@porcelaine
Thing is when he went out that day we were fine as far as it seemed. No tensions, happy to be doing our own thing that weekend but a few plans for the next day. I brought him breakfast in bed during his lie in the next day (which I now feel stupid for.) I genuinely felt like Xmas would be good for us and we were slowly coming back from the summer. It’s just the blatant disregard shown by what he did. And the nastiness since. Saying that because I didn’t ask him to stay, I agreed to the breakup. I was purposefully not acting rash or kicking him out despite my feelings, because of dc and Xmas and not wanting to make a mistake. And he just left in the night!!
See I can access this anger when I am reminded, but I still feel really sad at quiet moments. I feel like I miss him, I miss just normality. I don’t know how to tell dc this is it.
Unfortunately, you weren’t fine. In your first thread, very early on, you said:
He was emotionally abusive in the past, bad enough for me to leave twice then ask him to leave.
So you’ve separated before and I’m sure the children must have noticed? I know you said things were “slowly coming back from the summer,” but does that mean they were bad this summer? Really think about this. That’s less than six months ago. You and DC cannot live your life on a rollercoaster, where he emotionally abuses you, ignores them while he plays on his phone, and then when he senses that you’re almost at the end of your rope, he suddenly pulls it together for a bit, treats you a little more nicely, plays the Disney Dad for a day or two, etc. The up and down isn’t healthy for you or them. You say how much the DC love him, and I’m sure they do love him as their father BUT are you mistaking them just being desperate for his affection? Because you also mentioned that in the week before the strip club incident, he was on his phone every night and ignoring the children (and then playing Disney Dad once you were upset about the strip club). So it just doesn’t sound fine.
You are going to have sad moments along with your anger. That’s natural. It doesn’t mean that a break-up or a divorce is wrong. I don’t think you should put up with more emotional abuse because you want to avoid temporary sadness, because the sadness will get less and less as time passes.
As for how you’ll tell DC, counseling can help you come up with a plan. Most Google results recommend you and H telling the children together, but that’s difficult if you’re in an abusive relationship. And I think so many of your comments show you’re still having trouble accepting this, especially since you’re having trouble rejecting his narrative about how the marriage broke down (it was not mutual - he spent the money, he insisted you feel a certain way, he threatened divorce, he left, he tried to emotionally blackmail you), but you are in one. Emotional abuse is domestic violence.
This page I found on Google, though it’s from some random American solicitor blog, has good information about protecting children from emotional abuse in divorce, with information you can consider before telling the DC.
www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-law-divorce-separation/emotional-abuse-divorce-protect-children/
This quote made me think of your situation, especially all these posts you have questioning how much is your fault (none) and whether you should have done more (no):
“Disengaging from a years-long toxic relationship is easier said than done — especially when you have to co-parent with an abuser. But if you want to get away from them, and go on with your life, you must stop giving them free rent in your head.”