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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

h went to strip club - thread 2

353 replies

porcelaine · 13/12/2020 10:33

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 18/12/2020 20:32

Surely signing a separation form is like eating a meal while your takeaways en route.

Also, who’s paying for it?.

billy1966 · 18/12/2020 20:36

Well done OP.
Contacting the landlord is a priority.

You can always set up an email for future contact.

You can definitely do this.

Original poster
porcelaine · 18/12/2020 22:25

anyone have any tips for managing panic attacks because I am going through it right now. I have had these before but in this case it came on quite sudden and my throat is dry and feels like its weirdly closing up. its the first one ive had since all of this kicked off and its really horrible.

OP posts:
ContessaDiPulpo · 18/12/2020 22:28

Lie on your back, breathe slowly and calmly. Focus on your breathing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/12/2020 22:33

You poor thing OP, so many of us are willing you on and sending you love from wherever we are based.

For panic attacks I find the 54321 grounding technique helpful - I tend to call bullshit on things until I try them which is very bad of me but this technique surprised me as I think it calms and also distracts me.

My phone is being a pain and won't upload pics so here a quick rundown in a link: amindfulemergence.com/5-4-3-2-1-method-to-reduce-anxiety/

Catmaiden · 18/12/2020 22:34

Count your breaths, in is 1, out is 2, in is 3, out is 4, etc, up to 10, then start over
Calm and Headspace are amazing apps, both have free starter stuff and even if you don't pay to sign up, you can still use the free stuff.

SunscreenCentral · 18/12/2020 22:38

As just above poster said
On your back, on the floor, arms legs slightly spread
Try to think of your bones all down your body to the back of your hands softening to the floor
Breathe through your nose
Long slow inhales
Try to hold for a beat or two, slow release through your nose
Again inhale slowly building the time to hold, and slowly release
Soften your tongue in your jaw
For about as many repeats as you need xx

justilou1 · 18/12/2020 22:39

Yes... this is an exercise I was taught to manage mine. I practice this several times a day so that I can call on this exercise if I have a panic attack in public or in the car (hasn’t happened, luckily), etc...
Say these out loud until you have the hang of it. It’s a really handy meditation for grounding yourself.
5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.
4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. ...
3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. ...
2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. ...
1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste.

TyneTeas · 18/12/2020 23:07

this free app from Bristol University for anxiety is quite helpful

www.sam-app.org.uk/

Good luck OP Flowers

user1471565182 · 19/12/2020 00:48

I lie in a totally darkened room under all my really warm reindeer furs when I have panic attacks until I warm up, Usually go to sleep after that and wake up better

Boonlark · 19/12/2020 08:23

Focus on taking 10 breaths. Taking longer to breathe out then when breathing in.

Also grounding yourself can really help: using your senses to notice what's around you; what you can see, touch, hear, smell and imagining something you could taste.

MusicTeacherSussex · 19/12/2020 15:40

Hope you're okay today OP and you've found a way to block him out

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/12/2020 22:57

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you OP - no pressure to reply so don't worry about doing so at all unless you want / need to, just didn't want you to think people had forgotten about you! Thanks

Original poster
porcelaine · 21/12/2020 00:35

Hi all, I’m ok. I feel kind of sad and in disbelief that h has not contacted me despite the fact we are now in tier 4 and could be stranded on our own for Xmas. I’m still going to my sisters with the kids as we don’t have another support bubble but he hasn’t even shown any care- his mum messaged me but not him. I don’t want contact I guess I just can’t believe how cold he is. He has Xmas done for him by his parents and is with his brother who lives there, I’m limping through the last couple days wfh with kids, and I can’t get remotely excited about anything. I guess like a lot of things he’s done it speaks to his character.
I’ve had a lot of anxiety and panic lately now it’s sunk in that I’m gonna be on my own, but the tips suggested have helped a lot, so thank you.
With a bit of distance (2 weeks now) I can’t really believe I let him back.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 21/12/2020 01:49

Oh op. I'm sorry. You really dont want him contacting you. You think you do...but if he was still texting it would be worse.
You will feel as though you are grieving a loss. The silence will be deafening at times but please do anything to distract yourself from thinking about him or wanting him to contact you.
You will find no comfort in him.

You have a real chance here to get away from him and his lies.
I'm glad you can still go to your sister for Christmas,use this time to start thinking less and less about him and more and more about the practicalities of your new life.

You will look back on this when you're settled and thank yourself profusely for not allowing yourself to be abused. Flowers

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2020 01:51

I really hope you start to feel a little bit better op and hope you can find a little Christmas joy and excitement somewhere along the way x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/12/2020 02:11

Remember you're not on your own long term - you have your lovely kids (who are less stressed in general now he's gone), your friends and family. You've done so well and honestly I know in three months or so you'll be SO proud of yourself for not caving Thanks

prawntoastie · 21/12/2020 03:37

He's very manipulative. Your relationship is shit because of him not you.
The issue is if you let him back he likely will do it again and it will hurt more because he already showed you who he was.

RightYesButNo · 21/12/2020 04:51

I think you’ll feel much better and stronger for it once you get to your sister’s and he’s not allowed to intrude on you like he has been. You desperately need a Christmas break from all his shite, and I think you’ll find your spirits life some and your panic attacks go down a bit once you’re with other adults, who know you personally, and who are telling you this isn’t your fault.

Yeahnahmum · 21/12/2020 05:02

Op you are not allone at Christmas. You have kids. And there couldn't be a better blessing

You are so fucking strong. Like an ox. Enjoy christmas through the hearts and eyes of your kids. Look at them and know and feel how much you are surrounded by love. You are the world to them. You are loved.

You will be ok again
But it will take time. Get a diary and start writing all your anger and frustration in it. And panic attacks can be managed also by cuddles. Hug yourself or gettinf a hug. Also a weighted blanket can work miracles.
You are doing great. You are not allone

BuffaloMozzerella · 21/12/2020 09:23

It's no surprise he's vanished just as life gets a little harder for you. This is all part of it unfortunately. He won't want to be in T4 (I presume he's in a different tier) so he will go quiet as and when it benefits him.

People like him are driven by their own needs - and that is all. All is fine while you are making him feel
Good but as soon as this stops or changes they run around like mad trying to find another person or situation to make them feel good.

You can guarantee he will pop up when he needs something. And then it will be all your fault for not providing it immediately.

NotAnotherUserNumber · 21/12/2020 10:19

I just want to send you my love and best wishes for you and your children. I know this doesn’t mean much coming from a total stranger, but I know there are many of us following your posts and collectively wishing you well from afar.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 10:45

Just a thought.

If he can come back when you're not there, have you got all your documents, private stuff etc, safe?

I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him.

You are doing really well. KOKO. 2021 will be a better year for you

78percentLindt · 21/12/2020 11:46

Agree with Nanny.
Put your valuable docs, birth certs,marriage cert, bank details and copies of current statements, pension details (his) anything of sentimental value together and take to your sisters. Seriously think about leaving them with her.
Might be worth downloading his messages and printing them off and adding to the package.
Also, change your wifi password and admin codes. If you do it, he can't!
If you can , open a bank account with a different bank/building society and transfer your half of the savings there. He isn't playing fair, so the money may disaapear.

GabsAlot · 21/12/2020 12:49

keep going op go to your sisters she can be your support bubble just t5ry and get through this one day at a time