h went to strip club - thread 2

[porcelaine]

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

And he knows this is not a true representation of what happened. He doesnt believe it either. He is actually taking you for a complete fool with the DARVO tactics, because he knows 100% that whats coming out is BS
what it is is not his version of what happened. What it is is a deliberate manipulation designed to get you embroiled in a discussion where he can manipulate you even further and make you feel like shit.
Its nasty.
And it shows exactly how low he will go in order to try to regain control because he feels it slipping away.

it might be worth having a thought about what things does he know are your weak spots, because this is where he will go next - looking for a reaction. Because once he gets a reaction he will be able to hook you in and spaghetti your brain, he is relying on his ability to talk you round to his way of thinking, which is why he is pulling out the dark stuff to get a response.

So Im guessing anything that you are vulnerable about will be next - maybe any secrets you have told him about your past/upbringing. Anything you may have felt ashamed of
Anything you feel proud about to do with your own morality - maybe that you always tell the truth, always like to hear both sides, you are kind??
Almost inevitably something about your ability as a mother
Maybe something about finances
A suggestion that you are mentally unwell - could try to recruit family / friends in this, although may be balanced against you telling them about the strip club - have you told anyone/got any real life support??

and yes, I can see him pulling the suicide thing. Or 'go missing' creating a drama that involves his parents calling you. In which case suggest they contact police/ambulance. My guess is he will save that for Christmas Eve.

If you think he will come to the house then please please PLEASE dont get involved in talking to him. ring police. The way he is talking is very worrying, and the sense of entitlement he has and the way he is escalating flags him as dangerous. I would be tempted to call 101 and just get an alert on your house for quick response.

Dont try to defend yourself by text or email and definately not on the phone, its not going to help. He wont be listening to your words anyway, only in as much as how he can twist them and keep you sucked in.

It may be worth, and I will listen to others here, to send a simple text stating that it is over and ask him not to contact you in any way. That sets a line in the sand that can show harrassment if he continues. You are allowed to make that decision without his say so. Nobody can force you to stay with him.

‘If all if that is true then you made the right decision in ending our marriage. You’ve made it clear that reconcilliation would not be good for you so we should proceed with divorce’

The twat wants to to beg and grovel. Once you accept the blame he will hold it over you forever. Take the wind out of his sails.

its all in the asuers hanbook putting the blame on you it justfies it them in their own warped mind

keep ignoring him dont get into conversation

abuser*

Another reassurance that you are far from a shit wife, and another vote to block him. Have an email address specifically for contact regarding the kids and block him everywhere else.

Accusing you of what he has done is a classic abusive move. He took this decision, just like he took the decision to go to the strip club, to sulk, to leave you to do everything with the kids and the house. He is an adult, these were active choices and any one of them would be deal breaker for many many people. You do not have responsibility for his choices, his behaviour, or accommodating him.

Sending strength. This too shall pass and you will come out the other side happier, healthier and with happier children.

Take him back OP and there is a very good chance at least one of your children will turn out just like him.

He is not capable of taking any responsibility and is shifting the blame onto you. You have every right to be in a rage at what he has done and he has the bald face cheek to turn it round to be somehow your fault.

You have been well trained by him to be taking the blame for his actions.

It sounds like he has done a number on you when you have previously separated. You don’t want this marriage anymore, yet once again he is close to worming his way back into the marriage.

Stay strong for you and your children.

Just block him.

OP this is just another manoeuvre to try and save his ego and shift blame. It's not about you at all - although I appreciate it doesn't feel like that. He's still trying to find that button where you back down and accept you're at fault. He's really ramping it up now.

Don't back down, don't defend yourself. Stay silent

thank you so much for all these posts since I last posted. I was in a funk after that message... I couldnt get my head round it or what the truth was etc. I didnt reply. what it did do, after I calmed down, was make me see him in a clearer light, because I feel he is actively twisting the truth and trying to hurt me, as all pps have said.
today I went through all our documents and photographed the financial stuff, my mum is going to help me setup a first hour w/ a solicitor after xmas.
he said he was coming back on 27th "so we can sign the separation form" (??? I dont think this is a thing) but I can still be at my sisters and I dont want to see him, or dc to see him, so I think I need to tell him he can get his stuff then and if its out by end dec he doesn't have to pay jan rent, but im not going to engage or sign forms etc I think its clear communication has broken down and the next step is divorce, in the new year. I may say that its best for us to communicate through someone else as I dont want these texts to escalate, its upsetting me too much.
I want to get some legal advice asap and I want to stay in the flat so I should probably contact the landlord and ask her about tenancy transfer, which I can do before that.
I can't really believe this is the man I married, or that this is my xmas/2020, but here we are.

I want to stand up and applaud you for being able to see the truth even though he's trying his hardest to twist it. He's completely overplayed his hand, gone too far, and he just sounds stupid with his 'separation form' nonsense.

Well done for sticking to your guns. Really, well done.

Google suggests a legal separation form is £365 to file but it seems a faff to do one when you know your filing for divorce.

Maybe he’s trying one last tactic to scare you into backing down? I can imagine him standing over you saying if you sign this it’s official and hoping you capitulate.

We have a divorce barrister in the family, the person you marry is not the one you divorce.

definately speak to the landlord. You dont want him plonking himself on the sofa and refusing to leave 'because my names on the tenancy'

if possible get that sorted before the 27th, so you can tell him to remove his stuff on that date, and dont mention Jan rent. Perhaps tell him he is no longer on tenancy so police will be called to remove him if he refuses to go, and tell him that every room will be photographed so he cant smash stuff up. And he is to leave his key.

Although change the locks

I think you need to prempt him being the biggest tosser imaginable. Hopefully he wont, but you need to calmly be several steps ahead of him and make sure all your bases are covered.

And it is great that once you calmed down you were able to see through what he was doing. That panic fight or flight feeling will receed in time. I bet it is already taking a shorter time to calm yourself, and every day you spend away from you will find you stronger and back to the person tyou were before he started to destroy you

And Im so glad you have your family helping you

I am so glad you are starting to see him for who he is. The fact that he is planning on NOT seeing you or kids until after Christmas is telling. (Dodgy shit.) He obviously hasn’t done his research either re- separation paperwork, has he? Looks like you will need to have locks changed and his stuff packed by then because he’s not taking you seriously.

You could be sorted by Monday then have a relatively normal christmas without the festival prick hanging around. Look at it that way.

You're doing brilliantly, OP - he's trying to grind you down and is using every trick in the book to get you to doubt yourself.

Your life will be so much better without this belittling, gaslighting excuse for a man.

I can't really believe this is the man I married, or that this is my xmas/2020, but here we are.

I think that, at some point in the future, you’ll look back on this Christmas and see it as the starting point to a much happier and secure future.

I wish you the strength to get through it, the confidence to know that you’ve done the right thing and the courage not to back down, even in your wobbliest moments

Echoing what Sn0tnose has said.

It's shit now, but you will look back at this as a turning point. You dumped the baggage and took control of your life.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself, OP. You've behaved with total resolve and dignity in the face of the most appalling behaviour. You've take the first step towards providing a future for you and your children free from this abusive twat. Hold onto that. Yes its not going to be the best Christmas but its just the first step along the road to your freedom.

he said he was coming back on 27th "so we can sign the separation form" Which translates as ‘you’re starting to annoy me now so I shall threaten you with forms I have no intention of bringing with me in an attempt to frighten you over the magnitude of what you want to do. You have until 27th to stop this nonsense and welcome me back with open arms and a huge apology for the way you’ve treated me’.

Tell him to send anything he wants you to sign directly to your solicitor and make the conversation with your landlord a top priority. Then don’t let him over the door step. Men like these tend to get angry when you see them for what they are.

Any chance you can double lock the door so he can't get in whether you are home or away?

I would worry about him moving back in and locking you out. Although it's not legal to block your access once it's done it's a court process to get back in.

I don't like how he states what he'll be doing on 27th clearly expecting you to be waiting and worried ... send your message to him and get it over with. I wouldn't trust him alone in your home either. I'd be worried about him putting a camera in or something. Sorry I know that sounds stupidly dramatic but I know someone that happened to.

Do not let him have access to your house when you're out!!!
He could refuse to leave, take/ruin your stuff to spite you... you have no idea!
Call the landlord and ask if you can change the lock, then call the locksmith. Pack up his stuff and dump it at his sister/mum's house, or arrange a time and leave it on the doorstep.

Well done for staying stong, OP. You are creating a better future for yourself and your children

Ha!
Separation form?

Is that the best he's got?
Bless.
Just ignore. Don't sign anything. Get your hour with a solicitor asap. File for divorce. Serve him papers.
Be the petitioner.

Agree with others - don’t allow him access when you’re not there and if possible have someone with you when he comes to collect his stuff.
You’ve got this, OP.