h went to strip club - thread 2

[porcelaine]

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

You are going to feel a lot of emotions OP, but please, drop the guilt! You have nothing to feel guilty for.
He did this. Him. Not you. No one made him.

If you feel guilty, then it shows that you're letting him in your head, and please don't do that!

I knew he'd behave like this - they all think they are so bloody unique, but they follow the same boring predictable script. Every time.

Well done on ignoring his messages, keep doing that.

And keep posting if it helps.
You will get through this.

Welcome back porcelaine, you're doing amazingly well.

How are DC?

Drop the guilt. Right now!!!

Please don’t feel guilty, you and your children deserve so much better than this.

The situation isn’t the same, but the responses from your partner very much remind me of the situation that a family member of mine had.

Their partner had a similar attitude and was subtlety emotionally abusing them and making it feel like it was their fault. My relative took him back multiple times, but it was never going to be the family that she wanted and deserved.

She was determined to stay together for the children, but they finally split a few years ago and are now divorced and it is so much better for everyone. Now that they aren’t together they are able to be better parents for the children and all the family members are much happier than they were staying together. It isn’t easy, but often a permanent split is the best choice for everyone.

Agree with the above posts that you have nothing to feel guilty about. He brought all this shit to you and doesn't appear to demonstrate any kind of remorse.

I'm glad you're back. No guilt! You have to put yourself first - no one else will. Staying together for the children is a recipe for disaster.

"I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore"

Read this and re-read it and write it down and if you feel a wobble read it again. This is everything. You put yourself first so you can enjoy your life and being a mother is part of that.

These situations are not as simple as forgiveness vs punishment. They show you who a person really is. You can forgive him and still decide you don't want to be with him anymore. You don't want to be with someone like that anymore. Now you know who he really is, and he is not actually worth it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. 💐

Wow, I just read through the previous thread OP.

Just wanted to say you're being amazingly strong right now and setting such a good example to your children. There is nothing to feel guilty about as you've been the one who has fought to keep this marriage alive but you need 2 people to do this but he sounds like he's never got going.

There has been lots of great support and advice on here and the previous thread. Keep reading it, keep strong and don't let him control you. Oh, and please don't ask the poster who was a stripper about any details. You know enough. You know how vile his behaviour has been. Keep going.

thing is, I thought I was fighting. I wasnt in love with him like I used to be, he begged me for another chance after summer and I let him back, but it did affect our relationship. the ways in which I showed I was fighting were by just being normal and consistent, not trying to cause rows or trying to diffuse them if he did, agreeing to move and sign a new lease together, agreeing to joint finances again, carving out time for the 2 of us every evening, planning a family xmas at home instead of going to my family, pulling out the stops for his recent birthday. between dc and work and covid and my book that was what I felt I could bring. and it wasnt enough. he's now saying he "wasnt ok" before the strip club, like that wasnt enough. what did he want??? what would make him secure?? he was the one who wanted to come back. I NEED to remember the truth is that he came back, expected the world, and then did something huge while drunk, and then left me to bully me into submission, and is still trying to headfuck me from a distance. I need to truly 100% believe this as I am finding it hard, that he can be that flawed.

You've done nothing wrong. Plus, he didn't make a mistake while drunk. He went to a "venue" and used family money to degrade women for his own pleasure. It wasn't a moment of weakness or silliness. Then he proceeded to emotionally blackmail you and took no responsibility.

OP, god what a headfuck. I had similar and I remember feeling physically sick for days. It changed my feelings permanently and it was over. I just couldn't accept it. So disrespectful to me and the thought of being with a man who would pay for and use women for sex? NO. So sorry you are in this place.

He is saying that because it gives him some kind of twisted justification, at least in his mind.

You tried to make a life with him and what did he do? Fuck it over. That's not on you. That's not about your efforts not being enough. That's about him not being enough.

Hold your head up high OP. Take control now and dont let him try and mess with your head from afar. Stay strong and life will get so much better for you. It will be tough at the beginning but you with thank yourself in the long term. Best wishes to you xx

he's offering to come back, have counselling, try and work out our issues (which we clearly had before the strip club because of our separation).
but so much of what's been hard in our marriage has been his inability to control his moods, his lack of maturity, him blaming anxiety and depression for being sulky and stonewalling. he actually first threatened divorce 6 weeks after we got married because we disagreed over dc. in lockdown it just got worse where he was making an awful atmosphere and escalated the smallest of disagreements, he even unplugged the wifi when I was working from home to try and get me to engage with his berating, then I snapped and told him to leave. if he thought it was so bad he didnt have to beg me to let him back and try again. he didnt have to move with me or say he wanted a xmas just our family. so he's just full of shit. he is making this my fault. I know I sound like a broken record but this is helping me to remember as I am NOT feeling strong today.

Do not cave OP.

Picture him in that strip club laughing and leering.

Picture his face when he turned off the wifi to goad you.

Picture his pretend sad face playing the woe is me card to his mum and sister a few days after he paid other people's mums and sisters to get their tits out by dropping pound coins in a pint glass.

Picture him smirking (as I'm sure he did, they all do) in response to reasonable questions from you, as he couldn't believe the audacity of being challenged.

Picture him withdrawing / transferring the money from your joint savings as soon as he left.

Picture your daughters being in a relationship like this as adults and you wondering if it's because they saw you take him back.

Picture your sons behaving like their dad in future relationships and you wondering, disgusted with them, if it's because they saw you take him back.

He is an absolute cunt, a bully and smug as fuck. If you take him back, you are telling him point blank that you are someone he is entitled to trample over, bully, treat like shit, demean and drain the joy out of.

He's a fucking dementor mate, summon your patronus and zap him.

Imagine the Mumsnet army is standing with you.

none of this is your fault hes gaslighting you-blackmailing you so you cant go online being moody he wants u to b the quiet little woman and just accept everything

saying you both need to change-another gaslighting tactic

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Your book sounds like it takes up a lot of time and was bound to lead to tension. If he was having to unplug the WiFi to get you to talk then it sounds like you have no time for a man in your life. Move on without one.

@FullTimeYummy with all due respect I dont think my book has a lot to do with this.
I write from 10pm-midnight most nights, after kids are in bed and h and I have eaten and watched something together. or I go out for an hour or 2 once on the weekend to get some done. I also work full time and do the bulk of the housework, school pickups every day. I only started writing seriously this summer after several years together and he claimed he was"fully supportive", his words. him turning off the wifi was nothing to do with my book as I had not started writing it before summer. it was because he'd pulled another sulk, I was at the end of my tether and stuck working from home with him, and he kept coming up to me and trying to start it up during the working day, refusing to leave it til later. I am more than willing to talk, although in the past year I probably have become less willing since any anger or frustration on my part ends in threats to leave on his part.

I do not want to apologise for being a married mother who works hard and also wants to achieve a goal for herself. it isn't convenient for me to write my book, it's been very tiring and stressful and I dont let it take over my free time. I never thought it would cause my "loving" husband to resent me.

OP:

As someone else has already suggested, read this paragraph back to yourself. Again and again and again:

I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc.

Have it engraved and put it on your bedroom wall if it helps you.

This is the bottom line. Regardless of what he says he will do you will be papering over the fact that he is a man who thought it was acceptable to spunk hundred pounds worth of family money on strippers when you were supposed to be "working on the marriage". Why should you have to come back from that. Why should your kids have to come back from it? If you agreed to work on this again you would be throwing away your dignity and your kids security. I get that its going to be difficult for the children. But that's not your fault and its not your responsibility.

Guilt has no place here. I get it, it's totally normal that you are questioning what you're doing. It's fine to be sad, upset and angry, that's part of the process of grieving for the end of a marriage. But don't give guilt any quarter. You've tolerated this shit for years, now you are putting yourself and your children first. What on earth is there for you to feel guilty about?

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel confused, upset and angry. But take credit in the fact that you are strong enough to know where to draw the line and act on it. You've done an amazing thing.

FullTimeYummy

WTF. Have you read OP's previous thread? Her DH burned hundreds of pounds at a strip club and lied about it. Way to blame the victim. Why shouldn't the OP write a book?

Hi Porcelaine , you may not have expected your husband to resent you, but i think such undertakings do carry that risk.
Whilst H is clearly in the wrong with the strip club debacle, it is presumably a symptom of the true problem, part of which, i suspect, is you being to busy to make time for your marriage. That's your decision, but I think it would be disingenuous to think that a 'decent man' would have no problem with you poring a significant amount of time into a hobby.

Oh ffs, please ignore @FullTimeYummy It has fuck all to do with your book or work @porcelaine and all to do with him being a manipulative manchild trying to find ways to make you tic so that you would be the bad guy.

Wow @FullTimeYummy stuck in the 50's much?

@FullTimeYummy

Hi Porcelaine , you may not have expected your husband to resent you, but i think such undertakings do carry that risk. Whilst H is clearly in the wrong with the strip club debacle, it is presumably a symptom of the true problem, part of which, i suspect, is you being to busy to make time for your marriage. That's your decision, but I think it would be disingenuous to think that a 'decent man' would have no problem with you poring a significant amount of time into a hobby.

With women like you, who needs misogynist men?

The level of projecting and self written backstory you've gone to is frankly bizarre.

If you want to live in a 1950s relationship, knock yourself out. But these days women are allowed to live their lives without constantly pandering to a man's needs.

If he was that bothered about communication maybe he could have been chatting to her that night instead of paying hundreds of pounds of family money on looking at other women naked.