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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by a 4 year old note

154 replies

soopedup · 12/12/2020 20:32

AIBU? Would you be upset at finding a note from your partner/OH calling you a “crazy psycho”?
We’ve got a huge and heavy fridge/freezer which is set inside a kitchen unit. It’s impossible for me to move alone. Today my kids were playing and threw something in the air and it went down the back of the fridge freezer. Long story short, my DH moved it out. Retrieved thing. Enough space for youngest to crawl behind. While he was there I gave him a dustpan and asked him to clean up all the fluff etc. No problem. My DH remarks that he cleans behind the fridge every year. Next thing he comes out clutching a note written to me by my husband dated 4 years ago. It says “you should clean behind me more. Love you crazy psycho” it was read out in front of the kids. He immediately apologised and said “hope you take it for the joke it was meant”. I’m actually feeling really down about it. I don’t leave notes when I clean the downstairs loo (even though I rarely use it) every few days of other people’s poop stains. I just find this a bit strange and I don’t know what to make of it. There’s a history of him calling me psycho when we argue. It’s his go to. The fact the kids heard it has made me deflated. I’ve accepted his apology but I’m just so down about it. I’d like others opinions on this please so I can work out if I’m BU to feel weird about it.

OP posts:
Love51 · 13/12/2020 07:14

I can't believe the grief the op is getting because someone did something mean and weird they could plausibly claim very little responsibility for, and she's upset.
I'd be pointing out that if he cleans behind the fridge every year he has had 3 chances to think to destroy it because it is offensive, and chose not to, why did he repeat his lapse in judgement.
This is on of those that falls under the "just banter" banner when it is really someone being unkind.
How was your relationship.4 years ago? If it is better now that it was then, I'd let it go as a relic from the past.

Moo678 · 13/12/2020 07:40

In the context of my own relationship I would not be at all upset by this. But you obviously have completely different dynamics and therefore I don’t really think polling random people on the internet is going to give you any useful information.

HikeForward · 13/12/2020 07:49

I’d take it as a joke. But I confess I’ve never cleaned behind a fridge in my life 😂

My DH often leaves ‘clues’ for me to hint I should clean/tidy something eg an empty packet on the kitchen windowsill to hint I need to put stuff in the recycling. Unfortunately I rarely notice the clues, or I assume he left it there because he was saving it for something 😂

BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 07:52

@HikeForward

I’d take it as a joke. But I confess I’ve never cleaned behind a fridge in my life 😂

My DH often leaves ‘clues’ for me to hint I should clean/tidy something eg an empty packet on the kitchen windowsill to hint I need to put stuff in the recycling. Unfortunately I rarely notice the clues, or I assume he left it there because he was saving it for something 😂

He should do those things himself rather than leaving clues for you... it's not your job 🙄
motherrunner · 13/12/2020 07:56

Well I don’t clean behind my fridge but if I found a note like this I would laugh. I guess it’s dependent on what type of relationship you have with your DH. DH and I take the piss out of each other constantly, our WhatsApp conversation is just full of weird memes, so if I found something like that I would assume it was a joke. If however, you don’t have that sort of banter with your DH then I would also be wondering what has given him cause to write it.

spaceghetto · 13/12/2020 08:16

I write notes to my ds and dh and hide them in the Christmas decoration box so they can read them a year later. My dh thinks it's quite odd. (I completely agree).

HikeForward · 13/12/2020 08:23

He should do those things himself rather than leaving clues for you... it's not your job 🙄

I agree, but his standards are higher than mine. And it always backfires on him as I misinterpret the clues or don’t notice them. So the empty packet stays on the windowsill for a week with him hoping it conveys a message and me thinking he’s saving it for something 😂

I’ve told him just to tell me outright as I don’t have time for clue trails!

Tellmetruth4 · 13/12/2020 08:31

Forgot to add that regardless of whether the note was jokey or not I’d be pissed if my DH left me a note to clean anything. If he’s able bodied he can do it?

I’ve only ever clean behind fridges when they’re being replaced.

mandarinpink · 13/12/2020 08:46

@Tellmetruth4

Forgot to add that regardless of whether the note was jokey or not I’d be pissed if my DH left me a note to clean anything. If he’s able bodied he can do it?

I’ve only ever clean behind fridges when they’re being replaced.

All this never cleaning behind fridges - and being proud of it - is a bit skanky.
noworklifebalance · 13/12/2020 08:54

All this never cleaning behind fridges - and being proud of it - is a bit skanky

I have never come across cleaning behind a fridge as a concept!
Why would you do such a thing?! Confused

yellowhighheels · 13/12/2020 09:01

Those who would find this funny and believe the problem lies with the OP, where does the boundary lie for you in terms of what would not be funny, out of interest- 'you worthless c*nt', 'you disgusting idiot', 'you fat loser'?

I don't think 'you crazy psycho' is so much less offensive than these as to show the OP up as hard work and unable to have a laugh. It's not as though he wrote 'you silly sausage'.

Not saying others wouldn't be entitled to find this funny in their own relationships. I am just a bit puzzled why it is such a stretch for this to be a bit upsetting for the OP rather than an overreaction.

ConfusedNoMore · 13/12/2020 09:50

I don't like this at all. So he cleans behind this fridge because you physically can't. So when were you meant to see this note? So he is being passive aggressive, because he thinks it's your job really.

Coupled with crazy psycho and your low self esteem.. it's ringing some alarm bells for me.

Some nasty comments in here which won't help. Standing up for yourself does not make you hard work.

Fully explore this incident in counseling. Then decide how to talk to your DH about it. He knows when and why he wrote it. It is weird. He needs to own this and explain properly what was behind it.

If crazy psycho is his go to in arguments,that is a tactic to shut you down. Do not accept it.

RosesforMama · 13/12/2020 09:56

The crazy psycho bit wouldn't annoy me. It's the assumption that cleaning behind the fridge is YOUR job when obviously it's easier physically for him to move the fridge etc. I have less patience than I used to for this kind of assumption of "women's work".

Fwiw my fridge has been in situ for 5 years and never been cleaned behind.

Soundbyte · 13/12/2020 09:58

Because I’m a well educated, compassionate, kind, sensible person who prides myself on being well thought out and fair. I have training in finances and law and don’t think crazy psycho is a fair representation of me in front of my kids

This is so seriously over the top... perhaps he has a point?

TamingToddler · 13/12/2020 10:03

I think I'd find it funny. I leave notes for DP every now and then, in his lunchbox like "eat your fruit nobhead" and random pages of his notebook, maybe "love you" maybe calling him a twat.
Tbf we're in our 20's and I know he finds them funny!

user89 · 13/12/2020 10:29

@soopedup

Because I’m a well educated, compassionate, kind, sensible person who prides myself on being well thought out and fair. I have training in finances and law and don’t think crazy psycho is a fair representation of me in front of my kids
Sorry OP, but I really do think you are being a bit over dramatic - it's a stupid note, tell him he's a knob and put it in the bin.
UnpropitiousNightmares · 13/12/2020 10:45

All I can advise is.. you know your husband best.

If my Partner had done the same thing I would have have laughed; I'd automatically see it as a joke because I know she would never want to hurt me.

Tellmetruth4 · 13/12/2020 10:45

‘All this never cleaning behind fridges - and being proud of it - is a bit skanky.’

My current fridge is inbuilt into a cupboard so I can’t get behind it. The others were pushed up against the wall. What, apart from dust is going to be there to clean? The last time I moved a fridge to replace it there was dust, not hazmat suit level muck and not worth the effort of moving the whole appliance to get behind. Obviously if I’d gashed my hand and a litre of blood had gushed under it then I’d do it!

MawkishHawk · 13/12/2020 10:53

We just moved house and found 27 hair elastics under the fridge. Cat likes to ping them around when he can get hold of them Xmas Grin.

OP you’re allowed to feel how you feel. I would object to being called crazy psycho, would not find it cute/affectionate as I have MH issues and they are not cute.

HeckyPeck · 13/12/2020 12:45

Of course you are sensitive to the word when he uses it to shut you down in arguments.

Exactly.

People are being right bastards on this thread.

I'm sorry your husband treats you the way he does. Calling you a psycho in arguments is not acceptable. When you are with someone who undermines you like that then things other people in healthy relationships might laugh at just aren't funny.

Circumlocutious · 13/12/2020 12:48

@RosesforMama

The crazy psycho bit wouldn't annoy me. It's the assumption that cleaning behind the fridge is YOUR job when obviously it's easier physically for him to move the fridge etc. I have less patience than I used to for this kind of assumption of "women's work".

Fwiw my fridge has been in situ for 5 years and never been cleaned behind.

You’ve literally just described something as ‘men’s work’ because of its physical exertion. It’s not even true in this case. Moving (/sliding) a fridge takes minimal physical effort for either gender.
emilyfrost · 13/12/2020 12:56

YABU. You’re taking this way too personally; it’s a funny, sweet joke.

RosesforMama · 13/12/2020 13:10

Circumlocutions: "You’ve literally just described something as ‘men’s work’ because of its physical exertion. It’s not even true in this case. Moving (/sliding) a fridge takes minimal physical effort for either gender."

The OP literally states that she cannot move her fridge. I cant move mine either.

It is a biological fact that, on average, women are less physically strong (in terms of pushing, pulling, lifting,) than men. I have no patience for denial of basic biology in the name of equality. On the other hand, either sex (gender is irrelevant) is capable of wiping and sweeping under said fridge.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 13:32

I don’t leave notes when I clean the downstairs loo (even though I rarely use it) every few days of other people’s poop stains.

I know it's not the point of the thread but why do so many women think it's their job to clean up everyone else's literal shit?! Is there a reason your husband can't clean his own shit off the toilet, or his kids' shit?

alecguinnessgenuineclass · 13/12/2020 13:49

I think it's weird and certainly not funny or "sweet". But I'd probably just roll my eyes and bin it. The fact it's really bothering you probably tells you something about your relationship.