h went to strip club - thread 2

[porcelaine]

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

He is rewriting it to make it FICTION.

Guess what? What he thinks doesn't fucking matter! He was a miserable prick to live with and now you don't have to any more.

This is manipulative emotional abuse. Delete it, it's gibberish!

Hes just following the script and rewriting history. You didn't expect him to do that but he did, they all do.

Block his number and ask a trusted friend to act as a go-between.

Why does he get to be right? Why do his words become the truth? Why does he get to define you and who you are?

If you were genuinely that awful OP he wouldn't be trying to mess with your head like this in order to convince you to take him back.

The fact that you're not bending to his will is clearly pissing him off and so he is lashing out and he is being emotionally abusive.

You've been the adult looking after the kids, adulting etc. He chose to fuck about go to a strip club, walk out etc.

If things were that bad why didn't he talk to you before hand? I suspect because he is just throwing up rubbish at this point to make you feel bad.

His messages just show his desperation and that's because he knows he's to blame.

He doesn't sound like a kind, committed partner who you'd enjoy the rest of your life with...and this was a second chance from his abuse.

He hasn't got your back when it comes down to it and he's trying to beat you down and bombard you into submission....so he can have you walking on eggshells.

Everything you're feeling is normal and understandable OP. But if you take him back after this he will know he can get away with anything.

He just sounds fucking horrible.

And how confusing is this for your kids? Have him gone and stay gone. Do them a favour. They do not deserve to grow up watching their mum be unhappy with s selfish, unpleasant prick.

You can do it!
(Please excuse all the swearing)

Of course he has. Why are you so frightened of him? You have been carrying his arse for so long? Get ANGRY!!! Use that energy to properl yourself forward and away from this parasite of a man.

Oh OP, I said days ago that he would try and get in your head and mess with it so stop reading his messages and only communicate about the kids. It looks like he's achieving his objective, doesn't it?
I know this is really hard, my ex re-wrote history because he couldn't cope with the truth of his inexcusable treatment of me. It's what they do. It's so predictable it's boring. You can't control what he does, but please choose not to respond. Tell him to contact you via email about the kids, and block him on your phone.
You're reacting to his crap, and questioning yourself. Bingo! He's hit the jackpot, got what he wanted. Please listen to those of us who have been there.

And you can't avoid the pain of this - but you're in it now, so just go through it, and get out the other side. It's awful, I know. But the alternative is, you have him back, go through all the pain of knowing you're living a lie and papering over the cracks, then, you get your current pain again, when it finishes again. Because he'll break you my love. You need to be strong to do this, but you'd need to be extremely strong and resilient to survive having him back and then doing it at a later date.
I wish you well.

Don't engage with the messages OP. You're doing so well. One day you will get through this. He, not you, deserves the guilt and shame. Keep going. Keep posting.

The best way out is through was my mantra once upon a time.

It’ll be a suicide threat next.

If you’re that bad why did he marry you and want to hang onto you? Why has he left his kids in your care?.

You can have him arrested for harassment by text message, we had dhs ex arrested.

I've got to the point with my STBXH where I say well yes all this terrible behaviour on my part I can see that it's the correct thing to do to split now for sure
He's not going to be logical or reasonable OP
Let it blow through you - try and detach and see it from above

What's that saying? When you're going through hell, keep going.

If you were genuinely that awful OP he wouldn't be trying to mess with your head like this in order to convince you to take him back.

This with bells on. If challenged he'll say its for the sake of the kids and then act all noble though.

It's not for the sake of the kids. He wants to come back because he has realised he has fucked up and is panicking, but can't admit he's fucked up (to either you or himself) and so has created a warped narrative where this is all somehow your fault. It isn't.

If you still feel compelled to read his bullshit texts just reply "I'm sorry you feel that way" like a broken record. There is a lot of informative videos on YouTube about how to deal with manipulative people and narcissistic abuse. These texts are abusing you. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and ignore

Or, don't respond at all.
You responding in any way is win for him.
Just block, ignore.
I went no contact with ex, and only emailed about the kids.
It saved my sanity.

You're the writer yeah? Well, he's spinning his own work of fiction right now OP. Let him. Don't rise to the bait.

Op I'm sorry, I've been thru similar, he's trying to hurt you, to deflect.

It's a complete head fuck and makes you question everything about yourself. It's very very hard to accept but trying to understand my ex husband's words and hate drove me so far down.
It's nasty and childish, and from here on in you're going to have to navigate thru his vitriol and batshit thinking.

Concentrate on your love for your kids, you'll have to be very mindful not to let him fuck with your integrity and your sense of what's best for YOU.
Just reading about him taking to his bed sulking made me so cross.

His actions have now garnered consequences, and he doesn't like it.

You're going to have to let his ridiculous behaviour bounce off you.
Honestly, picture a protective bubble around you.
Let any stupid hurtful lies bounce off.

You need your strength of mind.

Stupid fucking man.

Xx

@porcelaine

I opened his message. He just said it takes 2 to wreck a marriage, that he hopes my rage keeps me warm at night and that I’m happy on top of my high horse. I feel shit.

What an utter shit.

Op, he's actually making this easier for you, if you can let him. Yes, reading those words give you an immediate emotional reaction, but let them settle and what he's saying is "Porcelain, look at what an utter bastard I am!!! Give in now and be stuck with me forever!"

I posted thinking it couldn't get any worse in a matter of hours, then read your update.

I've never heard of DAVRO but what he's doing seems to be textbook. You're in a spin because you know what he's saying is not true and doesn't reflect reality. He's turning things on their head to puzzle and confuse you: gaslighting.

He's "going there" because he's getting increasingly desperate - you're consistently not reacting the way he wants so he's trying new levels of manipulation and pushing new buttons. This is just ever more proof that he is not someone you deserve to be stuck with for eternity.

It's not about who's right or wrong. This is about you making a decision about what you want the rest of your life to be. If the strip club was fixable, and the lies weren't enough, he's now cementing himself as an abusive man child and showing you that he is just not a safe person to be in an intimidate relationship with anymore.

I really am not a LTB type, but I have experience of this and I feel every shard of your pain and anger. I am sorry this is happening but I'm also gobsmacked he's making himself look so bloody awful.

If he does believe you are the abusive manipulator he says you are then you're not right together anyway.

The sooner he realises this is happening (and he will, and he may or may not realise, in the cold light of day, how much of this he is directly responsible for) the sooner your life will become exponentially easier xxxx

God, this reminds me of an ex. I really couldn't see it at the time but he made me out to be the awful person when actually it was him. Abuse, gaslighting, the lot. It actually made me seriously mentally ill in the end. These men are NOT worth people like you and I.

If you must respond, just write “Ok” and see what diatribe that invokes. Then see who exactly is abusive

@justilou1

If you must respond, just write “Ok” and see what diatribe that invokes. Then see who exactly is abusive

I don't think I'd say OK, because it could be interpted as an admission of guilt. I'd probably ignore, but if I had to respond, it'd be along the lines of .

Whoops, wrong emoji. It'd be . It'd be single emoji based.

He left because he knows it will scare the shit out of you and he will get you back into your box. Honestly OP, I can't believe you're falling for this reverse psychology shit.
If you take him back you deserve everything you get.

You know what, even if you HAD been in a rage, it was perfectly justified.

And its not emotional or verbal abuse to hold someone accountable for dispicable behaviour

He left because his usual threat of leaving hadnt made you STFU, and he gambled on the fact of him walking out of the door would be the thing to terrify you into backing down, because he believes you will do anything to avoid the marriage break up, and he is playing on that need in you to avoid abandonment.

It seems from previous posts that this is an ongoing thing - from his threats to leave right at the start of the marriage, he likes to keep you scared and this has gradually worn you down, as you have let him get away with alot in order to avoid his threats.

Even when you kicked him out in the summer, he has viewed coming back not as a last chance, but as proof that he can behave how he wants and you will take him back. He probably thought you were getting a bit too confident, what with your book writing and everything, a bit too comfortable in the marriage, so needed something to knock you back into place. Because men like this dont want their wives doing well and being self confident. He wants you doubting and scared that he might leave, because like that he can behave how he likes and have nobody to answer to.

he has even said it. If he comes back you need to stop all your 'behaviour' - all your questioning, all your anger, all your writing, all your everything. Just be quiet and complient and a nice wifey. And he is not to blame at all, because he uttered the words 'Im sorry' and that should be that.

Not an example to set your children. Not if you dont want to watch them follow the same patterns of behaviours into their own relationships.