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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by a 4 year old note

154 replies

soopedup · 12/12/2020 20:32

AIBU? Would you be upset at finding a note from your partner/OH calling you a “crazy psycho”?
We’ve got a huge and heavy fridge/freezer which is set inside a kitchen unit. It’s impossible for me to move alone. Today my kids were playing and threw something in the air and it went down the back of the fridge freezer. Long story short, my DH moved it out. Retrieved thing. Enough space for youngest to crawl behind. While he was there I gave him a dustpan and asked him to clean up all the fluff etc. No problem. My DH remarks that he cleans behind the fridge every year. Next thing he comes out clutching a note written to me by my husband dated 4 years ago. It says “you should clean behind me more. Love you crazy psycho” it was read out in front of the kids. He immediately apologised and said “hope you take it for the joke it was meant”. I’m actually feeling really down about it. I don’t leave notes when I clean the downstairs loo (even though I rarely use it) every few days of other people’s poop stains. I just find this a bit strange and I don’t know what to make of it. There’s a history of him calling me psycho when we argue. It’s his go to. The fact the kids heard it has made me deflated. I’ve accepted his apology but I’m just so down about it. I’d like others opinions on this please so I can work out if I’m BU to feel weird about it.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 12/12/2020 22:50

He clearly believes you are responsible for all cleaning.

Maybe suggest he takes over responsibility for the loos?

BananaBMumma · 12/12/2020 22:50

Take it as a joke and move on, you’re wasting too much energy on this. If the psycho bothers you, just ask him to respectfully not call you that in front of the kids and ensure you have a conversation with them explaining why you shouldn’t use words that have an actual condition linked to as a derogatory comment. Not highlighting the event, just as a general conversation.

peboh · 12/12/2020 22:52

I'd think it was funny if I found a note like that from my husband. It's dated four years ago, no pointing in holding a grudge.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/12/2020 22:54

DP called me 'an appalling wreck of a human being' earlier this year, and I laughed until I cried because it was bloody funny. In context... He also regularly calls me 'my fucking little nutjob' & 'massive twat'. I don't take offence at those, because he means it affectionately & it's usually a way of breaking some kind of tension between us. He doesn't say those things when we argue.

But I think there are probably more things going on here than that one note. From the outside, it does seem like you're overreacting IMO. But you know him, we don't.

bigbadbedknobs · 12/12/2020 23:10

Not at all being unreasonable, he belittled you too reading it out in front of the children. Who is anyone to deny your feelings. Nasty of him to out it there dated in the first place

fatherfintanstack · 12/12/2020 23:11

OP I don't think YABU. Unless it's an affectionate, two- sided in joke, then 'crazy psycho' is not a very nice term to use and I wouldn't be falling about laughing.

The note itself was funny. If it had called you a name such as 'you scruffy get' pertaining to not cleaning the fridge then that would have been funny but I definitely feel where you're coming from. Especially as he has used that term in anger. It makes no sense as a joke so it feels unkind. What does not cleaning the fridge have to do with being a 'psycho'?

It sounds like there might be more to this. If not, don't hold onto it as a grudge but I would want him to promise not to call you that again and to move on.

CloudMoon · 12/12/2020 23:15

I wouldn't like that. Of all the things he could have said as an endearing joke just waiting to be found, it was 'crazy psycho'? Oldest derogatory female insult in the book.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2020 23:28

Only you know the context here op so you'll get no definitive yay or nay, because we're not you, in your relationship with your dh.

LEELULUMPKIN · 12/12/2020 23:28

@CloudMoon Sadly there are far worse and older ones than that.

PetertheWalrus · 12/12/2020 23:33

how do I defend myself against the crazy psycho dig? That’s not affectionate banter is it?

It would be between DW and me, but I suppose all relationships are different. I'd pay more attention to the words "love you" that come before it if I were you.

RightYesButNo · 13/12/2020 00:18

This reply has been deleted

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MummytoCSJH · 13/12/2020 02:52

To be fair @RightYesButNo the OP does literally say 'a noted written to me by my husband dated 4 years ago' and (assuming this is real for a minute) if he just meant it as a joke maybe he would date it so he could say 'ha! Took you 6 months/a year/4 years to find this, knew you never cleaned behind the fridge...', so it doesn't seem completely implausible that this could happen.

Tellmetruth4 · 13/12/2020 04:41

I think a lot of the responses are quite rude especially those saying you sound crazy when you’ve already said this a trigger for you.

DH have a lot of banter but there are things that upset me that he would know not to say unless he was deliberately trying to hurt me e.g. if he called me ‘fat’ or something. Your DH knows that word hurts you so when he says it he can’t use the ‘bantz’defence.

Those posters who are telling you to lighten up are colluding in his gaslighting of you. I’m not saying LTB but YANBU to be hurt.

FourPlatinumRings · 13/12/2020 04:46

Personally, I think it's a bit off that he calls you names when you're arguing. I wouldn't be ok with that, regardless of the note.

FourPlatinumRings · 13/12/2020 04:49

I also don't like that he's expecting OP to be the one to clean behind there; he lives there too. He should be able to clean something without having to leave a note to prove he's the only one who does it/needle the OP for not having done it.

rottiemum88 · 13/12/2020 05:13

@soopedup

I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’m hard work at all. I think it’s a bit weird to put a note like that behind the fridge. I clean things he doesn’t but I don’t put notes out about it.
You're very obviously an over thinker with a complete absence of any sense of humour. And yes you do sound like hard work. The note wouldn't bother me 🤷🏼‍♀️
mandarinpink · 13/12/2020 05:15

Come on, it's funny and affectionate.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill

fatherfintanstack · 13/12/2020 06:28

I'm not convinced at how many people on here would be tickled and delighted at being called a crazy psycho by their husband when he also uses this term in anger. I wonder would this really be the case if it happened to them?

Even if so, I'm not sure why the OP is difficult or humourless for not equally enjoying being insulted in this way. As a joke with no context, surely it would come under the 'edgy' category at best which not everyone appreciates.

christmasathomeagain · 13/12/2020 06:33

I think this would depend on your relationship. I would probably laugh if I found that note. I certainly wouldn't be bothered being called a crazy psycho, but then I'm confident I'm not and dh and I have a bantering/joke insult type relationship sometimes.

CoalCraft · 13/12/2020 06:45

The spirit in which it was written matters here and I don't suppose that's something you can ever know for sure. My first thought was that it was a joke, but "psycho" is quite strong for that, and if he uses it in arguments I'd maybe wonder if it was done in a fit of spite at side point.

Btw, name-calling in arguments isn't okay. As adults we know that even when we're upset with them, we still love and respect them. Heat of the moment isn't an excuse. I'd talk to him about that.

eaglejulesk · 13/12/2020 06:52

I really feel sad for many people today. Some seem to have no sense of humour, over-analyse everything, and find offense in everything they see or hear. There is a real lack of fun and silliness, which has always been helpful in dealing with tough times - I can now see why so many are struggling to deal with life. Lighten up and laugh!

AnotherEmma · 13/12/2020 06:56

@Cocomarine

I would love it if I found a 4 year old note teasing me re cleaning, from my husband who is kind, respectful, loving and funny.

He sure as hell wouldn’t write, “crazy psycho” in it.

I think it’s a shitty little note, given that you’ve said he calls you psycho in arguments.

I don’t think it’s worth focusing on this note though. I expect that if this note is because he’s an arsehole rather than a nice joker, you have more than enough examples to work with in counselling. He’s passive aggressive, calls you psycho in arguments - and those self esteem and confidence issues are coming from somewhere. Not necessarily him... but he’s a candidate. I wouldn’t fry your head wondering if people on here think you’re right or wrong. I would take your thoughts to counselling.

The point is, if he was a nice joker who made you feel loved, you’d never have posted this.

This
dottiedaisee · 13/12/2020 06:56

@PrtScn

How do you know it was a 4 year old note? Did he date it? #missespointofthread
This...how do you know it was written 4 years ago?
LynetteScavo · 13/12/2020 07:10

The note was dated- so when the OP found it, she'd realise how long she hadn't cleaned behind the fridge.

But the DH claimed he cleans behind the fridge every year- which he obviously doesn't! That would be my issue! (Or he does and he left the note there)

The op obviously doesn't like being called a psycho. It wouldn't bother me.

noworklifebalance · 13/12/2020 07:10

It depends OP:

  1. How was your relationship 4 years ago? Did you joke and banter with each other? Was he calling you “psycho” in arguments back then?
  2. Do you tend to be over sensitive?
(I mean this in a kind way, as I am like this with people outside my family but tend to stew over it then shake it off). It is possible to be hard work even if you cook and make favourites puddings or have a degree. No need to answer on here.
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