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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by a 4 year old note

154 replies

soopedup · 12/12/2020 20:32

AIBU? Would you be upset at finding a note from your partner/OH calling you a “crazy psycho”?
We’ve got a huge and heavy fridge/freezer which is set inside a kitchen unit. It’s impossible for me to move alone. Today my kids were playing and threw something in the air and it went down the back of the fridge freezer. Long story short, my DH moved it out. Retrieved thing. Enough space for youngest to crawl behind. While he was there I gave him a dustpan and asked him to clean up all the fluff etc. No problem. My DH remarks that he cleans behind the fridge every year. Next thing he comes out clutching a note written to me by my husband dated 4 years ago. It says “you should clean behind me more. Love you crazy psycho” it was read out in front of the kids. He immediately apologised and said “hope you take it for the joke it was meant”. I’m actually feeling really down about it. I don’t leave notes when I clean the downstairs loo (even though I rarely use it) every few days of other people’s poop stains. I just find this a bit strange and I don’t know what to make of it. There’s a history of him calling me psycho when we argue. It’s his go to. The fact the kids heard it has made me deflated. I’ve accepted his apology but I’m just so down about it. I’d like others opinions on this please so I can work out if I’m BU to feel weird about it.

OP posts:
August20 · 12/12/2020 22:09

In the context of a normal, loving relationship I would find the note funny and have no problem with children hearing it. Like writing
clean me on a car.

But it sounds like there is more going on given your reaction and his history of calling you a psycho during arguments. Also weird to put it behind the fridge if he is the only one strong enough to move it.

Porridgeoat · 12/12/2020 22:10

I would find it funny, however my DH wouldn’t call me psycho in an argument

Conkergame · 12/12/2020 22:13

OP YADNBU. “Crazy psycho” is clearly not a term of endearment. Tbh it’s a term often used by abusive men to gaslight their partners. My ex used it for me every time I accused him of doing something wrong which he was trying to deny and hide from me.

Does he often put you down? Especially in front of other people?

BonnieDundee · 12/12/2020 22:18

I think a lot of posters are missing that he uses this word in arguments with the OP. In the context of a loving relationship its absolutely fine but given he uses this insult to put her down I dont think she is either exhausting or hard work

GabsAlot · 12/12/2020 22:20

i think people are missing some points

he calls her that in arguments-theyre not in a good place in their marriage

Jenala · 12/12/2020 22:20

I was going to say YABU because it reads like an off the cuff joke. But if calling you a "crazy psycho" is his go to in arguments then obviously there's a bit of context there that you feel this is more of a nasty dig than a light hearted joke.

I think that it's not unreasonable to feel upset and at any rate no emotions are unreasonable (some actions in response to an emotion are unreasonable of course). Emotions are just messages to your brain, so let yourself feel it rather than berate yourself that you shouldn't. Accepting that it hurts you might do a surprising amount to dissipate the feeling.

It sounds like the note was just a joke but that it's hurtful to you because of the past. I think it's possible to both recognise in this case it was a joke but also note that this particular comment is causing you to feel upset because of how it's been used before.

anothernc4you · 12/12/2020 22:22

This wouldn’t bother me at all.

Regularsizedrudy · 12/12/2020 22:23

I must also be humourless and hard work because being called crazy psycho for not cleaning behind the fridge (like that’s my job???) would piss me off. It’s the type of language abusive men use to gas light. (Not saying he is abusive but that’s why it would trigger my fuck off radar)

user1481840227 · 12/12/2020 22:23

The note wouldn't bother me on its own.

There’s a history of him calling me psycho when we argue. It’s his go to.

But the above absolutely would. Of course you are sensitive to the word when he uses it to shut you down in arguments.

Ohtherewearethen · 12/12/2020 22:27

If the fridge freezer is set within a unit how did something fall behind it? And why would your husband put a date on a silly note four years ago, then ignore it for four years every time he cleans behind it? What does having training in finances and law actually mean? Why do you see that as an important part of your character, rather than being a great mum/companion/friend, etc? None of this makes sense.

Cam2020 · 12/12/2020 22:31

I don't think I'd like being called a crazy psycho either, however I don't think he intended harm (obviously impossible to say without knowing him.). I do think though, that when you're feeling taken for granted, undermined or fed up in general, you're more likely to read it that way.

Donotlikemyname · 12/12/2020 22:32

It’s a bit pointless asking people if the notes ok on here, as it’s all comes down to your individual relationship. Crazy psycho might be a term of endearment to some and wildly offensive to someone with a history of mental illness. You have said that in the past he has used the term to belittle you and now he’s got your kids joining in too? Also you referred to counselling, is he supportive of that ?
Are you doing the bulk of the housework and this note reinforces feelings of being taken for granted.
I would just speak to him and explain how you feel about it.

anxiouswaiting · 12/12/2020 22:35

I mean this kindly, but do you think perhaps the issues you are having already( you mentioned self-esteem) may be colouring how you feel about this and view it? When the note was written it sounds like it was probably meant in jest - 4 years is a long time. He may have made a poor attempt at being funny, but it doesn't sound like he was trying to be malicious

LEELULUMPKIN · 12/12/2020 22:36

I'd find it funny but DH and I probably have a weird sense of humour.

It's served us well for 28 years.

There must definitely be more going on if this is bothering you.

ThirstyGhost · 12/12/2020 22:38

There must be an escalation of other things for you to feel this way about this note. In and of itself it doesn't merit this reaction. Have his passive aggressive comments (the ones you mention) been getting worse recently or something? I have a history of mental health issues so the psycho comment would upset me for obvious reasons. It's something my partner would never say. Without my history it would only upset me if it's something your partner says a lot to shut down disagreements? That's not on if so.

I'm a massively over-sensitive person who tends to over-analyse every frickin' comment and thing (I'm working on it!) and I find when I over-react to something it's because either I'm feeling low or shitty about myself or there's something else going on (existing relationship problems or similar). There's obviously more to it here is what I'm saying.

anxiouswaiting · 12/12/2020 22:38

Sorry hadn't read the full thread - calling you a psycho during arguments is not ok at all!

My husband and I call each other all sorts of things as 'banter' and if he called me a psycho as part of that I wouldn't take it badly despite a long history of mental health issues. BUT if we were arguing and he used that it would be totally different.

Holly60 · 12/12/2020 22:38

I think only you can decide if the note is an affectionate joke or not, because only you know your DH so can gauge how to take it.

Posters saying they would take it as a joke are probably coming from the perspective of people whose partners would only say that in jest. If you don’t think he was joking, or if you don’t have the type of relationship where that would be lightly said and heard, then YANBU to be upset.

You have two options I think:

  1. Forget about it and move on (it was written 4 years ago and you would not remember a comment it it had been made 4 years ago.
  2. Chat to DH and explain how it has made you feel, and perhaps he will apologise for making you feel bad
Prisonbreak · 12/12/2020 22:40

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Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 22:40

I’d also find this quite amusing, but I’m not you and it’s upset you. To be honest he should know you well enough to know you don’t have a sense of humour about this sort of thing. However I think it was intended to be funny. He did write also he loved you.

I’d agree with the pps. Why start the thread if you’ve made your mind up? You don’t find it funny and are very upset. It doesn’t matter if anyone else would be amused by it.

LunaMuffinTop · 12/12/2020 22:40

YANBU op it’s not a joke and I think everyone on here has missed the part where you said There’s a history of him calling me psycho when we argue. It’s his go to that’s why him calling you a crazy psycho has upset you because that’s what he says to upset you in a argument because he knows it hurts that’s not a joke that’s being a nasty bully and if he cleans behind that fridge every year then he’s deliberately left that note there for you to find one day and there really was no need to read it out in front of your children so sorry op that’s shitty behaviour on your DH’s part.

liveitwell · 12/12/2020 22:41

Given there's history of him calling you a "psycho" in arguments, I wouldn't take kindly to his note either.

If he didnt use that term in arguments I'd assume it was a joke.

Aneley · 12/12/2020 22:44

In all honesty, if my DH did that I'd think its hilarious and we'd have a laugh together... but the fact that you don't seem to think this is a joke suggests that you may have some doubts about your DH's respect for you? I agree that reading it out loud in front of the kids is a bit tricky if they're too young to be explained the joke - but I wouldn't really blame him for it either - he probably completely forgot he wrote it and what he wrote (it was 4 years ago!) so may have read it out loud before he realized what he's reading and what the implications may be.

disneybee · 12/12/2020 22:44

It does sound like it's a lighthearted funny note - but the use of the word 'psycho' is allowed to upset you. It has stigma and connotations. Us women can often find it difficult to mange our mental health, with all the stresses and hormonal imbalances we are battling. You would be completely justified to say to him, "Please don't call me 'psycho' even if it's a joke"

And - that goes for men too! Everyone is allowed to struggle with their mental health x

Siw2020 · 12/12/2020 22:45

This wouldnt bother me in the slightest. Especially as it came after a 'love you'.

How do you know its 4 years old? Was it dated?
Why are you so upset by this? Makes it sound like theres other problems, if there wasn't it makes no sense to be offended by it.

Some might think your reaction is a bit... crazy...

Takemetothebar · 12/12/2020 22:49

I’d find it funny and not in the least bit offensive. Notes like that, with the love you part, would be amusing to me. I told my husband he was being a complete whack job tonight as he was playing some stupid game pulling faces at the dog....

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