Ex wife’s mother and her fucking card

[Nicholashaslosthisknickers]

Afternoon wise Mumsnetters,

This isn’t a huge issue but one I thought I’d seek your opinions on in a light hearted way.

If you’re married, living together and generally happy, do most people send Christmas cards to both of you?

Now I do appreciate it’s nice to receive a card in these days of round robin emails extolling the virtues of giving to charity instead of sending cards, just as I appreciate it’s entirely up to the sender who they address their card to.

In a show of enormous passive aggression my husband’s former MIL sends him a card to our home addressed just to him. Every.Single.Year. She knows my name, I am step mum to her grand children.

He never sends her one. Never speaks to her. Never sees her. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. I wasn’t the reason her daughter and he split.

I am expecting a torrent of first wives to come down on me like a tonne of bricks with all the usual she’s fully entitled to send a card to who she wants, he was her SIL, etc. But why not just include my name?

AIBU? Really be kind, this isn’t a big deal, it won’t change the course of anything. I’m just interested if I’m being an over sensitive dick head over this because it’s really bloody annoying.

It's just a card OK it dose not have your name on it . But be honest here will you have a smile and a chuckle . When you throw it in the RECYCLE BIN come the 1st Jan 2021

@fourquenelles

My Father's mother used to search out cards that read "To my son and his wife" every year of their married life for 40 odd years. That is passive aggressive!

And am I the only one who doesn't get why this is at all passive aggressive?

No i don’t know why that’s passive aggressive either.

@Nicholashaslosthisknickers

The card has gone in the bin. He looked at it and ripped it up. He knows it would probably bother me at least a little as I have pretty bad MH issues.

He ripped it up and binned it because he knows it would upset you so much. So why are you saying it isn't a big deal to you?

I am sorry to hear you have bad MH issues but I do agree with PP that this is a big drip feed in the context of understanding your reaction to something that would barely register to most of us

Why are you so bothered? She has a family connection with your husband not you.

I would find it weird too.

@D4rwin

Why doesn't your husband send her a card?

Do most men even send cards? None I know do and not many women do these days.

She doesn’t know you? I have a group of friends who I see regular, and whilst I know their husband’s name, I address my Xmas card solely to them, just from me. Don’t put their husbands name on the card and neither do I put my husband’s name on. You’re being overly dramatic and invested in this.

It is generally the done thing that if someone is married, you send Christmas greetings to both them and their spouse, even if you've never met said spouse

Says who? Load of bollocks. My friends send cards to me, why would they address them to Mr Piano Player, unless they are his friends as well?

This ^

I send cards to people I am friends with - I don't include their partners unless I am friends with their partners. Equally I receive them to me as an individual, as does dh without any upset.

In your circumstance, OP, I think, to me, it depends if she is sending a 'family card'... ie addressed to your dh and the dc.... or if it is just to him individually. If it is to the family and you are excluded, then I think she is being odd. If it is to him (and her DGC either have their own cards or are included on the card she sends to their Mum), then I don't see anything odd about it - she has a relationship with your dh, but doesn't have one with you.

I wouldn’t sweat it. My actual MIL probably won’t write me a card. I’ve let such pettiness go and feel better for it.

I get you op.

You want acknowledgement.

I'd be annoyed.

But Id also send her one from all of you. With her name. Passive aggressive like, just to annoy her.

@liveitwell

I get what you're saying. But she doesn't know you at all. Presumably she liked her son-in-law and that's why she sends him a card.

Yes, usually you'd post to a couple but in this situation I think it would be more weird for her to include you, a random stranger who has replaced her daughter's role, than to just send to her former SIL.

So YABU.

That. I'm astonished that so many people think it's rude or a deliberate snub. She's sent a card to the person she knows.

I know threads are more fun for MNers if they can spin any situation into a MIL being passive aggressive, but I don't see any justification for it here. I can't for a minute understand why you care, OP. This woman isn't remotely part of your life.

Do most men even send cards? None I know do and not many women do these days

Then they shouldn't be ranting about the people who do send them cards, if they don't have the manners to send one back.

Rude.
Just rude
Either don't send a card or send to both

Why don’t you send her a card from you both? When she receives it she will pop up here asking for advice on the dilemma

She’s being petty. I’ve relocated after marriage and my neighbours here have asked my husband what my name is just so they can put it on the card. Even neighbours I haven’t yet been able to meet.

Also, DH liked his exes parents and I liked my exes parents. None of us send each Christmas cards. If we saw them we wish them Merry Christmas. I'm not that bothered about cards though.

My ex mil sends me a card every year and has never included my DP, now DH, on it. It has never crossed my or his mind that this is odd. Also as we recently married my new mil has just sent a card To a special son and daughter-in-law which also pretty very normal. I think you may be reading to much into it.

I get you op.You want acknowledgement

From her husbands ex mother in law? You realise that is totally fucked up, right?

I truly do not know what planet some of you live on, but it sounds like a vicious and nasty place where you imagine everyone is out to get you.

The EXMIL is not being passag, or rude, or mean, or thinking about OP AT ALL. She does not care about OP. OP is not the centre of the universe, and neither are all of you agreeing with her. You're just not that important that people are plotting how to deliberately upset you with christmas cards.

On a very basic etiquette level it's incredibly rude. You don't send a card to someone and skip their spouse. If you didn't know the name you should put to X and wife and family.

She's very rude and probably obnoxious.

You don't know her and don't send her a card. She doesn't know you.
I would say you're overreacting!

It wouldn't bother me at all. She had a long-standing relationship with him, not me.

On a very basic etiquette level it's incredibly rude

NO IT IS NOT.

Honestly, would people stop pretending their own private notion of etiquette is universal? It isn't. stop being so arrogant

It’s really passive aggressive. I’m amazed that people think it isn’t. If she knows you live together then she should send to both or not at all. Send it back.

If you drop the DC off to her then why don’t you just ask?