Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

[Nicholashaslosthisknickers]

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

Just to add, my dm has never met exH's partner. But she's aware his partner is in contact with my kids so wants to show that she's being kind etc. She would consider it the height of rudeness to exclude his partner!

Count yourself lucky. My DH's former MIL sent a wedding card to our house addressed to 'DH and the new wife' wishing us bad luck, misery and an eternity of unhappiness...

I think you are being unreasonable. I had a really close friend. She died over 12 years ago. I knew her husband as I had met him, been to their wedding etc. Since my friend died, I have always exchanged Christmas cards with the husband. Since then, I have got married and had a family, and he has re-married. However, our Christmas cards are just from me to him and vice versa. He has never met my husband, I have never met his new wife. So we keep it between us as an acknowledgment to the past and my former friend.

I really hate how some people can’t accept that their partners had a life before them, and that they don’t have to be involved in every aspect of their partner’s previous life.

In a very basic etiquette level it's incredibly rude. You don't send a card to someone and skip their spouse. If you didn't know the name you should put to X and wife and family.

Of course it isn't. I'd find it incredibly odd to receive a card addressed to dh's name "and wife"
You must read a strange etiquette book.

Honestly, would people stop pretending their own private notion of etiquette is universal? It isn't. stop being so arrogant

Well said onlythepianoplayer

He is just someone her list because he is the father of her grandchildren. The fact that it gets ripped up and binned and he never reciprocates makes me think that you are the aggressive ones.

This ^

YANBU. She’s just being a cow. File it straight in the recycling bin

Very rude indeed. If I don't know the name(s) (which isn't the case here) I add a generic "and family...."

She's being purposely exclusionary. I'd file it in the recycling where it belongs.

@Hellotheresweet
What an odd thing to do? Posting my comment on another thread?? You sound lovely!!

@HaggieMaggie

If my daughter were divorced I cannot imagine even sending a card to her ex unless it was very amicable. Deffo not his current wife, why would I?

My ex mil sends me stunning flowers for my birthday and a beautiful Christmas arrangement.

[quote Nicholashaslosthisknickers]@Hellotheresweet
What an odd thing to do? Posting my comment on another thread?? You sound lovely!![/quote]
Ha... anyone read your post on the other one (I remembered it as I thought... nasty!) will think the same about you!

@itsgoodtobehome in that situation it’s not a PA thing to do, but my situation is quite different. I have met her, she knows who I am, I look after her DGC on occasion.

I had a card from MIL this year and every year addressed to DH and family!
We have been married 26 years (first marriage)
Our DC pointed it frustrates them to not be named by their grandparents..l do think it shows more about IL’s than me I am not even sure they realise we think it is a bit rude - we get on fine 😂

She sends your dh a card because he is the father of her grandchildren ie there is a relationship with him. She doesnt know you so your name isnt in it.

It's not what I would do but I can follow the logic. Why doesnt your dh send her a card, how rude is that? He could send one from both of you if it bothers him.

Oh sorry, ignore my previous. I see she does know you so must have misread.

@hellotheresweet
It was a valid comment on a very bitchy thread, being unkind in general about second wives and families.
I just pointed that out.
If I was bothered enough I’m sure I’d find plenty of nasty comments you’ve posted.
Why are you banging on about another totally unrelated thread?

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers
The card has gone in the bin. He looked at it and ripped it up.
He knows it would probably bother me at least a little as I have pretty bad MH issues.

Ah, his reaction tells me exMIL is having a dig at your DH OP, not you.

@MaryLeeOnHigh

I'd be tempted to look out for her writing on the card and send it back unopened.

It's not her card to send back.

Honestly, would people stop pretending their own private notion of etiquette is universal? It isn't. stop being so arrogant

He is just someone her list because he is the father of her grandchildren. The fact that it gets ripped up and binned and he never reciprocates makes me think that you are the aggressive ones.

This and This.

If course it's passive aggressive. I don't know the names of some of my Christmas card recipients kids or partners but address them to "Kathy and family" for example.

[quote Nicholashaslosthisknickers]@hellotheresweet
It was a valid comment on a very bitchy thread, being unkind in general about second wives and families.
I just pointed that out.
If I was bothered enough I’m sure I’d find plenty of nasty comments you’ve posted.
Why are you banging on about another totally unrelated thread?[/quote]
I have just read your lines out having mental health issues, so I’ll bow out.

@ilovesooty you’re right sooty it’s not my card to send back. I didn’t, but DH binned it because he knew it upset me.

@PixelatedLunchbox

Of course it is. It's bitchy, it's rude, and it's petty. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise

I'm curious to know why you or anyone else thinks they have the authority to suggest that OP only listens to your opinion. It looks from the thread that there are many other possibilities. How do you know with such certainty that none of them are valid?

[quote Nicholashaslosthisknickers]@ilovesooty you’re right sooty it’s not my card to send back. I didn’t, but DH binned it because he knew it upset me.[/quote]
How many other odd things does your DH have to do or not do in order to stop you from being upset? Your response to this is disproportionate.

@onlythepianoplayer

Of course it’s rude. She’s purposefully omitting you as some twisted us and them stance

Or, in the world of the non paranoid/perpetually frothing people, she's merely sending a card to someone she knows and doesn't include people she doesn't know.
Like a normal person.

Exactly. If that makes me so laid back I'm almost horizontal and worthy of being ignored so be it.

I havent rtt - over 200 posts is too many, but I have read your (few) posts. (Thank you @mumsnet for that amazing new functionality this year).

You dont mention whether she sends to her GDC (your DH's DC) at your home - if she does perhaps she feels awkward not acknowledging their father. And with all due respect you are an outsider in that family link.

After my divorce, my ex-Ils cut me off straightaway. So I dont hear from them at all and all communication between them and my DC is when they are with their father. The 1st Xmas was awkward - I sent cards; my family sent cards; but only my family received cards not me. It was deliberate and my family took offence. So after that no communication at all between the extended families.

So I would politely suggest that perhaps your DH ex-MIL is just trying to maintain good relations for the sake of the DGC. The rude one here is your DH. He sounds very much like my ex - unable to accept that blended families have to work very hard to make it work and being rigid only ever impacts the DC/DGC. You say he doesnt see her - yet you have done through DGC hand-over? So he doesnt even do that. I dont know the circumstances, but he sounds really rude. A card is nothing - little effort, no emotion. Believe me his DC know.

I thin it's odd but then I have been with my DH for over 20+ year and one of his relatives send him a Christmas card with To xxx and WIFE and I find it really rude.