Feeling overwhelmed with baby and job and man child husband

[jutasking]

I had my first baby in January this year and decided to go back early from Mat leave for financial reasons. My job is full on and high pressured. I keep getting to breaking point and just losing it and crying and screaming but my husband just doesn't seem to get it and makes me feel like I just whinge and I'm dramatic.

I just don't know how long I can keep doing this. The housework just gets on top of me as it's my sole responsibility and until a few weeks ago so was my baby girl. I told my husband I'm just breaking and he needs to help. Sometimes I just want to leave him and run away. I just can't see how I'm ever going to be happy in my life / situation. I had a nanny but it didn't work out so I'm on my own at the moment. My husband stays home some days and other days my mother in law comes. Some days I just kind of have to manage and work late when she's sleeping.

It's the housework though. It brings me to breaking point when I see the mountain of laundry I have to do and all the other bits that I just keep needing to do to keep things going. I'm also starting to feel guilty about not being able to give my baby girl 100 percent . She's been going through a strange couple of weeks of just crying more and I just feel so awful when she's upset.

I got upset tonight and my husband just said ' he doesn't need this right now ' and I'm always dramatic and I should just ' chill out ' about housework. I'm really just doing the bare minimum to keep the house from imploding and to have some kind of order as we can't live in a complete mess. I just don't know what to do. I just want to run away. I just feel stuck. I feel like other mums can just do all this, I just can't do it all. I also suffer from a chronic illness. Which doesn't yet affect me day to day, but could make me disabled in the future so it's hard to say how much this plays into what I can take on. I just feel rubbish.

100 % as others mentioned he can do his own laundry.
You might think he does the more physical job but he’s taking no mental stress at home.
I’d go back to your mums if you can, least she supports you

If don't want anyone in house at moment - robo vac and mop. Save time on that.

Draw up a table on the fridge - he does the bathrooms, you do the laundry, meals etc. Perhaps if sees in writing what needs done and whose job it is it may help though my standards of cleaning are different to my husbands

@justthecat I'm his mental stress hahah ! Me complaining is his mental stress. He says ' I can't take this ' ' I don't need this ' when I complain.

@whatever1980 I don't think he even knows what needs to be done. That's a good idea- to show him like that.

OP there are some jobs your husband can avoid indefinitely that you can't cope with not being done (e.g. cleaning kitchen surfaces). However there are other jobs he cannot avoid. If you don't do his laundry, sooner or later he will have to do it. If you don't cook him dinner, he will have to feed himself - and if he's feeding himself he can feed you too. Give him the jobs that cannot be avoided, make them his responsibility, ensure that while he is doing them you are unavoidably occupied elsewhere (e.g. "right you best start cooking dinner, I'm going to give little one her bath now") and leave him to it.

Child care or paid housework help if dh won't step up

Sorry just seen update: DEFINATE go back to your mums.
Are you working so hard you BOTH can move up the property ladder

You are not his mental stress at all

Mine was a bit of a prat in this respect after our first was born. I explained, I shouted, I huffed then I sent him you should have asked and the penny dropped. He has the occasional lapse and sometimes wants thanking but housework is almost 50/50 now without complaints.

It’s funny because if he was single he would need to cook, clean and look after his child. This doesn’t need sound like a threat, it can be a reality if doesn’t get his finger out.

@Nomorepies thank you. Yeah I've had counselling and I'm starting another course in January. It's really a cultural / family thing - where it's just the women in the family - they do all the housework, so that's how they grow up and the men just expect it. My parents didn't raise me that way and always really pushed studying and career with me. They didn't 'prep' me and teach me how to make lots of recipes or how to run a household. However, the thing of seeing my mum do it and seeing my mother in law do it- or my sister in law- it does impact us. But it's not fair to say because I also know men who do help out properly. In my husbands defence ( not that I need to defend him because he is what he is and this situation is what it is ) he does tend to do the man chores occasionally. But not often.

I could never be attracted to a man like this and wouldn’t want him setting that kind of example for my daughter.

I agree put your little one in nursery. Kick him out or move in with your Mum, get a divorce and never wash this mans clothes for him again.

He won’t change so you have no other option.

I don't understand men like this at all. He expects you to act like a stay at home mum but isn't willing to work hard enough to provide for the whole family like a 'hard working dad'

*need to

OP, “back in the day” (30 years ago), DH and I had young children. I was a SAHM for a few years and DH worked in a very physical job. He still came home and cooked our evening meal, did a lot of the shopping, the tidying and cleaning etc.

When I went back to work full-time, we split the work 50/50.

So, he is talking a load of rubbish. Men and women “back then” quite often had very equal roles in the household!

What helps me is doing a load of laundry a day. When you walk downstairs in the morning just put it on straight away. Later your husband or Mil or whoever is at home can put it in the drier and then in the evening you can fold it and put it away together or whoever is free can do it..one load a day will make it simpler for you. Also then minimise your stuff. If you have a lot of stuff it will be difficult to keep tidy. I follow the minimal mom on YouTube and she has some great advice on how to just have what you need and it saves a whole lot of energy as you don't have to manage so much stuff. You will be able to get on top of your housework with or without your husband's help (hopefully with ) but it will take time to get things established. It's taken me about 5 years to finally get my home in order and I have 3 kids and i am a sahm. I think its doable for you too but you need more of a routine. I like to follow fly ladys routines having a morning and evening routine. Even if you work you can fit in some small things around working which will keep things ticking over and leave your husband or Mil a list of a few things to do. If you want to clean the bathroom really quickly you could use those antibacterial wipes or always have a spray and cloth in the bathroom to give it a wipe over so when you are brushing your teeth it doesn't take much just to wipe the sink for example. Things take time to adjust to though and I recommend being patient and kind to yourself. Most parents go through the same thing transitioning to having a baby reliant on them all the time. It's about planning your time wisely. What jobs do you want your husband to do ? Talk to him about how you can divide up what needs to be done. But do it in a calm way. Good luck x

@Mumtoalittlegirl I'm glad for you and yes it does make me think a lot about my angel daughter. She deserves to be treated like an equal and not to made fo feel ' less than ' because she's too tired to have dinner on the table every night. Did I say already that he kept complaining about the ' struggle ' of having something to eat every night because it's not always on the table ready and sometimes he gets home and we jointly think about what to do for dinner ? It's truly outrageous. But again, my whole life I grew up like this- we would need to rush home every day to make sure dinner was on the table for my father. And god forbid it was not. And I know I'm a grown woman and I know on a logical level that's not right and I don't want to live that way- but somewhere inside I feel like he has some kind of point and because his job is more physical I need to pick up the slack. But it's utter BS.

I’m going to suggest a chat with your GP. Not because I think you are unreasonable at all in being angry with your’D’H but because your stress levels and distress sounds as if it’s really making you unwell.

Next simplify your life. You don’t mention meals but get organised with online shopping and a regular meal plan that involves some seriously easy food which doesn’t involve much clearing up. Nothing wrong with a few ready meals and that includes decent baby food.

Yes, get a cleaner and yes, ask the nanny to deal with the baby’s laundry.

As for the real problem, well, it’s time to talk. Not wait until you are breaking but really talk. Like a business meeting. He has to shape up. In an ideal world you wouldn’t have to tell him what to do but as it is he needs a list of clearly defined tasks and he has to do them without being told.

You have a get out at your mother’s house. You say he’d be heartbroken. You can go. Let him be heartbroken. The bit that is really upsetting is that he ridiculed you. That’s not ok.

I wish you well, it’s bloody hard and not everyone has a supportive partner. But it really can improve. If he wants it to.

It sounds like not only are you carrying all the load, he’s actively adding to it: he generates more laundry than normal, he’s “not the sort of person to put things away” (not an actual medical or genetic condition, btw, he’s capable).

It’s interesting that in all your posts it’s “my baby”, “I had a nanny”, “I had to tidy before the nanny”. He sees all this stuff as yours but so do you.

If you get a cleaner and childcare, who’s paying? Make sure you split equitably/proportionally according to income, because this financial burden isn’t just yours, none of it is.

I would really go to my mum’s in your position, and not come back until he’d pulled his head out of his arse, permanently. Not just promises and “once we’re at the new house” or “I’ll get better”. He has to actually BE better before you come back. But I would also arrange childcare, you can’t go on like this.

OP you're marriage will break down and you'll break your DHs heart if you don't resolve this. You need to sit with him and allocate out chores based on time spent.
If you cook for example and put away after, then he needs to largely do all the remaining housework.
Me and my DP have been at breaking point as we moved when DD was 3.5 months old and I was left to do everything. We're now in counselling because of it and last week I was set to leave him.
When you're pushed to the limit the only place left is for an explosion so he needs to help before it gets there and it's too late

@HornbeamLane maybe we really do need to go to counselling. I just feel like he guilt trips me and I take it somehow. I hope your situation improves and I'm sorry things have been so hard for you too. With the pandemic and having a baby too and moving, it's all really hard.

By the way, I've seen several posts say that I should not clean up after him. This is what I used to do pre baby lol. And it was always a mess in our house, but I just didn't react to it the same way. Now it drives me absolutely insane. I need just a bit of order.

Stop doing his bloody laundry for a start.

Follow the advice some PP have suggested.
Go to your gp and get a sick note to help with your health issues.

If you have family nearby like your parents etc, ask them if you can come over for a few weeks and leave him alone with this own mess. Just go, don’t even argue or engage with him about why your leaving. He bloody well knows.
Pandering to this man is only going to bring your down.
You have just had a baby and you should be enjoying your time bonding.
Trust me when I tell you you will regret it if you do nothing about it now and look back to see how you have spent such an import stage of you child being sad, angry and overworked.
You and your child matter. He is clearly not making you a priority so why should you make him yours?
God forbid something happens to you and you need him to support you. Do you think he will be a supportive husband and caring dad to your child?
You owe your baby that much to change things now.

Oh, when you come back Home, make it a priority to get some help around the house which of course, he will have to pay for as he is the one who makes most of the mess.
You have shown yourself to be an excellent juggler, with work, baby, housework. no wonder he takes the piss.
I would be in a relations like this but this is for you to decide.

Prioritise yourself and your baby.

Take care