But you are a good woman who knows the right thing to do for her children.
He is not a good and decent man or father.
You know that.

He's a bully who wants you ground down and obedient, taking any shit behaviour he deals out.

You deserve better.
You know you do.

Stay strong.
Your future self will thank you so much for the strength you are displaying today, as will your children.

Well done OP for being such a strong lady you're doing brilliantly. Of course it's absolutely normal to feel the way you do - you've absolutely made the right choice. On top of everything else he's done he's gone on to accuse YOU of being abusive. He's not a good person OP. Awful in fact. I've no words to describe what a low life he is and you deserve so much more.

he texted me tonight saying can we talk on the phone but I only just picked it up. it literally made me feel so anxious and obligated which is something I haven't dealt with since ive been at my sisters. its like, when someone is SAYING they want to give you space, they love you, they want to fix things, but the FEELING you get is that they are pressuring you and you have to say yes and what will happen if you dont say yes... like will they get angry. that's the reality, isn't it? how he makes me feel when we communicate now, not the things he's saying.
I dont know if that makes sense but trying to understand why he makes me feel so anxious just from a simple text like that.

@porcelaine

he texted me tonight saying can we talk on the phone but I only just picked it up. it literally made me feel so anxious and obligated which is something I haven't dealt with since ive been at my sisters. its like, when someone is SAYING they want to give you space, they love you, they want to fix things, but the FEELING you get is that they are pressuring you and you have to say yes and what will happen if you dont say yes... like will they get angry. that's the reality, isn't it? how he makes me feel when we communicate now, not the things he's saying. I dont know if that makes sense but trying to understand why he makes me feel so anxious just from a simple text like that.

God you are so in touch with your feelings and self aware and you aren't giving yourself enough credit for it!!!

Exactly what you said is happening. Exactly.

It's like when someone screams at you in an argument, relentlessly (hi, ex abuser!) then says "ok, you talk then!" when you ask to speak. Making THEM the reasonable one making a concession.

He is trying to make you feel he's being reasonable by showing a semblance, a minute, vanishingly small, absolute minimum physically possible effort to reduce his level of Being A Massive Cunt ™️ - that you should be grateful he deigns you, the mother of the children he fucked off from just before Christmas, with HIS willingness to be vaguely nice to you when discussing his transgressions.

He is such a massively insufferable wankstain that I feel as excited for you as I would for a friend IRL that in a few months you'll be free of his bullshit and thinking my god I pity the next woman he gets involved with.

You sound ace. Strong, together, resourceful, funny. He's a garden variety, average as fuck, sleazy dickhead. He's not even clever enough to be an evil psychopath you know? He's just a wanker who lost a great woman.

I'm excited for your future. Free of him and his vagina sealing ick level

It's unbelievable that he hasn't bothered to check what you were doing for Christmas and if your DC had a nice time. That says it all.

Talk to him on your own terms, not on his.

I agree with the above poster, OP - your assessment of what's really happening is accurate. It's very hard when you've got used to accepting a partner's version of truth as the household reality, but then they push it too far and you realise that they are not actually reliable at all. That's really horribly unsettling and it will take you a while to adjust, I'm afraid.

It’s upsetting and unsettling even when you break up with someone who hasn’t done anything wrong but you just feel incompatible so it’s not surprising that this is an emotional wrench for you given how awfully he has treated you and that you are married. The ‘abusive relationship’ claim really does show his true colours. What a nasty, manipulative piece of work. Keep reminding yourself that ending things with him now leaves you free to find a much better and happier relationship with someone who doesn’t stonewall you and try to blame you for his own failure to be a decent husband or make you continually feel this guilty, anxious and upset. He didn’t treat you well when he had you. He’s more than had his chance. He’ll never treat you any better than now when he’s trying to win you back and he’s just called you abusive so that proves you are absolutely doing the right thing to refuse to take any more of his shitty treatment of you. Nobody gets to treat you this way, OP, married or not.

I think that when you have had some space, and start to come back to yourself, that it shows exactly that your assessment is right if it makes you jumpy and edgy when he makes contact

if you were still involved with him, you would have pushed down those feelings, or have become so numb to them that they would be your normal

now you have had some distance you are having a normal reaction and are responding to it. Your body knows he is dangerous to you - to your wellbeing - and it is responding accordingly.

He seems very keen on the idea of what should and shouldnt end a marraige. Who does he think is the judge of this exactly? its more manipulation. You can end the marraige for any reason you like, but for whats its worth being miserable is a very good reason.

Just wanted to say that what you are feeling now is perfectly normal in the circumstances. The panic and feeling like you aren't ready is entirely usual. Remember you have been in an abusive relationship, you probably didn't really think you were at the time but it's true and it can take a while for you to regain your balance and realise that what you have been living through is not normal. You sound like a fantastic mum and your life will be much better for getting rid of the abusive arsehole. Well done for having a lovely Christmas with your family.

He will try every trick in the book. He will blame you, and say it was your fault. You were distant, argumentative, abusive or whatever else he knows will hurt you most. Just remember that's what abusers do, they transfer their guilt and blame onto the innocent party.

Get legal advice and don't sign anything until you have done so. Make sure you have your important documents like passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate (need to produce it to divorce) etc in a safe place so he can't take them.

With regard to the panic attacks, they lessen in time as your body recovers from constantly being in fight or flight mode.

hope you are well op and moving forward