Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withholding pudding if child hasn't eaten 'enough'

336 replies

Toriathebadger · 13/12/2020 07:31

I'm a bit torn about this. DS3 (4) is becoming fussy, I think it's just a phase as he's always been a good eater and has plenty of fruit and veg. Just lately he's hardly been eating his meal and says he's gone off a lot of the food he would usually eat. His dad (ex dp) expects me to withhold pudding if ds hasn't eaten 'enough'. He does it with his dd (from previous) who is a fussy eater. He makes her stay at the table until she's eaten 'enough', and if she doesn't then she can't have pudding. It means she's often sat at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a happy medium here, as I encourage ds to eat a bit more but ultimately if he's finished then I let him have pudding and don't make an issue out of it. Ex is horrified and thinks I'm ridiculous.

Who is being unreasonable? Either of us? Just different parenting styles?

OP posts:
supercatlady · 13/12/2020 09:54

I’m with you.
My brother had real issues as an adult from being coerced to eat what was on his plate as a child. One year he was sat at the table for hours with the threat his birthday party that afternoon would be cancelled.
Encourage a little more by all means but don’t threaten or bribe in my view.

BeaufortScale · 13/12/2020 09:55

I rarely do puddings, which solves the problem.

But if I do one, for small children I serve a small portion of pudding at the same time as the main course. So they can eat pudding and then fill up with the rest of the meal. It works surprisingly well, the pudding whets their appetite and they tend to eat more of the other food.

Gancanny · 13/12/2020 09:56

DS sees a dietician (ARFID) and one of the pieces of advice is that the main meal of the day for all children should consist of two courses - for example, main and a simple dessert of fruit or yoghurt - which are both served at the same time and its up to the child how much or how little they each of each course. One is not conditional upon the other, it is one complete meal and the idea is that they get enough calories/nutritional content across the two courses, it also completely removes the idea that dessert is a reward.

Suzi888 · 13/12/2020 09:56

We don’t have a pudding every day. I point blank refuse to make my child sit there and eat everything / what I deem to be an acceptable amount. My FIL did this to my DH and imo it causes issues around food.

DinosaurGrrrrr · 13/12/2020 09:58

You’ll just end of with an obese child shovelling food down when they are full/don’t like it so they can have afters, I don’t get the point. I think getting out the habit of there being a pudding is the best way forward. You shouldn’t be using food as a reward anyway.

We’ve never made pudding a thing (our children are 3 and 4) so it isn’t expected, our children do get treats but they aren’t at the end of a meal (unless out at a restaurant), they are a random seldom thing, like an ice cream on a summers day etc. They do have fruit and a yogurt in their packed lunch at school but they eat the savoury thing too, I guess they’d be hungry otherwise. It’s not seen as a reward of any kind though.

whichwallywhere · 13/12/2020 09:58

My parents used to do this and it did make the pudding into a treat and the other food to be tolerated to get the pudding.

I did it with my DCs (and did it myself) but framed it as not needing pudding if you don't finish your dinner. I don't make a pudding as a matter of course so it's a case of making one if everybody has eaten dinner and is still hungry. If it's an 'occasion' and I've made a pudding then you can have pudding regardless of whether or not you've finished your main course. The expectation is that you've tried some of everything on your plate.

NightOwl19 · 13/12/2020 09:59

My DD is a horrific fussy eater so if she doesn't eat enough I'll ask her to eat more if she says she's done then that's fine but if it isn't enough for pudding then she doesn't get it.

I never use to withhold pudding then she would outright say I don't want dinner I'll wait for my pudding so now if she's to full for a decent amount of dinner then she's to full for pudding.

museumum · 13/12/2020 10:00

I don’t think of it as “withholding pudding” as if pudding is some kind of a right.
People in our house get their main course, eat till their full and stop. If they eat everything on their plate and still aren’t full they get fruit or yoghurt.
Except in restaurants where ice cream is a treat and always allowed but some eating of main expected.

Poppinjay · 13/12/2020 10:06

You need to provide a balanced diet and allow the child to select what they would like to eat from what is offered.

If that balanced diet includes a biscuit or some fruit each day, it doesn't matter when they eat it. To insist that other food is eaten before they get it, makes the other food less attractive, which is exactly what you don't want to do.

The little girl who is being made to sit and eat a pile of savoury food she doesn't want is just learning to hate it. How is that going to help her in later life?

It's the same with school packed lunches where lunchtime supervisors interfere with the order in which children eat them.

If a child is allowed to eat a biscuit and leave the rest of the meal, they're going to learn that they get very hungry by the next meal and the savoury food will taste delicious. That helps them learn to regulate their own food intake and to enjoy healthy food. Win, win!

The important thing is to make sure that the overall diet on offer is healthy and any snacks they have between meals are also take into account as part of the healthy balance.

Don't praise or reward a child for eating anything. It teaches them to ignore their own internal messages and eat to please others.

GameSetMatch · 13/12/2020 10:07

I’d never withhold pudding, maybe a good compromise is they get a smaller portion?

WrongKindOfFace · 13/12/2020 10:07

@flaviaritt

I must say, the horror of “pudding” on this thread is very weird.
Isn’t it just!

You’d think people were offering crack, not a dollop of ice cream.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 13/12/2020 10:08

Puddings in my house are a special treat. If my kids turn their nose up at my dinners that I know they liked last week then I'm afraid dessert isn't on the cards at all. Given the chance most kids would be fussy as hell and just eat their favourites every single time. I don't agree with force feeding something you KNOW they definitely don't like, but pandering to fussiness encourages fussiness.

BigSisLittleSisCardboardBox · 13/12/2020 10:08

I did not like the idea of withholding pudding. What I did instead was I would never say what “pudding” was until food had been eaten. That meant if they’d hardly eaten anything, I could give them a banana and a glass of milk or plain yoghurt for “pudding” which I knew would fill them up but wasn’t a treat. With my children, I knew if they didn’t eat something it was generally fussiness and not lack of hunger.

shallbe · 13/12/2020 10:09

@Circumlocutious

The point I would make (and to @shallbe) is that you can indirectly cause them to do the latter - to stay at the table, eat more of a particular dish than they actually want to, in order to for them to access pudding. it looks like they have free choice, but it's still incentivising overeating.

If you read my post you'll see we rarely have pudding and I don't generally announce if there is pudding in the house, it is not expected. If everyone has eaten and I've remembered weve got ice cream in the freezer I might then say let's have some ice cream. My point is, I'd never do that if they've not eaten much of dinner and clearly not that hungry. I don't then try to bribe them to eat more by declaring we have pudding. I would say DH and I both had a similar approach growing up and we both have a very healthy relationship with food and are slim, as are my children so I really wouldn't say we incentivise over eating.

I am not the perfect mum, I could reel off a tonne of things I have insecurities about with my parenting, but our attitude to food and the health of my children is not one of them.

SuitableWoman · 13/12/2020 10:10

I only have one rule regarding food and it’s that the children need to eat something before they leave the house for school.

There is a huge selection (including unhealthy sugary cereals) and I let them choose. If they are not hungry, they still have 2 spoonfuls of cereal or a piece of cheese.

If they are not hungry for dinner, I allow them to have their pudding if they wish.

Pudding is yogurt or fruit. We have cake maybe 1-2 times a month and the same rules apply.

I also allow them to have as much fresh fruit as they wish, and pack some for their school snack as well.

They are healthy and happy. I really don’t want them to develop any bad relationship with food.

Newmumatlast · 13/12/2020 10:11

Depends on what pudding is I think. If its fruit or a yoghurt I would allow that as it's a healthy way to ensure child full if they're not keen on main. If its cake I wouldn't do what your ex did and make them sit at the table but I wouldn't give the pudding on the basis they've said too full. If reason they give for not eating main isn't that theyre full then I wouldn't make a new meal but would offer something like toast. I don't want my kids hungry or forcing down food they don't like but also dont want them filling up on cake.

Lazypuppy · 13/12/2020 10:16

Yep if not hungry enough for dinner then obviously not hungry enough for pudding

Original poster
Toriathebadger · 13/12/2020 10:16

@supercatlady

I’m with you. My brother had real issues as an adult from being coerced to eat what was on his plate as a child. One year he was sat at the table for hours with the threat his birthday party that afternoon would be cancelled. Encourage a little more by all means but don’t threaten or bribe in my view.
Oh that's awful!
OP posts:
wildraisins · 13/12/2020 10:18

Like the idea from another poster of just serving some fruit or yoghurt alongside the main course.

It is so cultural isn't it, this idea of pudding being a "reward" for eating your dinner. It just makes dinner seem like a chore to get through which it really shouldn't be... ideally children can appreciate all their food as equal and not have some "special" food for pudding.

I think serving the dessert alongside the meal is a really healthy way of just saying "look - it's all food, and it's all good for you".

As for chocolate and biscuits I just wouldn't serve them at meal times. Me and my partner don't have them after dinner so neither would our child.

TheChristmasPrincess · 13/12/2020 10:19

Our DC have to eat 3/4 of what’s on the plate and at least have a spoonful of everything. If they are really adamant they don’t like something I will tell them they need to at least try it as their taste buds are constantly changing and they might have grown to like it. If they still don’t like it I won’t force them to eat it but if it’s a constant thing (every meal time) then they don’t get a pudding.

Bambam2019 · 13/12/2020 10:20

I would always encourage a child to try the meal on offer, and even if they refuse, to stay at the table until the rest of the family has eaten. But I’m not sure I’d withhold pudding. That may make me sound like a snowflake but if they genuinely do not like the meal, I cannot imagine anything worse than being made to sit and eat it. For example, I don’t like red onions or ham sandwiches. As an adult not a single person could make me eat them, why shouldn’t a child have the same autonomy. Fair enough try them ever now and again and taste buds do change. With holding pudding is just going to lead to a complex at meal times in my opinion. Maybe just don’t offer one at all, rather than “if you eat this then you can have a pudding”.

BefuddledPerson · 13/12/2020 10:20

@TheChristmasPrincess

Our DC have to eat 3/4 of what’s on the plate and at least have a spoonful of everything. If they are really adamant they don’t like something I will tell them they need to at least try it as their taste buds are constantly changing and they might have grown to like it. If they still don’t like it I won’t force them to eat it but if it’s a constant thing (every meal time) then they don’t get a pudding.
I find this horribly controlling. I had a friend like this, I no longer go to their house for meals as it was awful to watch!
JingleFails · 13/12/2020 10:22

God its hardly " a horror of pudding" to not feed your children sugary stuff after every meal 🙄

We have it once a week after a nice meal at the weekend.
Everyone looks forward to it.
I cant imagine what size I would be if I ate a proper pudding every night !
I do think sugar is addictive and never snack on biscuits etc

81Byerley · 13/12/2020 10:23

I don't think puddings are a necessary part of the meal, so when we had them it was a real treat, and if I was serving what I knew to be a less popular meal, I'd say "I've got a treat for you today, but it's only for the people who eat all their dinner" I'd make sure I didn't give them too much dinner, because I didn't want mealtime battles.

beautifulmonument · 13/12/2020 10:26

We have the same thing in our house. Every night DS (5) whines "how many scoops?" Because DH always used to say "3 more scoops then you can have pudding".
Now he only eats anything if there's a pudding reward at the end 🙄

Because it's become an issue I think we need to give him pudding before dinner or no pudding at all but DH doesn't agree.