Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

I don't understand why women get into relationships with such useless arseholes.. If he did fuck all before you had your baby, why did you think he would be different after?

wizard
what a brilliant post you quoted!

I sign up to every word.

@Crankley how is that helpful to the OP? All she can do now is deal with the situation she is currently in.

@Respectabitch great name. I'm not extremely vulnerable to covid per se but I have a chronic neurological disease (MS) which means I really should try to avoid it. I think I'm classed as being at higher risk because it could lead to my health issue getting worse. I will be vaccinated earlier than people my age as I fall into the category of having an underlying health problem. But I'm not extremely vulnerable.

@WizardOfAus great post. I am being gaslighted constantly

However, the thing of seeing my mum do it and seeing my mother in law do it- or my sister in law- it does impact us.

But have you seen your mother, mil or sil.do it whilst looking after a baby, during Covid, whilst working? Because if not, you're not making a fair comparison and just assuming that they would manage just fine. I think that you should start by writing down a list of some of your negative thoughts and then address them and see if your assumptions about others and yourself are true.

@WizardOfAus

I’m copying and pasting this excellent post from another thread. Apologies, I can’t recall the original source.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

This

@Oreservoir that's lovely 😊 it's funny you say I treat him like a prince because I know in his eyes I fall extremely short of how he thinks he should be treated or how a woman should treat a man. In his world he expects that I work and bring in a substantial amount, as well as do the food shopping ( always have everything he wants in stock ), cook every night and also at the weekend when he's home- he complains that it's just not in my 'psyche' to cook every day. I would also keep the house tidy by picking up after him, do all his laundry and keep his drawers tidy as he chucks everything around and can never find his stuff ( so ideally I would constantly tidy the drawers for him ).... I would then take care of the baby alone and he would play with her a little when he felt like it.. then I would dress up all kinky every night and give him what he wants in the bedroom .... all the while not complaining or being unhappy ever. That's how he thinks it should be hahahahaha !

You need to tell this cretin to go to fuck in no uncertain terms....permanently.He's better thank his lucky stars he isn't married to me, his misconceptions would last all of 5 seconds.

@Arthersleep no I have not seen them do that. They also never had the kind of job I have I guess. I suppose this thread has made me realise that this would be hard for anyone and I'm not alone in that and it's not my failing. Also makes me realise that I'm
Not surprised I can't loose my baby weight with so much going on. Food and my daughter are my only joys. Did I mention I might even lose my job because I'm not performing ? So looking for a new one.

Oh goodness, with the MS, you definitely need to reduce stress in your life. It seems like the main stressor is your husband... If you do get sick with the MS later on do you want someone this selfish caring for you?!

Go to your mum's until the vaccine is available and have a good think.

@soopedup not at all it was best for everybody. I have thrived, progressed at work, went back to academic study and met my DP who is very much my other half. My ex and I now have a good line of communication and he has DC 2 nights a week and he has stepped up for those days anyway. He now acknowledges how rubbish our relationship was and has not entered into another relationship as he says himself he is too selfish.

@Phineyj yeah it certainly complicates the whole thing, I think living a more peaceful life might have a better outcome long term. I just have no time to myself even if I could go to a gym etc and I really do need to keep healthy and fit.

@Buttercupcup good for you ! And your ex sounds like he's FINALLY getting it!

@jutasking i really feel for you. If this stress was caused by your workplace expecting you to spread yourself so thinly then you would be contacting HR.
It’s just untenable that your dh can allow you to live like this and not pull his weight. You need to prioritise yourself and your baby.

First thing buy separate laundry baskets and put his dirty clothes in his basket and tell him it’s his responsibility.

He would be so heartbroken if I left him.

Yes, I'm sure. But why?

It's funny - all these understanding and supportive comments. The you so much everyone. But deep down I can just hear my husband in my head saying it's not a big deal and that I have help and that I'm dramatic. I feel a pang of guilt and just shit like I am rubbish and disorganised for not managing it and that he is doing what he can do. This is gaslighting. He literally gaslights me so much that I don't even know anymore what is true. When I read your comments I agree but then I imagine telling him to help and telling him how I feel and I just feel like he's going to dismiss me and make me feel like I'm crazy.

OP, his heartbreak is not yours to manage. Preventing his heartbreak by staying is just another on the long list of things you’re doing for him, that are of no benefit to you.

It’s not normal to make your wife and newborn baby sleep on the sofa! It really isn’t.

[quote jutasking]@Oreservoir that's lovely 😊 it's funny you say I treat him like a prince because I know in his eyes I fall extremely short of how he thinks he should be treated or how a woman should treat a man. In his world he expects that I work and bring in a substantial amount, as well as do the food shopping ( always have everything he wants in stock ), cook every night and also at the weekend when he's home- he complains that it's just not in my 'psyche' to cook every day. I would also keep the house tidy by picking up after him, do all his laundry and keep his drawers tidy as he chucks everything around and can never find his stuff ( so ideally I would constantly tidy the drawers for him ).... I would then take care of the baby alone and he would play with her a little when he felt like it.. then I would dress up all kinky every night and give him what he wants in the bedroom .... all the while not complaining or being unhappy ever. That's how he thinks it should be hahahahaha ! [/quote]
Oh fuck him, the horse he rode in on and everyone who looks like him.

Sorry, I know he's your husband and this is your life and it's easy for me to be flippant about it, but fuck him, the horse he rode in on and everyone who looks like him. This makes me so angry.

@jutasking

It's funny - all these understanding and supportive comments. The you so much everyone. But deep down I can just hear my husband in my head saying it's not a big deal and that I have help and that I'm dramatic. I feel a pang of guilt and just shit like I am rubbish and disorganised for not managing it and that he is doing what he can do. This is gaslighting. He literally gaslights me so much that I don't even know anymore what is true. When I read your comments I agree but then I imagine telling him to help and telling him how I feel and I just feel like he's going to dismiss me and make me feel like I'm crazy.

FUCK HIM, THE HORSE HE RODE IN ON AND EVERYONE WHO LOOKS LIKE HIM.

@jutasking. You don't have to talk to him if he's going to dismiss you. Just pack your bags, go to your mum's, don't answer his calls (beyond letting him know where you are) and, when you're feeling stronger and less exhausted, plot your next move.

Another one saying it doesn't sound like he'd be heartbroken if you left him. It sounds like he would panic because he has no real idea of how to take care of himself in any adult way and even if he did, would feel very hard done by that he was having to lower himself to do 'women's work'.

It also sounds like his pride may well be hurt by being left by his wife and he may scramble to tell all your acquaintance all the reasons why you're crazy and it was in no way his fault.

But heartbroken? He's not making the slightest effort to hear your distress or show you he cares about you being happy (if it interferes with his cushy life).

To be completely blunt he sounds like the type that would replace you very quickly with someone willing to perform that skivvy role for him (if he could find someone who'd have him), so I wouldn't be too worried about him sitting around pining for you very long if that's the only thing holding you back!

[quote jutasking]@MessAllOver omg the sleep thing just reminded me of something that is so outrageous- I'm going to get more ' divorce him now ' comments...

So when baby girl wakes in the night, he gets angry and REFUSES to sleep in the spare room but expects us to go to the spare room ! Because the bed isn't comfortable. For months we've had this issue. How selfish is that. When she was a newborn he also refused to move from the bed and we had to sleep on the sofa as my mum was in the spare room. Thank goodness my sofa is massive and very comfortable. But I can't forget that. Thankfully she's not waking up all the time in the night anymore but it was disgusting behaviour ! He just refused to move and would get super pissed off and expect us to leave the room !!! [/quote]
And what did your mum say about this? But anyway ... I hope he doesn’t also moan at you about sex and I hope you are not giving this asshole any.

He’s a lazy entitled twat OP and he’d only be sorry you left him because he’d have to look after himself.

[quote jutasking]@Romanticrights he definitely does play with his daughter and he holds and cuddles her a lot and gives her kisses. She loves him so much. He just doesn't take that much interest in health stuff / milestones / sleep regressions / behaviour / just generally research stuff that goes a bit deeper if that makes sense ? I would love it if he came to me and said that he had read an article about brain development at our daughters age and found out XYZ about it. Or if he researched games we could play with her for her age or experiences she could benefit from. All that stuff is left to me. I'm not sure if dads usually get involved with things like this ? I would just like it if he did. [/quote]
My husband is fantastic with her but he still doesn’t do this stuff. This is not your issue. Your issue is he sees himself as being the most important individual in the house rather than you or your baby. Your baby should be most important as she is the one that cannot care for and develop herself.

Get a cleaner. If he doesn't like it, make it clear he has to do half. It sounds as though you will have to do all the thinking and get him to do it but at least it isn't doing it all yourself.
I had twins a few years ago and I just simply stopped doing certain things. It is far from perfect but I no longer do everything.