To be hurt that DD secretly recorded me and DH isn't at all bothered?

[CurtainWitcher]

I have a cold at the moment, which might be e clouding my judgement, so quite prepared to be told IAMBU. I hope I am!

DD, just turned thirteen, has been invited to join the county youth choir on Zoom for an informal Christmas singalong for an hour this afternoon. She loves singing, has lessons and is in the school choir, so this isn't out of her comfort zone.

She is very lazy in terms of any sociable activity (even when it's remote and online), so always needs a push. 99% of the time she leaves activities buzzing, asking when she can go again. Her older siblings have now flown the next, so it's good for her to interact with kids at the weekend.

I reminded her about the singalong today and she cried that she wasn't going to do it. Sulking, whining, welling-up. Totally OTT. I said that she'd committed to it, so she would do it. She stormed to her room.

I cooked tea etc. She then comes downstairs and begs me to cancel her attendance. I refuse, saying it's only an hour, she can do it from the comfort of the sofa, she enjoys thoroughly singing etc. I also readily compromised by saying that if she decided she hated it, a few minutes in, she could leave. I didn't like to say that, but this cold has blessed me with a thumping headache, and I just wanted to calm the situation.

I then realise, as her phone was open with screen alit, that she'd been recording me and Whatsapping it to her dad, who wasnt at home as he works overnight on Fridays. He was sympathising with her, but saying that she could calm down and try to help me out while I'm poorly.

So, AIBU to be appalled that DD secretly recorded me? AI also BU to think that DH should have told her off for such underhanded tactics?

This was yesterday evening and I'm still feeling hurt.

Thank you!

She doesn't want to do something and you are forcing her to do it. She said she doesn't want to do it and you are forcing her anyway. What choice does she have other than manipulation? She's backed into a corner. This isn't school or work, it's not something essential or important, and she won't be making friends over zoom. You're being ridiculous.

@CurtainWitcher

DD committed to the event. I'm insisting that she recognises her responsibilities and enjoys herself!

Have you never agreed to do something and then called off on the day because you don’t fancy it? Blimey maybe it is just me.

I can’t get over that you “play” with a 13 year old, do you mean like dolls, hide and seek, that kind of thing.

@CurtainWitcher

Just out of interest, would this 'if she says no, don't push it' idea be extended to healthy food choices?

I often see posts from people asking how they should encourage their children to eat healthily. Does the same advice apply?

I don't have this issue, but I'm trying to gain context on the advice here.

You're not "encouraging" her though. You're trying to force her to the point where she is crying about it, making the whole thing an extremely negative experience for her. That's not encouraging.

@flaviaritt

Bye bye phone. How dare she.

Agree

@CurtainWitcher

Of course I don't want to be her playmate - I'm her mum! You think it's preferable that a teenager plays with her mum in favour of kids her own age?

There's plenty of time to play games etc as a family, without that being her sole social experience.

I do think it would be pretty crappy parenting to nurture that sort of behaviour.

I think it's really, really important to recognise that our children might want different things from their lives than we want for them. For eg, my DS is a classically introverted autist and he isn't interested in friendships. That is the opposite of me, I would hate to have a life without friends but he is not me. My heaven (a room full of laughing, noisy, chatty women) is his hell. Understanding this is key to parenting him and also makes sure I expend my time and energy helping him develop the things that he wants to develop.

The food thing... I am exactly the same. I provide a range of healthy food (activities) and DS can choose to eat it or not (can cancel the zoom if he feels like it). What I don't do is run around providing a full buffet (playing with him) because I'm not running a restaurant. He is free to spend his own money and time buying/preparing other food (pleasing himself, not facilitated by me).

I'm not taking the 'abusive mum, don't like her child' comments at all seriously.

If you'd like to respond to something I've said, then quote it or tag me. I've also not in any way or context said you are abusive. Has she gotten an anxiety diagnosis?

There seems a lot of pressure on the teenager in this situation - pressure to behave the right way socially, pressure to be doing 'normal' things like her friends, pressure to enjoy herself in the right sort of way, pressure to not be inappropriately dependent on her mum.

It can be low level but it can build a lot of anxiety in a young person who is probably aware that she is disappointing her mother. As someone who lived that, it is really not a nice experience.

Recording is not ideal, but I have to say, for myself - if I'm happy with everything I've said, and the way I have approached things I really wouldn't care if I've been recorded because I'm confident that my handling of situations is appropriate.

Mind you, this is a weird sort of approach I take to difficult situations - I imagine that I AM being recorded to keep myself straight - that I am happy with my interactions and responses.

I'd be more concerned that you are forcing her to do what she obviously doesn't want to do. What are you actually gaining from that? I think it's very cruel and heartless to do. Especially something that is voluntary. You sound a bit too controlling of an older child if you ask me.
In regards to her recording you she probably did it as a defence to try and get out of doing the above, like a last ditch attempt.
I'm on your daughters side I'm afraid.

@CaptainCabinets Ok? That doesn't exactly change the substance of the issue, does it? Filming/recording people without their consent is not acceptable. Especially recording your mum simply because she's told you to at least try the school activity you've commiteed to for a few minutes before flaking.

(just derailing for a sec to say @LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett you sound like a great mum! I'm a bit like your son I think, and it's lovely to know you've accepted him for who he is and the lifestyle he'd like. That's all, just wanted to spread some positivity!)

@berrygirlie

I'm not taking the 'abusive mum, don't like her child' comments at all seriously.

If you'd like to respond to something I've said, then quote it or tag me. I've also not in any way or context said you are abusive. Has she gotten an anxiety diagnosis?

I think we may be flogging a dead horse at this point. Typical AIBU...

“AIBU?”
“Yes”
“NO I’M NOT

I'm not taking the 'abusive mum, don't like her child' comments at all seriously.

You and many other parents that feel the same way about one of their children I imagine.

[quote IJustWantSomeBees]@Leaannb are you serious? A parent teaching their child that if they have comitted to an activity then they have to learn to be responsible and see it through is not the same thing as an abusive partner forcing their OH to do something against their will! Parents have authority over their children, that isn't a sinister thing it's a practical neccessity for raising them.

OP please ignore these comments. I was very similar to your dd when I was her age and was always begging my mum to let me sign up for extracuricculars and then backing out. She always (very nicely) reminded me that I had made a commitment, that people were counting on me and that if I still wanted to quit after the term she had paid for ended then I was free to do so. It taught me how to take responsibility for my own actions and really helped me with discipline when it came to revising. And I had clinical anxiety as a child, for what it's worth, this was still an important lesson for me.[/quote]
Yes I am dead serious. This child is suffering from pretty extreme anxiety. Its very interesting that adults are encouraged to get signed off for stress and anxiety or find a different job because of mental health difficulties but when it comes to a child they need to learn about commitment

[quote IJustWantSomeBees]@CaptainCabinets Ok? That doesn't exactly change the substance of the issue, does it? Filming/recording people without their consent is not acceptable. Especially recording your mum simply because she's told you to at least try the school activity you've commiteed to for a few minutes before flaking.[/quote]
There’s encouraging a child to stick to their commitments and then there’s bullying them so much that they cry and panic. I’m firmly on the child’s side here.

U think we may be flogging a dead horse at this point. Typical AIBU...

“AIBU?”
"Yes”
*"NO I’M NOT"

No, not at all. There are many posters on this thread who do not feel the OP is being unreasonable.

Yes, I'm hearing that too @CaptainCabinets.
Anxiety isn't something that can be "pushed through" usually. Even with implosion techniques, it still needs to be a safe and comfortable environment (without any pressure of "I can't behave like this because it's not right for a teenage girl, I can't behave like this because my mum will be disappointed" etc). I've stated that it's OK to struggle to like or empathise with your children sometimes, especially when they have mental health issues or other conditions that you simply can't relate to, but it seems that's struck a nerve.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

U think we may be flogging a dead horse at this point. Typical AIBU...

“AIBU?”
"Yes”
*"NO I’M NOT"

No, not at all. There are many posters on this thread who do not feel the OP is being unreasonable.

OP clearly does not want to know if she is being unreasonable or not, she just wants comments that agree with her POV. She’s said it herself...

Don't worry, berrygirlie, it hasn't struck a nerve. It isn't applicable to this situation at all.

I suspect that's rather deflating to you though.

Record her next time she has a teenage tantrum and WhatsApp it to her friends?! 😂 Sorry, not very helpful - I've just come out the other side of the teenage years, fairly unscathed, and can laugh about it now but they all know EXACTLY which buttons to push and push and push!

What she did was annoying (it was meant to be) and could also provide her with evidence of what you agreed! Sounds like dad handled it quite well, telling her to help you out.

Hope you feel better soon 😊

I suspect that's rather deflating to you though.

What do you like about her, OP? What are her positive traits? I'm genuinely interested

I have a Dd like this and I struggle with how much to push and how much to leave alone. She has been very shy and avoidant of new stuff since she was a tiny kid and also when she did go she would love it.

Sometimes I had to 'force' her because DH and I work FT and we had to have childcare. I would try to mitigate a bit by giving her a choice of activity and inviting friends to go too but sometimes she had to go to a summer camp because we had to work. Often she would cry and I'd feel like the worst person ever and yet afterwards she always said how great it was and talks about those experiences positively years later.

Now that she's 13 and can be left at home she'd sit there on her phone the entire time given a choice. She is really good at dance and sport but she will not join any clubs. I don't think it's good parenting never to encourage any activities but equally I can't force a sobbing teen against her will. It's a huge dilemma that I don't have the answer to.

I work in mental health and I hate normal life experiences being labelled a disorder. Everyone is anxious before doing something new. Some more than others but most do not have a clinical disorder requiring medication or therapy. In fact avoidance perpetuates anxiety and graded exposure is the treatment of choice for phobic anxiety so allowing complete avoidance isn't helpful.

I think in your situation I would have encouraged DC to go but if they were so distressed as this I'd say they can not go but THEY have to contact the teacher to apologise not just not turn up. That's adult life isn't it? If you back out you own it you don't get your mum to call for you or just not show.

I can't imagine DD recording me like that. She would probably text/ WhatsApp DH though to try to get another answer but he would then instantly call me and back me up. He is less of a fan of pushing anything than I am but he would agree a commitment should be honoured.

I think she will not see it as such an invasion as you do. It's bizarre to me why she would need to record you. Why not just tell him what you said? Maybe it seems more normal to a 13 yr old of the Insta/ Tik tok/ selfie generation.

I would try to call a truce, discuss calmly and come to a compromise. She can get out of it if she informs the teacher herself and you discuss boundaries and consent re: being filmed. Try to listen to why she felt so distressed by this though. My DD extra specially hates Zoom stuff. She hates seeing herself on the screen. I don't get it but I accept it's true and I don't make her do Zoom.

I have sometimes let my DC off an activity they don't want if they agree to an alternative Eg we agreed she could stop swimming if she chose something else active so she chose a yoga class with me. When that shut due to Covid we agreed she'd do online videos. I thought she actually wouldn't in reality but she has stuck to it.

From here on out it's all compromise isn't it? You can hardly pick them up and plonk them on the naughty step. They start being their own person with their own ideas some of which you might not like but at least you can teach them to act responsibly and how to manage conflict.

I’ve only read your comments OP.
Any child who covertly records anyone else is disrespectful, manipulative and rude.
She was totally out of order to do it regardless if how common it is amongst teens and young people. She needs to learn that inmediately.

Yes, it's a good idea to tell her to make the cancellation. I suspect she wouldn't and would go through with the activity. Good advice for the future, thanks.

I used to be a bit like your DD OP, make commitments to do things with friends and then pull out with stupid excuses at the last minute. I don't know why, if it was social anxiety, imposter syndrome or what, but it made me feel awful, I would regret missing out on a fun time almost immediately and it did have a bad effect on my friendships and in turn knocked my confidence even more so I think you did the right thing insisting she go ahead with tht get together and I'm sure she will enjy seeing her friends.

I would speak to her about recording your conversation it is invasive and rude, but she's young and kids never see their mums as people kids record each other ding all sorts of stupid shit so she probably didn't realise how much it would upset you. So I think you should have a conversation about boundaries

I haven't read all of the other comments but IME this is a perfectly ordinary situation with your DD, raising teens is not easy and there will be bumps in the road and a lot of butting of heads but you will get through it.

That's reassuring. Thanks DrDavidBanner.