Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

[Nicholashaslosthisknickers]

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

I think this thread just shows how many people have appalling manners.

The OP doesn't yet of here entirely either.

Yes of course it's incredibly rude for her to send a card solely to your DH.. as quite rightly has been pointed out - you are her grandmothers stepmother and partner to their father.

At the same time - YOUR DH should be sending a card from Him and you and kids to her AND her husband (if she has one) . As they are your DSCs grandparents.

Lead by example and show them how to behave kindly.

I say hello to my exDIL's new husband when he's picking up GC, he's occasionally done some things as favours (cleared my guttering when it was overflowing), we don't do cards but I'd include him as I know him. If I didn't know him I wouldn't as it would feel odd and I'd feel odd getting a card off someone I didn't know.

I don't think it is passive aggressive but then I don't know her so hard to judge her motivation. It certainly isn't something I'd get worked up about, my exMIL never sent me a card and she'd known me since I was a child of 12 or 13 and I was the mother of 2 of her GC. I've never thought anything of it.

Wouldn’t bother me

@onlythepianoplayer

I get you op.You want acknowledgement

From her husbands ex mother in law? You realise that is totally fucked up, right?

I truly do not know what planet some of you live on, but it sounds like a vicious and nasty place where you imagine everyone is out to get you.

The EXMIL is not being passag, or rude, or mean, or thinking about OP AT ALL. She does not care about OP. OP is not the centre of the universe, and neither are all of you agreeing with her. You're just not that important that people are plotting how to deliberately upset you with christmas cards.

Well, if shes going to send one to her sons XW i dont know why she wouldn't. Shes met the man. She knows his name.

If I'm going to send a card at all, I'm putting everyones names on it.

Cant see the issue with this. You can always send her a card from all of you

@Trickyboy

I think this thread just shows how many people have appalling manners.

The OP doesn't yet of here entirely either.

Yes of course it's incredibly rude for her to send a card solely to your DH.. as quite rightly has been pointed out - you are her grandmothers stepmother and partner to their father.

At the same time - YOUR DH should be sending a card from Him and you and kids to her AND her husband (if she has one) . As they are your DSCs grandparents.

Lead by example and show them how to behave kindly.

Not everyone sends cards I donate to charity I'm not rude!

Yes of course it's incredibly rude for her to send a card solely to your DH.. as quite rightly has been pointed out - you are her grandmothers stepmother and partner to their father. I think you meant you are her grandchildrens stepmother, her grandparents probably don't need a stepmother.

Do you have a chatty relationship with her?

Is she horrible to you usually?

It could just be what a lot of us do which is send Christmas cards to the person we know not the entire family (didn’t realise this was a faux pas).

You could ask her if you’re on friendly speaking terms with her.

Ignore the card or return it to her unopened.

Is it such a big deal?

I’d actually send a card back this year, with ALL your names on it

I think it is odd to worry about someone not sending you a card for the last 7 years when you've never sent them a card.

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

So it’s not passive aggressive at all?

Of course it is. It's bitchy, it's rude, and it's petty. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But don't lose any sleep over it. Take the high road. ANd if it makes you feel better, chuck it in the bin.

Would bother me. I'd send her one back from the both of you, but your name first and it clear you've wrote it.... just to stir the pot

Rude. I think it is rude too when work colleagues have sent cards just addressed to my dh when they know he is married.

It would be weird if it was your MIL, but it’s not! It’s your DH’s ex-MIL, she’s being polite in sending to her ex-son-in-law, and given you don’t send her one, I don’t think it’s rude at all. It wouldn’t hurt to add your name, but she’s being polite in sending him one at all.

I think it's really nice she sends him a card and I don't see why she should put your name on it.

The OP posted this ** Nicholashaslosthisknickers

What a dreadful thread! Bitter ex wives with no ability to move in. No I’m not an OW.

On that thread about a poster thinning grass is not always greener for a cheating ex.
And then you post this OP.

You sound bitter angry and pissed off.

@dontlikebeards

I really couldn't get worked up about this.

This would mildly irritate me, just because it's bad manners, but not to the extent it obviously upsets you.

I would ask your DH to send the card back to her, unopened - strike a line through your address and write hers on, and stick it back in the post box.

If my daughter were divorced I cannot imagine even sending a card to her ex unless it was very amicable. Deffo not his current wife, why would I?

@Susanwouldntlikeit

Why don’t you send her a card from you both? When she receives it she will pop up here asking for advice on the dilemma

I don't think this is weird at all. Husband and I receive a mixture of cards - some to us both, some just to him and some just to me, depending on the relationship to the sender.

If you don't know her well enough to send her a card I don't see why you'd expect a card from her. She sends a card to your DH because she knows him. I've sent cards to colleagues and addressed it to them only when I didn't know their OH.

It could be construed as passive aggressive or rude, but equally I just think that you can't really expect a card from someone you wouldn't send one to yourself.

If you really want to know the truth you could try and make friends with her this coming year and see if you get named on next year's card! Personally I wouldn't bother though and I'd just forget about it.

My mum still sends Xmas cards (and a token gift) to my ExH, because he is my children's father. She addresses them to exH and his gf, and would never exclude his partner. My exH also never had any contact with her, nor does he ever say Thankyou.

She does it anyway. I think she's nuts. But she absolutely acknowledges that he has a new partner.

You don't need to respond to such lack of recognition. Your DHs response is the best one.

I never cease to be amazed at the things people get worked up about . And then the drip feed .... 'I've got MH issues' ....

In the scheme of things it doesn't matter in the slightest, I've had cards addressed to me and my ex DH - have been married to my current DH over 30 years, he just laughed it off.

And I don't expect my DH's colleagues to include me on Christmas cards, why should they? .