Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

@Buttercupcup do you regret leaving?

1. stop washing his clothes. If he passes comment that he has no clean clothes just say ‘oh’ and let him resolve the issue. Eventually he will need to put a wash on so stand firm and don’t give in.

2. cooking nights. Ask him which nights he would like to cook each week. 3 or 4 a week. Let him shop for those nights. Don’t remind him and do other stuff instead.

3. wrote a list of all the weekly and daily tasks together. Ask him to take on half

4. if you are at your wits end go stay with your mum for the weekend and leave him with the little one. Tell him you are having a break at mums because you won’t get one otherwise

OP first off you are not alone- there are thousands of us who are struggling under the weight of work and children- don't think for a second you are failure, u are managing the best u are under the terrible circumstances this year has put you in, and this is the same for thousands of us across the country. Number one tell ur partner to grow the FUCK up and help you. I lost my shit this week cos my usually helpful partner was spending his rest days on his Xbox. Number 2 get a cleaner if u can. I finally cracked at the end of November as I wasn't keeping up with the house work and the work and the childcare. Number 3 investigate the childcare options do not feel guilty for earning the cash to keep a roof over your kids head. Number 4, get some more wine and treat urself to a new item of clothing with ur partners paycheck. It won't last forever, the path will be eased with wine, clothes and giving ur partner a bollocking because u are not fucking superwoman.

@Shouldbedoing haha no he goes outside to smoke just cigarettes and he mainly does work stuff on his computer.. but I'm not surprised you got the impression..

That’s the point. They say it, you live and experience it. They forget about it
Then next time
Then you’re moaning / nagging / picking.
It’s never them

Why are you with him? I mean in all seriousness what is it about him that you love? He sounds utterly awful & as far as I can see brings nothing positive to your life at all

I'd give up the moaning and nagging. It has no effect and is just going to make you feel depressed. You need to go on the offensive and make his life so uncomfortable that helping you becomes the easier option.

Christ, he made you sleep on the sofa with a newborn? That's a massive SIDS risk.

I don't often say this, but LTB. You and your daughter are worth a lot more than this.

P.s. Wonderful advice from @CoalCraft xxx

@Biscuitsanddoombar he's my husband, so I guess there's not an easy choice to just leave. But I do think about it a lo, since the baby.

Honestly, you'd feel so much better if it was just you and your dc. You wouldn't resent him, less cooking, cleaning, ironing etc.

Oh and get a cleaner.

As for him making YOU sleep in the spare room, I remember reading this and was disgusted by it

@PuntasticUsername she was in the sleepyhead, so I thought it was ok. She slept on the corner, rather than on the sofa with me if that makes sense. So there was no way I could crush her. But probably still not ideal.

@LilyLongJohn it's bad - the sofa / spare room thing. Again it was because he needed to have good rest for work, as it's physical and I was home with the baby on mat leave. It's horrible really and I thought so too at the time and I did say so. He insisted he just cannot physically sleep anywhere but the bed, but because I am able to- I should move ! Lol so ridiculous

My (now-ex) husband complained very early on about how I folded his clothes so I figured why should I spend my precious time doing it for him and I never did it again.
If you can't get him to help out like a husband/father should, you need to stop doing anything that helps him and use that time to do things that benefit you and your child.

I would read this thread back OP. He gets angry at your baby DD for waking him during the night and makes you leave the room?! No, It is not normal for men to have such little interest or regard for their children. The thought of my partner showing no love or time for my DD is really upsetting. I have never commented on a post and encourage OP to leave there partner but what is the alternative? What do you actually get out of this relationship OP?

Oh, OK. Better than it could have been, then. Your husband still sounds awful, though!

@jutasking. It's possible that he might get his act together if he realises you're serious. For instance, if you move to your mum's and tell him you want a divorce.

How do you feel about him? If he got his shit together and started pulling his weight, do you think you could have a future together? Or has he let you down so badly that actually you've got the 'ick' now and would prefer a life without him?

My God. He refused to let you and his child have the comfy bed. What a selfish prick.
When our dc was born in the 80’s I ebf . At night after I had fed dc my dh would take him from me and walk round with him on his shoulder as dc had colic.
This is a man brought up by a sahm who did all the housework and childcare. Fact is he wanted to be a good father and also understood how tiring being up with a baby is.
My dc is a father now, he does his own laundry, childcare is done by both parents, cooking and cleaning shared.

Your problem is your dh doesn’t cherish you. You treat him like a prince, he treats you like a skivvy and you let him.

@Romanticrights he definitely does play with his daughter and he holds and cuddles her a lot and gives her kisses. She loves him so much. He just doesn't take that much interest in health stuff / milestones / sleep regressions / behaviour / just generally research stuff that goes a bit deeper if that makes sense ? I would love it if he came to me and said that he had read an article about brain development at our daughters age and found out XYZ about it. Or if he researched games we could play with her for her age or experiences she could benefit from. All that stuff is left to me. I'm not sure if dads usually get involved with things like this ? I would just like it if he did.

I get that OP but can you remember why he is your husband? Why did you fall in love with him? I mean I assume he wasn’t always this much of a dick otherwise you wouldn’t have married him

Who changes nappies/ does feeds/bathes/does bedtime?

Could you walk out at the weekend and leave baby with your husband because you needed a break?

[quote jutasking]@MessAllOver omg the sleep thing just reminded me of something that is so outrageous- I'm going to get more ' divorce him now ' comments...

So when baby girl wakes in the night, he gets angry and REFUSES to sleep in the spare room but expects us to go to the spare room ! Because the bed isn't comfortable. For months we've had this issue. How selfish is that. When she was a newborn he also refused to move from the bed and we had to sleep on the sofa as my mum was in the spare room. Thank goodness my sofa is massive and very comfortable. But I can't forget that. Thankfully she's not waking up all the time in the night anymore but it was disgusting behaviour ! He just refused to move and would get super pissed off and expect us to leave the room !!! [/quote]
He's not a keeper. Toss him back.

[quote jutasking]@Romanticrights he definitely does play with his daughter and he holds and cuddles her a lot and gives her kisses. She loves him so much. He just doesn't take that much interest in health stuff / milestones / sleep regressions / behaviour / just generally research stuff that goes a bit deeper if that makes sense ? I would love it if he came to me and said that he had read an article about brain development at our daughters age and found out XYZ about it. Or if he researched games we could play with her for her age or experiences she could benefit from. All that stuff is left to me. I'm not sure if dads usually get involved with things like this ? I would just like it if he did. [/quote]
This is what is known as Disney dadding- he does the nice easy fun stuff & none of the hard work

My sons father was exactly the same OP. It was so easy when I dumped him. I kept on top of everything and our lives were happy and mess free. Ditch this utter prick and you can have a new and happy life.

Send his washing out to a laundry service

Send all the laundry out.
Outsource all the domestic work you can.

Take the time to discuss where your relationship is going and the sort of family you want your child to grow up in and whether you both believe that your DH's behaviour will change.