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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

h went to strip club - thread 2

353 replies

porcelaine · 13/12/2020 10:33

hi all,
as my thread has filled up I am starting a new one. I genuinely cannot thank you who posted enough for giving me some much needed strength.
he has been calling me this morning, I haven't picked up. I have no intention of it. I also took notifications off my text messages so I only access them when I want to. its not ideal but I have realised he may be trying to make me look unreasonable atm to gain "the upper hand" (in his mind} and texting with him really upsets me.
I am currently going through quite a lot of guilt which I am not sure is normal in this situation, but where I feel like, even if we tried again and everything was somehow ok, its not the life I want for myself. I want to be with a man of better character who I actually like and respect, and I want to be able to do things like my book without being emotionally thrown off, and I want peace in my home for dc. all those things would have a good effect on dc too, but I am worried that this is about me putting myself first by saying no, I dont want this anymore. does that makes sense?

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 13/12/2020 18:12

Even if op's DH felt she didn't make enough time/effort for the marriage (which doesn't sound like the case), a decent person would communicate about it and leave if they felt v strongly about it ... He wasn't leaving, he didn't want to leave (still doesn't).

He didnt end up in a strip club buying private dances for him abd mates for that reason, he did because he wanted to, because he feels entitled to it.

I doubt he suddenly dud that out if the blue fir the first time s few days ago. They all clearly have form.

There's also unaccounted for money and time after visiting said club, which is described as an escort hookup place online.

Ops description of his behaviour before this incident actually makes him sound like an abuser.

daisyjgrey · 13/12/2020 18:13

@porcelaine

Not every man is going to be ok with me writing for2 hours in the night or, as I have been since he’s left and dc are less settled at night, getting up to do 2 hours early in the morning? And it’s the only thing I do, as previously stated I don’t even go out with friends? Then tbh, fuck, I’m not cut out for a relationship and I should just accept that.
My partner would be more than happy for me to do this. The only reason I don't is the way our routine is at the minute, I can write when he is at work.

This isn't a you problem, its a husband problem.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2020 18:15

He sounds like a spoilt, rash, immature, selfish, chsuvanuist manchild who doesn't really want the responsibility of a wife and family.

I know some men like this, I call them the married bachelors. They lead their wives shit, unequal lives.

Sandals19 · 13/12/2020 18:19

I forgot abusive.

I think he'd be found in the abuser profiles in Lundy Bancroft's book.

Original poster
porcelaine · 13/12/2020 21:18

@sandals19 I think that's right. he is definitely immature and cherry picks what parts of being a responsible adult he wants. for example if he is in a mood with me he will think nothing of taking to his bed for the rest of the day/evening and letting me sort everything. similarly dc had a dress up day and he wouldn't get up to see them ready to go, he just pretended to be asleep as he was so pissed off at me. I can't even remember what that mood was about. its one of many.
I feel like I am a bit of a better parent without him around, and weirdly, more of a whole person. this has been a tough weekend but dc now in bed and I am on the laptop with some tea, and im not crying or feeling devastated. I have taken notifications off on my texts and there's probably a shit storm waiting in there but I am going to open them at a time convenient to me, when I feel able to deal with it, which is definitely not now.

OP posts:
Original poster
porcelaine · 13/12/2020 21:23

dc5 did get a bit upset today. she said she missed him and felt funny that he wasnt there, that he should have said goodbye and it won't be xmas without him. I just tried to keep it neutral, not upset her further. I said it wasnt her fault he went and there was nothing to worry about. I am not entirely sure of an age appropriate way to go about this for her.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 13/12/2020 21:55

As is often the case in a thread, the more info you give about him, the more generally shit he sounds.

Spectacularly bad behaviour, like this incident, dont often seem to be isolated... As the pp gives more background and info, there usually a picture of a selfish, pretty shitty, unreasonable partner.

You sound fantastic op.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 21:59

@porcelaine

dc5 did get a bit upset today. she said she missed him and felt funny that he wasnt there, that he should have said goodbye and it won't be xmas without him. I just tried to keep it neutral, not upset her further. I said it wasnt her fault he went and there was nothing to worry about. I am not entirely sure of an age appropriate way to go about this for her.
God those kids are lucky to have you OP, you sound so kind and together. Unlike their dad who basically ran away when he didn't get what he wanted which was to gaslight you into being grateful he deigns to grace you with his wanky presence.

You sound ace, the horrible bit right now will pass and you'll have a life free of an insufferably smug arsehole dragging you down.

You really do sound like a fantastic mum Thanks

alaiaa · 13/12/2020 23:23

Good for you OP. I think you’ll feel more and more like a whole person as the days / weeks go by. A bit like coming out of a fog. And your kids will thrive with a happier mum who can focus her energies on them, rather than pander to a needy creep. Stay strong!

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 13/12/2020 23:25

Stay strong op

GabsAlot · 13/12/2020 23:28

he took off to his bed all day?

youre so much better off-this man really shouldnt be in a relationship with anyone or shold have had kids

Eryouwhat · 13/12/2020 23:56

Stay strong op

prawntoastie · 14/12/2020 00:25

Op not sure if you were the person saying your OH spent 400 pounds you don't have in a strip joined.
All I will say is he doesn't deserve you.

oldshoeuk · 14/12/2020 01:10

@FullTimeYummy

Hi Porcelaine , you may not have expected your husband to resent you, but i think such undertakings do carry that risk. Whilst H is clearly in the wrong with the strip club debacle, it is presumably a symptom of the true problem, part of which, i suspect, is you being to busy to make time for your marriage. That's your decision, but I think it would be disingenuous to think that a 'decent man' would have no problem with you poring a significant amount of time into a hobby.
I don't want to put words in someone else mouth, but I think partly what's being said here is that the relationship was in serious trouble long before strippergate.

What you do and feel doesn't require my or anyone else's permission. Same rules apply to him. The only question is do you match? Is his crazy compatible with yours? The answer is clearly no. There is no need for any more blame or name calling.

Out there somewhere is a woman ready to deal with his shit. Likewise out here is hopefully someone for you (your decision). This particulate project has failed, split and move on, but you don't need my consent either. You do have my sympathy and support.

Chocaholic9 · 14/12/2020 01:50

@FullTimeYummy

Hi Porcelaine , you may not have expected your husband to resent you, but i think such undertakings do carry that risk. Whilst H is clearly in the wrong with the strip club debacle, it is presumably a symptom of the true problem, part of which, i suspect, is you being to busy to make time for your marriage. That's your decision, but I think it would be disingenuous to think that a 'decent man' would have no problem with you poring a significant amount of time into a hobby.
This comment is so off base.
MerchantOfVenom · 14/12/2020 02:02

Gosh, can people please stop quoting, tagging and engaging with the person who’s not bringing anything to the thread?

Let his/her contributions die a death and get back to supporting Porcelain.

TreadLightly3 · 14/12/2020 02:18

Good on you OP, you’re doing brilliantly and are being a brave mum. Wishing you all the strength and happiness in the world

HollyCarrot · 14/12/2020 03:25

@porcelaine

he's offering to come back, have counselling, try and work out our issues (which we clearly had before the strip club because of our separation). but so much of what's been hard in our marriage has been his inability to control his moods, his lack of maturity, him blaming anxiety and depression for being sulky and stonewalling. he actually first threatened divorce 6 weeks after we got married because we disagreed over dc. in lockdown it just got worse where he was making an awful atmosphere and escalated the smallest of disagreements, he even unplugged the wifi when I was working from home to try and get me to engage with his berating, then I snapped and told him to leave. if he thought it was so bad he didnt have to beg me to let him back and try again. he didnt have to move with me or say he wanted a xmas just our family. so he's just full of shit. he is making this my fault. I know I sound like a broken record but this is helping me to remember as I am NOT feeling strong today.
Please for your kids, get away. I can't tell you how damaging it is to grow up with this. It's horrific. Honestly I wouldn't wish it on anyone..
Yeahnahmum · 14/12/2020 05:19

I can imagine your H felt that you didnt have any time for him as you are writing your book. howeverrrrrrr this would mean that you TALK to one another. Not watch some ladies take their clothes off. So you writing is an explanation not an excuse.

Youve been in counseling already. It didnt work. So dont fall for it again. You will find yourself getting smaller and smaller. Write a list of all the arsehole things he has done to you. And keep that nearby. As a reminder that you need to get the F away from this man. You deserve love and light and a beautiful book. And he? Well.. i dont really care about him tbh.

Focus on you now. Depending on your kids ages tell them that daddy has done you wrong so that they don't blame you for keeping him from them at christmas.

And yes you may still love the man. Of course. But this is a situation that needs to be dealt with, with the head.

Imworthit · 14/12/2020 06:01

I'm so so proud of you 😊 I can't express how totally thrilled I am for you and dc's future. It's amazing to live a life where you never have to defend any of your free time to anyone. That's what I really want for you! I so advise therapy for yourself to build your self esteem and ditch your guilt. Some offer massage and self care classes too.

I'm looking at my 'new life' right now and could never have imagined being this blessed. That's all we want for you ♥️

greenspacesoverthere · 14/12/2020 06:12

@porcelaine - huge respect Thanks

FullTimeYummy · 14/12/2020 07:08

Thanks @oldshoeuk, you have put my thoughts into much better words.

I guess yesterday I tried to offer a little bit beyond the standard MN response of:

  1. LTB
  2. Here's a mug of cocoa and some inspirational quotes

It seems my input was somewhat unwelcome. Huge kudos to Porcelaine for how you are managing this and also a thanks from me for not sinking to the vitriol uttered by other posters in your defence.

I think you are doing great and you have my support

Marjoriesdoor · 14/12/2020 07:24

Your “little beyond the standard response” was to suggest the OP’s writing was his reason for feeling neglected. If that’s your way of offering support to women then I wouldn’t bother.

hardboiledeggs · 14/12/2020 08:22

@FullTimeYummy when you become a wife your life doesn't revolve around your husband. Sure you make time for them but you should also make time for yourself. And as her Husband he should support that. He is getting to do his own thing so why shouldn't she?

hardboiledeggs · 14/12/2020 08:24

Op you are doing fab. Try not to forget why you feel like this, there are multiple reasons why you want out of this relationship. It's not working, YOU tried and he didn't. You can walk away and hold your head high knowing you did your best Smile