Withholding pudding if child hasn't eaten 'enough'

[Toriathebadger]

I'm a bit torn about this. DS3 (4) is becoming fussy, I think it's just a phase as he's always been a good eater and has plenty of fruit and veg. Just lately he's hardly been eating his meal and says he's gone off a lot of the food he would usually eat. His dad (ex dp) expects me to withhold pudding if ds hasn't eaten 'enough'. He does it with his dd (from previous) who is a fussy eater. He makes her stay at the table until she's eaten 'enough', and if she doesn't then she can't have pudding. It means she's often sat at the table alone shovelling food in reluctantly that she clearly doesn't want. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a happy medium here, as I encourage ds to eat a bit more but ultimately if he's finished then I let him have pudding and don't make an issue out of it. Ex is horrified and thinks I'm ridiculous.

Who is being unreasonable? Either of us? Just different parenting styles?

I'll quite often skip a main meal in favour of a pudding.

I don't have them often, as I'm a savoury person, but if there's something I really like on offer I'll have the big serving of ben and jerry's or cheesecake.

It's very occasional, but I need to manage my portion control and the amount I eat. My kids are teens but I have no issue with them doing the same. we'll have cake for lunch then a health tea. I see no point in forcing us all to eat a dinner to access "pudding" when we'd be full on just the pudding.

@ancientgran

If I could literally eat whatever I wanted I'm sure I'd not eat that healthy either. I have vegetables with every meal because it's good for me, not necessarily because I always want them. I'll have fruit instead of a chocolate bar as a snack for the same reason. Doesn't mean I wouldn't really prefer to have the chocolate bar! But are there things you don't buy because you don't like them? I eat a wide variety of foods, I like vegetables, I love potatoes, I love salads and I also love cake and chocolate but I never buy liver because I don't like it, I never buy kidneys because I don't like them either, I don't buy pork as my husband doesn't like it. So I don't think I'm particularly fussy but I might not enjoy a meal at someone else's house if they decide to serve liver and they might think I'm a fussy eater. I'm not, I just don't like liver.

Obviously yes. Which is why I said we don't feed the children things they don't like. But when every time they are 'too full' only when it comes to vegetables it becomes pretty obvious.

I expected Dd to finish her meal, surely that's the normal for adults too, you eat your meal with the expectation of finishing it?
What I did though, was to serve Dd around half to to thirds of what was a reasonable portion letting her know she could have more.
It worked.
The reason I didn't go down the route of 'a good try/just a few more bites', is because imo, and from what I've seen, it becomes how much can they get away with leaving.
Obviously there's times when things were different, but I'd say 95% of the time, you finish your food if you want dessert

I don't understand the idea of dessert after meals. On ocasion but not as standard. I agree with dropping dessert altogether for a while. Make veg fun. Roasted root veggies and squash in oil, honey and herbs. Don't just do peas. I love veg but plain greens dont excite me.

In the Food A and B example, I'd conclude that Food A was good for me and Food B was unhealthy - there's no indication of them tasting good or bad to me. If Food A was cauliflower and Food B was custard, I would eat A and stop. Hate custard.

I reward myself with sweets and do not have a weight problem. Sweets are a treat - we all know that added sugar is unnecessary and unhealthy. But a little is nice, and a great motivator sometimes even as an adult. It's the same for children.

In a world where unhealthy food is often cheaper and more readily available than healthy options, children need to learn to self-regulate. Finishing the healthy dinner and not expecting to fill up on sugary yoghurt in a good place to start.

My eldest is 3 and she can eat as much or as little as she likes. But if she is too full to finish her dinner, she is too full for pudding. Although generally we don't have much pudding, it's usually yogurt with sprinkles and fruit if we do have something.

I certainly don't make her eat a certain amount of food.

I’ve always done this with my DC. As a PP said, if they aren’t hungry enough to eat dinner they aren’t hungry enough to eat dessert.

Don't give pudding most of the time, and if you do, serve just a very small portion. But I wouldn't make a fuss of what they do or don't eat. Let them eat what they want - only offer the things you want them to eat and you will both feel you are getting some control!

DS will regularly try to claim he’s finished when he’s only eaten his preferred thing on the plate - tonight was burger in a bun with salad. He ate the plain bun and left everything else (eventually eating the salad and trying a bite of the burger after I prompted him). Unless I intervened almost every meal would follow the same pattern - plain carbs get eaten, everything else left.

I’ve taught him about a balanced diet. I won’t turn a blind eye to him trying to live off bread, pasta and rice. I won’t force him to eat anything he genuinely doesn’t like but I won’t let him off the hook if he’s ignored a pile of peas when I know he’s ok with them.

My mum has memories of being sat at the table on her own all lunchtime at school because she hadn't eaten her carrots.she didn't like carrots and ahed 71 still doesn't like them! My DS was a fussy eater although he has improved massively at age 5. If I said no pudding unless you eat your dinner he would just have said OK I don't want pudding then. He normally has fruit after lunch and more of a treat after dinner. I think withholding pudding is not a good way to deal with it - you will create an issue that isn't there.

As a child who had issues eating I would sit for hours couldn’t help it, therefore I have always encouraged my kids to eat and then split and compromise then let them leave the table I don’t however believe in giving them dessert, if they are hungry later then fruit or toast kids are far to clever to get away with eating crap saying they don’t like it
Giving them pudding to fill them up is just ridiculous

We have a fussy eater (undiagnosed allergies when she was younger) and the dietician suggested that ‘pudding’ (ypghurt or fruit salad) should be presented at the same time as dinner so she could eat in any order she wanted. She told us it was well documented and children usually ate more dinner when presented with both. It worked and she started eating much better and seemed to really enjoy it. Now hey are bigger I don’t give pudding unless they’ve eaten dinner but when they’re little I can see the harm. (If it’s healthy)

I've always believed firmly that food shouldn't be dangled as a reward. It creates an unhealthy attitude that eating food you really like is something you do when you've been "good". Lots of us are conditioned into overriding our natural appetite because we were taught from a young age that a clean plate (or as close to it as possible) was the ideal goal.

I've got 11yr old autistic twins, both with some food sensitivities. Despite this, they both eat healthy and balanced diet and have a far healthier attitude to food than I do. They'll leave a chocolate bar half-eaten, because they've had enough - I will soldier on, no matter how nauseous I feel :D They eat a decent range of food, and don't fill up on pudding just because it's available. Quite often it's just fruit, but they absolutely love fruit so that's no less enticing to them than ice-cream.

For my children, making the dinner table a battle-free zone has been important. If they've not eaten a lot, I might ask them whether they think they can try to eat a bit more and I tell them it's because they've not eaten as much as usual and I'm worried they might get hungry later. That tends to work because it's a co-operative approach rather than dictatorial. Being authoritative and heavy-handed doesn't really work well for mine, they just get anxious and their appetite vanishes.

It seems to me you have a handle on it.

Ignore the ex as he's a control freak, what you do in your house is your business and I would remind him of this and why he's your ex in the 1st place.

Just keep it lighthearted. My mum has an eating disorder thanks her mothers appalling behaviour at meal times that's she's had all her life and she's 61.

Pudding shouldn't be a reward for eating the 'boring' stuff - it sets up so many bad food associations. Equally, your ex shouldn't see giving him the pudding if he hasn't eaten enough as a 'reward'. Food is not a reward - it's an essential. Most of your calories should come from these foods, some can come from those. There's no reward - there's just food. Embed that now and you can hopefully avoid comfort eating later in life - for me, raised like your ex would like, food is absolutely a reward, and I'm overweight.

No one should be forced to plough their way through anything they don't feel the need. Some days, what's enough is different to others, depending on how active they've been or how well they are feeling. Stand your ground here.

You’re teaching your child that pudding is better than dinner. Pudding shouldn’t be used as a bribe or reward.

You are right DH is so so wrong. However the selection of pudding can very much depend on what and how much has been eaten.

Many food issues stem back to this type of feeding when children are young.

My mum used to encourage us to eat more of our dinner, but we were never rewarded with pudding or punished for not eating enough. Likewise, if we didn’t enough at dinner and were hungry later we were not allowed to fill ourselves up on unhealthy snacks, we’d could have toast or cereal instead.

My fiancée and my brothers wife were brought up to clean their plates and were rewarded with pudding for doing so and they both struggle massively with their weight and comfort eating. Myself and my brother have never had any issues.

So while I don’t agree with letting a child eat whatever they want, I also don’t agree with forcing them to clear plates or eat more of food than they want, I think it creates anxiety and unhealthy attitudes around food. My fiancée will literally clear the plate no matter how much food is given because she was taught that’s “good” and “polite”. It’s a very dangerous thing to teach a child imo.

If my children eat all their salad or veg then they can have pudding. I would not make them force down an entire dinner to be rewarded with a pudding.

Haven’t read full thread, but I’m “old fashioned” I’m afraid and would also say if you don’t eat your dinner, you don’t get pudding. End of.
Of course, I wouldn’t force a child to eat what I know they really don’t like....but they wouldn’t get pudding as a replacement!
I’d feed a main meal of something I know they like (or can tolerate). If it’s all eaten up and they have room, then pudding is fine.
If dinner is not eaten up, then no pudding.

Just don't offer any desserts, unless it's an apple or an orange etc. Otherwise let the child eat as much or little as she wants. I'm sure she will regulate her intake after a short time. Please don't turn mealtimes into a stress.

You do know about the “dessert” stomach don’t you.... sometimes a person will be bored or unenthused with their meal and they will automatically feel “full” but there is that second stomach that will always take dessert.... I was a very bad eater as a child and forcing them to eat just makes them start to gag as it is the body rejecting it.... I could be eating my favourite and randomly start gagging in the middle and then not be able to stomach it for months .... and it was made worse by being forced to eat when my body was saying it had had enough of that particular food.... fussiness will not harm in the long run, I eat better than I ever did as a child ( though never veg) and have never been ill through my bad diet even when I could only eat cereal, cake and chocolate ( and this was for a few years)

Obviously yes. Which is why I said we don't feed the children things they don't like. But when every time they are 'too full' only when it comes to vegetables it becomes pretty obvious. Can't you "hide" them? I used to get a fussy eater to have loads of veg in things like a chilli. I have a GS who doesn't like cooked veg but he will eat things like carrots, celery, peas if they are raw so we just serve them raw.

never force feed and never use food as a punishment , kids will go through phases of liking and not liking certain foods throughout their childhood , obv encourage them to eat more but dont make it a chore, ask what foids they do like now, get them to help make the food and maybe offer fruit as a pudding rather than other sweet stuff , but disagree with your hubby

I found both of my kids went through this stage at that age. Sometimes they’re just too tired answer will accept you feeding them (it’s not babying them, they’re just shattered). Other times they are being fussy and, as you know, their favourites ans hates change daily! Nothing worse than a hangry child so if all else fails, a banana/rice pudding will make sure they’ll fall asleep without a rumbling tummy. I usually insist on 3 more spoons or so of dinner and then act very shocked it they eat any more, this has probably turned into a game now as they will then insist on more and even finish the plate! Be prepared to do a silly victory dance and even fall on the floor in shock. Kids are so easy to manipulate!! I’ve always insisted they should at least taste the food and if they really don’t like it, fair enough. If they’ve had a good lunch, don’t worry. This is the time you can avoid damaging food habits for life and I’ll never forget being forced to sit at the table for hours when I wasn’t hungry or detested the food. It’s probably the reason I’m overweight now, as we were taught to clear the plate.