h went to strip club - thread 2

[porcelaine]

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

Op you sound like you are emotionally unavailable and you checked out of your marriage a while ago. Probably because of him and the way he treats you (I don't blame you at all)

You need to start carving out a life for you & your children now. Leave him behind. You deserve better!

Jeez, the only alternative to pandering to a man's needs, isn't writing a book FFS. There is substantial middle ground you know? The middle ground where marriages work for both parties.
There is no where near enough info on these threads to determine all of the factors that lead to the breakdown of the marriage, but i would bet good money the commencement of the book and the selfish behaviour of the H are not unrelated.

Fulltimeyummy

Porcelaine is working full time, has 2 young children and does the bulk of keeping the family running. Presumably like many many families today her family needs 2 incomes to survive. How does snatching the odd 2 hours for a personal interest equate to "being to busy to make time her her marriage"?

And frankly even if it were the reason, why is his her fault? Why should a woman dumb herself down, because her husband is threatened by her abilities? It's not a case of her being too much, but of him being not enough.

Why blame the victim ? Is it because you don't feel fulfilled?

He's a twat who can't face up to responsibility, OP. He's immature and selfish, and imo any man who pays money to see women perform in a sexual manner is a fucking misogynist too.

The fact that he feels it's ok to spend family money to look big in front of his friends shows how little he cares about his family imo.

He doesn't resent you because you're writing a book, he resents you because you're an adult and you expect him to act like an adult too. He can't act like an adult, because he's a manchild and when you point this out, he can't hack it.

Stick to your guns, OP and go and see a solicitor after Christmas. Get all the paperwork you can (bank statements for individual and joint a/c's, tenancy agreement, payslips etc). Go on one of the benefit calculators and see if you're entitled to Universal Credit now that you just have one income. Check with the CMS calculator how much maintenance he should pay (assuming that you know how much he earns) and ask him to set up a standing order for it.

You deserve better. Don't let this manchild continue his pathetic behaviour. You sound really together and streets ahead of him in terms of how you conduct your life.

Good luck.

OP you deserve better than this and there is absolutely no reason why you should feel guilty. However, I understand you'll be very emotionally overwhelmed and you're probably struggling to think straight. Go easy on yourself, you're going through a shit situation and doing your best.
Hope your DC are okay, and you come out of this with a lovely, stable life.

Having read your other thread it strikes me that if it wasn't the strip club, another trigger for divorce would've presented itself and that you've been battling to maintain a marriage that's been over for a while now. The strip club isn't the cause of you splitting, it's just the latest in a long line of symptoms. It's horrible and sad but hopefully once the initial shock and anger on both sides has worn off, you'll be able to split amicably for the sake of your DC.

Perhaps I wasn't clear. The OP is the victim of Husband's behaviour, they are both the victim of the failed marriage. Laying 100% of the blame for the failed marriage at the door of H is likely to be inaccurate.

If is absolutely Porcelaine's choice is she chooses to spend a significant proportion of her free time on her hobby. It is her husbands choice to take issue with that if he chooses. Look at all the hate on here for men who play golf for example.

It is not clear why the ill feelings werent communicated in the run up to the strip club, but as said, the strip club etc. Is a symptom, not the cause.

@FullTimeYummy

Perhaps I wasn't clear. The OP is the victim of Husband's behaviour, they are both the victim of the failed marriage. Laying 100% of the blame for the failed marriage at the door of H is likely to be inaccurate.

If is absolutely Porcelaine's choice is she chooses to spend a significant proportion of her free time on her hobby. It is her husbands choice to take issue with that if he chooses. Look at all the hate on here for men who play golf for example.

It is not clear why the ill feelings werent communicated in the run up to the strip club, but as said, the strip club etc. Is a symptom, not the cause.

Well if you bothered to read the previous thread, they had already split up due to issues previously, then got back together with a plan of action to be kinder and communicate. And then he went and fucked it up with his abhorrent, misogynist and gaslighting behaviour. So maybe stop obsessing over a book and think a little more sensibly about your contribution to the thread of a woman who is in the midst of a marriage breakdown.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You've put fingers to keyboard without understanding what I have posted

Ignore the troll OP. And welcome back.

Yes absolutely - you deserve a man of better character. So do your children. You KNOW this deep down, it’s your survival instinct kicking in, but sometimes it takes time for the emotions / feelings to catch up, if that makes sense.

As women we are conditioned to feel guilt. To carry the needs and emotional well-being of others on top of our own. You are not alone there. But there is a line. And he’s gone way way way beyond what anyone should ever have to contend with in a relationship.

What strikes me when you write about him is that he sounds like a child. He is all over the place. But THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You have time on your side, you really do. I remember feeling old when I turned 30, but now I’m in my late 40s, I look back and laugh at that. I’m sure you will look back on this In the future with clarity and retrospect and see it for the emotional abuse that it is. You really will get there.

In the meantime, just be kind to yourself. Reach out to people. Counselling can be fantastic too. Your kids will be fine because they have a great mum.

I don’t think a significant amount of time is a couple of hours last thing at night or the odd time on a weekend. I can’t remember the last time I had a night out with friends. I basically don’t do anything outside the house without him or dc. I used to be a playwright but I decided to start a book because I was desperate to write again and theatre stuff would be more incompatible with my family life (at least how I used to do it). Dc know I’m writing a book and they show interest, they say they’re proud. It is by no means acceptable to me that h acts out or is unhappy because I’m writing a book.

@FullTimeYummy

Hi Porcelaine , you may not have expected your husband to resent you, but i think such undertakings do carry that risk. Whilst H is clearly in the wrong with the strip club debacle, it is presumably a symptom of the true problem, part of which, i suspect, is you being to busy to make time for your marriage. That's your decision, but I think it would be disingenuous to think that a 'decent man' would have no problem with you poring a significant amount of time into a hobby.

Sorry but NO

Anyone man or woman is entitled to some free time doing what the heck they want. If the OP wants to write in the evening, only a fool would berate her for spending her free time the way she wants to.

The OP is entitled for some time for herself wo her partner getting ressentful.

@FullTimeYummy

Perhaps I wasn't clear. The OP is the victim of Husband's behaviour, they are both the victim of the failed marriage. Laying 100% of the blame for the failed marriage at the door of H is likely to be inaccurate.

If is absolutely Porcelaine's choice is she chooses to spend a significant proportion of her free time on her hobby. It is her husbands choice to take issue with that if he chooses. Look at all the hate on here for men who play golf for example.

It is not clear why the ill feelings werent communicated in the run up to the strip club, but as said, the strip club etc. Is a symptom, not the cause.

I agree with this.

[quote FullTimeYummy]@youvegottenminuteslynn

You've put fingers to keyboard without understanding what I have posted[/quote]
I'm ignoring you derailing now as OP needs support not bizarre tangents.

Full-time Yummy - I have no idea what your agenda is today but this lady has been through hell and what she does not need now is people such as you adding to her (misplaced) guilt and trauma. Read the previous thread and wake up fgs..

@FullTimeYummy

Perhaps I wasn't clear. The OP is the victim of Husband's behaviour, they are both the victim of the failed marriage. Laying 100% of the blame for the failed marriage at the door of H is likely to be inaccurate.

If is absolutely Porcelaine's choice is she chooses to spend a significant proportion of her free time on her hobby. It is her husbands choice to take issue with that if he chooses. Look at all the hate on here for men who play golf for example.

It is not clear why the ill feelings werent communicated in the run up to the strip club, but as said, the strip club etc. Is a symptom, not the cause.

What?!?

A couple of hours at home in the evening Is nowehere comparable to a full half day or day playing golf (or cycling and football)
Most people would watch TV for those two hours.
Are You Serioulsy saying it’s normal and ok to be resentful of that too? Or is it just writing? Maybe because it’s weird and too intellectual maybe?

Indeed, how dare a woman allocate a couple of hours a day to herself. She should be at her husband's and children's beck and call 24/7. Poor man, having to shift for himself for two hours a night.

Everything you say about him just sounds awful. Why would you have him back just so he can be horrible to live with for the next 40 years.

It doesn’t matter if she was writing 10 books. A creep is a creep. Some posters on here obviously have very low and strange standards, it would seem.

“Oh look, H has been paying for strippers. That’ll be because of my book writing ..., “

“Oh look, he’s been in more strip clubs and what’s this? Receipts for escorts... Must try harder, he says I’m not there for him. Yes it’s my fault for going to work and not giving him enough focus probably.., I’ll hand in my notice tomorrow...”

“Oh look he’s been arrested for picking up hookers.... If only I’d never refused sex this would never have happened. Maybe it’s because I put in weight after the kids as well.... It’s all my fault...”

Stop wittering such nonsense and go and do one...

I'm not the only poster suggesting emotional unavailability may have been an issue. 2 hours every night is a hell of a chunk of time. The husband himself said the lack of availability was an issue.

It is clear to me that the OP is not remotely guilty for how she spends her time, nor should she be.

But it is the kind of thing that could put tremendous strain on a relationship. Not every man is going to be okay with that, so it is worth bearing in mind for the future.

As an aside, could we kindly refrain from throwing the term 'victim blaming' around so casually.

“I'm not the only poster suggesting emotional unavailability may have been an issue”

No, that would be the grand total of two of you out of over a thousand posts.

And yes, you are victim blaming.

So what do you do in the evening @FullTimeYummy? Are you waiting to see that your partner needs anything at all all evening? Or are you actually spending time doing what you want?

Like being on MN and clearly being emotionally unavailable to not just your DH but also your dcs on a Sunday afternoon that should be family time really.
And you don’t even seem to feel guilty about it!!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Do not cave OP.

Picture him in that strip club laughing and leering.

Picture his face when he turned off the wifi to goad you.

Picture his pretend sad face playing the woe is me card to his mum and sister a few days after he paid other people's mums and sisters to get their tits out by dropping pound coins in a pint glass.

Picture him smirking (as I'm sure he did, they all do) in response to reasonable questions from you, as he couldn't believe the audacity of being challenged.

Picture him withdrawing / transferring the money from your joint savings as soon as he left.

Picture your daughters being in a relationship like this as adults and you wondering if it's because they saw you take him back.

Picture your sons behaving like their dad in future relationships and you wondering, disgusted with them, if it's because they saw you take him back.

He is an absolute cunt, a bully and smug as fuck. If you take him back, you are telling him point blank that you are someone he is entitled to trample over, bully, treat like shit, demean and drain the joy out of.

He's a fucking dementor mate, summon your patronus and zap him.

Imagine the Mumsnet army is standing with you.

Outstanding post. Outstanding.

Perfect summation of this loathsome specimen. Find a life partner you can respect, OP. Your aim for a peaceful home is the least to expect.

You have nothing to be guilty about, don’t let him put this on you. Good luck.

Not every man is going to be ok with me writing for2 hours in the night or, as I have been since he’s left and dc are less settled at night, getting up to do 2 hours early in the morning? And it’s the only thing I do, as previously stated I don’t even go out with friends?
Then tbh, fuck, I’m not cut out for a relationship and I should just accept that.

Thank you to all the absolutely extraordinary and erudite posts that have given me strength today and before . I hope we can all remember that as thread titles state this comes back to my h spending400 on strippers then as has been explained, minimising and blaming me for it, then leaving us in the middle of the night. I wish I never even mentioned I was writing a book. The only reason I did is that now he is using my “distance” as self justification and further minimising. Adults talk and take action when they’re unhappy. They don’t fall into a strip club for several hours and make 2 large cash withdrawals then blame their wife for being upset and ruining Xmas. I do know this objectively but I am also going through hell right now with dc and him haranguing me from a distance and I just need support. Like that’s the only reason I’m still posting.