h went to strip club - thread 2

[porcelaine]

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

@porcelaine

Thank you to all the absolutely extraordinary and erudite posts that have given me strength today and before . I hope we can all remember that as thread titles state this comes back to my h spending400 on strippers then as has been explained, minimising and blaming me for it, then leaving us in the middle of the night. I wish I never even mentioned I was writing a book. The only reason I did is that now he is using my “distance” as self justification and further minimising. Adults talk and take action when they’re unhappy. They don’t fall into a strip club for several hours and make 2 large cash withdrawals then blame their wife for being upset and ruining Xmas. I do know this objectively but I am also going through hell right now with dc and him haranguing me from a distance and I just need support. Like that’s the only reason I’m still posting.

Quite right OP. Hopefully the derailer can be gracious about that and leave the thread alone now.

Sending a handhold

Btw @porcelaine, if your writting has anything to do with it, I suspect he felt threatened by the respect you could get from it.

Like the one you got from your dcs

Don't dare stop writing! It's okay to take the time to create something and put it in the world. In great marriages you are each others' biggest fans and supporters.

When should she be able to write her book then, FullTimeYummy? 3am? Or - I know... so as to cause least inconvenience to him - how about she bangs out a few chapters while he’s next in the strip club? Is that allowed?

How do you imagine women write books?

Maybe you think only unmarried women should be allowed to write books?

My DH used to travel overseas all the time with work. It is what it is. I didn’t sit there, with 4 children, going “oh woe is me. I need more attention...”

And even if I had felt like I needed more attention, I wouldn’t have paid for sex workers, fgs. You are either that type of person or you’re not. Nobody gets driven to do these things - it’s all about personal integrity.

@porcelaine, you are doing really well.

He is bound to be a pain And to act as the hurt party whilst you are the unreasonable one. If he wasn’t he would be reasonnable and you know he isn’t.

Have you looked at Grey rock?
Don’t react to his texts. Don’t even read the notifications until. You are ready. Don’t talk about anything that isn’t directly children related.

I’d also advice to take a pen and paper and write down. What. He has done. Remember the anger about his behaviour and how crap he has been.

Could you also write down on this thread (?) why you shouldn’t feel guilty either? Again to remember.

Please ignore FullTimeYummy and anyone else who tries to put you off writing or make you feel as if this has contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. What a bizarre, sexist and unhelpful contribution to these threads!

@FullTimeYummy

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Your book sounds like it takes up a lot of time and was bound to lead to tension. If he was having to unplug the WiFi to get you to talk then it sounds like you have no time for a man in your life. Move on without one.

Why the hell was it 'bound to lead to tension'??

If I had the ability and talent to write a book, my DH would be nothing but supportive and proud.

As it should be.

Have followed your previous thread...

The reality is your relationship isn’t going to work. Whatever the reasons for that are. At the moment you are not in the place for the relationship to work and neither is he.

You will feel guilty and sad of course, you will feel a huge range of emotions in the early days but you have to hold on to the end vision of being happy and settled without all this shit being thrown at you by someone who is meant to “love” you.

Whether one day down the line you have the family you want together is another question for another time, but right now as it stands you do not want to be with him. You don’t have to justify or explain to him or to anyone.

Please don’t be bullied or gaslighted or guilt tripped into trying again with him. He sounds pretty horrible to be honest and your relationship isn’t going to work unless he has a massive personality change (unlikely) so all you would be doing is delaying the inevitable.

Keep strong - write a list of all the things to be happy about on your own, create a list of goals to achieve by yourself, listen to some focused pod casts about subjects which motivate and inspire you, listen to the music you love which makes you feel strong.... do all of the things to remind you that you’re a boss bitch who will not put up with the level of shit he’s trying to throw your way

Keep going!

@FullTimeYummy

Hi Porcelaine , you may not have expected your husband to resent you, but i think such undertakings do carry that risk. Whilst H is clearly in the wrong with the strip club debacle, it is presumably a symptom of the true problem, part of which, i suspect, is you being to busy to make time for your marriage. That's your decision, but I think it would be disingenuous to think that a 'decent man' would have no problem with you poring a significant amount of time into a hobby.

How do you know 'it's a hobby'?

What if the OP turns into the next Hilary Mantle or JFK Rowling?

And yes, she may have been 'too busy' to make time for her marriage, after working full time, doing the housework, cooking, childcare and no doubt the rest of the 'wifework'.

What exactly did her husband contribute? Whilst draining their savings of £800!

@FullTimeYummy

I'm not the only poster suggesting emotional unavailability may have been an issue. 2 hours every night is a hell of a chunk of time. The husband himself said the lack of availability was an issue.

It is clear to me that the OP is not remotely guilty for how she spends her time, nor should she be.

But it is the kind of thing that could put tremendous strain on a relationship. Not every man is going to be okay with that, so it is worth bearing in mind for the future.

As an aside, could we kindly refrain from throwing the term 'victim blaming' around so casually.

Well, stop doing it then.

@FullTimeYummy

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Your book sounds like it takes up a lot of time and was bound to lead to tension. If he was having to unplug the WiFi to get you to talk then it sounds like you have no time for a man in your life. Move on without one.

WTF?

This is not about OP writing a book!

Wow, a woman can’t write a book late at night between 10pm to midnight and an hour or two on weekends without someone thinking she is neglecting her husband.

Poor munchkin man, needs his hand held every minute of every night and day. His wife should be ready to fulfil his every need at every waking moment. Otherwise he will find himself pushed to go to strip clubs, spending up big to make up for her neglect. It’s the cause of his unhappiness.

Seriously, do some people think like this? What about a man pulling his weight so his wife can have her needs fulfilled?

FullTimeYummy (cunning) is clearly Nigel Farage

I cant believe someone has come on and is blaming the poor OP for writing a book

I would suggest, as others on here have, that the book is seen as a threat by the kind of man that OP's husband is. probably jealous of the time, and jealous that she may achieve something that isnt about him. These kinds of men dont like it at all.

Tell me OP, the FT job you do - how does it compare to the work you did as a playwrite? or to your husbands job. And why was he not contributing to the chores and the children?

That said, he does seem to be running through the full gamut of 'the script' and, if you ever venture to the Relationships board with this issue, you will find that it is never a good idea to attend councelling with an abusive man - they tend to try to garner the counsellors side and use them to further bully you.

FullTimeYummy

I pity you.

Here's a woman whose husband is an abusive twat who has spent hundreds of pounds at a strip club when he is supposed to be "working on the marriage". And the OP -- who also works and does more or less all the childcare - takes a couple of hours an evening to do something constructive and creative for herself, is supposed to consider herself unfit for a relationship on the basis that she isn't waiting around to be her husband's handmaiden. You have a very very low relationship bar if that's what you think.

More to the point you've sought to come on an air these retrograde views when someone is traumatised by the end of their marriage and are suggesting that this could have been a factor. I'm speechless.

OP ignore the Stepford Wife. You've done brilliantly so far and its a real shame that this thread has been derailed in this way. Keep on keeping on, keep on making plans and remember you're doing the right thing.

Read the first thread and just wanted to chime in with my support. Stay strong and don’t doubt yourself. Everything will be ok, you don’t need a life of mind games and lack of trust. All the best.

Op I have been following since your first thread and just wanted to say, although you are finding it hard you should be so so proud of yourself and you can do this all without him and when you have finished your book, your happy, your kids are happy and everything has fallen into place you can look back and say what an absolutely shitty year for more reasons than one but my god I made it and I done it on my own you’ve got this x

You're doing so well, would it have been different if you went to the gym Every night for 2 hours ? No - he's just being a dick and lashing out and that's an easy target. Make sure you divorce him before you sign your book deal 😀

How dare the op spend 2 hours a day on herself! As a female and wife that is outrageous! Almost as outrageous as spending a whole evening till 2am in a strip club and spending £800 of family money weeks away from Christmas!

so hes allowed to go out spend hundreds of pounds and she cant write a book

he cut off the wifi while she was working because she wouldnt engage in an argument with him thats not right

what century am i living in did my time machine work

I think he started with the manipulation by threatening to leave 6 weeks after the wedding ....

Can someone please link the first thread?

Op please ignore fulltimemummy. She is either on glue or an MRA trolling as the posts are dripping with misogyny.

I suspect "FulltimeYummy" is a man who thinks it's a woman's job to fulfill the needs of the husband at the expense of her own. Best ignored.