to be upset by a 4 year old note

[soopedup]

AIBU? Would you be upset at finding a note from your partner/OH calling you a “crazy psycho”?
We’ve got a huge and heavy fridge/freezer which is set inside a kitchen unit. It’s impossible for me to move alone. Today my kids were playing and threw something in the air and it went down the back of the fridge freezer. Long story short, my DH moved it out. Retrieved thing. Enough space for youngest to crawl behind. While he was there I gave him a dustpan and asked him to clean up all the fluff etc. No problem. My DH remarks that he cleans behind the fridge every year. Next thing he comes out clutching a note written to me by my husband dated 4 years ago. It says “you should clean behind me more. Love you crazy psycho” it was read out in front of the kids. He immediately apologised and said “hope you take it for the joke it was meant”. I’m actually feeling really down about it. I don’t leave notes when I clean the downstairs loo (even though I rarely use it) every few days of other people’s poop stains. I just find this a bit strange and I don’t know what to make of it. There’s a history of him calling me psycho when we argue. It’s his go to. The fact the kids heard it has made me deflated. I’ve accepted his apology but I’m just so down about it. I’d like others opinions on this please so I can work out if I’m BU to feel weird about it.

I’m sure you’re all those things. So am I. That’s why I couldn’t begin to assume it was intended as a seriously meant insult.

[quote soopedup]@sophiestew it’s not been great to be honest. You wouldn’t take offence at the psycho comment?[/quote]
No because I know my DH adores me and it would be a joke if he called me that - "What are you like, you psycho""?"

However, I have been in relationships where such a comment would feel very different, hence my question. Is there anything you can do to address the underlying issues? Counselling?

The fact that he read this out loud infront of the kids would have me pushing the fuck off button on my marriage because that would be the end (I'm not suggesting you do this just saying what I would do)

I can only assume that there are bigger things going on to make you feel this way.

Your response is abit psycho tbf. It was a joke from 4 years ago.

@soopedup

Because I’m a well educated, compassionate, kind, sensible person who prides myself on being well thought out and fair. I have training in finances and law and don’t think crazy psycho is a fair representation of me in front of my kids

What's your training got to do with anything?!

It was a teasing and absolutely un-serious joke, and he used 'crazy psycho as a term of jokey endearment. I tend to use "you big dafty" or "you madhead" and we all laugh. Even thought the people I use it too have high level degrees.

You seem to take things very literally, OP.

@slipperywhensparticus

The fact that he read this out loud infront of the kids would have me pushing the fuck off button on my marriage because that would be the end (I'm not suggesting you do this just saying what I would do)

You aren't serious surely?

I’m already having counselling myself for self esteem and self confidence

My DH would do something like this as a joke and I would laugh.

But with the history you mention of him calling you psycho in an argument and knowing it upsets you, I'd not be happy. If he wanted the marriage to continue, he'd have to work pretty hard at.it

That’s not affectionate banter is it?

Yes, unless he's a psycho himself, it's clearly meant as a joke. Presumably things are not good for you to feel the need to defend yourself against a silly thing like this? The problems may be his fault be he hasn't done anything wrong here.

The first bit of the note could be a joke but together it’s not is it.

That's not how humour works. Either you are not very good at detecting humour or your judgement is affected by whatever is going on.

You are going to get some posters telling you your husband is disrespecting you (because that's what's MN is like) and encouraging conflict. Instead of listening to them, go talk to your husband about how you feel.

Wouldn't bother me...

@saraclara It was a teasing and absolutely un-serious joke, and he used 'crazy psycho as a term of jokey endearment. I tend to use "you big dafty" or "you madhead" and we all laugh. Even thought the people I use it too have high level degrees.

You seem to take things very literally, OP.

It's also a term OPS dh uses to belittle her in an argument. He knows it's not a term of endearment for her.

If DH left me a note like this, I'd probably just throw it at him

IMO it's not offensive but it depends on your relationship, I guess.

I'd take it as a joke. But you don't like it and that's fine. Does he still call you psycho now after you've told him you don't like it?

Sorry to say but you are massively overreacting here. It's just being unnecessarily sensitive and I also feel like you're taking it out of context and making it a far bigger deal than it needs to be.

On the face of it, it seems you are way overthinking / overreacting to a perhaps slightly off the mark cutesy joke note.

But it's bothering you and that is valid and suggests there's slightly more to this than written: you've said that your relationship isn't great. I'd suggest that's your problem. Not the note itself, or it's wording.

I would love it if I found a 4 year old note teasing me re cleaning, from my husband who is kind, respectful, loving and funny.

He sure as hell wouldn’t write, “crazy psycho” in it.

I think it’s a shitty little note, given that you’ve said he calls you psycho in arguments.

I don’t think it’s worth focusing on this note though. I expect that if this note is because he’s an arsehole rather than a nice joker, you have more than enough examples to work with in counselling. He’s passive aggressive, calls you psycho in arguments - and those self esteem and confidence issues are coming from somewhere. Not necessarily him... but he’s a candidate. I wouldn’t fry your head wondering if people on here think you’re right or wrong. I would take your thoughts to counselling.

The point is, if he was a nice joker who made you feel loved, you’d never have posted this.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’m hard work at all. I think it’s a bit weird to put a note like that behind the fridge. I clean things he doesn’t but I don’t put notes out about it.

I would think it was funny and I assume there is some context neither of you remember, like you called him psycho for cleaning behind the fridge etc etc.

I think you are being a little sensitive.

For context, I spent most of yesterday home cooking for him and the family. Tasty meals and puddings I know he likes. So if that makes me hard work then well...

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest - sounds like affectionate teasing rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt you. But I'm not you - I like it when people tease me. I enjoy the attention and can generally hold my own and add to the entertainment with a decent comeback. So I'm struggling to understand why it is THIS painful to receive a note like this.

The only way it could possibly be an issue is if he wrote the note knowing that you would be hurt by it.

I would find it funny personally. But it sounds like there’s a bit more to this, so I don’t think YABU

I think you're all missing the ops point entirely.

You don't need to defend yourself OP