Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

Why isn't he doing any housework?

What's the point in being with this man? He is absolutely useless. Get rid, you'll be a lot happier.

No wonder you feel rubbish, I’d be at breaking point with all that too why isn’t your husband doing his fair share of the housework?

why is there so much laundry OP? there is only you DH and the baby right? cut right down on the laundry ... and tell him to do it himself.. the machine only needs loaded and turned on ..

OP you need to look after your mental health.. he needs to step up or you need to leave.. you'll likely find your stress levels will improve on leaving 🌺

He just never really has. I don't know how else to say it. He works outside of the home and his job is more physical, I've always worked in an office and a lot from home and ' I'm the woman '.... which is BS. But it's kind of how we were both raised so I guess I allowed the guilt to come in. I'm a ' career woman ' and I can't do as much cooking and house stuff as our mothers can and that's already something which is discussed at times how I'm not like ' the women back in the day '. If he puts the dishes away after dinner it's a massive thing and he thinks he's ' helped me loads '. That's what he said tonight when I was crying and he said I was being dramatic - he said he ' helped me loads ' with the baby today.. which means I got up at 6 with her dressed her etc and gave her breakfast. Let him sleep until 8:30.. I had to go out to the doctors so he gave her milk and put her down for her nap. I got back and made her lunch and played with her for 3 hours and let him chill in his room... and then the rest of the day we spent together with her and he kept trying to sneak off to smoke and watch stuff on his laptop etc. And I told him to stay with us as I just find it more fun to look after her together and it's less intense for me. When I complained because all the plates were left out after I cooked dinner etc and I got upset because I knew I needed to get her ready for bed etc, he said I'm dramatic and that I get a lot of help.

@BlueThistles he just produces so much laundry. 2 loads of just his stuff a week. I just haven't done it this week, I couldn't face it. So now it's just ridiculous. He never does the laundry. I barely produce any laundry myself. It's just his stuff.

The point is you shouldn't be getting 'help'. You should be equal partners in this.

Yes, chill out about the housework - completely stop doing any of his laundry or other things. He'll soon start to panic!

Stop doing his laundry. Just pretend it isn’t there. If he won’t be fair and do yours why should you do his? I’m not generally pro petty actions but I think you’re justified here

OP, are you saying you’re trying to look after a baby while holding down a job?
If that is the case you need to find childcare ASAP. If you are doing two concurrently you are going to fee like a shit parent and a shit employee.
You might not be able to see the wood from the trees if you’re doing both.
For you DP problem give him a list and then just do not do it. I know, easier said than done, but it worked for me (I do own lots of underwear and clothing, my breakpoint turned out to be a lot further out than my DP with much fewer clothes!)

Just sort yours and the baby's laundry

The first thing to do is stop comparing yourself to other mums. No one can juggle a baby, a full time job and keeping a spotless house all alone without enormous stress - it is simply impossible, so that's definitely not a failing on your part.

I think in the longterm you will have to leave your husband. He sounds like a waste of space with no respect for you or concern for your health, and it sounds like you don't respect him much either. That's no longer of relationship. I appreciate though that unless you have faculty or friends nearby you and baby could temporarily move in with, adding a divorce on top of your other stresses might not help in the short term.

In the meantime, there are a few things you could do. Perhaps you could go to your GP and seek counselling for your stress and low mood. There may be practical help available through those channels to. For example, you may be able to take some paid time off from your job for your mental health with a doctor's note. If possible, you could call on family and friends for support and tell them what you've said here. Finally, I know this might be easier said than done, but you could consider lowering your standards a bit with regards the housework. What matters is hygiene, not aesthetics, so focus on kitchens and bathrooms and don't worry if there's dust or the odd stain or loose toys elsewhere in the house. So only your own laundry and baby's, and leave your husband's.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you're willing to be treated like an absolute mug? I'm not one whose quick to say ltb but I really thing you need to decide if this is the life you want forever, and if not you need to leave. Rarely do people actually change so the chances of him stepping up whatever you say or do is extremely slim

Definitely chill out about the laundry - do yours and the baby's and leave his.

Stop cooking every night. Maybe just batch cook stuff for you and the baby at the weekend to reheat during the week and let him sort his own stuff.

Sort out a childminder or nursery for the baby.

Take turns with lie in's so you get one week day morning to sleep in.

Bloody man child husband, I feel your pain. Going to jump in with my own rant, if that's okay. It's that or you'll hear about my arrest for murder very soon!

I drew a line in the sand tonight and told him straight out that I'm not his mum and he's as much work if not more than the children. Always opting out or doing the "I can't do it, I'm no good, it's too hard, I've never done it before" thing. He thinks it's enough just to go to work, come home, that's him done. Tonight the kids wanted pancakes. Agreed okay but due to him pissing around with stuff that didn't matter to avoid doing things that did, I told him he was cooking. Amazingly, he suddenly wanted to be doing the things I was in the middle of. "But I don't know how, I've never cooked pancakes, can I do beans on toast instead?" Well, no. Because the only thing you EVER cook for the kids is beans on toast, which doesn't really qualify as cooking anyway. And at 44 you should be ashamed to admit that. And we have these marvellous things called cook books that tell you how to make food. Or there's the internet. Cue much grumbling and several screwed up attempts, doing that thing where they try to be so rubbish that it's easier to just take over and do it yourself. "I can't do it, I did what it said. I followed the recipe for toad in the hole." He looked up bloody toad in the hole! Why not look up pancakes if you want to make pancakes? His argument - toad in the hole has batter too. My argument - yes, but the sodding cook book has a recipe for pancakes so why not just look that up if you're making pancakes?!

Stop doing his laundry. Or anything for him tbh. Why is he getting a lie-in when you’re up at 6? What do you get out of the relationship?

Put the baby in nursery, stop doing his chores, get a lawyer and get a fucking divorce. He has no respect or love for you, and he never will.

Do you work ooh the same number of hours as your husband op?
He's clearly a bit thick, so if you want to stay with him (personally I would have left a long time ago), write the number of hours you both work very simply on a piece of paper.
Work = x hours
Housework = x hours
Childcare = x hours
I assume yours will be way higher. Ask him (again you'll need to be simple for him), why it's not 50/50.

Tell you what. It’s a lot easier to juggle work and motherhood when you’re single and there’s not someone dragging you down and doing nothing to contribute. I think you need to make your mind up if this is how you want things to be because from my experience, the man never changes.

FYI also lower your standards. The bare necessities are what you need to do, and occasionally you will get on top of things.

@Ohalrightthen

Put the baby in nursery, stop doing his chores, get a lawyer and get a fucking divorce. He has no respect or love for you, and he never will.

Pithy but 100% right!

Childminder
Cleaner

Simple solution (obviously if you can afford it)

If the above responsibilities solely fall to you then I'd arrange them without discussion. He's already shown he thinks they're you're remit so use the joint account to pay for both.

Or

Stay stressed to the hilt juggling everything - work, baby, house, mental health.

I've been there. I'd work late busy job so hardly so kids in evenings and was stressed and short tempered the facing a Saturday cleaning and a Sunday or ironing and making meals for the week. Life is too short for that s""t if you can help it.

Seriously right now I'd get a full day cleaner that will also do a couple of loads of laundry whilst you figure out what to do.

Stop any of his laundry just do your own and DDs.

Basically he seems to be getting loads more leisure time than you be off loading all DC and household tasks to you.

He looked up bloody toad in the hole! Why not look up pancakes if you want to make pancakes? His argument - toad in the hole has batter too. My argument - yes, but the sodding cook book has a recipe for pancakes so why not just look that up if you're making pancakes?!

OMG @Lancrelady80 that takes strategic incompetence to a whole new level.

Presumably he is unable to hold down a job or take public transport alone.

Op, my ex also did no housework and we're now divorced. It is unbelievable how much easier it is to do the hw without him here. I think it's because of the constant mental exhaustion bitterness of thinking he should be doing something. Without that, I happily potter around in my own time.

I had a nanny but it didn't work out. That stressed me out a lot as I had to get the house ' visitor ' ready every day. I was utterly shattered. I'm getting a new nanny in January. I used to use the tactic of just leaving everything a mess but I just can't now we have a baby. I literally go mad myself in the mess. He's just the kind of person that puts nothing away and our flat isn't massive and we've already outgrown it so it just makes it harder. He would be so heartbroken if I left him.